AIBU to have finally snapped?

[ChilliWillies]

Strap yourself in, this will be long. I’ve also name changed as what I’ll write is so identifying if you know me.
DH is a fussy eater. He claims he isn’t and that I’m the ‘weird’ one as I eat almost anything. DS6 is also going through a phase of saying he ‘hates’ the food I’ve made. For the record, I’m a good cook and am often complimented on my food.
I have managed to expand DH’s very limited palate over a lot of years so we can have less boring food, but any new recipe is met with suspicion. I can almost accept this, but what is CANNOT handle is that he changes his fucking mind! Something I made last week that he really enjoyed, this week ‘tastes awful’. I never know if he will like something that week or not. He also has form for getting annoyed about how food is served - I served curry and rice in big pasta bowls once and he made a big performance of tipping it all out onto a plate before he would eat it. I am the only cook - he can cook, but gets ridiculously stressed by it and also takes 3 hours to make anything.
Last night, I put dinner on the table, DS said ‘yuck, I hate this’ (he doesn’t, he loved it last week, getting this behaviour from his dad 😡) and left the table. DH poked at it dubiously, tried a bit and said ‘this is really bad’. It was some Sicilian Lamb Stew, leftover from the week before, that I’d frozen and then defrosted yesterday, served over a jacket potato. I explained he had liked it last time, and he said ‘what, with a jacket potato?’ I explained last time I’d served it with mashed potato and he literally said ‘oh that will be it then, you shouldn’t serve it with a jacket potato’!!!! 😡🙄. As if that would change the taste of the stew completely.
So, I actually lost it, stormed out, went to the shop and bought crappy white sliced bread, (he will moan if I buy unsliced bread, or anything with healthy seeds and grains in it) cheap ham, burgers, chicken nuggets and chips. When I got hone, I told him that’s what they were getting from now on, I give up.
He clearly didn’t believe me, because when I made lunch just now I made them plain ham sandwiches and made myself a new chicken story fry with peanut noodles recipe I’d been wanting to try. He’s got the right hump and is now not speaking to me.
So, we’ll done for getting this far. AIBU for subjecting to them to ham sandwiches and beige food for at least two weeks until they realise how good they had it?

@pomers

I think this is deeper than merely fussy eating. He may have been indulged as a child, but I feel he has learned to use food to control and undermine. The silent treatment is abuse. The lamb incident pure gas lighting . I think you have an emotionally abusive partner in your hands. Sorry OP

I also agree with this, using the food to control and undermine. Silent treatment def abuse.

Unfair to say your son is copying his behaviour. I have a fussy son and we're not a family of fussy eaters, his younger brother isn't fussy but my eldest is just like that. We try to encourage him otherwise but I'd try and separate the two.

Your husband sounds like an arse though!

ummm, your DH's attitude to food sounds remarkably spectrum like. Doesn't class him as full on autism spectrum, but that bit of behaviour stands out like a sore thumb. 3 out of 4 of my kids are high functioning autism spectrum but plates and layout where thankfully never an issue (though my son refuses to eat the carrot batons as they couldn't possibly still be carrots! - he's 14 by the way). My eldest child struggled with the system so much she went to a wonderfully supportive special needs school and one of the clear messages that I was taught in helping her to grow up was NOT to shield her from change but to give her the tools to deal with it. So YANNNNBU but goodness knows how you're going to implement change in your DH at this point. Good luck

This has nothing to do with fussiness. Everything to do with being thoroughly disrespectful, arrogant, selfish and spoilt. I think the references to autism are pretty bad as well. My ds is autistic and really struggles with food. But he apologises if he can’t eat something and says that he wishes he liked it. Your dh sounds horrible.

The rules in our house are

1. If you don't like what has been made you may make yourself something else.
2. You may not make a fuss about it but you may let the management (DH and I) know your preferences before we do the shopping.
3. If you do not eat what is offered and you don't make yourself something else you may not complain to the management about being hungry.

Sorry, but all the No. It's a form of controlling behaviour in my view.
I had an ex that behaved in a similar fashion. I look back and laugh now as the DH is as grateful as a labrador when anything food appears (and he cooks like a dream too when I let him, heh).

I would ask him to show respect for the fact that you'd cooked or eat in another room. He's setting a terrible example to your DS and being divisive at the same time. His criticism of the presentation is just another aspect of this. You're obviously a good cook, OP or he'd be cooking for himself all the time.

Time to push back. And tell us what's in a Sicilian lamb stew because, damn! I'm now really thinking about a hot plate of lamby goodness and a jacket potato.

You are with this man why? I've fed testy toddlers who behave better than him - if you must stay with him, down tools and refuse to cook for him any more - he's old enough to cook his own food ffs

I wouldn't have married him...you must of known he was a fussy fer before now...he sounds like a toddler...it would royally p me off uf my DH was like this but then i just wouldn't have dated someone like that...its pretty pathetic, i do have a friend who's DP doesn't eat onions or veg or anything remotely healthy...onions are the base to many many meals ...he would have been kicked to the kerb a long long time ago

@ChilliWillies God he’s lucky he’s lasted this long with that behaviour. I’d have battered him with a jumbo sausage roll. Red flags flapping in the wind: he's got disordered eating/he’s somewhere on the autistic spectrum (but never diagnosed)/ he’s got control issues/his behaviour has the potential (I can’t repeat that enough, the potential) to negatively impact your sons attitude to food so his own behaviour around food has to change. You’re absolutely right to do what you’ve done, but any return to your previous menu should be conditional on him seeing the GP, or seeking counselling. Pot noodle anyone? Good luck x

This children’s storybook springs to mind.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/911579.Bread_and_Jam_for_Frances

When I was a teen, my mother went on a cooking strike when she got fed up with us complaining about her cooking. We had to fend for ourselves. It wasn’t too bad. It gave her a break and got us out of being lazy.

