BIL falsely accused me of criminal assault. AIBU to cut him off forever.

[Poolbridge]

My sister has been in an abusive relationship with her partner for 16 years. He is a bully and has exercised coercive control over her for many years. Ie. he controls all their finances, her email, her passwords, what she buys, monitors her spending etc. She has no private life of her own, and with 2 of 3 youngish children with complex needs, she has really let him completely take over her life. She’s picked up the caring duties for their 3 DDs while he works in a reasonably lucrative business. All family assets of any value are in his sole ownership and he has all the ‘family’ money hidden away in investments which only he has access to and can control. She’s been barely keeping her head above water. While he also threatens to cheat on her, accuses her of being a bad mother, terrible partner etc etc.
After Xmas, she decided enough is enough. She was leaving him. This came as a relief to most of the wider family.

She then withdrew what little cash she could with the card he allows her to spend from, and moved a little extra money from their joint account to her personal account (which he then accessed and without authorisation put it into his account so she was effectively destitute). He also threatened to report the family car (again in his sole name) she was driving her 3 DDs around as stolen because she refused to return it.
She decided she then needed to collect her personal belongings from their house. He refused to let her into the house to move items out, but we eventually managed to get in. I’m then helping her pack and move out of the house, while he’s threatening to sue her etc etc.
He made claim to the kitchen table, I explained it was hers (it was gifted by my parents to her) and while trying to move this item out of the house he calls the police and screams at them I am assaulting him and he is being assaulted by me and he needs immediate police assistance - I never even touched him. In the live call to police he made out I was attacking him. Which he did no doubt to get me out of the house and to stop me supporting her with this move. Police come, see no injuries, and thankfully take the matter no further.
Months have passed, she’s now back with him, he’s seeing a councillor and apparently having all sorts of insights re his Daddy issues. Sister says apparently he felt so vulnerable and that’s why he did what he did, but he’s a changing person. I don’t buy this at all. The person I know him to be is cunning, shrewd, manipulative and without any redeeming qualities, counselling or not. He’s just doing this counselling thing to get their relationship back to where it was and so he can start controlling her again.
My profession and employment is dependent on me having a clean criminal record.
I have explained to my sister and the wider family I want nothing to do with him and will not attend any family events if he is in attendance.
AIBU?
Would there be any circumstances where you might make amends with such a person for the sake of the broader family, having regard to the risk I might be taking for my immediate family were he to pull a similar or another stunt like this?

@Poolbridge that sounds awful for you to see and hear, has your dsis ever said she can recognise how harmful this is already for your niece?

I would still go to family events, otherwise he has won, and you lose out on relationships with others

Speak to your sister and nieces, ignore him

Op your sister is just as nasty piece of work as him. Your update is horrifying! He is pinching, tripping and verbally abusing this poor little girl and you shameful sister knows this and is still with him?? The children need to be reported to SS here. How can everyone know what's going on and protect your coward of a sister. She had 16 years of sympathy from the family but what about those poor children??
You are the adults here, you need to protect those kids. Your sister can play the victim here but the real victims are the kids. Shame on her.

OP,
Your sister is being abused emotionally and financially.
Coercive control is a crime.
The police should be approached.

He is emotionally abusing his child.
Social services should be contacted.

He falsely accused you.
I would be insisting that this investigated.
Get your boss and employer involved.

I cannot believe you haven't gone to the police about this.

She has no access to money of whichbshe is entitled to 50%...

Get the police involved.
Get social services involved regarding your niece.
Your sister is allowing her child be abused by him.

Do not stay away from events.
Go but blank him.

@RandomMess

Please speak to the safe guarding office at your DN school. You can also report to SS it's emotional abuse.

It's a horrific situation to witness and you must feel so helpless

I agree with this. This is a child protection issue.

This is also one of the saddest things I've read on here. You must feel so powerless, OP.

@MichelleScarn

Yes, she knows how harmful it for her eldest DD. More recently - the last year or so - she now more often intervenes when she sees BIL engaging with DD in these harmful ways, and also because they are getting other specialist support with DDs other challenging behaviour, and those specialists have made clear that BILs ‘parenting style’ is completely inappropriate having regard to her other complex needs.

But I fear she failed to protect DD in her first 0-4 years (I wasn’t living near her at that time to see first hand, but I have later heard from sister what he did) because sister wouldn’t stand up to him or take her DD out of his care.

[quote Poolbridge]@MichelleScarn

Eldest DD is 8. He is very authoritarian with her, constantly berating her for unusually lengthy periods of time for every tiny and minor transgression. The child can’t do anything without him dressing her down. It’s embarrassing to my sister - he does this everywhere and anywhere and without shame. And he goes on and on and on. It appears to me he’s giving the child anxiety and my sister sees this and so occasionally tries to protect her DD from this, but this is a major source of conflict as he tells sister she isn’t supporting his ‘parenting’. Which she doesn’t.
I have observed BIL when he thinks he can’t be seen, pinching at her ears and tripping her over. And my sister knows he does this and has seen it too. He’s a nasty piece of work.
And neice looks up to her Dad and is now starting to mimic many of his worst behaviours re his aggressiveness towards others, rudeness, a ‘her-first’ always mentality and lack of consideration towards others.[/quote]
This needs reporting to your niece's school as a safeguarding concern and to SS.

He's an awful abusive father. Your niece is at risk of ending up like her father or in a relationship with an abuser like her father.

I wonder if you can get more members of your family to also refuse him access to family events. What he can do to you, he can do to them. I think it would be a strong message, but would be important that everyone supports your sister and enables her to come without him, picking her up, and paying for her and the kids etc. Feel sorry for you, hope she sees sense soon xxx

I am with the other poster who said that the sympathy for your sister is wearing now you have said about the way he treats the children. She has a moral duty to protect them from his abuse because that's what it is.

