Would you contact your real father after 47 years?

[MakeMineADoubleCake]

A brief background ...

Him and my mum divorced when I was a baby - both too young probably! He had an affair and indeed, went on to marry the woman he had the affair with. My mum took me to live back at home with my gran and grandad and before too long met my stepdad and they married when I was 2.

My real dad allowed my step dad to adopt me so he didn't have to pay child maintenance, we ended up moving 200 miles away as a family and i always thought my stepdad was my real dad until I was told the truth aged about 14. My mum and stepdad were sorry their kept this from me and I totally understand why .... this was the 70s and things were a little different then. It's not something that would happen now but back then ... like I said, different times.

Anyway , aged 14 I now knew I had another father. All I knew - and know to this date - is his name, the name of his wife, the town he lives and the fact he went on to have 2 or 2 more kids.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents are now sadly dead - I think of my stepdad as dad by the way! And it's got me thinking about possibly making contact with my real father

But should I? He is 70 now. I believe he's still alive. He's still married to the woman he had an affair with. I spoke once with my mum about him many years ago and she said he was not a bad person or anything like that, he was just a young 20 year old who couldn't deal with the responsibility of marriage and a baby.

I'd have to write to him and I 'think' I have his address but then again, there's a chance it's wrong. Don't think so though. He doesn't appear to have any social media but not unusual at his age

So... should I do it? I've been perfectly happy for 49 years with no contact so on the one hand it seems pointless. I also don't want to give him and his wife any big shocks! He's obviously aware that I exist so perhaps the eh con wouldn't be as great as if he didn't know about me

I'm veering towards leaving it alone ... my stepdad was a good dad to me and he is part of the reason I've not done anything this far - didn't want to cause any hurt. But now they are both gone so do I do it?

WWYD?

If you feel detached why bother? If you must contact him as you are curious, write a letter to wish him well and enquire as to his health but be prepared for him not to answer. Someone seggested go to his door. I'd say don't consider that as a serious option. He may hay a heart attack or something from the shock of seeing you. It's not fair to do that to an elderly person.

Make contact, wipe the slate clean and then take it as you find it. Don’t start by holding any grudges on what’s already passed.

@MakeMineADoubleCake
It wouldn't be the same for me. I'm not about drama and he certainly couldn't cause any for me! I'm more concerned about causing drama for him

That was exactly how I went into it, I wasn't looking for redemption, for apologies, I wasn't blaming anyone the past was passed, as far as I was concerned we would be starting with a clean slate.. The only thing I asked for was "don't tell me any lies" which unfortunately he did, over and over, I didn't challenge him over them, I didn't need to, I had all the paperwork proving he was lying to me.

If you're going to contact your father put yourself first, don't be worrying about causing drama for him, I put mine first, worried about his feelings not mine and I mentally paid that price.

Have you thought that it's possible that him and his wife decided not to tell their children about you? Your arrival on the scene could cause some very difficult questions.
I really feel for you, it's a very tough position to be in and you will struggle to know what the right move to make is-until after you've made it. I wish you the best of luck.

@MakeMineADoubleCake I'm so sorry, the comment above was meant for someone else!!!

TheScrapMonster

I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but couldn't read your post and not suggest, from several different kinds of experience in this area, that the reason your father stopped contacting you wasn't because you didn't 'live up to expectations' but because developing a meaningful relationship with you would necessitate him facing some uncomfortable truths and difficult feelings, which he wanted to avoid.

to you. Take care.

It is very hard when your 'new' relatives want to keep you a secret. But you have to remember it is nothing to do with you.

My brother and sister still won't tell their children who I am. But they are protecting the memory of their mother who had me at age 16 and gave me up. They don't want the children to think badly of their grandma.

What is hard for me is that I can't see them unless I carry on with the lie, which I am not willing to do. They want a relationship with me but still want me to keep my relationship to them secret.

