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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wanting to quit job

140 replies

Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 12:40

My DH has a relatively well paid, stable job which he has done for the last 10 years. He has had periods where he hates it (busy periods) and other times over summer where it's quieter and he is fine. It allows him to work from home and be flexible, however he works very long hours. He has made no attempt to change the way he works with his long hours or address stress. He is a bit a martyr and people pleaser and I am often shocked at how much he does for other people ( which isn't part of his job) it took him 7 years for the qualifications to get this job during that time I supported him finiacially.

He is now saying he will quit his job and learn coding in September and get a new job. He is basing this in his friends ( who work in jobs around IT) saying he will find a job easily and praising a website he made about 15 years ago.

I said I need to hear more information about what jobs are out There, what qualifications need etc salary before he makes this decision and we need to look at finiances ( I work PT) He doesn't have this information. He is very academically clever but has no drive or direction and it feels like he quits jobs to chase another he doesn't gave enough info on.

I know AINBU in insisting he actually has a plan before quitting a stable job in the middle of a pandemic but how the hell do I get him to listen?! I want to scream!!

OP posts:
Palavah · 10/02/2021 12:41

YANBU at all.

He could go part-time and learn to code on his free day.

GiveIrelandBackToTheIrish · 10/02/2021 12:47

YANBU It's so hard to get a job nowadays even if you're the most qualified person in the world

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/02/2021 12:49

if he is that keen to change, he should learn coding in his free time, and get a new job before he quits the current one.

blue25 · 10/02/2021 12:53

What job took him 7 years to qualify in? It must be highly skilled and seems such a waste of all that training.

He sounds like one of those people who never really likes any job he does. I would feel annoyed and worried too.

Gliblet · 10/02/2021 12:56

Something to ask him - given that coding is a job you can do 24/7/365, whats going to stop him from taking on too much and burning out?

It's important that you know whether he actually recognises those people pleasing tendencies in himself or all of the arguing you do isn't going to touch the sides.

If he does recognise those behaviours, then what's stopping him from doing something about them now?

ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay · 10/02/2021 12:57

You don't need qualifications to code. If he's clever enough, he could teach himself and then get some experience and put a portfolio together. My husband did this and earns 65k. He's now a head of...

He could do it in his own time but surely he shouldn't quit his job without another job, that would be unfair on you.

VettiyaIruken · 10/02/2021 12:57

Ask him how he intends to find the £x needed per month for bills during his retraining and search for work

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 10/02/2021 12:59

How long is he planning to be out of work then? It's seven months until September, is he going to continue in his current job until then? And how long will he need to spend learning how to code?

ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay · 10/02/2021 12:59

P.S you can earn even more if you're a Web developer contractor. Some can earn £500 a day!

wibblewombat · 10/02/2021 13:00

Actuary?

It is his life tho...

My DH went PT, worked really well. I was always controlling careful about his hours, for similar reasons.

MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2021 13:01

Quitting a well paid job with nothing but a vague plan in this climate would not be clever at all.

Especially with a family to support.

Is he an accountant? Maybe he needs to look at moving to another post if he hates this one so much. I agree going part time and studying on a free day is a much more secure plan.

yoyo1234 · 10/02/2021 13:01

If it is people pleasing ( and lack of delegation) that is an issue surely that could continue in a new job?

rawalpindithelabrador · 10/02/2021 13:03

YANBU. Nope, nope, nope. When you decide to start a family you have an obligation to them. He can learn coding in his free time, get a job and then quit. That's what adults do unless they are minted.

Moondust001 · 10/02/2021 13:06

This is my brother in law! He'll never be satisfied. If you keep supporting him to train for the elusive job that he'll be satisfied with, you'll be supporting him for ever. Sorry, but I'd be telling him that he stays in his job and retrains in his spare time, and gets a job before quitting. Or he finds a new mug to pay for this because you won't be around.

Respectabitch · 10/02/2021 13:09

There are talent shortages in many areas of software and tech, and they've been relatively unaffected or even boosted by the pandemic, so he's not necessarily on a complete wild hair.

I agree with the sensible points you and others have made otherwise though. It's nuts to quit his job when he doesn't even know if he'd like coding yet and when what he really needs to address is his martyr tendencies.

I'd want to see details of exactly what career path he's targeting, what languages. What learning resources he proposes to use. What entry level jobs in that language/speciality look like. He can start doing codeacademy part time and save up for an intensive bootcamp with links with employers if he wants a sensible plan he can execute more quickly.

