BIL falsely accused me of criminal assault. AIBU to cut him off forever.

[Poolbridge]

My sister has been in an abusive relationship with her partner for 16 years. He is a bully and has exercised coercive control over her for many years. Ie. he controls all their finances, her email, her passwords, what she buys, monitors her spending etc. She has no private life of her own, and with 2 of 3 youngish children with complex needs, she has really let him completely take over her life. She’s picked up the caring duties for their 3 DDs while he works in a reasonably lucrative business. All family assets of any value are in his sole ownership and he has all the ‘family’ money hidden away in investments which only he has access to and can control. She’s been barely keeping her head above water. While he also threatens to cheat on her, accuses her of being a bad mother, terrible partner etc etc.
After Xmas, she decided enough is enough. She was leaving him. This came as a relief to most of the wider family.

She then withdrew what little cash she could with the card he allows her to spend from, and moved a little extra money from their joint account to her personal account (which he then accessed and without authorisation put it into his account so she was effectively destitute). He also threatened to report the family car (again in his sole name) she was driving her 3 DDs around as stolen because she refused to return it.
She decided she then needed to collect her personal belongings from their house. He refused to let her into the house to move items out, but we eventually managed to get in. I’m then helping her pack and move out of the house, while he’s threatening to sue her etc etc.
He made claim to the kitchen table, I explained it was hers (it was gifted by my parents to her) and while trying to move this item out of the house he calls the police and screams at them I am assaulting him and he is being assaulted by me and he needs immediate police assistance - I never even touched him. In the live call to police he made out I was attacking him. Which he did no doubt to get me out of the house and to stop me supporting her with this move. Police come, see no injuries, and thankfully take the matter no further.
Months have passed, she’s now back with him, he’s seeing a councillor and apparently having all sorts of insights re his Daddy issues. Sister says apparently he felt so vulnerable and that’s why he did what he did, but he’s a changing person. I don’t buy this at all. The person I know him to be is cunning, shrewd, manipulative and without any redeeming qualities, counselling or not. He’s just doing this counselling thing to get their relationship back to where it was and so he can start controlling her again.
My profession and employment is dependent on me having a clean criminal record.
I have explained to my sister and the wider family I want nothing to do with him and will not attend any family events if he is in attendance.
AIBU?
Would there be any circumstances where you might make amends with such a person for the sake of the broader family, having regard to the risk I might be taking for my immediate family were he to pull a similar or another stunt like this?

Don't stop going to family events, as others have said this is exactly what he wants, he wins if you do this. Your sister will need you when she finally gets the courage to leave him. Until then just ignore him, and don't be anywhere alone with him without witnesses.

@Norwester

I have only spoken to him once in a brief phone call after the incident, and that was when I got wind he was making overtures to her to win her back, and I told him that I would be watching him every single day, every week, every month and every year after this, and looking out for my sister. And that everything that he did here on, I would know and my sister would have my support. And no way in hell was he ever capable of making my sister happy, and I would be looking out for her happiness.

So yes, he’s been put on notice.

@Cyw2018

Yes, this. This is exactly my problem.

Has someone else said you've not to go to the family events or is it just because of your understanable worry of his awful behaviour? I absolutely think you should keep going and avoid being alone with him or him and her.
What does she say about his calling the police and the potential devastation that it could have caused to your life?

You’re just playing into his hand.
Suck it up and be nice as pie. He won’t know what to do.
Because then you can’t be accused of anything...
He could easily use you against her, ie. I’m only treating you (disis) like this because your family treats us like XYZ etc
It’ll be them against you, and he’s got so much control he will manage to achieve that.

I definitely wouldn't stop going to family events. This is just what he wants.

I wouldn't go to their house if he's there. I wouldn't see him with your sister in a small group, eg two households. I would go to larger events and would keep away from him. I think if he came up to me I'd have my phone on Record and wouldn't care who knew it.

I would still go to family events, I might wear a body camera though. Avoid being alone with him.

Cut them both off, definitely. If she wants to enable his behaviour, let her. It's not your problem and she's not worth the aggravation she causes you. It's true that this is exactly what he wants - he wants you to cut her off, to isolate her more and therefore exercise greater control over her. But that's her choice, she is happy to go along with it.

It usually takes abused women many, many attempts before they leave. This is, of course, incredibly hard on the people around them who then have to make all sorts of judgement calls for their own mental health and sometimes safety. I'm really sorry you and your sister are in this situation OP.

The first thing I would do is take control of the false accusation worry. I have a friend in the police and they have a system to confidentially disclose difficult situations with family members in case it comes back to bite them in the bum at a later time. Does your profession have anything like this? If not, speak to HR about having a confidential conversation so that if he does pull this accusation out of the hat at some point, there is a record. In other words, get in first. That will reduce one of your worries.

The family events - I think it's incredibly unlikely she'll 'get' to attend family events in the future as you all supported her when she tried to leave. I think he'll now focus on isolating her from that support network, Covid of course is helpful to him right now. I don't think it's something you have to worry about, sadly. But if I'm wrong, always go with someone else, never be in a room alone with him, make sure all the family know not to leave you, etc etc. To be honest he'll attend one event like this, rage at the lack of control he now has, then never attend another one. I'd put my house on it.

