BIL falsely accused me of criminal assault. AIBU to cut him off forever.

[Poolbridge]

My sister has been in an abusive relationship with her partner for 16 years. He is a bully and has exercised coercive control over her for many years. Ie. he controls all their finances, her email, her passwords, what she buys, monitors her spending etc. She has no private life of her own, and with 2 of 3 youngish children with complex needs, she has really let him completely take over her life. She’s picked up the caring duties for their 3 DDs while he works in a reasonably lucrative business. All family assets of any value are in his sole ownership and he has all the ‘family’ money hidden away in investments which only he has access to and can control. She’s been barely keeping her head above water. While he also threatens to cheat on her, accuses her of being a bad mother, terrible partner etc etc.
After Xmas, she decided enough is enough. She was leaving him. This came as a relief to most of the wider family.

She then withdrew what little cash she could with the card he allows her to spend from, and moved a little extra money from their joint account to her personal account (which he then accessed and without authorisation put it into his account so she was effectively destitute). He also threatened to report the family car (again in his sole name) she was driving her 3 DDs around as stolen because she refused to return it.
She decided she then needed to collect her personal belongings from their house. He refused to let her into the house to move items out, but we eventually managed to get in. I’m then helping her pack and move out of the house, while he’s threatening to sue her etc etc.
He made claim to the kitchen table, I explained it was hers (it was gifted by my parents to her) and while trying to move this item out of the house he calls the police and screams at them I am assaulting him and he is being assaulted by me and he needs immediate police assistance - I never even touched him. In the live call to police he made out I was attacking him. Which he did no doubt to get me out of the house and to stop me supporting her with this move. Police come, see no injuries, and thankfully take the matter no further.
Months have passed, she’s now back with him, he’s seeing a councillor and apparently having all sorts of insights re his Daddy issues. Sister says apparently he felt so vulnerable and that’s why he did what he did, but he’s a changing person. I don’t buy this at all. The person I know him to be is cunning, shrewd, manipulative and without any redeeming qualities, counselling or not. He’s just doing this counselling thing to get their relationship back to where it was and so he can start controlling her again.
My profession and employment is dependent on me having a clean criminal record.
I have explained to my sister and the wider family I want nothing to do with him and will not attend any family events if he is in attendance.
AIBU?
Would there be any circumstances where you might make amends with such a person for the sake of the broader family, having regard to the risk I might be taking for my immediate family were he to pull a similar or another stunt like this?

How awful that no one else will stand up to the bully who is abusing your sister maybe this is part of the reason she finds it so hard to leave him ....most of the people who ought to have her back treat her as if she's not worth fighting for?
it's not only him that is gaslighting her everyone else is acting as if what he is doing is fine this is a kind of collective gaslighting is it not?
I know these things are always complex and abusers are experts at skirting the line of plausible deniability, knowing exactly what they can get away with.
Keep a detailed log of everything, write everything down as it happened, memory is highly fallible and subjective, this is the only way to get the true picture over time.

I would get advice on the false allegation. Speak to your manager - see if there is a way to flag up the wider domestic issue in your family and that your BIL called the policy to falsely accuse you to get revenge on your sister for leaving him. If so it's worth getting a note on file in case he makes an allegation to them.

You not going to family events is what BIL wants - to isolate your Dsis further. However, as others have said, you can't risk your livelihood. If any family members pressure you to go - will they pay your mortgage, utility bills and feed and clothe your family?

Will your family support you if you don't go to events and have meet ups with your family without your Dsis and BIL?

If you continue going to events I would record them so you have evidence you didn't do anything to him. Do you have a partner or relative you can trust to stay with you at all times as a witness?

As others have said it usually takes abused women multiple attempts to leave for good.

I would be absolutely more upset at your sister here for witnessing such an incident and then having the audacity to minimize it. She is taking zero accountability for the choices she is making. How is that ok to her children who she is equally responsible for?
Your sister is enabled by the fact that everyone is tip toeing around her trying to support her.
She has put your family through this for 16 years and will continue to do so.
I would take a step back from her.

All I suggest you do is that if in future a safe place is needed for your sister, you know how it can be found and help if required.

