Am I making a mistake not having children?

[Eng2345]

I can see there are a few posts recently discussing children vs childfree so I’m sorry for starting another one, but this question keeps going round in my head!
I’m mid 30s and have never imagined having children but in the last two or three years have felt increased social pressure I guess. People have always said to me you ll change your mind but it now seems more serious, maybe in my head because I know at some point the time to change my mind will run out!

I like children, people say I’m good with children, but I don’t know how to explain it I’ve just never seen myself having a child. When people say try and imagine your future , I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it. I just can’t explain it. But then when so many people question it I start to doubt myself that I will regret it because so many people say I will!

I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious, I don’t know I just can’t imagine it. I’d like to teach children things (but I’m not a teacher!) and be a support for them to come to but I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum. But I’m petrified I ll regret it like everyone tells me I will!? Surely I’m not the only one who likes children but decides not to have their own?! Why is there so much pressure on women and not men lol!?

[quote Trulyatraditionalman]@meowtha Couldn't agree more. Nice name BTW [/quote]

X

Once I got about 21/22 I became obsessed with babies. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I not only wanted, but needed babies in my life. I didn't have them that young, but I really wanted them. I was in a steady relationship and ended up getting married before having them. It's possible of course, that you're not in the right relationship. And people do tend to moan about their kids as an outlet, which could have put you off/knocked your confidence. But it sounds as though you could take it or leave it. I have several friends who feel this way and have now left it too late. For what it's worth they have no regrets. They enjoy their lives. They go travelling, read, chill out and lead very fulfilling lives. My mum's friend didn't have children, but now regrets not having grandchildren, but she indulges her grand nieces and other children. I think that she would have quite liked to have had her own children though.

I just wanted to say it’s spooky reading your post because it is 100% something that could have come out of my very own mouth!

Never doubt your choices or your feelings. I have wanted children with absolute certainty since I was 12. I had my first at 35 and although the 3 of them are the light of my life, I find it very hard, and I resent everything I have given up.
Differences with my DH on discipline, how to raise them to be confident, his aggressive and authoritarian approach, cause more friction than I could ever have imagined.
My career eventually dwindled. My hobbies are memories. I don't mind having a crap body, but I do mind the incontinence. Basically, they will be my whole life for 20 years by the time the youngest leaves, they'll never call and blame me for everything I fucked up along the way. And I'll be as old and lonely as I would have been without them.

OP bare in mind that this societal pressure isn't really about whether you do or do not want children. No one actually deeply cares, they're being nosy and rude under the guise of conversation.

It's more about how people feel able to ask intrusive and inappropriate questions to others and how women's bodies/lives are somehow public property to be monitored and commented upon.

Those who have had children get the flipside; comments about genders, about appropriate numbers of siblings, about age gaps, about names/schooling/discipline and everything else under the sun that is none of their business.

These topics are not for casual conversation and should never be discussed without explicit agreement that it's a comfortable conversation for both parties.

I know people who didn't have children who deeply regret it.

I also know people who did have children and regret it.

And I know people both with and without children who are entirely happy with their life choices.

Nobody else can tell you what the right decision is for you. Unfortunately, even you won't be able to predict how you might feel about your decision in 10, 20, 30 years time. Life is unpredictable.

I think all we can do is follow our gut instinct and make whatever decisions feel right to us at the time, and do our best to avoid dwelling on any regrets either way.

I feel the urge to have children for two days a month, and thankfully realise it's my hormones messing about with me. I'm 42, and adore small children but cannot relate to older children and find they irritate me. I love my nieces and nephews, and my friend's children, and people have always said to me that I'd be a great mum. However, I have anxiety, and know that life with children would be even more constant anxiety for me, which I really don't want, so it is better for me not to have them.

I also have a husband with mental health issues, and (meaning no offence to anyone) friends with partners with mental health issues have had absolutely crap times with co-parenting, and I don't want that life for me.

I don't ever think I have made the wrong decision as I don't feel that I am missing out, and often wake up in the morning glad that I only have myself to deal with. I also now think that I probably wouldn't want to be dealing with teens in my late 50s.

@slashlover yep. You missed the timeless classic, "Well of course we can't do sleep training, because we do gentle parenting"... It truly never ends.

Look, it's a never ending job. You cannot change your mind when they arrive. If you are ill, depressed, etc... TOUGH TITTIES
the kid comes first. Your life will be taken over.
Your relationships with friends and family change.
It's not all about you.
You'll be poorer for Years.
Don't expect thanks.
Your child may be high needs or disabled which could limit your earnings.
It's 20+ years of worry and responsibility.
It's guilt if you don't have a sibling... Because you don't want any more.
I didn't want kids fell pg at 33, couldn't terminate. I was stupid.

