Am I making a mistake not having children?

[Eng2345]

I can see there are a few posts recently discussing children vs childfree so I’m sorry for starting another one, but this question keeps going round in my head!
I’m mid 30s and have never imagined having children but in the last two or three years have felt increased social pressure I guess. People have always said to me you ll change your mind but it now seems more serious, maybe in my head because I know at some point the time to change my mind will run out!

I like children, people say I’m good with children, but I don’t know how to explain it I’ve just never seen myself having a child. When people say try and imagine your future , I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it. I just can’t explain it. But then when so many people question it I start to doubt myself that I will regret it because so many people say I will!

I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious, I don’t know I just can’t imagine it. I’d like to teach children things (but I’m not a teacher!) and be a support for them to come to but I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum. But I’m petrified I ll regret it like everyone tells me I will!? Surely I’m not the only one who likes children but decides not to have their own?! Why is there so much pressure on women and not men lol!?

I would potentially factor this in to whether or but you decide to... do you have a support network? It makes things easier if you do.

Of course if you had a burning desire to have kids, that wouldn’t necessarily be an issue, but for someone that’s not that fussed, I think it could be a shock to the system, because as amazing as it is, it is quite an overwhelming responsibility.

Ignore social pressure.
It is a big decision your life changes drastically but usually happily they become very important to you very quick things don't seem like a sacrifice.
I mentioned on the thread I've day dreamt of a child free life lately.
If I was offered the opportunity to go in time before they were born I wouldn't do it.
It has mostly been lovely and will be again. hopefully

Please have a child or children to be a part of the Mumsnet crying chair/ demented co sleeping/ school/eating problems cohort LOL.

Or don't if you want to avoid all that. I avoided it by choice and am happy out. But each to their own.

When I die I will hopefully leave behind the nice auntie who had precious time with her (now grown up mostly) N+Ns. It was such a pleasure and still is.

Was never going to be my circus. Had seen how hard it was for my siblings. But they would never give their kids back just the same.

We are all different, there are no rules.

@Nettleskeins

If you are even asking the question, yes, I think you will regret not having a child. Babies are short-lived phenomena, as are "kids", however tiring. But there is an endlessly interesting adult, that you will be invested in, for years to come. I think that in itself makes children worth having. I say this as mum of difficult teens who are just about to make their way in the world. I'm off the hook to some extent but my world is expanding because of them.

If you're not sure about having kids then definitely have them because in 18 years they will be fun.

Only you know the right answer to this OP. And your decision should be based on what you want and not social pressure. It amazes me how many people assume everyone wants kids and can be super annoying and insensitive, esp to couples, in their directness of asking a very personal question! It puts unnecessary pressure on people and can cloud judgement. Whatever you decide, I hope you have a fabulous life

Around Christmas and school holidays I think a kid would be nice to be able to do family activities eg trips to see Santa or too the beach etc and occasionally I wonder if I can ever be fulfilled without a kid or who I will leave my money too when I die etc.

But then I remember I wanna do fun things with kids cos I'm bored..do more activities as an adult, more money, more sleep, more time, less stress.

At the end of the day I'm selfish and have a short attention span, I struggle to parent a cat plus I would want a new born and a 6-10 year old, I think of toddlers or teens and I'm like nope couldn't cope.

Helps though that we can't conceive so I don't need to make a decision..oh god I think back to my early twenties trying for a kid..I was a kid wanting a child for a council house, not cos I wanted a child and I'm so so glad me and my husband are infertile lol.

As someone with children, it is all encompassing. I have a friend who like you doesn’t have or want children who is such a support because she is a wonderful godmother, friend, cares. The kids adore her and will always love her. There are loads of ways to have a meaningful relationship with children that isn’t being a mum. I wouldn’t say that to someone who feels driven to parenthood but you don’t sound like you want to be a mum - and that is perfectly fine!

Don’t have have for anyone especially social pressure. I’ve never regretted not having any, said at 13 no kids and stuck to it. My life my choice.

If you don't have the gut urge then I wouldn't op.
I don't regret mine but it's really hard work and the world seems so uncertain right now.i do worry about that - as well as all sorts of other things!

Enjoy your life and tell people to mind their own business!

It isn't that children are only fun when they reach 18...I was merely pointing out that if you don't feel that interested in "babies", there are several stages to parenthood. I have many friends who were not interested in babies incidentally who adored their own "babies". Most men do actually fall into this category...not interested in children per se, until they have their own. But this happens to women too. Disinterest and then Whoosh! Love at first sight.

I think it’s a rare person who has no regrets about their life, but by the point of regret there’s not much to be done except look forward, you can’t go backwards and letting regret colour years of your life makes no sense. None of us know as we go along what our big regrets will end up being.