How insulting of him. I could not live with that.

I can't believe you could put up with this unbelievable, insulting and quite
honestly ignorant behaviour. He acts like some childish brat and certainly not a good example for your child. Let him cook his own food and you cook yours, or if you cook it and he doesn't like it then put his portion straight into the bin and have a sandwich ready (if you really must).
This is not normal behaviour from a supposed adult. I question if he is trying to start an argument with you, I feel there is an underlying reason for trying to upset and undermine your worth !!!

I've seen that this thread is 19 pages so have only read the first page However dear op, you are (or hopefully by now were) BU pandering to the ungrateful beasts in the first place!
Wish I was in your household to enjoy your fab meals (I live solo so no one to cook for me at the moment). I would do all cleaning and washing in exchange xxx

BOTH my teens have Autism and sensory issues.
All sorts of 'food issues' (texture, touching, ok 1 week not the next etc)
I am mindful of the issues and try to avoid them but slip up sometimes. They don't whine, complain & tantrum. They just ask to have something different sometimes: if we can we do. It's no biggie.
I suspect exH is ASD too (not dx though, unlike them)
Only he is rude about food. And tantrums 'around' it too.
I no longer cook for him. It doesn't help my kids to learn this behaviour
Instead they might say: 'thanks for preparing this food for me - it's good but I'm struggling, is it okay if I grab some cheese/fruit instead?'
Not perfect but still way better than your dH is managing / teaching your son?

I guess you can’t stop cooking for your son but your husband can eff off and cook for himself!!!!! Enjoy all your own delicious stir fries and experiments. Surely this is putting a lot of pressure on the relationship? Separating the food sitch would surely cut the tension.

I think that people have a right to their own food preferences and it is not your job to force them to change; so in that sense, you are being a bit U. BUT it also isn't your job to do all the cooking for your DH! If he has strong preferences and doesn't like the way you cook, he should prepare his own meals. Having a Y chromosome doesn't automatically make someone unable to cook, or even make his own sandwiches!

YANBU OP and you are a bloody saint for putting up with it for this long. In the absence of any proper diagnoses (and I say this to underline that I really do feel that if there are other issues eg autism, ocd etc then it is totally understandable), fussy eaters are imo utter twats. Along with those who moan “oh, I can’t help always being two hours late for everything^. Grow the fuck up.

I would let ‘D’H cook his own meals from now on. Totally separate all meal times for you and ds so he learns from you. Let ‘D’H get constipation and rickets and boredom from his cheapo sliced white and ham sarnies whilst you feast on your delicious meals. Twat .

Hahahahah made yourself a chicken stir fry - you go girl!!! EXCELLENT.

This has nothing to do with fussiness. Everything to do with being thoroughly disrespectful, arrogant, selfish and spoilt. I think the references to autism are pretty bad as well. My ds is autistic and really struggles with food. But he apologises if he can’t eat something and says that he wishes he liked it. Your dh sounds horrible

Sorry - just wanted to highlight this - ekidmxcl has a kid who struggles with food and yet has the good manners, grace and maturity to decline in a totally delightful way. Meanwhile, your dh strops and gaslights you. I know who I’d rather be married to!!

Why did you marry him he sounds awful

Do you think he could be on the autistic spectrum at all?

My partner is similar. I hate having to cook anything and I used to love cooking and had a real flair for trying most things. Now it’s a boring pick of about 5 meals. Can’t have broccoli with cottage pie, it’s got to be on its own. Nothing other than meat in the cottage pie. I’ve expanded on adding carrots and last week a chopped sweet potato to make it last for two meals. I loved it I don’t care what he eats anymore and he’s getting better. The more I catered to his silliness, the worse it was. He’s less expecting than your dh though and doesn’t throw a strop. He will happily eat a bowl of cereal if he doesn’t like it.
I wouldn’t have that and the moodiness he can bugger off.

Your husband is an a hole and if my fella acted like that I’d never cook for him again

Yep I've a husband who is suspicious of new foods and would live on ham sandwiches and fry ups etc. If he doesn't want to eat what I make I shrug my shoulders and tell him there is ham in the fridge and bread in the cupboard. He doesn't winge or moan he just says thanks honey hope you don't mind. Drama over! The only exception I make is I will boil potatoes or make chips as a side when I'm making rice or cous cous as the side dish.

YANBU!!!! sounds insanely annoying. I think you were right to make a point with the beige food, but I also agree that you should phase out making him lunch, and maybe expect hiim to step up a bit when it comes to dinners too, even if it means waiting 3 hours or whatever. He'll improve with practice...

is your husband neurodivergent? that bit about thinking it was fine with mashed potato but somehow not fine with a baked potato has something of the ASD about it.