Ofc you need to keep other lines of communication open with your sister, but that will become progressively harder as he reels her back in. All you can do is your best

@MichelleScarn

No one else has said I shouldn’t / can’t go, but I despise him and worry about what further harm he might cause me, and by default my immediate family. The phrase ‘if you lie with dogs, you will get up with fleas’ comes to mind. Thankfully the police didn’t believe his false accusations, but what if they had had more time on their hands that day and pursued his allegation? How much stress, time and expense might have been incurred if they had laid charges against me on the basis of his live screaming on a phone call to them that I was assaulting him?

For the moment, my sister has minimised his actions. She says, well the police didn’t pursue this and so your profession / employment hasn’t been impacted. And he was just so vulnerable at the time and didn’t think about what he was doing.

I'd go to family events but I wouldn't be alone with him and your sister

YANBU

You do not need to interact with him in anyway but you absolutely cannot see your sister or nieces less. That's what he wants. He will gain even more control.

I'd also be worried that he will do the same and effectively cut your sister off from her family.

Do not let this happen.

I would never make amends with him, no, but I would not avoid family events, I would go and act like he doesn’t exist - at these events I would not look at him, acknowledge him or speak to him. Total grey rock.

Got to be honest I’d have a pretty hard time being civil to your sister too. It’s been 16 years, how many more years and how bad does it have to get for you in a supporting role before you say nope, I’m done.

People talk about “when she’s ready to leave” but the fact is she’s chosen him again ask again over 16 years, chosen her own feelings over and above everyone, including her own children.

I’m sure she (or you) will protest that they’re oblivious, they’re happy, they’re not affected, they don’t know or understand, but they do and they they will, and I would be telling my sister that she’s made her choice, her children have no choice and now my concern is entirely for them and their welfare.

I can see why you want nothing to do with him, but I think you are wrong to stop going to family events. You should be safe from false allegations with numerous witnesses. Just be very careful to avoid being alone with him. The only way you can continue to be there for your sister is if you still see her, and maintain a relationship with her and her DC. Don't let him drive a wedge between you, and cut her off from your support.

I'm going to be harsh.
Your sister is so enmeshed with him, you cant save her from him. She will leave him when she is ready. She's nowhere near ready yet, she might never be. As long as he can see you are still sending her links and resources, he will be gunning for you.

If she decides to leave she needs support from Womens Aid, because its not just about walking out the house, its about getting support and counselling so she doesnt feel the need to go back.

He's effectively destroyed her and now he's coming after you, because you dared to stand up to him. Don't lose you career over this. No one else is going to volunteer to pay your mortgage. Put your own life first and keep a big distance between you and him.

This reminds me of my aunt , my mother did all she could to help her to leave , clandestine phonecalls from phone boxes , arrangements to get housing for her and her kids and when all that was in place she changed her mind and stayed with her abusive husband who controlled everything. She even had more kids with him, down the line she left him and went to live with someone she was secretly seeing but it was years later, he still continued to try to control her sent her disgusting letters and tried to use her name to run up debt . I'm glad she got out of that situation. I just wish she had done it years before because bit really damaged her. The moral of the story is no matter what you do continue to talk to her but she won't leave until she feels strong enough

I know this sounds a bit silly but can you wear a full body cam set up whenever you're with him, and continually let it be known that this is because he made ridiculous and false allegations against you
Very difficult if someone will stop at nothing:(
also very difficult to understand what your sister has done but he is an expert at controlling her

@Thelnebriati

I agree with you here. I am the only one in the wider family who has stood up to him, and I agree he did and will still be gunning for me, because he knows or assumes I am providing resources to her. I have no doubt that he made the false allegation Against me that day to cut her off from the one sole strong support who isn’t intimidated by him or his threats and sees right through him.

@purplecorkheart

I would still go to family events, I might wear a body camera though. Avoid being alone with him.

This is a great suggestion.

It's tricky if you are the only person who will stand up to him, his strategy relies on people being intimidated by him, if other people would stand with you and if they were prepared to expose him every time he did something wrong he would have nowhere to hide

You must must still go to family events - they are YOUR family!! Otherwise you end up pushed out and he has even more control. If you avoid events with your own family because of him you might as well hold up the surrender flag now. You need to be stronger and smarter and one step ahead of this conniving bastard.

Also I believe coercive control is now a criminal offence, so he is already on wafer thin ice. I would start compiling evidence of his behaviour just in case you or your sister need it in the future.

People talk about “when she’s ready to leave” but the fact is she’s chosen him again ask again over 16 years, chosen her own feelings over and above everyone, including her own children

I agree. As horrific as this situation is, she hasn't left in 16 years so its likely she wont leave in the next 16 either. She did once but went back and now she's making excuses for him- even though he has threatened you.

As much as we love our families, you CANNOT take responsibility for their choices and their lives. It is up to her to make that decision and this doesnt just apply to abusive relationships but every aspect in life. People always overestimate what families can do in these scenarios but ultimately, until SHE decides to leave for good nothing will change and this has to be internally motivated from inside her, not externally motivated by others around her.

Your first priority is to yourself and to protect yourself and your family. You will be no good to your sister if your job/family comes crumbling down around you due to his false accusations. Protect yourself first and I'd cut all contact with him whilst letting my sis know I will always be there for her once/if she decides to leave.

You are NOT under any obligation to set yourself on fire just to keep others warm. Thats not love.

Sister and BIL have regularly conflicted in front of the wider family at numerous family gatherings and and he has openly spoken disgustingly about her, but no-one else in the family wants to get involved or any stress in dealing with him. So no one else will expose him or stand up to him. But we all know he treats her in a disgusting way. So it’s less about other family members being intimidated; more a case they don’t want the hassle or stress of having to engage with him.