I am child free and haven’t felt any pressure, but have felt a bit sad that I don’t have that maternal urge because then it seems you don’t really feel it’s a choice, whereas I have had to give this a lot of thought over the years. Parenthood is clearly a wonderful experience, overall, but there’s a lot of rough to take with the smooth and you need to be pretty committed to the idea to take it all on.

I think people get too hung up on 'choosing the right path' or something for their life. Like there is one BEST BEST option and you have to try and work out what that is then you'll be guaranteed happiness as a reward for picking the right choice.

The boring reality is there are pros and cons with everything. There are LOADS of 'cons' with kids! The thing I found hardest was that they were all supposed to be outweighed by this 'pro' of amazing maternal love (or whatever) which annoyingly you can't try out for a bit and see if you think it's worth it.

It's bloody hard having young kids and time for yourself just shrinks and shrinks. But it does make life interesting. But harder! And you might find yourself turning into your mother!

You can't have kids because of what other people tell you. Having kids is totally awesome, utterly infuriating, and will change your life (to what extent depends on how much you let it and how much money and flexibility you have).

I always wanted kids (DH didn't but was supportive) but even so it was a hell of a plunge into the unknown. You can't send them back if you change your mind. I made a list of all the reasons for and against and angsted about it for ages.

To someone who definitely wanted to but was scared I would say go for it. It's worth it.

But as for regret - yes there's a chance you'll regret it if you don't but plenty of people also regret it that they did. You have to want it!

5 year relationship recently ended, 2 m/c's during and recently split due to his abusive behaviors, I want a relationship and want a good job and house, holidays etc. but I don't know about kids yet, more than likely one but probably not more than that and like my lifestyle

If you're not sure about having kids then definitely have them because in 18 years they will be fun.
Or they will be the "never leave home you have to financially support me forever, move my unemployed boyfriend in, if you want me to move out give me a deposit to buy a house type" which many of us would not find fun.

@Aria999

To someone who definitely wanted to but was scared I would say go for it. It's worth it.

But as for regret - yes there's a chance you'll regret it if you don't but plenty of people also regret it that they did. You have to want it!

But she doesn't definitely want to.

I’m not writing for a newspaper but I can see why that question was asked!!

I’m have a long term partner , and I’m actually a step mum to a 11 and 13 year old, I’ve been in their lives since they were young (not the other woman!) I think because of this I get asked thé question even more. I quite like being a step mum, there’s definitely been hard times but I enjoy it because I have children in my life but I also have lots of my own time , and can do what I want to when I want. I haven’t had to make many sacrifices being a stepmum. I completely know that being a stepmum is not the same as being a mum but I feel I have a good relationship with my step children and it feels enough for me. I think I like it because I sort of get to be more like the dad in the situation if that makes sense, when they are here the responsibility isn’t on me (not saying that dads don’t take responsibility ) I can plan some things to do with them if I want to but if I want to see friends that’s also fine. But I think as I get closer to 40 and people ask me , the decision seems so final even though I feel like I don’t want to change anything if that makes sense. My partner doesn’t really want to have anymore but I think it’s important I make the decision for me. Over the years we have discussed it and there have been times when he has wondered about it but I never felt excited I just sort of laughed it off!

A few years ago I went to a couple of counselling sessions about something else and it came up in conversation and the counsellor said you don’t decide to have children to be happy, it’s not like only people who have children will be happy there are lots of other options for women now .

The fact is right now it’s impossible to tell whether or not you will regret not having children. Same as if you did decide to have a child, you may feel it’s the best decision you ever made and be glad you made the right choice, or you might not.

You just have to do what feels right for you at that time and then live with the consequences of that choice.

I felt the same as you except I didn't even like children .
Had a whoopsie baby at 38 ,very much wanted once I found out . Hes 7 now , love him so much but never wanted any more and I know if I was still child free I would not have had a yearning . I'd be living my best life !
Oh and I still dont like other peoples children lol
It's really hard and the baby years almost broke me , it's a lot of sacrifice if it's not in your life plan .

Ih and no one put any pressure on me because they knew my stance and I was very adamant my career and lifestyle made me very happy and I didnt want anything else .
Of course that's all gone down the pan now haha but hes worth it

I was going to say it sounds like what you really want is to be an aunt/godmother, but step-mother fits the bill too!

It’s fine not to want DC. I have several friends who have chosen to be childfree (we’re late 30s so it’s now or never time) and they have lovely, fulfilling lives. Ignore societal pressure and do what’s right for you.

Just wanted to add that the pressure from society doesn't stop when you have a baby. As I wrote earlier our pregnancy was a suprise. From him being a few weeks old people were talking about our 'next one'. Some people genuinely seem perplexed/horrified when I explain we won't be having another. Sick of hearing about how essential it is that he has a sibling. I mentioned this to a friend and she said that after having two girls her family is complete but people still ask her if she will try for a 3rd to have a boy. It's bizzare and never ending!