Would you contact your real father after 47 years?

[MakeMineADoubleCake]

A brief background ...

Him and my mum divorced when I was a baby - both too young probably! He had an affair and indeed, went on to marry the woman he had the affair with. My mum took me to live back at home with my gran and grandad and before too long met my stepdad and they married when I was 2.

My real dad allowed my step dad to adopt me so he didn't have to pay child maintenance, we ended up moving 200 miles away as a family and i always thought my stepdad was my real dad until I was told the truth aged about 14. My mum and stepdad were sorry their kept this from me and I totally understand why .... this was the 70s and things were a little different then. It's not something that would happen now but back then ... like I said, different times.

Anyway , aged 14 I now knew I had another father. All I knew - and know to this date - is his name, the name of his wife, the town he lives and the fact he went on to have 2 or 2 more kids.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents are now sadly dead - I think of my stepdad as dad by the way! And it's got me thinking about possibly making contact with my real father

But should I? He is 70 now. I believe he's still alive. He's still married to the woman he had an affair with. I spoke once with my mum about him many years ago and she said he was not a bad person or anything like that, he was just a young 20 year old who couldn't deal with the responsibility of marriage and a baby.

I'd have to write to him and I 'think' I have his address but then again, there's a chance it's wrong. Don't think so though. He doesn't appear to have any social media but not unusual at his age

So... should I do it? I've been perfectly happy for 49 years with no contact so on the one hand it seems pointless. I also don't want to give him and his wife any big shocks! He's obviously aware that I exist so perhaps the eh con wouldn't be as great as if he didn't know about me

I'm veering towards leaving it alone ... my stepdad was a good dad to me and he is part of the reason I've not done anything this far - didn't want to cause any hurt. But now they are both gone so do I do it?

WWYD?

I have recent experience of this but would prefer not to go into tonnnes of details on here. Happy to PM if you wish. Its been a bumpy ride over the last 4 years but we have regular contact now.

@anotherlongwalk yes and that's my main concern which I've said a few times. I don't want to upset him, his wife or his family. I'm hoping my very sparse five lines in the card will imply this is the case

Good luck op I hope he gets back to u and that it goes well moving forward

Yes I would. You only have one life. But I don't know you and how you think about things.

This gave me hope. My partner has no contact with his kids (his ex wife is very difficult) and cries about it regularly. I keep telling him that they will grow up & will want to find him.

That said I’ve seen several cases where it fizzled out after an initial good period. There is no way to know. If you go in with no expectations the very least it will give you is closure. Good luck 💐

[quote PoppyLovesCakes]@VinylDetective doesn't matter! I'd just name changed as I do every weekend as a rule

Thankfully nothing juicy attached to this new name [/quote]
I name change as often as I can remember as well!

I can't stop sharing! I"m too open.

@Imworthit must be hard for him. Can he apply through the courts for access? This would show he had at least tried. I know this stuff can be extremely difficult though and never clear cut

@DanceLikeAdamAnt I just like to remain anonymous and it's quite easy for someone to obtain lots about you if you've been commenting on here for years 😀

We’re trying, COVID means nothing is progressing tho unfortunately. He’s allowed to send letters/presents but she’s already admitted she bins them. We just have to keep on trying but it’s so demoralising. His dad had a stroke & tried to contact them and she lost it because their grandad was ‘upsetting them’ by calling. Just not a nice woman. We’re not gonna stop but yeah it sux.

I'm in the same position. My mum has told me virtually nothing about him and had always said I don't need to know. I always told myself I haven't got the right to know and I shouldn't want to know but yes I have had massive curiosity. I still don't know what I want to do. I was told he never knew about me but then a drunken remark confirmed he did know but my mum wanted zero contact. It was then that I found out his name not from my mum but a family member who had a bit too much to drink. My mum still won't discuss it so I'm at a loss. But yeah massive curiosity what he looks like do I look like him? It sounds childish I guess. I don't know what I would want out of it yet so I leave it alone.

OP I’m so impressed! Well done and good luck

Well I said I'd update and I shall.

He received my card on the Saturday and texted me on the Sunday. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour on Sunday afternoon. I do have three brothers and I spoke to one of them last night for an hour.

I shan't go into the ins and outs of it all as that's probably pretty boring but ... I've been received positively, the brother I've spoken to so far is very very excited which was nice and my biological dad has welcomed me getting in touch - although it was quite the shock I think.

What a nice out come.

@JellyNo15 aw thank you. I think I'd talked myself into not hearing back so it was a surprise to have a text Ping through on the Sunday.

He then followed up with a message after our chat saying he'd called his sister to tell her and she was really excited. He said I'd given them all 'a real lift' and 'something nice to think about' And then he added me on Facebook and is so far 'liking' every single thing I post, regardless of what it is

So glad it worked out well for you - and so quickly! I was really rooting for you!

So pleased for you OP, hope things go well.

@CecilyP I sort of was thinking ' he will receive the card on Monday' as I didn't put it in the post until mid afternoon on the Friday. So I just did a double take when a text came through

There are ins and outs of it of course which I won't go into but I've spoken with my biological dad and a brother and that's enough for now. We are in touch and hopefully will move forward gradually. It's hard to know what to exactly isn't it? I mean, do you message daily? Weekly? Give people time to adjust?

Ah well - I'm sure we will work it out!

Thanks for the support!

@MakeMineADoubleCake that's wonderful, I'm really pleased it worked out well for you!

I'm absolutely delighted things went well OP the risk paid off.

What a nice story. I hope you enjoy getting to know your new relatives.

Yes I would. I would send letter recorded delivery to make sure it was received by the right person/family.
If you leave it any longer you may find that next time you think about it it'll be too late.
Don't expect anything from any if them and you won't be Disappointed but Hopefully they'll greet you with open arms.
You have a right to know that side of your family and hear about grandparents, uncles Aunts and cousins.

Sorry just read more
Well done for being brave and contacting him. I wish you well.

I’m so glad to read your update, hope it all continues well. Must be quite exciting to find out a new chapter of your family life.

I’m so pleased for you OP and thanks so much for updating

That’s amazing I’m so happy for you!

How wonderful! My Dad reconciled with his his Dad and they had a wonderful relationship for my Granda’s last 10 years or so. They were like two peas in a pod for looks and sense of humour. He was remarried but no other kids. I was very grateful to get to know him too.