Is my DH kind of a bad husband and dad?

[samanthajonespr]

I'm a SAHM to 5 and 2 year old. Been on antidepressants for about 4 years and I'm currently having a down period which makes me tired. I pointed this out to DH last night because I was feeling frazzled after finishing my college class on Teams at 7.30 pm. He does this thing where he competes with who has the most on. He's doing his IT job at home, is left alone to get on with it while we're downstairs. So he was asking why I was tired. He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling. I think it's really important to provide a judgement free safe space for everyone.

Atm I'm homeschooling eldest whilst youngest is very clingy with me. I have to try and balance that whilst keeping them both entertained. Most days I don't get a shower until 6pm. On top of that I'm doing a volunteer job at the moment and I'm also studying part time for a course that will get me my dream job at the end. It's intense and I'm usually late for my Teams session (as schools and colleges aren't in atm) because he won't finish on time and give me the desk upstairs. I'm doing really well at it even though DH huffs and puffs about being left on his own with the children. He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad. He acts like he's the first person who ever had children even though I take on all the emotional work with them because I know how to calm them down and we talk things through rather than me just smacking them.

An example of DH's normal behaviour is him getting up today with eldest at 8 while I had half an hour reading and cuddling with littlest in bed. He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o. I then had to do this when I got up (fine, I don't mind). He can't even do an online shop or cook a meal without asking me questions about it. I feel like I don't get a break. I'm expected to do my college work when the little one has a nap and at that point in the afternoon, I just need a bit of a rest while eldest does some colouring or has some iPad time. He complains about my volunteering taking up too much time but it's something I really love. I love to help people and it involves supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I'm also trying to emotionally support my parents and siblings through lockdown, we try and talk on FaceTime a couple of times a week. I'm cooking and trying to keep everything tidy. DH takes the bins out etc and just complains and grumbles all the time. He can be so lovely and I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me". I'm not sure if I'm even in the right here, all I know is I'm frazzled and don't feel like I can carry on like this.

@samanthajonespr

When I say I talk things through with the kids, it applies more to my 5 yo, we have a cuddle and talk about why he's cross or why he hit his brother etc. Their feelings and feeling heard are really important to me.

He's only ever smacked the littlest a couple of times. I tell him it's illegal in Scotland for a reason, he believes it gets results but it just makes them come to me when they're sad. We were both smacked as kids, we're in our 30's and it was normal then. He says he is trying to reduce it.

I encourage DH to talk about what's bothering him as well, communication is key in any relationship and it absolutely isn't the case that I'm allowed to complain and he isn't. I don't really tend to just complain out loud constantly like he does. He just says everything is "just next on a long list" I'm worried it will affect my children's confidence in the future if they feel they're "failing"

If this is real, I would tell him to leave until he can control his temper around the children, and find alternative forms of discipline. No fucking way would anyone be in my house, physically assaulting my children

@WhateverJudy

She's said that she's in Scotland where it's illegal.

She’s in England.....she told her husband, in Scotland, it’s illegal to smack children.

I feel so sorry for your children OP. You have to try to get between a grown man and a toddler and sometimes you aren’t quick enough? That poor little boy must be terrified!

He's not going to change OP. If he doesn't value your mental health he is only going to drag you down and hitting the kids is not going to help. You need to tell him to stop it right away. He needs to learn how to deal with them without hitting.

He's not prioritising you or the kids - he's a complete twat! You don't need to wait for the desk. I have a computer table with wheels on for about £20 from Amazon. You could get one of those and use it for when you work. You can choose which room you which in then.

He sounds like a manchild constantly complaining out loudly. He needs to grow up and treat people properly. Life isn't all about him is it? Sounds to me like its crunch time. Do you want him to drag you and the kids down with him any longer. Kids pick on negative emotions easily. My ex was always miserable and seeing the negative - it brings you all down. I got rid of him and my dd is much happier and says the atmosphere in our home is so much nicer.

Either you give him an ultimatim to change, you end it or you continue to let him drag you down and mistreat the kids. It's your choice - choose yourself and the kids!

He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad.

I have lost my rag with my own small child far too many times and not once have I come close to smacking him. Your DH sounds nasty, impatient and aggressive and it sounds like the children have very little bond with him.

He hits your children, OP. That alone would make me leave him.
Who makes food for themselves but for not a hungry child?
Your partner just sounds like a miserable bastard, who makes life more miserable for you and your DC, rather than being any sort of real partner or father, who frankly should really bring joy to all your lives (not always, but on balance).
I don't see the point of him.

If my husband hit our children l would leave him full stop. All the other issues are second to that.
Are you fine with him hitting your children? Are they not scared of him?

Your DH is a physical and emotional bully and a dick. Not sure what you can do about that.

IMO you also need to look at reducing your own load, if not for yourself then for the sake of your DC. It's all very well doing a great and satisfying job as a volunteer but not if it adversely effects your family life (by leaving your DC with an inadequate parent) or your own mental health. I've volunteered in various roles and at various levels for over 20 years and a fundamental rule is that you should always put your own health and home life first. If you need to step back for a while you should do it. It's no good helping a client if you or your family suffer as a consequence.

I find it odd that he’d get up with one dc and give himself breakfast and coffee and nothing for the child. Isn’t it just natural to feed your child first and think about yourself later 🤷🏻‍♀️My dp can be a lazy bugger, but it’s fairly obvious you don’t leave your dc hungry. I personally wouldn’t like the snacking either and wouldn’t allow it, could you try to talk to him about it?

