Am I making a mistake not having children?

[Eng2345]

I can see there are a few posts recently discussing children vs childfree so I’m sorry for starting another one, but this question keeps going round in my head!
I’m mid 30s and have never imagined having children but in the last two or three years have felt increased social pressure I guess. People have always said to me you ll change your mind but it now seems more serious, maybe in my head because I know at some point the time to change my mind will run out!

I like children, people say I’m good with children, but I don’t know how to explain it I’ve just never seen myself having a child. When people say try and imagine your future , I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it. I just can’t explain it. But then when so many people question it I start to doubt myself that I will regret it because so many people say I will!

I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious, I don’t know I just can’t imagine it. I’d like to teach children things (but I’m not a teacher!) and be a support for them to come to but I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum. But I’m petrified I ll regret it like everyone tells me I will!? Surely I’m not the only one who likes children but decides not to have their own?! Why is there so much pressure on women and not men lol!?

I now regret having my dd. She’s 15 and a nightmare

As a woman, sadly, if you want to have a biological child then time really isn’t on your side. Like it or not, that’s the truth.
Our culture and society has moved on in terms of equality but it doesn’t really line up with the biological reality.

I have to say, I didn’t feel a particular feeling of wanting children but I knew I’d have them. When we started trying, I wasn’t “ready” but thought “why not”.

And 12 years later I do not regret it.

If you are happy without children then stay that way.
Unless you really want one you really shouldn’t.
The thing is that most people do want children and many of them can’t accept that others don’t want the things they want.
It is also true that some people suddenly reach a certain age and want a baby when they didn’t want one before.
As a women you are time limited for reproducing so it’s a decision you have to accept cannot be reversed after a certain point.

If we take the classic remarks ("you'll never know true love until you have a child"; "it's different when it's your own child") etc and replace the term "child" with "dog" everyone would think you're batshit crazy. I happen to love my DDog dearly, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to pressure others into getting a dog! Yet many parents will do the equivalent

Being a pet owner is nothing like being a parent.

I've heard "you'll change your mind" since I was about 13 and declared I'd never have kids. I'm 42 and I'm still being told that I might change my mind.

No regrets.

I think if women were able to have children up until their old age this sudden desire to have children would never materialise. It’s only because time literally starts to run out that woman make a decision to ignore their brains and procreate.

Personally I think if you really have no desire then don’t go ahead. Life is certainly easier without the responsibility and worry. Global warming? Ah to hell with it, I’ll be dead before it gets really bad. Lost your job? Ah it’s fine. There’s only me to worry about and I’ll just live on potatoes for s month and be fine. Living in a place near a shit school? Who cares, I’m enjoying the lower house prices. Want a cheap holiday? Yay! Book one outside the school holidays etc etc etc.

P.s OP society pressure never really goes away even when you have kids. I have 3 boys all very loved and wanted and have spent the last few years (since ds2) was born being told I should have a girl too complete my family. Neither DH or I feel a girl would complete our family but society believes having a boy/girl makes a family complete. The saying there is nothing stranger than folk is true.

Not quite as drastic but I got married at 25 because it was the done thing, we'd been together a certain amount of time etc etc. Lasted less than a year. And I didn't have a lifelong responsibility as a result.

What newspaper are you writing for?

Those of you that are saying "I was you OP, never wanted kids, and then suddenly when I was 36 I had the urge and now DC is the best thing that ever happened to me and wouldn't change it for the world".... That's great for you and its really lovely. However, important to know that this doesn't always happen and that it's perfectly fine for OP never to have that biological pull to have a baby. I'm the same as OP - never felt maternal and not sure I ever will. I know my life will be perfectly fulfilled without kids (and filled with lovely family, friends and pets!).

I agree with those that say it's easier to regret not having children than regret having them.

Well I know that I'm not, but unfortunately no one can tell you if you're not.
Interestingly, not one person has ever (been presumptuous enough to) told me I'd regret it in future. They must all realise I don't have a single motherly quality

@Iggly

If we take the classic remarks ("you'll never know true love until you have a child"; "it's different when it's your own child") etc and replace the term "child" with "dog" everyone would think you're batshit crazy. I happen to love my DDog dearly, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to pressure others into getting a dog! Yet many parents will do the equivalent

Being a pet owner is nothing like being a parent.

You're missing the point.

