Is my DH kind of a bad husband and dad?

[samanthajonespr]

I'm a SAHM to 5 and 2 year old. Been on antidepressants for about 4 years and I'm currently having a down period which makes me tired. I pointed this out to DH last night because I was feeling frazzled after finishing my college class on Teams at 7.30 pm. He does this thing where he competes with who has the most on. He's doing his IT job at home, is left alone to get on with it while we're downstairs. So he was asking why I was tired. He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling. I think it's really important to provide a judgement free safe space for everyone.

Atm I'm homeschooling eldest whilst youngest is very clingy with me. I have to try and balance that whilst keeping them both entertained. Most days I don't get a shower until 6pm. On top of that I'm doing a volunteer job at the moment and I'm also studying part time for a course that will get me my dream job at the end. It's intense and I'm usually late for my Teams session (as schools and colleges aren't in atm) because he won't finish on time and give me the desk upstairs. I'm doing really well at it even though DH huffs and puffs about being left on his own with the children. He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad. He acts like he's the first person who ever had children even though I take on all the emotional work with them because I know how to calm them down and we talk things through rather than me just smacking them.

An example of DH's normal behaviour is him getting up today with eldest at 8 while I had half an hour reading and cuddling with littlest in bed. He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o. I then had to do this when I got up (fine, I don't mind). He can't even do an online shop or cook a meal without asking me questions about it. I feel like I don't get a break. I'm expected to do my college work when the little one has a nap and at that point in the afternoon, I just need a bit of a rest while eldest does some colouring or has some iPad time. He complains about my volunteering taking up too much time but it's something I really love. I love to help people and it involves supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I'm also trying to emotionally support my parents and siblings through lockdown, we try and talk on FaceTime a couple of times a week. I'm cooking and trying to keep everything tidy. DH takes the bins out etc and just complains and grumbles all the time. He can be so lovely and I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me". I'm not sure if I'm even in the right here, all I know is I'm frazzled and don't feel like I can carry on like this.

I feel so sorry for your poor children. The damage being done to them is horrible.

He's going to TRY and reduce how often he hits the kids??? Not good enough. You shouldn't need to try, just don't do it. He is a grown up and should have learnt by now how to respond to his feelings of anger/frustration, in a way other than physical violence. It's fine to have those feelings, we all do, but his reaction is 100% NOT OK. He's kind of a horrendous dad and husband I'm afraid.

[quote 2020iscancelled]@Thehawki

Smacking is not illegal here - I’m assuming OP
Is in England so I could be completely wrong of course.

But assuming she is she has said that he smacks their bums, not that he physically abuses them. Regardless of what you or I think (and I agree it’s abhorrent) - it’s not illegal within certain limits. So what is she going to report? What safeguarding issue is there if he is within the remit of the law?

Advising that a parent shouldn’t be giving access to their children because you don’t agree with their (legal) action is a bit off

(I agree smacking shouldn’t be legal btw)[/quote]
I’m afraid you’re right, unfortunately OP has no solution to stopping her children being hit. Even leaving him wouldn’t help as he would have unsupervised access. I’m not quite sure what advice to give, best thing to do would be to try and stop him being around them as much as possible and see if he might change his views based on child development? I’m really not sure what other leg OP has to stand on.

He hits your two year old, little more than a baby.

Nothing else here is remotely important compared to that.

You need to leave him, anything else is being complicit in his abuse of your children.

If a grown man needs to 'try' to reduce his hitting of a two year old, and you need to ask if he is a decent father, then there are some serious issues here. Him having to 'try' demonstrates that he loses control when he does so. His admission that he needs to cut back indicates he knows it is wrong.

And you are the only one that can get your children out of their abusive household.

Sorry to be blunt and I'm sure this is hard to hear, but you need to step up here and open your eyes. If someone outside of your home picks up on the fact that your children are being hit at home they will step in and rightly so.

