Bit rude response re child with SEN

[yearnewwhatever]

On the phone to GP surgery ensuring that it's on the record that I'm a carer for my autistic son (he gets DLA and we get careers allowance) as we've been told to do to ensure group 6 vaccination.

Conversation goes....
Surgery 'so your child has problems?'
Excuse me?
Surgery 'your child isn't normal?'
Um, he is normal actually.....
Surgery 'I'm just trying to find out what's wrong with him'
Nothing is wrong with him and you're being quite offensive?
Surgery 'I'll put you on hold'

🤷‍♀️

AIBU to suggest some disability awareness training is in order?

My poor boy heard it all on speaker phone (my mistake)and is now asking why his autism makes him not normal....😡

@Silenceisgolden20

I'm saying working with children with SEN is not the same as being a parent of. Thats what I'm saying. It's a job. You get paid. You go home.

This is so true. I have worked with DC with SN, I have a child with SN. How ‘sensitive’ it makes you about disablist language doesn’t compare.

This wasn't acceptable. Your child has additional needs. They should not have anyone involved in their care describe them as "not normal". For what it's worth, OP, and I hate to say it, but admin staff at GPs are poorly paid. You get some people with a good standard of education and common sense who are happy to take the lower pay as it suits them and their lifestyle and have been there years and enjoy the job and are very people-orientated. Whereas some GP surgeries take on apprentices who are often quite young, lacking in academic ability and life experience and who need adequate training (I mean, literally need it spelling out to them how you can and cannot talk to people).

It's possible that due to COVID and rotas/sickness you got through to someone who is relatively new and inexperienced at both reception work and just life generally! We all make silly mistakes when we are young, but we all want to do a good job in the main. I would always like to know if I could do something better, so I would definitely contact the surgery and let them know you weren't dealt with in the most inclusive way.

I have two DDs with SN. I think this could easily have been avoided if you'd just answered the first question with 'My DS gets DLA and I receive Carer's allowance'. You could also have taken the phone off speaker immediately if you had concerns.

People do say insensitive things but it doesn't mean that they are necessarily being an awful person. They just aren't considering the impact of their words.

Working with and being a parent of are not the same thing.

@Silenceisgolden20 I couldn't be more aware of that. I got to put the children on their minibuses at the end of the day, and go home to my peaceful house. Some days I almost felt guilty that I was able to do that.

To know that I'd be able to sleep at night instead of being awake for most of it, trying to prevent my son from self-harming and screaming so loud that the neighbours are trying to get me evicted. And praying that my son wouldn't get ill because if he didn't go to school I wouldn't get to sleep in the day instead.

To know that I would be safe at home, and not being beaten up by the child I loved so much, but who was capable of putting me in hospital.

To be able to book a holiday, or go out for the day. To be able to go to a family event without my child having a meltdown in the middle of it.

To be able to give all my kids attention, instead of having to neglect the others because of the 24/7 needs of my very severely autistic child.

I'm sorry, but some autistic children are a problem. And when you spend much of your time trying to comfort the parents who are sobbing on your shoulder. it's impossible to ignore someone who issues a generalisation that autistic children are not. I'm very glad that yours isn't, and that many others are also not a problem. But you do many parents a disservice by completely ignoring their plight.

But they should consider the impact of their words. Especially in that job.
That's the point.

@myfriendsgivebadadvice

If that’s not a problem then what is??

Your attitude. That's a problem.

A condition needing support? Not a 'problem'.

I have a child with a condition needing support. It causes her problems. Physical and emotional problems, that people without the condition don’t have. The support she gets is to help alleviate those problems. If it didn’t cause her problems, if everything was just fine, why would she need the support?

I think perhaps people have different understandings of the word problem. To me it means something you are finding difficult, something you may need help with. It isn’t othering or judgmental in the same way that “not normal” or “wrong with him” are. That language was appalling.

Anyway, bowing out, and apologies if I offended anyone. Personally I don’t find it offensive to be asked about my child’s “problems” which she has due to her condition - but clearly some do.

Can't believe people are still defending this crap

I haven’t defended her, I agreed her use of words was wrong and inappropriate.

I just pointed out she probably didn’t mean to be malicious or upset anyone. Most likely she was new to the role or an untrained temp drafted in to help with the pandemic.

@saraclara

Working with and being a parent of are not the same thing.

@Silenceisgolden20 I couldn't be more aware of that. I got to put the children on their minibuses at the end of the day, and go home to my peaceful house. Some days I almost felt guilty that I was able to do that.

To know that I'd be able to sleep at night instead of being awake for most of it, trying to prevent my son from self-harming and screaming so loud that the neighbours are trying to get me evicted. And praying that my son wouldn't get ill because if he didn't go to school I wouldn't get to sleep in the day instead.

