Is my DH kind of a bad husband and dad?

[samanthajonespr]

I'm a SAHM to 5 and 2 year old. Been on antidepressants for about 4 years and I'm currently having a down period which makes me tired. I pointed this out to DH last night because I was feeling frazzled after finishing my college class on Teams at 7.30 pm. He does this thing where he competes with who has the most on. He's doing his IT job at home, is left alone to get on with it while we're downstairs. So he was asking why I was tired. He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling. I think it's really important to provide a judgement free safe space for everyone.

Atm I'm homeschooling eldest whilst youngest is very clingy with me. I have to try and balance that whilst keeping them both entertained. Most days I don't get a shower until 6pm. On top of that I'm doing a volunteer job at the moment and I'm also studying part time for a course that will get me my dream job at the end. It's intense and I'm usually late for my Teams session (as schools and colleges aren't in atm) because he won't finish on time and give me the desk upstairs. I'm doing really well at it even though DH huffs and puffs about being left on his own with the children. He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad. He acts like he's the first person who ever had children even though I take on all the emotional work with them because I know how to calm them down and we talk things through rather than me just smacking them.

An example of DH's normal behaviour is him getting up today with eldest at 8 while I had half an hour reading and cuddling with littlest in bed. He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o. I then had to do this when I got up (fine, I don't mind). He can't even do an online shop or cook a meal without asking me questions about it. I feel like I don't get a break. I'm expected to do my college work when the little one has a nap and at that point in the afternoon, I just need a bit of a rest while eldest does some colouring or has some iPad time. He complains about my volunteering taking up too much time but it's something I really love. I love to help people and it involves supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I'm also trying to emotionally support my parents and siblings through lockdown, we try and talk on FaceTime a couple of times a week. I'm cooking and trying to keep everything tidy. DH takes the bins out etc and just complains and grumbles all the time. He can be so lovely and I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me". I'm not sure if I'm even in the right here, all I know is I'm frazzled and don't feel like I can carry on like this.

Well he sounds a bit shit. It might help to put in writing how much you do and much he does, so he can see the difference?

Your DH smacks your children?!!!?

I would leave him for smacking my very small children alone!

A bad husband? I think you've got some relationship issues going on, definitely, and I think you could do with some couple's counselling pronto. How much of the issues originate with him is hard to tell from your post.

A bad father? He doesn't sound like a good one, from what you've said. I wouldn't allow him to hit the children, if I were you. Threaten to contact children's services if he hits them again. He should also be able to feed and basically look after them independently. Some changes do need to be made and he needs to pull his socks up. When he clocks off from work, so do you- at that point all house and child-related work should become shared.

Yep, he sounds like a shit dad and partner.

He hits the dc.
He feeds himself and leaves the dc hungry.
He's unsupportive despite you being unwell.
He is sabotaging your training.
He resents doing even a small amount of parenting of his own dc.

I wonder if his behaviour is the root of your depression tbh.

He hits your 5 and 2 year old children?

He's a monster

Smacking would be a deal breaker for me.

Whose decision was it for you to be a SAHM? Does he feel pressured being the sole earner? I also don’t understand how you “talk things through” with children as young as you have. Not saying smacking is right, but how you parent should be a joint decision not complete opposite from each of you.

Only you know if it’s ‘bad’ though from your perspective.

Hitting the DC for me is a deal-breaker

Sounds like you have strong plans in place for your future, may need to firm them up and figure out how to get him gone

Don’t underestimate the negative impact he may be having on your mental state

Hopefully you realize OP that him smacking his children is not on. So it sounds to me like he’s huffing and puffing and actually smacking them so that you’ll object and just stop getting him to be in charge of them.

This whole situation doesn’t sound good at all for you, I’m sorry you’re in this mess.

He should know that smacking isn't the done thing these days

Yes. He’s bad.
Puts himself first all the time,zero consideration for anybody else.
Not to feed your child? Despicable

He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling.

I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me".

I’m not sure. Yes he should take on more of the mental load and hitting the DC automatically makes him a LTB IMO. It also doesn’t sound like you like him at all which makes me wonder if this relationship has had its time.