She's said that she's in Scotland where it's illegal.

I have demanded he stop the smacking so many times. I will put myself between him and my child and I can stop it. Other times, he just gets there too fast or I'm not in the room and my son will come to me and tell me that his dad smacked him, in which case I will go and demand answers. He does it a lot less than he used to and I promise I don't just stand there and watch him do it. I think I should print off some info to show him and hopefully stop it once and for all. I've tried leaving and having some breathing space but I got shouted at for breaching lockdown and taking the kids to my mum's.

I feel really sad at the thought of a wee toddler getting a smack.

He's not a bad father and husband, he's a fucking awful one and shouldn't be raising children at all.

I can’t believe some posters have said he is average! No he’s not. He is a shit husband and Dad. Let’s aim higher for gods sake. I would tell my DD to never put up with this and I would be ashamed of a son for treating his family this way.

I have a two year old, and if DH never did anything I would be on my knees it’s so relentless.

Get qualified in your college course, get your dream job and then leave him.

So tell the police or ss op. I don't know how things work in the uk, in Oz I'd tell the police. If anyone hit my toddler it would never bloody happen again.

I was smacked as a child and I was absolutely adamant that my kids would not be smacked. It is lazy parenting and doesn’t work anyway.

That aside, he seems extremely unsupportive. He should finish work on time when you have your course, if he can make breakfast for himself he can surely manage to make it for the family. My 15 y/o managed to prep breakfast for us all this morning. He would always ask if he was cooking anyway, as would we. He needs to understand that he isn’t doing you a favour by watching his dc, he is just being a parent.

I am in slight agreement about the volunteering though. Small children and studying is quite a lot to take on in itself, it may help you to have one less responsibility at the minute. You can always pick up again when you have more time.

Op when I think about what you're saying. Being shouted at, trying to convince him not to hit your small children - the best thing you can do is call women's aid. He's abusing and controlling you, you need help.

@Iwonder08 it's really useful to look at all sides, I agree. I think I can be hard to live with at times because nothing helps when I feel down, I just have to ride it out. I'm very rarely unfunctioning so I think that makes things easier to deal with.

I hate that my family have to live with my illness. I'm currently waiting for a psychiatric referral to change my meds as it's taken 4 years of trial and error with my GP and I've gone as far as I can without psych help. My appointment is in March so not long to wait now. I've also had CBT and I'm better after that. My down periods are much further apart now

I feel sick reading that you let him smack a A TWO YEAR OLD. I hope your neighbours or someone who actually cares about children's welfare phones social services.

I was repeatedly smacked as a child. It disgusts me and indicates total failure and loss of control on a parents part. At the very least he needs to go to anger management.

Also, he feeds himself and allows your 5 year old to go hungry and thirsty? What an absolute dick.
Not sure what you're looking for here, sympathy? but if you stay then you're complicit and those boys will grow up to be angry young men.

I have demanded he stop the smacking so many times. I will put myself between him and my child and I can stop it. Other times, he just gets there too fast or I'm not in the room and my son will come to me and tell me that his dad smacked him, in which case I will go and demand answers. He does it a lot less than he used to and I promise I don't just stand there and watch him do it.

Your poor kids

My dad used to smack my brother.
My brother has never got over it. He's 58. He hates mum for not protecting him.

OP - a two year old child can easily be killed by an angry man who can't control himself. All your empathy and sacrifice and SAHM-ness will mean fuck all when your youngest DC is in hospital or worse.

Does he hit hard enough to leave a mark OP because that is illegal in England

BeingATwatItsABingThing yeah I agree it is woolly in terms of getting a conviction in the legal sense but I think actually from how the OP terms when and how he does it and to the two year old there is enough there to say he is potentially crossing a line

OP you can go and visit your mum to escape this situation given that you need some breathing space. I suggest you go because this isnt a good environment for your children

he hits a 2 yr old....i would be contacting social services myself and asking for support. Your H is a bully, hitting is a sign of the adult losing control. You standing back and thinking it is ok because it is not illegal doesnt stop it being abusive. He may not be arrested but social services will have a view on whether it is a safeguarding issue for your DC.

