My sister has been in an abusive relationship with her partner for 16 years. He is a bully and has exercised coercive control over her for many years. Ie. he controls all their finances, her email, her passwords, what she buys, monitors her spending etc. She has no private life of her own, and with 2 of 3 youngish children with complex needs, she has really let him completely take over her life. She’s picked up the caring duties for their 3 DDs while he works in a reasonably lucrative business. All family assets of any value are in his sole ownership and he has all the ‘family’ money hidden away in investments which only he has access to and can control. She’s been barely keeping her head above water. While he also threatens to cheat on her, accuses her of being a bad mother, terrible partner etc etc.
After Xmas, she decided enough is enough. She was leaving him. This came as a relief to most of the wider family.
She then withdrew what little cash she could with the card he allows her to spend from, and moved a little extra money from their joint account to her personal account (which he then accessed and without authorisation put it into his account so she was effectively destitute). He also threatened to report the family car (again in his sole name) she was driving her 3 DDs around as stolen because she refused to return it.
She decided she then needed to collect her personal belongings from their house. He refused to let her into the house to move items out, but we eventually managed to get in. I’m then helping her pack and move out of the house, while he’s threatening to sue her etc etc.
He made claim to the kitchen table, I explained it was hers (it was gifted by my parents to her) and while trying to move this item out of the house he calls the police and screams at them I am assaulting him and he is being assaulted by me and he needs immediate police assistance - I never even touched him. In the live call to police he made out I was attacking him. Which he did no doubt to get me out of the house and to stop me supporting her with this move. Police come, see no injuries, and thankfully take the matter no further.
Months have passed, she’s now back with him, he’s seeing a councillor and apparently having all sorts of insights re his Daddy issues. Sister says apparently he felt so vulnerable and that’s why he did what he did, but he’s a changing person. I don’t buy this at all. The person I know him to be is cunning, shrewd, manipulative and without any redeeming qualities, counselling or not. He’s just doing this counselling thing to get their relationship back to where it was and so he can start controlling her again.
My profession and employment is dependent on me having a clean criminal record.
I have explained to my sister and the wider family I want nothing to do with him and will not attend any family events if he is in attendance.
AIBU?
Would there be any circumstances where you might make amends with such a person for the sake of the broader family, having regard to the risk I might be taking for my immediate family were he to pull a similar or another stunt like this?