If he says he is trying to reduce smacking, but somehow cant bring himself to stop outright, and tends to do it when you are not around, thats behaviour would raise red flags for me. Either he doesnt want to stop, but hes lying to you to get you to stop talking about it, or he can't stop. But it isnt something you should have to wean yourself off

Does he hit hard enough to leave a mark OP because that is illegal in England

Smacking is legal but if he leaves a mark that isn't legal.
If the dc told school or nursery that they are hit by their dad then this would be reported to social services.
You would both be advised by social services to discipline in alternative ways and the illegality of bruising dc would be highlighted.
Your family would then have a record with social services.

@ChrissyPlummer

Whose decision was it for you to be a SAHM? Does he feel pressured being the sole earner? I also don’t understand how you “talk things through” with children as young as you have. Not saying smacking is right, but how you parent should be a joint decision not complete opposite from each of you.

Only you know if it’s ‘bad’ though from your perspective.

Why don’t you understand how she talks things through with her 5 and 2 yr old? I do that with mine. It’s easy. Talking to them at their level of course, being patient and understanding, which should not be beyond her DH.

If your 5 year old tells school his Dad hits him the family will be reported to socials services. It is a safeguarding issue. Even if your Dh cannot see this is an issue, it is an issue, it is huge and unacceptable.

Secondly he sounds immensely selfish, makes himself food and not his 5 year old who is downstairs with him.

Selfish because he will not support you being able to be on your zoom call at the right time.

I am wondering if he is sabotaging you because he wants the little wife to stay home and do all housework etc. If you return to work housework will become a more even split.

My teenagers take the bins out, hardly a difficult job.

Your Dh is a shit Dad and a shit husband. You need to have a sit down talk.

I stopped reading when I got to the bit about him hitting your children. Nope. That would be it for me.

I come from a generation when smacking was norm (70s child) and I think I may be the only one of my friendship group whose parents didn't smack them. It's wrong and it should never happen, although you will find people on here dress it up as normal. It's not, don't allow it.

And the smacking should be at the very top of your problems with your H to be honest.

There are a number of issues you are contending with OP, and I really empathise, but the smacking issue needs urgent attention. He cannot physically hit them, it’s just not on. You need to tell him that unless he can control his anger and find an alternative way of dealing with the children, he will have to leave.

For your part, I think at present you should put the volunteering on hold. Use the time this gives you to concentrate on you, your family, your studies and go back to the volunteering when life at home is more stable. Dont feel guilty about that. You need to carve out more time for what is important and now is the time to be a bit selfish with your time and less selfless. Hopefully more headspace and less stressing about the studies will help you formulate plans for the future and get in place some other other suggestions by previous posters.

I’m copying this message from another thread. I’m not the author. It came from another site (not ). But every bit of the advice pertains to you and your situation. I hope you find it enlightening.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

Sorry, that should have said, (not Mumsnet).

I think that your husband is using your DC as weapons. He doesn't respect them as little people.

You are blaming yourself (mental health issues - being hard to live with at times) for the fact that he is physically abusing and neglecting their needs. He really wants to not meet your basic needs like providing food when you can't feed yourself and smack you but this would be obvious abuse.

Therefore his best gaslighting way of hurting you and making you feel powerless and at fault is by being abusive to your DC. Then it's really your fault for not being able to protect your DC - not fast enough, not in the room etc. If you were good enough you would be. This is all kinds of fucked up and means that he is abusive to you all.

Please contact women's aid and do the freedom programme - even in lockdown you can do it online.

I completely agree with PP- your DH sounds completely selfish and hitting the DC is awful.

Perhaps I'll get flamed, but why did you choose to have a 2nd child if you already had these issues before and you've been on anti depressants for 4 years? Depression, anxiety and further PND are not the ideal circumstances for more stress in the form of another child.

He says he is trying to reduce it. The worryit thing is op, he isn't smacking as a decision to discipline. If he was he'd just stop it and do something else. If he has to try and control the impulse to hit them, he's doing it from a place of reaction, anger, loss of control. He won't stop that just because you tell him to.

I honestly think not being with someone who doesn't seem to care much about you and Jas uncontrollable anger issues around your kids would help your MH

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

Smacking would be a deal breaker for me.

Same here. Child abuse is not what good parents do.

We've had a chat. He says he feels incapable and its the only way he can get them to behave. He says I just try and 'counsel' them all (that's what I'm studying to be and I'm their mum, not a detached counsellor fgs)

He has been told that next time he even threatens smacking, we will be leaving. If I find out out from one of the children that he has (and they tell me straight away, plus I can hear the commotion) I will be ringing the police. (I'm worried that the police won't do anything but it's worth a try). My parents have a spare room and plenty of things that children need, so I have somewhere to go. I'm looking at reducing the time I spend volunteering to a minimum. You can do as much or little as you want but I've been enjoying doing something I'm good at so maybe got carried away.

DH has never beaten the children or smacked them anywhere but on the bottom, he has left hand marks before though.

I need to have a long think about whether or not I can continue in this marriage, we've been together a long time and I've never lived alone.

I love him, but he's just never really grasped the nettle when it comes to being a parent. I have never been happier than I am with my precious boys, maybe he resents that? That I've taken to it and he struggles? He used to be the superstar with his good degree and well-paying job for his age and success and promotions but these days, life is about more than that isn't it? It's measured by more things than just a good job.

You try to reduce your intake of sugar and salt. You don't try to reduce assaulting your small children.