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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I making a mistake not having children?

116 replies

Eng2345 · 10/02/2021 21:14

I can see there are a few posts recently discussing children vs childfree so I’m sorry for starting another one, but this question keeps going round in my head!
I’m mid 30s and have never imagined having children but in the last two or three years have felt increased social pressure I guess. People have always said to me you ll change your mind but it now seems more serious, maybe in my head because I know at some point the time to change my mind will run out!

I like children, people say I’m good with children, but I don’t know how to explain it I’ve just never seen myself having a child. When people say try and imagine your future , I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it. I just can’t explain it. But then when so many people question it I start to doubt myself that I will regret it because so many people say I will!

I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious, I don’t know I just can’t imagine it. I’d like to teach children things (but I’m not a teacher!) and be a support for them to come to but I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum. But I’m petrified I ll regret it like everyone tells me I will!? Surely I’m not the only one who likes children but decides not to have their own?! Why is there so much pressure on women and not men lol!?

OP posts:
KatyClaire · 10/02/2021 21:24

Societal pressure is definitely not a good reason to have a child! It has to be something you want yourself. I know that’s easy to say because societal pressure is huge, but it doesn’t mean it would be the right thing for you.

Having my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I knew very strongly that I wanted kids. The responsibility, anxiety and workload are all huge and life-changing. It only makes sense to take them on to fulfil your own dreams, not someone else’s expectations.

Boxerdogmum · 10/02/2021 21:26

I’ve just never seen myself having a child.
I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious
I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it
I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum.

No idea if picking out and summarising your reasons about not wanting to become a mum helps. I have 2 friends who decided not to have children as a conscious decision and they are very happy with their lot.

Moomin12345 · 10/02/2021 21:26

No, having children is a way bigger mistake.

Catchingfire123 · 10/02/2021 21:27

Plenty of people have said they regret having their children and felt pressured into it. I think that’s far worse

XelaM · 10/02/2021 21:29

It's the best thing I have ever done and I'm definitely not a naturally mumsy person and generally don't like other people's kids, but my daughter is absolutely awesome and my best buddy

Oysterbabe · 10/02/2021 21:29

How does your husband feel about children?

16purplecolour16 · 10/02/2021 21:31

Like the quote ‘having children is like having a tattoo on your face. You have got to be really committed.’

WatchWatch · 10/02/2021 21:31

No.

JorisBonson · 10/02/2021 21:34

@16purplecolour16

Like the quote ‘having children is like having a tattoo on your face. You have got to be really committed.’
Perfect quote!

If you're not 100%, then don't. I am 36, childfree by choice, and have heard every "you'll change your mind" under the sun. I still haven't, and I've been saying I don't want kids since I was 13. I have never regretted my decision for a second.

Societal pressures are absolutely not a reason to have children.

N4ish · 10/02/2021 21:37

I would say don’t have them unless you really, really want them and can’t imagine a future without them. It’s an incredibly hard journey and I don’t think it should be started with any ambivalence.

ViciousJackdaw · 10/02/2021 21:37

@Oysterbabe

How does your husband feel about children?
Do we know the OP has a husband? Apologies if I've missed it.
N4ish · 10/02/2021 21:38

Cross post with @JorisBonson! Don’t do it if you’re not 100% sure about it.

jerometheturnipking · 10/02/2021 21:40

Don’t have them if you don’t want them. Life is so much easier without.

If you have them, sure you'll love them. Yeah it can be fun. But life will still be harder and if you do regret it you can’t put them back.

CherryPieface · 10/02/2021 21:41

I’m 49, always knew I didn’t want children. It wasn’t a decision I had to make, just a gut feeling and no regrets whatsoever. Be true to yourself OP, good luck xxx

MavisDracula1 · 10/02/2021 21:43

I don't think there is societal pressure to have children...or, there is as much societal pressure NOT to have them as there is to have them!

So, do what you want. You will get criticised by someone either way most likely Grin

1Morewineplease · 10/02/2021 21:43

I hated babies and children. I loathed when a colleague left to have a baby then came to work clutching the vile beast and expected us all to say ' can I have a cuddle'
Needless to say I never did. I never , ever felt ' mumsy'
Then I got pregnant with my husband. It was a shock as I have PCOS and other issues which seemed to preclude me as being a mum , and my husband accepted it.
Well bloody hell... I was pregnant. Hated the whole shebang. Was scared that I'd hate the bloody thing.

Twenty six years' later , I can say that it was the best 'thing' I'd ever done.

