Is my DH kind of a bad husband and dad?

[samanthajonespr]

I'm a SAHM to 5 and 2 year old. Been on antidepressants for about 4 years and I'm currently having a down period which makes me tired. I pointed this out to DH last night because I was feeling frazzled after finishing my college class on Teams at 7.30 pm. He does this thing where he competes with who has the most on. He's doing his IT job at home, is left alone to get on with it while we're downstairs. So he was asking why I was tired. He just shrugs off any mention of my mental health as I'm just depressed all the time and no-one else is allowed to feel anxious, according to him. Not true, I really take care to make sure we all talk about how we're feeling. I think it's really important to provide a judgement free safe space for everyone.

Atm I'm homeschooling eldest whilst youngest is very clingy with me. I have to try and balance that whilst keeping them both entertained. Most days I don't get a shower until 6pm. On top of that I'm doing a volunteer job at the moment and I'm also studying part time for a course that will get me my dream job at the end. It's intense and I'm usually late for my Teams session (as schools and colleges aren't in atm) because he won't finish on time and give me the desk upstairs. I'm doing really well at it even though DH huffs and puffs about being left on his own with the children. He goes on and on about their occasional bad behaviour and shouts at them and smacks their bottoms if they do something bad. He acts like he's the first person who ever had children even though I take on all the emotional work with them because I know how to calm them down and we talk things through rather than me just smacking them.

An example of DH's normal behaviour is him getting up today with eldest at 8 while I had half an hour reading and cuddling with littlest in bed. He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o. I then had to do this when I got up (fine, I don't mind). He can't even do an online shop or cook a meal without asking me questions about it. I feel like I don't get a break. I'm expected to do my college work when the little one has a nap and at that point in the afternoon, I just need a bit of a rest while eldest does some colouring or has some iPad time. He complains about my volunteering taking up too much time but it's something I really love. I love to help people and it involves supporting women who have had traumatic births.

I'm also trying to emotionally support my parents and siblings through lockdown, we try and talk on FaceTime a couple of times a week. I'm cooking and trying to keep everything tidy. DH takes the bins out etc and just complains and grumbles all the time. He can be so lovely and I'll get a few days of him being nice and then it's back to "oh woe is me". I'm not sure if I'm even in the right here, all I know is I'm frazzled and don't feel like I can carry on like this.

I did as a child only a couple of times but can honestly say has not affected me in the slightest

It has affected you though.

You now think physical violence is an acceptable method of communication.

@MacDuffsMuff am not angry with you I just didn't appreciate your sarcastic remarks. If you want to actually talk to me & want me me to clarify my views on something that's fine il happily have a conversation but if someone who does not know me approaches me in a certain manner then I have no time for it. The thing is I find on mums net a lot of women seem to jump on everyone's responses and start fighting with each other. I find it all a bit bizzare as we all don't know each other yet people drum up all kinds of conclusions and argue

There's always one (sometimes more) who insists that the way they hit their children is absolutely fine and thinks that not having your kids taken into care is, by itself, a sign of fantastic and exemplary parenting.

You can't reason with these people. If they were capable of reason, they wouldn't hit their children. If they believed in self-reflection, betterment and not indulging their negative emotions for the momentary satisfaction, they wouldn't hit their children. I have sometimes tussled with them when I have the energy, but it's more to show them up to the audience than to try to change their minds. You can't reason with them. Reasonable people who make thoughtful and constructive parenting choices don't hit their kids.

They're always wrong and the good thing is, the vast majority of us know this, even while they flail about trying to defend the indefensible.

The thing is I find on mums net a lot of women seem to jump on everyone's responses

Someone hitting their children isn't a collective failing of womankind.

Ugh, why am I trying to reason with you...

OP, are you going to tell your parents why you have left?

It doesn't sound as if you consider this permanent - talking about 'headspace'.

Put together with your talking about using 'strategies' to manage his behaviour before it happens - and how your second child's birth healed the trauma from your first (which is quite a responsibility to attribute to a child) - and your telling him that 'the next time' you would be gone - I can't help feeling you're strongly invested in 'having made everything turn out all right'. It's OK - sometimes it's necessary - for things not to be all right, because that's how they can progress to permanent, durable change.

Good luck.

Well done @AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight - you leaving is the very best thing you can do for your boys and yourself.
If he can't control his temper with a 2 year old, imagine how he will be with a teenager.

I think it helps to imagine if your H walked up to a 2 yr old in a supermarket and smacked them, what would happen? He would be arrested - and rightly so. So why should it be any different with your children?

Like other pp I think your depression may lift considerably once you are away from this man.