You've already said the other members of the family are backing off because your sister went back. I absolutely get its not easy to leave but she can and needs too now! Who cares if everything is in his name, financial disclosure is not a thing to be messed with in court. There are agencies who can help her leave.

He will not ever change..... Sooner your sister realises that and kicks him to the kerb the better. And I'd be raising child welfare concerns with school etc.

I'd let my sister know I loved her and was there for her, and then I'd cut him off. It might not be the objectively best option but I don't think I'd be capable of doing anything else.

@Worried830410

Yes, the pinching and tripping doesn’t happen often but we have been out on walks, and on too many occasions for it to be an accident, I’m like, to another family member - did you see that? He does it so quickly and discretely, you can almost imagine it was an accident and not intentional. But it has happened too many times now, and there has been enough times when my niece has complained to my sister that he’s done this, so we know he is doing it.

@billy1966

The police were involved when he made the false allegations against me. They attended at the house when I was helping her move, didn’t believe him, and didn’t take it further. But regarding him making a false allegation, I didn’t pursue this. I will talk to them this week about it, as frankly I’m sick of the fact that this is another thing BIL has got away with.

Re child protection concerns yes, I agree. I do think it’s reached a point where social services needs to be involved. It’s both emotional abuse with occasional physical abuse.

Other family members have been providing emotional support to her behind the scenes, but after the most recent incident, and her returning back to him, they are weary of it

Hard to blame them in a way; sympathy only goes so far and after that there's little folk can do if someone's determined to make silly decisions

I assume the family have already suggested counselling, Womens' Aid and things like the Freedom Programme ... ?

Oh, and I'd let her know I knew about him abusing their daughter and would report it to the school.

Your poor sister and poor you. It’s hard to leave an abuser and it’s also hard to watch someone you love suffer and keep going back to their abuser. I hope she breaks free one day. When she does she needs to make sure she has things like prescription medication, passports, payslips, deeds/tenancy agreements, bank statements, NI number, benefits letters and a change of clothes. Kitchen tables etc really don’t matter let him have the lot including the sodding car- take the kids and get out.

By all means avoid that bastard like the plague but I hope you keep the the lines of communication between you and your sister open even if it’s just a little text asking how’s things going.

Apologies, Poolbridge, I'm another who posted before seeing your latest updates about the children, and I agree with others that the time's come to involve safeguarding, either through the school, SS or both

It'll almost certainly damage your relationship with DS, at least until she comes to her senses, but while accepting abuse for herself is one thing it's quite another if it's spread to the children

Good for you.
But talk to the police about Coercive control.
Tell them that she is prevented from having access to money.

Give thevpolice the full picture.
Tell them how nasty he is to his daughter.

I would only go to events where there are multiple people there. Yes, yes, poor Dsis and her support and whatnot but you need to protect yourself and your livelihood first and foremost. No meeting her at all in a private place or anywhere where there are not multiple people. You need to look after no. 1 here.

she now more often intervenes when she sees BIL engaging with DD in these harmful ways,
I am so sorry to say this, but how can she not intervene EVERY time he is physically or verbally abusive to her child? And the family all know he is doing this and that she is doing nothing?!

@Newfor2021

Don’t let him push you out, this is exactly what he wants! I’d make damn sure I attended every event he went to, I’d make a bigger fuss of sis and children and totally stonewall him. Don’t speak to him, don’t go near him but let it be known your still there for sis, as she needs to leave him once and for all. Can she not get any legal advice or help?

Totally agree with this, never be left alone with him, always have witnesses (other than your sister) but don't let him isolate you from her

You've witnessed him abusing his DD, and not said anything? It really sounds like time to call social services. This creature thinks that because no-one in your family will stand up to him, that he can abuse women and children at will...he isn't the first to think like this but he is WRONG. Please speak to social services- even if your sister won't protect her own kids, someone has to.

What is effing wrong with your sister??!! What sort of parent sees someone hurting their child and does nothing about it, or "sometimes" stands up to him

I started reading your posts feeling sorry for your sister but now I am just so angry that your entire family is letting that piece of shit abuse the kids, and no one has notified social services! I know you love your sister OP and you want thelpo her, but at this point it's a lost cause, and it will continue to be so until she actually decides she wants to be saved. In the meantime you should be focusing on the kids and how to save them from their toxic parents, cause currently your sister is a toxic parent too. Just think what sort of things he might do to the kids behind closed doors if he isn't concerned about abusing them in public!!!

@billy1966

OP, Your sister is being abused emotionally and financially. Coercive control is a crime. The police should be approached.

He is emotionally abusing his child.
Social services should be contacted.

He falsely accused you.
I would be insisting that this investigated.
Get your boss and employer involved.

I cannot believe you haven't gone to the police about this.

She has no access to money of whichbshe is entitled to 50%...

Get the police involved.
Get social services involved regarding your niece.
Your sister is allowing her child be abused by him.

Do not stay away from events.
Go but blank him.

Everything @billy1966 writes is spot on. Police, school, SS, and report everything. A record of BIL behaviour needs to be made, as a baseline for when he kicks off again.

I hate becoming over invested in threads, but I'm so worried about this little girl who no one seems to be that worried about, despite having a father who is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, family including her own mother know and and are doing nothing. The school is off so where is she being protected?

@purplecorkheart

I would still go to family events, I might wear a body camera though. Avoid being alone with him.

Camera footage cannot be used as evidence unless you either pre-warn them they're being filmed or wear a 'CCTV in Operation' sign, sadly!

@Chambored The body cam is pointless unless op wears a CCTV sign on her - otherwise it cannot be used as evidence, by law