Let her know that you will be there if she leaves for good but she needs to be accountable for her choices.

@Worried830410

I absolutely have concerns for the impact he is having on his DDs and all that they have witnessed re his treatment towards her, as well as towards his eldest DD. It’s horrific and I don’t understand how the need to protect them from him hasn’t kicked in a response which is to leave him forever

What are the rest of the family doing about him? Just standing back and refusing to get involved is what it sounds like to me. It would be better if you decided as a family that HE was no longer welcome, and your sister must come on her own to family events. That would give the message to the fucking bully loud and clear that you are acting as one, and his behaviour is completely unacceptable. They can then have one to one time with your sister (minus the events) to support her directly.

If they are not willing to do that, then I would go to the family events and ignore him completely. Talk to your sister and stone wall him. I would never drink at the events, and would be mindful if where I stood. By not going you are letting him know he has won. If conflict breaks out at the family events, stay silent and let someone else step in, they will eventually.

I would also tell my sister I am always there for her, that I was proud of her efforts to leave even if she ended up back there. At some point you are going to have to emotionally disengage. You can not rescue her. In the end she will do it, or she won't. I know it is heartbreaking, but to help the most, you need to distance a little.

I would get legal advice as to the validity of his claims, to cover myself. I would ensure I had witness statements from those present just in case, in writing. I would also log and record everything has happened to date, should you need it.

Your life needs to come first, I would never compromise my career or life especially in such a futile situation. You will be a better to support to your sister from a position of strength. Do not engage with him under any circumstances.

Op, then your sister is just as much as responsible for the damage caused to her children. We experienced this with my own dsis. She stayed with someone for 12 years who was absolutely awful to the family. Did similar such stuff as your bil. We supported her until enough was enough and she had to face up to what she was choosing to put up with. Just like you, my dsis was enabled to stay with him because we all tip toed around her for fear for her. But we were just enabling her really. Until one awful incident, and we all just took a big step back.
After feeling the effects of the family not willing to entertain this anymore, she left him for good. Not saying this is the way to go but your dsis is just as much at fault for what she is doing to her children.

No-one else in the family wants to get involved or any stress in dealing with him

Granted this is your DS's decision to make, but that's not very supportive of her is it?

I was going to suggest still seeing her at family events (while obviously giving him a wide berth), but supposing he targeted you there too - would the rest speak up for you if it came to it?

Otherwise the obvious option is to see DS at your place without him. He may try to stop her going, but there's only so much you can do, and while being clear that you'll always be there for her I certainly wouldn't risk any more because of her choices

Granted this is your DS's decision to make, but that's not very supportive of her is it? 

Probably because when people do get involved and the police are involved, she turns around and goes back to him.

I wouldn't stay away from any events, that's what he wants. I'm being deadly serious here - I would invest in a small body-worn camera and wear it visibly on my front at all gatherings. When questioned by anyone, just announce in a loud and matter of fact way that you will be wearing a camera when in the presence of BiL at all times from here on in, due to his past history of false accusations to the policy re: physical assault when you were helping your sister escape from his abuse. Make no attempt to avoid embarrassment or awkwardness, just repeatedly and calmly (as needed) make sure everyone knows what he did and that you are protecting yourself from him. Deflect the embarrassment onto him.

And yes, you need to make it clear to your sister that her children are suffering from her inability to leave her abuser and that while you will always support her, as and when the time comes (which it will) you will provide the support to your nieces that she as their mother hasn't been able to give them. She is a victim but at the same time she needs it spelling out to her, the real implications of her not getting her children out of that situation.

I wouldnt cut him out as that’s probably what he wants to control your sister. Just pretend everything is ok, so your sister can turn to you when she wants to leave again. It takes people in abusive relationships on average 7 attempts before they leave for good.

Probably because when people do get involved and the police are involved, she turns around and goes back to him

I admit I did wonder the same - after all we don't know how often DS has already said she wants to leave, if at all - but it still seems a bit toxic to allow this to spread to other family members
I was hoping the rest would at least speak up for OP if it came to it, but maybe they've just had enough

Come to think of it, Poolbridge, are other family members still trying to support your DS, or have they stepped back now?

