Am I making a mistake not having children?

[Eng2345]

I can see there are a few posts recently discussing children vs childfree so I’m sorry for starting another one, but this question keeps going round in my head!
I’m mid 30s and have never imagined having children but in the last two or three years have felt increased social pressure I guess. People have always said to me you ll change your mind but it now seems more serious, maybe in my head because I know at some point the time to change my mind will run out!

I like children, people say I’m good with children, but I don’t know how to explain it I’ve just never seen myself having a child. When people say try and imagine your future , I don’t really know how I see it but I have a feeling and I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or whatever that biological children aren’t in it. I just can’t explain it. But then when so many people question it I start to doubt myself that I will regret it because so many people say I will!

I think I feel I would feel a bit suffocated maybe by the responsibility, I know I would worry endlessly about everything and it would probably make me anxious, I don’t know I just can’t imagine it. I’d like to teach children things (but I’m not a teacher!) and be a support for them to come to but I don’t think I want the whole job of being a Mum. But I’m petrified I ll regret it like everyone tells me I will!? Surely I’m not the only one who likes children but decides not to have their own?! Why is there so much pressure on women and not men lol!?

I never felt the ‘urge’ to have children and only went for it we were closer to 40 than 30 and it felt like it was getting to ‘now or never’. Partly I think I’d never been interested in babies - never understood why people cooed over them, just not fussed about them at all.

But the difference for me was that although I could really never imagine me, at that moment, having children, my vague vision of my future always had children in it. If I imagined my life in my 60s or 70s, I had grown up children. Eventually it got to the point that if I wanted that to be my future then I had to bite the bullet.

Must admit I spent my entire first pregnancy worrying I’d made a terrible mistake. But I’ve actually adored being a parent from day 1 (obviously it’s often relentless and frustrating and boring but ultimately I find it worth it!).

So I think yes you can love being a parent without having a strong maternal drive / broodiness. But if you envisage a happy, childfree future then I wouldn’t be pressured into it.

(Incidentally I now can’t get enough of babies, I am the first one cooing over them now!)

Look OP, don't give into pressure, you only get one life and you must live it the way you see fit and the way it makes YOU happy! I respect women who decide to live their life childfree and would never ever judge them. People will often say you will regret not having children, but what about the women who actually regret having them? No one ever talks about that! But it's real, it happens.

DH and I had our DS in our mid 30s and I actually don't think you can compare the two lives, because once they are here, the love for them clouds your judgment a bit..For me, it was the hardest ever thing to adjust from childfree to having a child, and I often wondered if we made the right decision but actually, the love I have for him is so great, it comes nowhere near anything I ever experienced and can not imagine a life now that he isn't in. As hard as it may be sometimes :)

I hope that made some sense...sounded better in my head

I’ve seen this dilemma play out with my friend who is now in her 40s and single. She is now going through ivf after all these years. It’s not always a black and white decision and for many they never know until they have kids! I know some women regret it as it is the biggest responsibility one will ever have but certainly for me I question my life before children. Don’t get my wrong I had a ball, loads of travelling, fun times with then DP, but children honestly enable you to feel a love that you will never feel for anyone else. I think those that question a woman’s decision to remain childless know this and worry that they’ll miss out. But ultimately it’s your choice and there will be a point where the option is taken away from you.

I like it because I sort of get to be more like the dad in the situation if that makes sense

Makes perfect sense sadly! I often say to my husband I'd love parenting if I was a dad. It seems you have the best of both worlds with your step children OP. Don't bow to societal pressure if having children is not something you really want. Remaining childfree is a completely valid choice. Shut any rude comments down and don't engage - you don't have to justify your life choices to anyone.

As an aside though. I often think it's quite sad on these threads when people feel free to go on about how they "don't like" children. Children are just people! Can you imagine the uproar on here if someone said I don't like old people? Individual children might wind you up but I think children as a "group" deserve just as much respect as any other, particularly since they're society's most vulnerable. Just an observation.

If you don’t fancy it DEFINITELY don’t do it
Love mine but it’s very hard. One of mine has sn as well

You cannot compare other peoples’ children to your own. I don’t particularly “like” children and have never felt maternal until having my son, but I did always know that I wanted a family. If you’re questioning it then don’t have children, especially just due to societal pressure.

If you don't WANT children, don't have them.

They're a big commitment, hard work and expensive.

People will tell you all about the joys and rewards and under reasonably decent circumstances they're not wrong; but some of the threads on here show that's not actually guaranteed, and it's not necessary.

(It's like someone saying "oh I can't be arsed with sex any more, all that faffing about and having to deal with men" and the only response being "but orgasms are so fantastic!" - yes, true, but still...)

The idea that you want them or you don't is nonsense, it's not black or white.

@User45643

The idea that you want them or you don't is nonsense, it's not black or white.

Why? I know for a fact I don't want children. It is very black and white for me.

The idea that you want them or you don't is nonsense, it's not black or white.

What do you mean? It really is for many! I always wanted children. There was no question, no "decision" to make - no shades of grey whatsoever.

If you don’t want children, don’t have them. You sound like you’d be the coolest auntie in the world to your siblings/friend’s children (if they have them). Or perhaps join the scouts/guides as a leader. Teaching your own children things is a rose tinted fantasy - I say this as a teacher who is finding teaching her own children through a pandemic the greatest career challenge yet ;)

@JorisBonson

That was actually my point. I would say that to someone who definitely wanted them but I didn't / wouldn't say it to OP.

Having a kid when you're not sure is the biggest no no!! You're probably great with kids because they arent your responsibility and dont have to deal with all the shit that comes with having them and, if they are anything like mine, they are fucking angelic to everyone else!!! Not everyone has to have kids and that's ok.

As an aside though. I often think it's quite sad on these threads when people feel free to go on about how they "don't like" children. Children are just people! Can you imagine the uproar on here if someone said I don't like old people? Individual children might wind you up but I think children as a "group" deserve just as much respect as any other, particularly since they're society's most vulnerable. Just an observation.

Children are not fully formed and so a relationship with them is not a relationship of equals. It is not comparable to the relationship you can have with any adult because it cannot (and should not) be two way, an adult can't be friends with a child. And that is why people say they don't like them, in the same way some people don't like animals. Whereas you can easily be friends with an person in their 80s or 90s.

OP this is an interesting article on why you shouldn't fear regret about not having children.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-not-fear-regret-about-not-having-kids

I never saw children in my life, wasn't the least bit maternal, never held or changed a baby and I have 7 nieces and nephews! I have 5 of my own now, and life without them isn't worth considering. The problem with this is, if you decided to go ahead and then regret it, you're very stuck. I'm not sure what I would suggest really, our first was very unplanned so the decision was made for me.