Hi OP,

speaking from bitter experience here. I grew up thinking my brothers dad was my dad. I was told that he wasn't a little younger than you, i think 8 or 9. Didn't think much about it until my late teens. I knew he had one other child.

When I was 19 and I had started thinking about him again, I found him on a work website and it listed his mobile number so I text him. He replied, we arranged to meet. He had a similar story, that he was too young to be a dad (24), only difference being that him and my mum weren't together. It also turns out he had gone on to have another 4 children. He wasn't a great person truthfully - he cheated on his wife (the mother of the sibling I knew about) and had not been a great dad to that child. He was okay with the 3 he had with his current partner.

He told me he could not commit to seeing me often but was interested in some kind of relationship. It hasn't gone well at all, I don't hear from him, he doesn't have any regrets about the decision he made although he sometimes says he's not proud of it, we have met twice in I think 6 years. He is a very well off man and I would be lying if I said it doesn't feel a bit hurtful when he showed me pictures of his family home. It also brought up feelings of anger towards his family (his sister and mum and dad) because they essentially stood by his decision and had nothing to do with me either. Just all kinds of wrong in my opinion.

So I guess it depends what you want from him. If you go into it, because you are curious and would regret it if you never atleast tried then go for it. The only good thing that came out of my curiosity is that I have a semi okay relationship with his oldest child. Other than that, I had to make my peace with his decision and move on with my life, happy in the knowledge that I had a wonderful man bring me up and I was luckier than some. He did me a favour really - my step dad was worth 10 of him all day long.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I contacted my real father after 30 years, i sent him a kind message, no judgement.

He blanked me, then proceeded to block me on every platform available.

Turns out he's very happy with his wife and kids. Me and my brother are old news.

I've struggled with relationships because of the reject, I'm still trying to get over it.

Tread carefully op.

I think I would. Just a short note and your details. In a way less pressure as you can’t meet a minute.
My DH had no contact with his Dad who died recently. He’d not seen him since he was 2 and and dad lived abroad but the dad never made an effort to contact him. DH never wanted to contact him whereas I think I would have.
Due to covid funeral was online and we watched it plus there was a tributes page. I personally found it very hard to see - talking about a family man who had married his wife when DH’s younger sister was only 3 months old (clearly had an affair) and talking about children and grandchildren but no mention of the 3 children in England from first marriage. But DH says no regrets not contacting him.
But that man had abandoned DH whereas yours had allowed you to be adopted. He may think he has no right to contact you. The fact your mum spoke well of him and he obviously cared enough to notice former in laws deaths/to send cards is a positive. Personally I’d rather know than what ifs.

I do think the adoption makes a difference. He was young and signed away rights. He would have been told new man bringing up toddler as his with new siblings for the best, you were a baby too young to remember etc, less shameful for you mother no one would know she was divorced. It was a very different era. Step parents did adopt to make things socially tidier.

My biological father left when I was 18 months old (I’m now 42).

My mum had to take him through the courts to get £5 a week out of him (deducted from his salary)

He went on to have at least 3 other families.

I feel absolutely nothing for him. No hate. No curiosity - nothing. I never want to see him and would actively choose not to meet up if he got in touch now. He’s not bothered with me for over 40 years. I don’t think of him from one year to the next in return. But that’s me!

One thing I think is really curious though is the language you use to describe him. Real father? I think that’s quite telling.

@Wickstead I think you may be reading something into that that isn't there! I could have used 'biological' I suppose, but really, no need to psychoanalyse my use of one word. It isn't telling at all!

Tough isn't it. My father abandoned us when I was a toddler. We had very sporadic contact with his parents as a child but none at all with him although I had a vague idea where he lived and he had an brother living in the same area whose address I found in my mum's address book.

But I knew he had been a terrible, abusive husband and that he had damaged her- as well as leaving her financially destitute in the early seventies. Seriously not a nice man. And it would have hurt her for me or my sibling to contact him.