Go to family events don’t let that prick keep you away
Don’t let yourself be on your own with him at all
Get a mini camera - you can get ones that look like pens and put in a pocket and the clarity is really good you just push it to record

I would also recommend getting some form of CCTV / Ring doorbell at your home in case he turns up at any point

[quote Poolbridge]@Worried830410

I absolutely have concerns for the impact he is having on his DDs and all that they have witnessed re his treatment towards her, as well as towards his eldest DD. It’s horrific and I don’t understand how the need to protect them from him hasn’t kicked in a response which is to leave him forever[/quote]
How old is the DD and what is he doing to her? Will other family help to step in to support her if her dm feels unable to?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Other family members have been providing emotional support to her behind the scenes, but after the most recent incident, and her returning back to him, they are weary of it. They are getting to the point of they can’t deal with this anymore. They are sick of hearing about him, and all the stress and drama between them. Like me, they can’t believe after finally making the decision to leave, she has now returned back to him. They are getting to the point of we don’t want to hear about it, and get wrapped up in her dramas and complaints if she is only going to stay with him.

Think at this point you need to prioritise yourself. You really went above and beyond for your sister and potentially risked your professional standing over false allegations, while she has seemingly done nothing to support you back. She has to take some responsibility too for the fallout and repercussions she caused by going back to this man. I'd remain NC with him, it is up to your sister to maintain contact with you under the circumstances. So, what if he has apparently won. She needs to make the decision to leave and stick to it before anyone can support her next time.

You can have a relationship with your sister without seeing him.

Just meet with her at your parents or away from her home and don't attend functions he'll be at or attend.

I wouldn't risk my career for a twat like that, he will know now that this is your stand point if you've had that conversation with your sister and he can use a-that against you at any point.

She's made her bed. I'm afraid she's going to lie in it whatever you say so the best you can do is be there for her and her kids but protect yourself by staying away from their home and him.

@MichelleScarn

Eldest DD is 8. He is very authoritarian with her, constantly berating her for unusually lengthy periods of time for every tiny and minor transgression. The child can’t do anything without him dressing her down. It’s embarrassing to my sister - he does this everywhere and anywhere and without shame. And he goes on and on and on. It appears to me he’s giving the child anxiety and my sister sees this and so occasionally tries to protect her DD from this, but this is a major source of conflict as he tells sister she isn’t supporting his ‘parenting’. Which she doesn’t.
I have observed BIL when he thinks he can’t be seen, pinching at her ears and tripping her over. And my sister knows he does this and has seen it too. He’s a nasty piece of work.
And neice looks up to her Dad and is now starting to mimic many of his worst behaviours re his aggressiveness towards others, rudeness, a ‘her-first’ always mentality and lack of consideration towards others.

Please speak to the safe guarding office at your DN school. You can also report to SS it's emotional abuse.

It's a horrific situation to witness and you must feel so helpless

In light of your latest post, my sympathy for your sister is rapidly waning. One thing for her to remain in an abusive and toxic marriage but the moment the abuse extends to the DC, it is down to her to protect them from this. That is shameful of her to fail them like this!

I'd probably report to social services/child protective services- but i'd be aware that would add fuel to the flames.

I couldn't see my nieces being treated like this.

@DioneTheDiabolist

OP, you are doing exactly what he wants. If it were me, I would go but turn the phone camera on every time was around.

I think this is a great idea. He'd be so pissed off if you go to everything but record him to his face every time he comes near you or your family - if questioned? He called the police and made falsified claims about you assaulting him so you've been advised by your lawyer to have physical evidence in case he tries it again.

I'd also speak to the Police about that falsified claim. They don't like time wasters and might speak to him about this, which I doubt he'd enjoy.

There's always SS too, if you're really worried. Emotional and financial abuse are included in domestic violence now. They may take a grim view of her repeatedly returning to him, though.

@Krampusnolongerbabysits

In light of your latest post, my sympathy for your sister is rapidly waning. One thing for her to remain in an abusive and toxic marriage but the moment the abuse extends to the DC, it is down to her to protect them from this. That is shameful of her to fail them like this!

Can't disagree with this, sorry.