TheyIsMyFamily · 10/02/2021 13:10

I would tell him this is not the time to be considering any kind of change like this, and you certainly won't be supporting him for retraining after you'd already carried him for 7 years training.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/02/2021 13:13

I can see why its attractive, but it is not necessarily a lower stress option!

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 13:18

Thank you - i feel heard!!!

To answer questions:

He is a lecturer and has a PhD in his subject and degree. It's a completely separate field do would be a waste as he is looking at starting at the bottom. He would quit this summer to not start the new term.

I agree it is mad to walk away from a job at the moment and he doesn't see how lucky we are with both jobs being stable and with flexibility.

There is absolutely nothing stopping the same problems reoccurring ( the people please/long hours/ delegation) in the next job but any mention of this and he sees this as me not supporting him! He becomes very defensive when we discuss this. This would be his 3rd big career change.

I mentioned part time before and he has dismissed it although I think it's worth another go.

It's infuriating he cannot see a lot of the issues are down to him! At least I recognise/own my own issues!!

I agree I'm not sure he will be happy in any job. He was an outstanding pupil at school and the work world hasn't lived up to his expectations - probably because it requires a different set of skills....

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 10/02/2021 13:19

It's not fair to make a decision that will affect other people in the house (in terms of free time available, money, possibly having to increase your hours etc) without fully involving you in the decision making process. I think you should support him if his job is making him miserable but make clear you will only support if you know all the facts. How long will it take to train, what will you do for money in the mean time etc

Respectabitch · 10/02/2021 13:23

Ah. Tbh, the fact that he's in academia is a relevant nuance, imo. It's known that it's a field it's really easy to work long hours in. Mind you, you can work long hours in anything if you're wired that way.

I might consider saying you won't countenance or discuss him retraining AGAIN until he gets some counselling and deals with his own work issues. THEN you will discuss, but not necessarily agree to, a sensible, workable plan for changing fields. But not until he has had counselling and put his back into making his current job more workable.

user1471538283 · 10/02/2021 13:25

The thing is that whilst coding and other IT architectural jobs are very well paid where I work the reason is because you need experienced staff with cutting edge skills. Our architects are constantly updating their skills because it all moves so quickly. I can say to one of the architects I want it to do this, look like this and I am sure the work behind it is enormous and difficult.

It may be a goer for him but it is stressful and deadline focused. I know he doesn't want to learn part time but he needs to keep money coming in and this is his third time!

Brefugee · 10/02/2021 13:28

I'd probably suggest that he stops doing all the extra unnecessary to his actual job stuff and uses the extra time he'll gain to learn coding.

And to research exactly what it is that he wants to get into.

Family finances mean family decisions. I stuck at a job i loathed for years as the main wage earner, whereas my DH once chucked in a job (in, to be fair, an industry at a time when he could walk into another equally paid job at the drop of a hat) because he didn't like his boss (I'd been bullied by a load of managers over a protracted period)

It was only when i completely exploded at him about what he'd done when i couldn't that he finally got how bad my job had been (although i did tell him often)

That's how families work.

Bourbonbiccy · 10/02/2021 13:32

Personally I think we are going to have a hard couple of years coming, so I would want him to be qualified and have a job offer on the table before jumping ship, maybe going part time to facilitate that If you can afford that.

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 13:33

I agree with the counselling comment. He needs awareness of where his strengths and weaknesses which at the moment is a blind spot for him.

I also agree Re the background work to stay cutting edge. I imagine it's fast paced and you can be easily left behind. I think he would struggle with that too!

He finds the dealing with students but hard in academia. They are needing more and more support ( not surprising in a pandemic)- I think they come to him as he will go the extra mile from the people pleasing. The situations he gets himself in are his own making. They wouldn't occur if he put firm boundaries in.

I've said I will support him - life is too short to stick out a miserable job - but only with a clear plan.

OP posts:
Washimal · 10/02/2021 13:36

If he's miserable in his current career then he's not unreasonable to want to take steps to change it. But he can't just quit his job and plunge your family into financial uncertainty with no concrete plan. If he wants to learn to code in his free time and start applying for jobs then that's fair enough, but leaving a job before you've got another job to go to is madness unless you're independently wealthy or you have a high-earning partner who is happy to support you for as long as it takes to find something.

How sure is he that what his friends are telling him is completely reliable? I find it hard to believe that his newly acquired coding skills will be so in demand to be honest when my DH (who works for a tech company) is currently getting highly qualified senior level consultants with 20 years experience applying for low paid, entry level IT jobs because it's so intensely competitive out there due to redundancies. Surely if it was that easy to walk into a highly paid IT job with no experience everyone would do the same!