However after her death a few years back, I did arrange through his brother to meet him. It wasn't a success. He was everything my mum had told us. And his wife was shockingly rude. Sadly two out of three half siblings wouldn't meet although I have some relationship with a third and his children which is the only blessing

Sorry that this is a negative experience. You sound like you are in a different position. I'm glad I saw him. But it hurt

@Dixiechickonhols that's about the long and short of it. This was 1972 after all.

@Hobbesmanc so sorry to read your experience x

This happened with my cousin his mom never forgave him for losing contact with his daughter he decided it was best if she was allowed to move away with her mom and he hasn't spoken about it since her half sister tried to find her I dont think she ever did

OK so I think that I will send up a card. I have no one left to ask if I've got the exact right person so there is a slight margin here so I'll tread carefully with my wording. I'll just give my contact details, wish them both all the best and hope that they're both keeping well and that i understand if he chooses not to write back - and I genuinely do understand.

I'm not a robot though so the thought of writing and sending a note makes me feel a bit 'nervous' but that's normal I should think.

I've decided not to tell anyone either. One friend knows I'm going to do this but no one else. Not even my husband! (And it would be very easy to tell him. He's lovely.)

I think I just want to keep it to myself for now

I'll come back to the thread and update if and when there's an update - whatever that is!

[quote MakeMineADoubleCake]@Wickstead I think you may be reading something into that that isn't there! I could have used 'biological' I suppose, but really, no need to psychoanalyse my use of one word. It isn't telling at all![/quote]
Gosh, that’s quite a strong response to a fairly innocuous remark.

What I meant was, you obviously feel a particular link to this man - and as a result it sounds like until you get in touch with him you be missing a level of closure so for you; so it sounds like something you need to do for you.

I hope it goes well for you.

makemine I’m almost your age and been with DH nearly 30 years so we have spoken a lot about it. At heart of DH not wanting to contact was fact his Dad knew where he was and DH would have been easy to find yet the man chose not too for whatever reason. DH’s view was a man who abandoned children is not a man worth knowing. Whereas your Birth dad could have thought he did the decent thing allowing adoption and then staying away as no rights/to let you grow up as part of a proper family. Adoption very different to abandoning you.

Good luck OP.

@Wickstead yes sorry! That was a bit rude of me actually

Well I've written a card and I'll pop it in the post today and err well, let's not hope I've got the wrong address as that'll cause quite a puzzle for the non intended recipient

@Dixiechickonhols yes that's correct. And of course by signing away his rights, he also didn't have to pay child maintenance! So I don't think he was completely altruistic here

However, from the little my mum said, she stated he wasn't a bad person, he was immature and she was pretty sure he would have had some regrets as he grew older and matured, based on what she knew of him whilst they were married

And I'm sure that's the case.

I fully imagine he won't get in touch. But I'm beginning to think that it's now or never and at least I extended an invitation to chat and won't have to periodically wonder about it

My Mum was in a very very similar position - her biological Dad cleared off leaving my Gran holding the baby. He ended up marrying the woman he had left her for and was very happy and had other children. I am not sure of all the details but he never paid a penny, my Gran married my Grandad and he treated my Mum as his own and was a lovely man. Anyway, fast forward to me aged 8ish, this man turned up and Mum told me it was my Grandad - I knew nothing at all about any of this. I later heard my Gran saying 'I don't want him having anything to do with my grandkids' so, out of respect and love for her, I refused to see him and never ever have. My Grandparents are long dead and this man (we call him Mum;s biological Dad) died a year or two back. Anyway, my Mum did maintain some form of contact with him - but said she felt nothing for him, he was selfish and never bothered to ask her about herself or offer any explanation as to what had happened. He was basically a stranger.

From this experience I would say it is up to you entirely - have low expectations if you do decide to go ahead and hopefully you won't be disappointed. My Mum always says 'it is not like it is on TV'.