To know that I would be safe at home, and not being beaten up by the child I loved so much, but who was capable of putting me in hospital.

To be able to book a holiday, or go out for the day. To be able to go to a family event without my child having a meltdown in the middle of it.

To be able to give all my kids attention, instead of having to neglect the others because of the 24/7 needs of my very severely autistic child.

I'm sorry, but some autistic children are a problem. And when you spend much of your time trying to comfort the parents who are sobbing on your shoulder. it's impossible to ignore someone who issues a generalisation that autistic children are not. I'm very glad that yours isn't, and that many others are also not a problem. But you do many parents a disservice by completely ignoring their plight.

I'm not ignoring anyones plight. And you know nothing about my child. Or me. This isn't a competition.

I've said a professional needs to be aware of the language they use and parents of SEN have this crap all the time, yet the OP needs to be more understanding.

This thread is going round in circles.

I think with these things, as with discussions around racist language etc, it comes down to how good your vocabulary is. the better you are at expressing yourself, the easier it is to avoid certain words or phrases, because you have good command of your language and are able to get your point across regardless, so you shrug and choose a different word or phrase. it's always, and I'm sorry, but it is, people who seem a bit less intelligent fighting to the death to defend their own or someone else's right to communicate offensively.

Oh come on, most of us are very aware that additional needs fall somewhere on a wide spectrum. Or, that is, we WOULD be aware if we had any kind of disability awareness training. Which GPs should have. Professionals should KNOW that for some children their condition is not a problem in that with a bit of extra help they can get involved with normal life, hold down a job, relationship etc. These children today are unlikely to have an EHCP, though, sadly.

Those at the other end of the spectrum DO have many problems, which is why they have additional funding for this, that and the other, and EHCPs.

There is absolutely no need for anyone on here to get offended or "bow out" from what others are posting or describing. That, in itself, shows a lack of awareness of the wide-ranging difficulties that people with autism and other conditions, have.

People do say insensitive things but it doesn't mean that they are necessarily being an awful person. They just aren't considering the impact of their words.

No one said she's an awful person. She just needs to consider the impact of her words, pronto. It's not ok and it's not the OP's job to tolerate this while everyone gets themselves educated.

@HikeForward

Can't believe people are still defending this crap

I haven’t defended her, I agreed her use of words was wrong and inappropriate.

I just pointed out she probably didn’t mean to be malicious or upset anyone. Most likely she was new to the role or an untrained temp drafted in to help with the pandemic.

That's a guess. Oh yes let's blame covid for a receptionists ignorance. Perfect

And you know nothing about my child. Or me.

And you know nothing about the parents I worked with and their children. This is why I'm saying you shouldn't say that their children aren't a problem. They would disagree with you.

For the record, I never said that their children were a problem, nor did I use any disablist language. But nor would I ever have said to them "your child isn't/doesn't have a problem", because that is every bit as insensitive.

There's a difference between having a problem and being a problem. It's dehumanising to say a human being is a problem.

Eh?

So I've offended you by using the world disability instead of problem?

this could easily have been avoided if you'd just answered the first question with 'My DS gets DLA and I receive Carer's allowance'. it sounds like OP's reply to the first question was borne of being a bit suprised / thrown by the comment. Not that she was being difficult.

If she'd repeated the question, if she's said your child is disabled or is your child sick etc. it would have been avoided.

Instead the receptionist clarified her initial question by asking if the child was NORMAL which makes it abundantly clear that at the very best she's ignorant and needs some disability awareness.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say A LOT of training is needed full stop.

Most likely she was new to the role or an untrained temp drafted in to help with the pandemic. that really is no excuse for asking if a child is normal. it isn't a special skill to not think some children are abnormal

Cos I'm not quite sure where your point is going.
I said jesus wept that the DLA form should be remaned PLA because another poster used the world problem.

If you want to call your children problem or have problems ot whatevr you want, go for it.
The OP doesn't.

CrayonInThreeBits

You do realise the text you're quoting from isn't immune to using disablist language? And regardless of the way a condition is defined to qualify for a diagnosis, there are terms to define it within society and talk about it to parents that are inclusive and more accurately reflect the extent to which 'abnormal' is simply are euphemism for 'not like us' - which is not the same thing as 'impaired', as your manual suggests.

All she was asking was for his medical condition.

You must be joking. So there's a "normal" category and a "non-normal" category? Her choice of language is extremely offensive and completely unprofessional.

saraclara

I think you should stop talking now. You're starting to make stuff up.

For the record, I never said that their children were a problem,

Really.

I'm sorry, but some autistic children are a problem.

I suggest you just stop using the word 'problem' in relation to children. It's really not appropriate.

We're going to close this thread to new comments now. Thank you to everyone who contributed.