Your other issue seems to be complaining that he moans. But you also say everyone is allowed to talk about how they’re feeling? It sounds a bit like you’re allowed to complain about how you feel but he isn’t.

In any case, it sounds like he doesn’t support you or the children. And that would be enough for me to make my decision.

Smacking children is illegal where I live and rightly so. I would smack my husband if he touched our children (illegal for adults too but justified in this case!) before packing his bags.

It's child abuse. People will deny that on here because sure "it did me no harm" except that it did.

Yes, he's shit.

He hits them, that makes him a bad parent. It’s not like it was a one off smack on the bottom when they ran across a car park and frightened the life out of you, it’s not a mistake. We know better than to hit people to get them to behave.

If I were in your shoes I would leave him and try not to let him have contact with them unsupervised. But you might not want to, in which case I would agree with the idea of threatening to report him if he does it again.

Is he even trying to make any of you happy? It doesn’t sound like he is, he doesn’t see your work as important and he can’t even be bothered to look after his own children.

Leaving aside the smacking issue for a second (I don’t agree with this btw)

It sounds like you both have a lot of shit to unravel. It doesn’t sound like it’s just your partners fault. It doesn’t sound like it’s just your fault.

It sounds like you have very little communication, very little respect or even friendship within the relationship.

It is hard to be a partner to someone who has ongoing long term mental health issues. You want the space to say you feel tired and drained and are struggling but when he says oh yes me too, you don’t like it.

Honestly it sounds like you’re both in competition for whose life is worse. He doesn’t sound particularly supportive or amazing with the kids no. But can he be blamed for everything - doesn’t sound like it.

I don’t know what to suggest - perhaps counselling; perhaps a trial separation?

The first thing I’d try to stop is the competitiveness regarding who is more tired, more stressed or busier than the other. That only ever leads to arguments and resentments

Yeah, he sounds shit. He’s dismissive of you and doesn’t value your work, and he physically abuses your absolutely tiny children. I would not stay with a grown man who thought it justifiable to hit 2 & 5 year olds.

When I say I talk things through with the kids, it applies more to my 5 yo, we have a cuddle and talk about why he's cross or why he hit his brother etc. Their feelings and feeling heard are really important to me.

He's only ever smacked the littlest a couple of times. I tell him it's illegal in Scotland for a reason, he believes it gets results but it just makes them come to me when they're sad. We were both smacked as kids, we're in our 30's and it was normal then. He says he is trying to reduce it.

I encourage DH to talk about what's bothering him as well, communication is key in any relationship and it absolutely isn't the case that I'm allowed to complain and he isn't. I don't really tend to just complain out loud constantly like he does. He just says everything is "just next on a long list" I'm worried it will affect my children's confidence in the future if they feel they're "failing"

@Thehawki

Smacking is not illegal here - I’m assuming OP
Is in England so I could be completely wrong of course.

But assuming she is she has said that he smacks their bums, not that he physically abuses them. Regardless of what you or I think (and I agree it’s abhorrent) - it’s not illegal within certain limits. So what is she going to report? What safeguarding issue is there if he is within the remit of the law?

Advising that a parent shouldn’t be giving access to their children because you don’t agree with their (legal) action is a bit off

(I agree smacking shouldn’t be legal btw)

Bad?

He’s fucking abusive! Who the Hell smacks a 5 and 2 year old?!

Fucking Hell OP.

Have my first LTB.

From the sounds of it, he doesn't have a single redeeming feature.

Smacking the DC would have me seeing red. He would be out before he could raise his hand.

Sorting himself breakfast and not feeding the child is another unacceptable thing. What grown adult could do that?

His inability to accept that you need help is awful. It sounds like you have loads going on and he’s being a useless shit!

OP, why on earth would you stay with him?

He’s not ‘kind of’ a bad husband and dad; he is terrible. He shouldn’t be within a million miles of those tiny, defenceless children.

OP your update talks far more about your concerns for your children.

If this is the case then it’s ultimatum time isn’t it.
Significant change or end of the marriage.

Why sit around waiting for your kids to be emotionally damaged through this dysfunctional and unhappy relationship

It's not illegal to smack (although it should be, it's illegal to hit anyone else who can smack you back). It's also not illegal to ignore your family and your wife and essentially be a paying guest in your own home. It's still shit.