Is my DH kind of a bad husband and dad?

[samanthajonespr]

I'm a SAHM to 5 and 2 year old. Been on antidepressants for about 4 years and I'm currently having a down period which makes me tired. I pointed this out to DH last night because I was feeling frazzled after finishing my college class on Teams at 7.30 pm. He does this thing where he competes with who has the most on. He's doing his IT job at home, is left alone to get on with it while we're downstairs. So he was asking why I was tired. He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling. I think it's really important to provide a judgement free safe space for everyone.

Atm I'm homeschooling eldest whilst youngest is very clingy with me. I have to try and balance that whilst keeping them both entertained. Most days I don't get a shower until 6pm. On top of that I'm doing a volunteer job at the moment and I'm also studying part time for a course that will get me my dream job at the end. It's intense and I'm usually late for my Teams session (as schools and colleges aren't in atm) because he won't finish on time and give me the desk upstairs. I'm doing really well at it even though DH huffs and puffs about being left on his own with the children. He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad. He acts like he's the first person who ever had children even though I take on all the emotional work with them because I know how to calm them down and we talk things through rather than me just smacking them.

An example of DH's normal behaviour is him getting up today with eldest at 8 while I had half an hour reading and cuddling with littlest in bed. He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o. I then had to do this when I got up (fine, I don't mind). He can't even do an online shop or cook a meal without asking me questions about it. I feel like I don't get a break. I'm expected to do my college work when the little one has a nap and at that point in the afternoon, I just need a bit of a rest while eldest does some colouring or has some iPad time. He complains about my volunteering taking up too much time but it's something I really love. I love to help people and it involves supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I'm also trying to emotionally support my parents and siblings through lockdown, we try and talk on FaceTime a couple of times a week. I'm cooking and trying to keep everything tidy. DH takes the bins out etc and just complains and grumbles all the time. He can be so lovely and I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me". I'm not sure if I'm even in the right here, all I know is I'm frazzled and don't feel like I can carry on like this.

I don't perpetuate the competition. I accepted a long time ago that tiredness and less time to spend together as a couple are just part and parcel. I love my children and don't resent them for taking up my time, it's happily given.

He's only ever smacked the littlest a couple of times. I tell him it's illegal in Scotland for a reason, he believes it gets results but it just makes them come to me when they're sad. We were both smacked as kids, we're in our 30's and it was normal then. He says he is trying to reduce it.

He’s a moron if he thinks it gets results beyond immediate compliance and fear. It doesn’t teach respect or natural consequences for actions. It teaches that you physically hurt someone if they do something you don’t like.

Are you in Scotland?

It’s really bad he feeds himself and not 5yo but leaves it for you. Like if he’s sorted it’s ok and that’s rotten. My dh plays victim when kids are having a go at him. I get it all day every day. He doesn’t. It’s all so messed up right now.

One of the things that worries me is you say he is ‘trying to reduce’ the smacking. Does he find it difficult to control? If as parents you decide to use smacking as a form of discipline, it needs to be done when you aren’t angry, so you can carefully control the force you use.

If I were you though I would be saying that smacking stops now. It’s humiliating for the child if nothing else, and teaches that using violence is normal (see your comment about you both being smacked as children)

Also, your husband needs to learn different techniques for managing behaviour before those boys get bigger. If the only way that he can get them to do what he wants is smacking, what is he going to do when they get to be big teenage boys?

It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page at all when it comes to parenting and this can be very confusing for children. I would actually suggest you get some professional support to learn how to parent together. I’m not sure where you can get this from - your gp might be able to signpost for you?

No, we're in England but I think it should be illegal here too.

talk about why he's cross or why he hit his brother etc

He probably hits his brother because he is mirroring the behaviour from his Dad & that’s how kids learn what ‘normal’ behaviour is. He can hardly be blamed for it given that that’s what he is learning from his male role model. Your DH can be blamed for it - it may have been what he learnt too, but he’s a grown man who can choose to break the pattern.