Maybe speak to relate?

@JamieFrasersSassenach

Well done *@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight* - you leaving is the very best thing you can do for your boys and yourself. If he can't control his temper with a 2 year old, imagine how he will be with a teenager.

I think it helps to imagine if your H walked up to a 2 yr old in a supermarket and smacked them, what would happen? He would be arrested - and rightly so. So why should it be any different with your children?

Like other pp I think your depression may lift considerably once you are away from this man.

I don't think you mean me...

Why is it always the shitty men who want their wives to stay at home and not work? 🤔 its a puzzler all right.

@speakout oh yes clearly it has am very violent I walk around hitting people and always resorting to violence. I clearly have issues 😂 oh jesus still people who know nothing about anyone but seem to know it all. Ok well actaully am very far from violent and me and my kids have an extremely tight loving relationship am also very close to my parents so your hearing it from horses mouth when I say that the odd time my mum Smacked the back of my hand really didn't affect me, am not emotionally scarred, am not violent or aggressive and I don't have re occurring nightmares about the time my mum smacked the back of my hand 😂

[quote Jasminexx]@MacDuffsMuff am not angry with you I just didn't appreciate your sarcastic remarks. If you want to actually talk to me & want me me to clarify my views on something that's fine il happily have a conversation but if someone who does not know me approaches me in a certain manner then I have no time for it. The thing is I find on mums net a lot of women seem to jump on everyone's responses and start fighting with each other. I find it all a bit bizzare as we all don't know each other yet people drum up all kinds of conclusions and argue[/quote]
I didn't make any sarcastic remarks at all, I was disagreeing with you and I said why. I don't really know what manner you think I was approaching you with, but I'm afraid I think you have jumped to conclusions about me a bit to be honest. However, I do get that you can't read tone and it can be difficult to judge sometimes.

Feetup you should NEVER attend counselling with a person who doesn’t concede that their behaviour is wrong. Also you should never go to counselling with an abuser.

@MacDuffsMuff OK fair point. Miss communication maybe I did judge the tone wrong

Epic fail there @thedaybecomesnight - apologies!!

I meant to tag the OP - will rewrite with correct tag!

@JamieFrasersSassenach

Well done *@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight* - you leaving is the very best thing you can do for your boys and yourself. If he can't control his temper with a 2 year old, imagine how he will be with a teenager.

I think it helps to imagine if your H walked up to a 2 yr old in a supermarket and smacked them, what would happen? He would be arrested - and rightly so. So why should it be any different with your children?

Like other pp I think your depression may lift considerably once you are away from this man.

@samanthajonespr I should have tagged you in this

OP, just sending you and . You're doing great dealing with all this, and the right thing for your children. All the best.

He made himself some breakfast and a brew but didn't make anything for 5 y/o.

Jasminexx
oh yes clearly it has am very violent I walk around hitting people and always resorting to violence. I clearly have issues

I didn't say that.
You do however seem to accept that violence is sometimes an acceptable form of communication.
That is the point I am making.
That for you some degree of violence is " normal".
Many of us don't agree with that idea.
I suggest your acceptance of some degree of violent communication may have been formed by the fact you were smacked as a child.

We were both smacked as kids, we're in our 30's and it was normal then.

I'm 65 and me and my siblings (older) were never smacked.

This one a hard one to judge from the outside with only hearing one side of the story.

You both sound worn out and exhausted. I suspect he may feel a little resentful that despite telling him you are constantly exhausted you have added volunteer work and then studying on top of that.

A lot of people have picked up on the fact he didn't feed the child only himself. Unless I am reading it wrong the child was upstairs with mum having a story and cuddle. Why would you make food for a child that wasn't around to eat it? Not many breakfast options would sit around for 30 mins and still be edible?

@Keepingitreal14 yes you did get it wrong, toddler was upstairs with mum, the 5 year old didn't get breakfast whilst downstairs with his dad (presumably watching him eat)

I don't want to hear from anyone who thinks smacking is ok, I don't care how they feel or if they want to express their views, I don't care if they think they deserve respect from other posters - that's fucking rich bearing in mind they are excusing hitting a 2 year old. I think MN should take a stand against this (currently) legal form of assault and abuse regardless.

[quote DishingOutDone]@Keepingitreal14 yes you did get it wrong, toddler was upstairs with mum, the 5 year old didn't get breakfast whilst downstairs with his dad (presumably watching him eat)[/quote]
Sorry yes you are right. yeah that's just not on.

LTB, fast. He is physically abusing a 2 year old. Do you get that? Call the Police. Then leave.

The fact he smacks his children alone is a deal breaker I'm afraid!!