BIL falsely accused me of criminal assault. AIBU to cut him off forever.

[Poolbridge]

My sister has been in an abusive relationship with her partner for 16 years. He is a bully and has exercised coercive control over her for many years. Ie. he controls all their finances, her email, her passwords, what she buys, monitors her spending etc. She has no private life of her own, and with 2 of 3 youngish children with complex needs, she has really let him completely take over her life. She’s picked up the caring duties for their 3 DDs while he works in a reasonably lucrative business. All family assets of any value are in his sole ownership and he has all the ‘family’ money hidden away in investments which only he has access to and can control. She’s been barely keeping her head above water. While he also threatens to cheat on her, accuses her of being a bad mother, terrible partner etc etc.
After Xmas, she decided enough is enough. She was leaving him. This came as a relief to most of the wider family.

She then withdrew what little cash she could with the card he allows her to spend from, and moved a little extra money from their joint account to her personal account (which he then accessed and without authorisation put it into his account so she was effectively destitute). He also threatened to report the family car (again in his sole name) she was driving her 3 DDs around as stolen because she refused to return it.
She decided she then needed to collect her personal belongings from their house. He refused to let her into the house to move items out, but we eventually managed to get in. I’m then helping her pack and move out of the house, while he’s threatening to sue her etc etc.
He made claim to the kitchen table, I explained it was hers (it was gifted by my parents to her) and while trying to move this item out of the house he calls the police and screams at them I am assaulting him and he is being assaulted by me and he needs immediate police assistance - I never even touched him. In the live call to police he made out I was attacking him. Which he did no doubt to get me out of the house and to stop me supporting her with this move. Police come, see no injuries, and thankfully take the matter no further.
Months have passed, she’s now back with him, he’s seeing a councillor and apparently having all sorts of insights re his Daddy issues. Sister says apparently he felt so vulnerable and that’s why he did what he did, but he’s a changing person. I don’t buy this at all. The person I know him to be is cunning, shrewd, manipulative and without any redeeming qualities, counselling or not. He’s just doing this counselling thing to get their relationship back to where it was and so he can start controlling her again.
My profession and employment is dependent on me having a clean criminal record.
I have explained to my sister and the wider family I want nothing to do with him and will not attend any family events if he is in attendance.
AIBU?
Would there be any circumstances where you might make amends with such a person for the sake of the broader family, having regard to the risk I might be taking for my immediate family were he to pull a similar or another stunt like this?

The current coercive control provisions in the jurisdiction we are in is currently weak. The government has acknowledged this and is presently undertaking a review of it, with a view to strengthening it, but my understanding is even when I got to police to tell them how he is excising coercive control, there is limited they can do at this time. But still, I will go to police anyway now to deal with both false allegation and coercive control. And see what they say.

Re social services, I will go and now report this. But I fear having regard to the nature of my complaint, excessive verbal and emotional abuse re authoritarian disciplining for every transgression - and occasional pinching of ears and tripping over - which he does so discretely as to be plausibly deniable - that it won’t get far, and then a major blow up for whole family. His physical abuse is so damn underhanded and sly. And re his emotional abuse towards their DD - I see it, and so have my parents and others, and my sister, but I fear in the spectrum or abuse before social services - he’ll probably get a parenting course and just be more sly and underhanded again next time he wants to do it. More at home and less in public. Which then requires my sister to step up. The situation is so so shit.

But frankly if I do decide to return to family events. (And I’m still reflecting here re what to do) and I witness this ever again, I will be intervening on the first witness of any emotional abuse. I can’t bear it any longer.

This is why I wonder if the school safe guarding officer would be be the best port of call first. Discuss it with them.

[quote RuledbyASD]@Chambored The body cam is pointless unless op wears a CCTV sign on her - otherwise it cannot be used as evidence, by law[/quote]
or she could wear a sign and if anyone comments explain exactly why!

I would not be risking my profession and livelihood I am afraid- your sister is in a terrible place but only she can decide to leave him and it seems she is not ready yet. You are not responsible for her actions, and cannot keep her safe from him or from herself.

Your first priority is not your sister, it is to yourself and your family, who will be badly impacted if you are charged/convicted or ability to work professionally is impaired. Will your sister be picking up those pieces or pay your mortgage/rent/living expenses? No, she won’t.

That said, I am not sure I would stay away from all family events- although I would never be in a room alone with him (or even just him and your sister, as there is every chance she would not stand by you). So I would not go to small family gatherings and under no circumstances would I stay alone with him, so I would need to be on my guard and that would spoil many occasions.

Not sure what I would do, but I would not give him the time of day again.

I personally would be making the relevant reports and then cutting off contact with your sister. That may be what it takes to make her realise what she's losing, just for his sake!

By the way, there's no point contacting police to complain about someone else wasting police time/false allegation. If the police had a problem with it, they would've prosecuted him at the time. Please don't waste more of their time by reporting someone else for wasting their time - focus on your sister.

She could get FREE legal advice (and an injunction) from the NCDV and Women's Aid could provide her with advice, along with a place in a Refuge if she needed it. Does she know all of this?

You aren’t being unreasonable, but I wouldn’t let him push me out of family events if I wanted to attend.