Given that you are bringing up two boys in a household where violence is the solution to a problem (however ‘mild’ that violence is - it’s still apparently what you do when you don’t like what someone else is doing..), where his Mum does all the drudgery of housework, where her feelings aren’t valid & where their own behaviour is controlled by fear rather than giving them the opportunity to work out what is right and wrong by teaching them and talking to them about how it affects others etc (I’m sure you do, but he clearly doesn’t, which is probably confusing for them).

Is that the blueprint you want for them OP?

In answer to your question though - yes, he is a bad husband and Dad. The first thing to prioritise would be the smacking, I’d be long gone after the first time but maybe, if you think it is possible for him to change then talk to him about it and tell him the next time he raises a hand to either of your children he’s gone.

So:

He ignores your mental health issues and basically puts blocks up to you doing your Teams meetings by deliberately overrunning

He is allowed to moan and be anxious but you are not

He pretty much only takes the bins out

So what does he do you for in terms of being a husband other than probably cause quite a lot of your anxiety? He isnt kind of a bad husband he is one

Then with the children

He smacks then (BIG NO FROM ME)
Can make food and drink for himself but not for his child (massive red flag here)
huffs and puffs about looking after them

Yep he is not a good parent either

@samanthajonespr

No, we're in England but I think it should be illegal here too.

Then, unfortunately, the law isn’t on your side.

I would be telling him he stops abusing the children or he’s out. Smacking and not feeding them is unacceptable. What if you were out of the house? Would he just not feed them at all?!

Actually the law in England says it is on legal if it is a reasonable punishment and I am not sure given what the OP is saying about the behaviour and the age it necessarily is reasonable

Given we are only one of 4 european countries that allow it! But even then I think it is suppose to me a light tap rather than anything else. If it is out of proportion and leaves marks (particularly with the 2 year olds age) it is not as clear cut as he is doing it legally!

The smacking thing is AWFUL. I'm in Scotland and agree with it being illegal. Not ok if I hit you if you piss me off really is it? Same thing. If he had a dog would he beat it and kick it if it misbehaved? No? Why is it ok to hit your children then?

That aside, compared to a lot of threads I see on here your DH sounds about average. He's just a bit meh and shit really, without being truly awful. He's a bit lazy and doesn't show enough care or kindness to you or support you or the kids. Your description of "lovely" doesn't hold up to what you're describing.

How different do you think your life would be if you were on your own? Reading your OP through again, I'm going to say not much. You could try a discussion about him stepping up as a member of the household, but I doubt it'll do much good. Men like this don't tend to change or evolve much as they are fundamentally selfish and self-centred.

He's only ever smacked the littlest a couple of times. I tell him it's illegal in Scotland for a reason, he believes it gets results

If the results he's after are angry aggressive DC who resent their father then yeah it gets results alright.

Numerous studies have been done on this. Smacking doesn't work, it's a lazy quickfix by a parent who is completely out of control. I assume he's relatively intelligent if he works in IT? Have him read up and appeal to his logic if you're not going to demand he stops. Just know by allowing this you're complicit. I know I'm being harsh here but mothers standing by allowing their children to be abused really grinds my gears.

OP, just a view from the other side of the story.. You've been depressed for 4 years, it must be bloody hard to live with a person who is constantly depressed on top of all the covid related stress everyone is under. Are you having any therapy? Is it getting any better?
Why are you doing a volunteering work if you are tired, have no time to shower etc?
Your husband might also be under severe stress given he is a sole breadwinner and you chose to do unpaid work.
However..you need to calmly explain to him that your family unit need to re-organise the chores and responsibilities. He needs to pick up more housework/cooking/childcare. And most importantly..HE Can't Smack Children.

Is he depressed? I only ask because of the constant complaining, the couple of days of being ok followed by a long low and the difficulty he seems to have when being asked to care for the children alone. Might also explain his position of you’re the only one allowed to feel down and the competitive ‘woe is me’.

I also feel physically sick at the thought of a grown man smacking a 2 yo. Is there any way you can get him to agree to stop this behaviour?