You have to do what's right for you.
I'm not that maternal but love my DS. Fully admit and accept that my DH is far better with him then I am and takes more of a lead caring for many things for him but we each have our own strengths with him. I don't regret having him despite the fact I'm not the "typical mum".

I think it depends on your relationship to if its the right choice for you. For me I would never have chosen children if my DH didn't believe in co-parenting and expected me to do the majority of caring responsibilities. Then again I would never choose to be with a man like that full stop!

Based purely on what you’ve posted you would be right to stay child free.

Everything in your post says you dont (and have never) envisage children as part of your story.

But as you’ve found, when you have a story which is different to the “typical / norm” there will be insecurity. Because you’ve chosen something different to most others.

It’s surely natural to have a voice somewhere saying “umm everyone else is doing this thing, should WE be doing this thing too...”

I would be surprised if most child free (by choice) women haven’t had that voice pop up once or twice - purely because society and cultural expectations around “conforming” are so prevalent.

Again, based purely on your post I would say it’s fine to occasionally have this voice pop up and not to over indulge it. It’s being driven by other expectations rather than some secret desire for children that you’ve never explored

My husband and I decided not to have children. I was similar to you in that I wanted children in my life so was voluteering and hoped to do short-term fostering in the future. I then fell pregnant at 37. We have a 9 month old baby. He's great, life is great. Life was great before and it would have been great if we didn't have him. What I'm trying to say is there might not be a right and a wrong choice just two different choices, either of which would bring you happiness.

I'm mid 30s and have always been unsure, which makes me think it's probably not right for me. All my friends with kids really, really wanted them and were really excited to be pregnant and having a baby.

Although I love children, there's part of me that feels a bit of dread about having kids - I know I'll be permanently stressed, skint and exhausted. Especially with Covid, I personally don't think it would be a great idea to have kids right now until the situation is a bit better (what a rubbish time to be a kid). By which time who knows if I'll still be able to have kids, so maybe the decision has been made for me in some respects.

@16purplecolour16

Like the quote ‘having children is like having a tattoo on your face. You have got to be really committed.’

I'm not sure that works really, I mean - you can remove a tattoo

Lots of my (27-33yo) friends have made the choice not to have kids. It’s not such a big deal anymore.

I maintained from a young age I wouldn't be having children then at 19 I became a mum, wouldn't change it for the world now and at the age of 27 I have 3.

I have a friend who's late 30s who said her life is great child free and she wouldn't want to be held down and to be maternal.

I also know people who have kids and in a way regret having them .

Definitely wouldn't have children due to peer pressure that's ridiculous

I always knew I wanted children. Husband wanted children too and we produced 2 boys, now in their 40s, one married and with a daughter and a son. Other son has a lovely partner and they have no children. I've never commented to them or asked. Nor would I ever say anything to anyone else unless they asked my opinion.

People who pontificate on the lines of 'you'll change your mind' should be told it's none of their business. Because it isn't. Motherhood was for me - but it's not for everyone and their feelings and views are as valid as mine.

Oh my, @Meowtha our families are the same. My father in law (very successful) even told me it was obvious to him which of his female colleagues hadn't had children because they were such self centred women and he'd hate for me to be like that I just smiled...

Are you in a partnership?
If not and you decided to have children would.you go it alone or rush into a possibly unsuitable relationship?
I think the only thing you can do is imagine you are in your 40's. You're in a stable relationship, would you regret you didn't have any kids?
If at the start of.your 40's you got the urge to have children but found you couldn't would you regret it? It's a difficult thing to answer.
Make the decision that's right for you. If you dont want kids that fine, but I thi k the problem is sometimes when ladies get to a certain age they just get a sudden biological urge to have children. It's all consuming, it seems to be stronger if you are in a stable relationship.
Its difficult to explain the feeling. But if that happened to you and you found you couldn't have children would you regret the decision not to have them earlier?
Only you can answer that.

The only question that matters is do you want them or not.

I think children can bring an awful lot of joy to some people but unless you have that overwhelming desire or biological pull then it is a lot harder to overcome the sacrifices required. In terms of regret, yes time is a factor but the regret is based on a rose tinted view from a place where sacrifices have not been made. Travel, education, enjoying freedom and spontaneity, career focus are all things that people without children may have a stronger desire for and that is now thankfully (lockdown aside) accessible for women. If you resonate with that I don’t think you will feel regret.

Yes.

I'll be so pissed off if I get sledgehammered with maternal feelings in the next few years having had none my entire life. I adore my much older DP and love our life together.

If you are even asking the question, yes, I think you will regret not having a child.
Babies are short-lived phenomena, as are "kids", however tiring. But there is an endlessly interesting adult, that you will be invested in, for years to come. I think that in itself makes children worth having. I say this as mum of difficult teens who are just about to make their way in the world. I'm off the hook to some extent but my world is expanding because of them.

One is an an adult of 20 already..btw