I'm going to get some support, I thought what I was doing was enough. I love my boys more than anything and I'm going to make sure it never happens again

Kind of bad?! He sounds absolutely dreadful. You and your children deserve so much better than this.

Jesus, he sounds so shit! I feel for you.. He seems like one of them guys that thinks hes single and childless.. you are not asking for too much. I think you should definitely show him in some way how much more you're doing and that it took both of you to make them.

However to the people who say hitting is a deal breaker.. AS LONG as we aren't talking about a abuse and all his man strength. Alil tap on the hand or bum really doesn't hurt anyone (Maybe not a 2 years old tho, that's abit much) However have you seen the kids today since people are not allowed to give there kids a smack???? they have no respect. I can tell you im 1 of 6, us first 4 got hit and we are VERY different when it comes to respect and knowing our place, even at the ages we are. The last two with the talking method and naughty corner? give them 5 mins they'll be back to being naughty.

@samanthajonespr

I'm going to get some support, I thought what I was doing was enough. I love my boys more than anything and I'm going to make sure it never happens again

I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with his shit for so long. I’m not suggesting for a second you’re a bad mum, it is a hard situation to be in. Getting the support is the right thing to do, try your hardest to make sure it doesn’t happen again and leave him if you have to.

If my DH, a fully grown man, smacked my child I'd rip his fucking head off. How dare he use physical violence against a small child, hurting them because he can't be arse to parent them properly. He's not 'kind of a bad dad' he's a bad dad full stop.

Honestly op, I hope you can access some support because you sound worn down. I think the very fact that this man has convinced you that you have no choice but to accept him intermittently hurting your babies says a lot about what life must be like in your home.

The sabotaging of your course feels like an attempt to control you and to stop you from pursuing a career.

He is gaslighting you by making himself the victim of your depression and blaming you for an illness that you did not choose to have.

I think he is abusive to you and your dc.

Smacking is just straight up NOPE!

Your life sounds totally chaotic and both of you need to cut some of the fat out while still allowing you to accomplish your goals. You both sound totally and utterly overwhelmed... scratch that. You ARE both totally and utterly overwhelmed. Go back to the marital drawing board and carve up a more peaceful plan. Sometimes it's not what's being said but done that tells you where a person is at. I don't think you need him to say a word. The conversation you're waiting for is fairly predictable. It's obvious he's a man on the edge (not an excuse or a plea for sympathy for your husband, just a plain as day observation based on what you've written here). I think it's time to put both your cards on the table and discuss what you can do together to restore some harmony in the home and the marriage. You'll need to listen to each other, even if you don't like what's being said, hold each other's needs up to the light and then respond to them fairly.

It's time to take responsibility, OP. It doesn't matter whether other people deem him to be 'a bad husband' or 'a bad dad'. You need to make some changes, because he certainly isn't interested in helping you feel better, and it's not about you convincing him to see things differently.

Enforce your boundaries. When he moans, walk away. He doesn't support you, so don't sit around listening to him whinge. When he asks you things, thereby passing the responsibility for the mental load to you, tell him you don't know, and walk away.

You're right that communication is vital in a relationship, but respect needs to be there too, and he doesn't respect you. It's like saying that petrol is vital in a car, and then putting it into a car with no accelerator and expecting it to fix the problem. You don't have a functioning relationship, and there's no wonder depression is getting its teeth into you. You have the opposite of support in your relationship: you're having your feelings minimised, day in, day out. You need to start to realise that you can offer yourself support, but that won't happen until you admit that he isn't offering you any, and isn't going to. You have to let him go, either altogether, or just emotionally, to free up your supportive self for you.

He sounds shit. Any smacking that is more than a one off shouldn't be tolerated.