JaninaDuszejko · 10/02/2021 21:44

15 years ago I was you. Mid 30s, never wanted kids, didn't even like kids. DH really wanted kids but we'd discussed it before marriage and he wanted to be with more than he wanted kids. But he really wanted them and I knew he'd be a very involved Dad and there came a point where I thought actually, I think I want to give this man the children he wants. So we had 3DC. We both work PT, DH works very locally and has turned down promotions to keep the work life balance he wants so he put in the childcare work. And I love my DC and am very glad we have them and knowing what I know now would definitely have them again. BUT a) babies are hell on earth (mine are 8, 11 and 13 and are fabulous but the early years were very bad for our marriage) and b) you can have a fufilling and meaningful life without children.

Bandino · 10/02/2021 21:44

It's a huge commitment so I think you have to want to do it. Maybe picture yourself over the next five decades and think about what you would like to be doing. I'm in my 50s but if I'd not had my family, I really wouldn't have much family left. So I'm glad I did. But it has been very hard at times with a lot of sacrifices along the way. I'm very happy with my lot, when I wasn't very sure about it all in my thirties. But I have friends who chose a different path who are happy too.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 10/02/2021 21:45

The societal pressure that surrounds children is weird. Really weird.

If we take the classic remarks ("you'll never know true love until you have a child"; "it's different when it's your own child") etc and replace the term "child" with "dog" everyone would think you're batshit crazy. I happen to love my DDog dearly, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to pressure others into getting a dog! Yet many parents will do the equivalent.

At least your obligation to a DDog automatically ends after 12-16 years. There's no such escape clause with children.

Guineapigsarepigs · 10/02/2021 21:45

Maybe, maybe not. It's a decision with lifelong consequences either way. It sounds like you aren't completely sure. Talking it through with a counsellor now might help you to feel more confident in your child free choice or to reconsider motherhood in time to do it. Other people can only really tell you what worked for them.

Whatnow100 · 10/02/2021 21:46

I never wanted to have children ..we agreed not to when got married .Ive never particularly liked them unlike you op. Then in my late 30s i was suddenly driven to have a baby. My first did not sleep well at all and i wws not prepared for not having a full nighs sleep again for nearly two years. We did have a second child.i loved the early years and in fact i took time of work and was full time at home. It sort of felt like being in love .
I adore my dc
.
However, if i could turn back the clock i would not do it again. Am a bit of both a free spirit and a worrier
.i find that i worry about my now adult dc far more than i thought i ever would and i exhaust myself sometimes. I didnt realise it can be still so mentally full on when they are adults as they still feel to me like my baibies ! If someone would have told me that be so emcompassimg i would not have done it. I think you should think about what soŕt of peron ansd perso ality you are and would that fit with the lifesyle that often accompanies children ? Playing games .. school runs .. playdates .. all the love
.
But also the years and years of boyh love alongside hard work. Also think about do you actally like being with children ?.

LunaHeather · 10/02/2021 21:47

I'm 44

I never wanted children

People didn't stop harping about how I'd regret it till I hit 40. Tbh some of those people probably would still go on but I no longer mix with them!

Societal pressure or pressure from a partner should be ignored, it's your life and choice.

Meowtha · 10/02/2021 21:47

I don't have children. We're late 30s and have chosen not to. We have weighed up how we feel vs finances/priorities and feel we would be less happy if we had children.

Several of my friends with DC say they would never have them if they could have their time again.

We have had enormous pressure from both families to have them. They think we're completely insane and letting our elders down.

Fundays12 · 10/02/2021 21:47

Please don’t have children due to society pressure. If you want kids and can give them what they need go for it. However other people putting pressure on you too have kids is not a reason too have them. I love my kids but OMG they are hard work. Parenting through this pandemic has been the most exhausting thing I have ever done and I have led a busy life with a very good career that took me worldwide prior too having kids.

DH and I didn’t really want kids after we got married initially and actually ended up telling that to people as they were pressuring us to start a family. Once the pressure was off we felt more able too make an informed decision without other people making up our mind for us. My gorgeous nephew was then born and we both felt it was the right decision too try for a baby. Ironically we know have 3 kids but we wanted all of them and love them too pieces. Parenting is hard going and relentless though and if you don’t want kids don’t let society tell you that you should have them. I have friends without kids and all are happy with that choice.

MavisDracula1 · 10/02/2021 21:48

@AvocadosBeforeMortgages

The societal pressure that surrounds children is weird. Really weird.

If we take the classic remarks ("you'll never know true love until you have a child"; "it's different when it's your own child") etc and replace the term "child" with "dog" everyone would think you're batshit crazy. I happen to love my DDog dearly, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to pressure others into getting a dog! Yet many parents will do the equivalent.

At least your obligation to a DDog automatically ends after 12-16 years. There's no such escape clause with children.

BUT, you usually have to clear up poo for longer with a dog...but that is probably irrelevant. Correct though.

(Sorry, I've had a Wine and it's been a long week - half week - so, I've gone a bit silly Grin).

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