@Quartz2208

Actually the law in England says it is on legal if it is a reasonable punishment and I am not sure given what the OP is saying about the behaviour and the age it necessarily is reasonable

Given we are only one of 4 european countries that allow it! But even then I think it is suppose to me a light tap rather than anything else. If it is out of proportion and leaves marks (particularly with the 2 year olds age) it is not as clear cut as he is doing it legally!

Whilst I completely agree with you, it’s such a woolly law that there is no way he would get any repercussions for this. My argument is that no level of force used against a child with the aim to hurt is reasonable but the law disagrees with me.

Why are you with him? Put your children first, you should be protecting them...not allowing them to grow up in a violent household

LTB. I guarantee he'll take your depression with him when he walks out of the door.

He's depressing you with his constant complaining, abuse of his children and lack of support. You are warm, loving, clever and capable. He's bringing nothing to the party.

@Stompythedinosaur

Yep, he sounds like a shit dad and partner.

He hits the dc.
He feeds himself and leaves the dc hungry.
He's unsupportive despite you being unwell.
He is sabotaging your training.
He resents doing even a small amount of parenting of his own dc.

I wonder if his behaviour is the root of your depression tbh.

This. He sounds selfish, rude, and completely oblivious or uncaring towards any needs you and your children may have.

@Stompythedinosaur

Yep, he sounds like a shit dad and partner.

He hits the dc.
He feeds himself and leaves the dc hungry.
He's unsupportive despite you being unwell.
He is sabotaging your training.
He resents doing even a small amount of parenting of his own dc.

I wonder if his behaviour is the root of your depression tbh.

Yep, agree entirely with this post

How often does he have the children on his own? How do you split tasks at the weekend such as household chores and child care?
My thoughts are that in an equal relationship there should be roughly equal leisure time. I however would count your volunteering as leisure time, if it's not connected to your job and you do it because you love it. Do you get much couple time together between your studying and volunteering? Are you planning to go back to work after you have finished studying? How do you think tasks will be split then?

Smacking aside, it's hard to tell whether he is a bad husband and father from what you've said, though if he doesn't voluntarily want to spend any quality time with his children, gets overly annoyed at normal childish behaviour, leaves all of the housework to you even though you're home schooling, looking after a toddler and studying, if he is happy to have much more leisure or hobby time than you, then I would say that constitutes being a bad husband and father.

I think it sounds like he is sabotaging your studying as well. Unless he has a meeting or something that's hard to move, or has no flexibility on his own workload and work patterns, then he absolutely needs to be finishing on time for your studying. Its rude and controlling to not do this, and I'd be asking him why. If it was something he had arranged eg an online get together with his friends, would he be over running for that? Is he generally supportive of your studying?

Do you think he likes having you at home running around after him and the kids ans is worried about the dynamic changing when you go back to work, because he might actually have to do some housework and look after his own children?

Also getting yourself food and drink and not offering it to a child who you are looking after is mean and rude

In Scotland it is illegal to smack your children! I take it that’s not the same in the rest of the U.K.? He doesn’t hit the2 year old does he? (Not that I think hitting a 5 year old is ok either?!)

He's only ever smacked the littlest a couple of times.

He smacks a 2 year old.
That's it, that's the end of the conversation. I'm sorry.

He fully supported my decision to be a stay at home mum, I've done it for all of our children's lives. He used to say he was proud of me for doing that. I had PND on top of my plain old garden variety depression and anxiety which he was supportive through. The volunteering fell into my lap and I gladly took that up because I wasn't being stimulated creatively. Then the college course opened up and I took that on as well because it's part time and it will lead to a job that I know I'm going to love.

I don't think covid has helped with the frazzled feeling with both of us really. All of being stuck under the same roof. I'm trying to keep things varied for both of us. With couple time, the little one is finding it hard to be away from me atm so is going to bed at the same time as us and is wanting to co-sleep, which is fine.

I have always tried to make sure that DH isn't depressed, I hope he'd tell me, I'm empathetic and approachable, I'm in no way standoffish or nasty. I hope that doesn't sound big headed.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay thank you for saying that, it means a lot