So many parents seem to think that, just because they love being a parent, it means everyone should do it - and then apply pressure accordingly.

If I went around declaring that everyone should get a dog (and possibly throwing around some of the slurs often aimed at childfree women - "selfish" being a choice one) then it would be mad.

Having children is a lifestyle choice - and not one that people should be pressured into.

@Trulyatraditionalman

Those of you that are saying "I was you OP, never wanted kids, and then suddenly when I was 36 I had the urge and now DC is the best thing that ever happened to me and wouldn't change it for the world".... That's great for you and its really lovely. However, important to know that this doesn't always happen and that it's perfectly fine for OP never to have that biological pull to have a baby. I'm the same as OP - never felt maternal and not sure I ever will. I know my life will be perfectly fulfilled without kids (and filled with lovely family, friends and pets!).

I agree with those that say it's easier to regret not having children than regret having them.

👏👏👏

I was exactly like you at 35. I could have gone either way, as could DH. We decided to risk it, even though we were both unsure, and having my children was the single best thing in my life.
If we had decided not to have children I imagine I would have been okay with it, not having ever had any burning desire for them.

I'm 47, always known I didn't want kids, don't like them, don't know how to interact with them and have no desire to do so. I've had pressure from exes and parents to have kids despite telling them from day one that I don't want them. I have a very happy fulfilled life and I don't regret any of the decisions I've made

The thing with social pressure is -

Having none is wrong
Having one means you need to have another so it's not an only child
Having two of the same sex means you should try for one of the opposite sex
Having three or more is selfish
Having two too close together is wrong but you don't want to leave too big of a gap either.

@Trulyatraditionalman

Those of you that are saying "I was you OP, never wanted kids, and then suddenly when I was 36 I had the urge and now DC is the best thing that ever happened to me and wouldn't change it for the world".... That's great for you and its really lovely. However, important to know that this doesn't always happen and that it's perfectly fine for OP never to have that biological pull to have a baby. I'm the same as OP - never felt maternal and not sure I ever will. I know my life will be perfectly fulfilled without kids (and filled with lovely family, friends and pets!).

I agree with those that say it's easier to regret not having children than regret having them.

This.

I also know one of two people who never wanted kids, accidentally fell pregnant, decided to keep the baby and now deeply regret it. They love their child but would have been happier without them.

@FuckyouCovid21 Great to hear that you made the right decision for yourself despite all of those obstacles! 😊

I have three kids. I love them but I can imagine a life without them that seems pretty appealing. My kids are early teens, I have enough money, I still have my career. I always thought I wanted kids and I had them but honestly I would have had a good life without them too. I'm not entirely sure I'd do the same thing again with hindsight (and no I'm not depressed, I'm fine. I can just see a different life that would have been quite nice...).

Definitely don't do it if you have doubts, my god you become a slave for at least 16years

My childfree friends are very happy with their decision.

My friends with children are mostly happy with their decision, with the odd one or two who could envisage a happier life if they hadn't gone down that route, even though they love the children they have.

Me personally, I think it's been the making of me as a person, I'm such a different person as a mum than I would be without them; not always better, definitely not as calm, but teens also bring out my fun side and I enjoy their company a lot. I had already lived a lot of my life without children (to mid-thirties) and kind of know what type of person I was up til then, I could have carried on with more of the same and been pretty happy, but for me, family life is just a way of living that is harder but more rewarding. I hope my children enjoy it some of the time too.

@Iggly

If we take the classic remarks ("you'll never know true love until you have a child"; "it's different when it's your own child") etc and replace the term "child" with "dog" everyone would think you're batshit crazy. I happen to love my DDog dearly, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to pressure others into getting a dog! Yet many parents will do the equivalent

Being a pet owner is nothing like being a parent.

But everyone actually should get a cat. Because they are the most wonderful magical creatures, and far better than human children

@meowtha Couldn't agree more. Nice name BTW

@Wearywithteens

Mine was a visceral maternal instinct. Absolute no brainer. To make a decision as life altering as that on the basis of something impersonal and external as ‘societal pressure’ seems reckless to me.

I genuinely find this really interesting.

I know some people talk about this visceral maternal instinct, but it honestly never happened to me. I don't particularly like children at all.

But I instantly fall in love with every cat/dog/donkey/capybara pretty much every animal I meet. Perhaps I should have been born an animal. I can't imagine feeling towards a child how I do towards animals.