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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wanting to quit job

140 replies

Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 12:40

My DH has a relatively well paid, stable job which he has done for the last 10 years. He has had periods where he hates it (busy periods) and other times over summer where it's quieter and he is fine. It allows him to work from home and be flexible, however he works very long hours. He has made no attempt to change the way he works with his long hours or address stress. He is a bit a martyr and people pleaser and I am often shocked at how much he does for other people ( which isn't part of his job) it took him 7 years for the qualifications to get this job during that time I supported him finiacially.

He is now saying he will quit his job and learn coding in September and get a new job. He is basing this in his friends ( who work in jobs around IT) saying he will find a job easily and praising a website he made about 15 years ago.

I said I need to hear more information about what jobs are out There, what qualifications need etc salary before he makes this decision and we need to look at finiances ( I work PT) He doesn't have this information. He is very academically clever but has no drive or direction and it feels like he quits jobs to chase another he doesn't gave enough info on.

I know AINBU in insisting he actually has a plan before quitting a stable job in the middle of a pandemic but how the hell do I get him to listen?! I want to scream!!

OP posts:
tttigress · 10/02/2021 22:08

Speaking as an I.T. worker I would not recommend this. I know the lecturer salary isn't perfect, but I can't see him earning any more as a developer. Plus lectures get a decent pension, and other benefits (holidays?).

Maybe you could start him off by a coding course on Udemy, maybe in Python, you could suggest he try to incorporate it in his lecturing, then as time goes by he might realise it isn't so easy, especially when job losses start racking up in the private sector due to Covid.

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:12

@MedSchoolRat his PhD was not in stats but something niche and science based. He has since moved towards leading research and stats modules and this is now his area of teaching. I don't know how much this would effect his chances.

OP posts:
tttigress · 10/02/2021 22:12

Python and R would go very well with Statistics. Get him to build that into his course first.

TheNortherner · 10/02/2021 22:15

If he is into statistics then one growing area that this falls into with coding would be data analytics. It is being used for predictive modelling amongst other things. Not really related to a 15 year old website though.

Noranorav · 10/02/2021 22:15

I think you've already hinted at this but your husband needs to realise he's going to take himself into any job he goes to.

Long hours, pressure, needing boundaries with colleagues - these are all applicable to working as a developer. If he's a perfectionist and people pleaser, those traits will show up in any new job - can be even more so in a commercial, pressured environment.

Maybe your husband could benefit from some coaching? Not career advice which appears to be a symptom, but looking at his motivations and aspiration. Any career change that arises out of that is likely to be more 'sticky' and successful for him (and less stressful for you!). Good luck :)

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:16

@tttigress the salary wouldn't be a massive issue but the holiday and flexibility of work would. We could survive on my salary alone ft if we budgeted. It's job satisfaction for him. I want to make sure we are ok financially.

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 10/02/2021 22:16

[quote Dreamylemon]@MedSchoolRat his PhD was not in stats but something niche and science based. He has since moved towards leading research and stats modules and this is now his area of teaching. I don't know how much this would effect his chances.[/quote]
Oh, that makes it a bit less easy, tbh. As a PP said a PhD in statistics could practically write their own ticket a lot of places. The City are falling over themselves to hire them as quants.

Does he have any specific qualification in statistics or does he just lead in teaching it to undergrads & masters students? Data science & analysis would still be the most sensible pivot but potentially not as easy. But he could start looking at job ads and see to what extent he can evidence what they want.

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:19

@TheNortherner I know nothing about coding but even I cringe when he mentions the 15year old website he made ( which looked dated to me 15years ago)! 😅

OP posts:
TheNortherner · 10/02/2021 22:21

@Dreamylemon lol I meant the skill set is vastly different, but yes things have moved on a lot in 15 years.

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:22

@noranorav career coaching is probably what he needs, or mentoring. Another thing I know little of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:24

@respectabitch I just looked at a data science job and I think he could fit the criteria with the qualifications he has got and some coding experience. It's certainly worth a try.

OP posts:
79andnotout · 10/02/2021 22:27

I don't know where you are in the country but the bbc are very welcome for career changers and are always recruiting coders if he's willing to start on a lowish rung.

I sympathise - I was in academia and quit. It's not the golden age it used to be. I've been in the corporate world for over a decade and my working hours are a lot shorter. His perfectionism is a massive thorn in the side though. One of my direct reports is like that and it's a massive pain in the arse.

And to the poster who's husband wants to career change into horticulture - that has been my dream for years! The money is shite but the satisfaction is high. One of these days I'll make the move...

jay55 · 10/02/2021 22:28

If he works in stats, it would make a lot of sense if he moved into BI/MI reporting (on the development side). Then at least he'd have some domain knowledge and not be coming in cold.

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2021 22:28

Oh, that makes it a bit less easy, tbh. As a PP said a PhD in statistics could practically write their own ticket a lot of places. The City are falling over themselves to hire them as quants.
If he has struggled with academia he’s not going to cut it as a city quant. Excellent technical base needed, extremely practical approach as well - this perfectionist vibe would mean he never got anything done (they are perfectionist of course but differently to making sure they’ve spell checked, it’s making sure they are using good coding practice and that things work, but need to drop stuff / move on/ trouble shoot etc) I’d focus on data science.

XelaM · 10/02/2021 22:29

OP - if you want advice on coding-related career paths, like I said, that's my brother's career and he is super successful at it (even at 25). If your husband doesn't mind getting advice from a 25-year-old, my brother is a nice guy and very laid back and will be happy to give any advice.

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/02/2021 22:31

I’m in IT, wouldn’t recommend coding for an older person, most developers are younger and development projects can be v stressful lots of companies like full stack, or UX/UI experience not just one thing,
Might be better looking at Big Data, Data lake, data analysis, data shaping, BI reporting etc

Hardbackwriter · 10/02/2021 22:33

his PhD was not in stats but something niche and science based. He has since moved towards leading research and stats modules and this is now his area of teaching. I don't know how much this would effect his chances.

This and the fact he's not publishing would make me a bit nervous for his job long-term, to be honest - it doesn't sound like he's being treated as a researcher and that doesn't tend to lead anywhere good for academics (sadly - I think universities would be a lot better off if teaching weren't seen as the second-tier rung of work, but it still often is).

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:35

@timeisnotaline He would struggle to let something go if not right. He's completely anal! I'm sure that is a strength for some jobs

@79andnotout we are oop northish- limited opportunity to move with small ones settling in school

@XelaM That's a very kind offer. Not sure how to work it in without revealing I've been bitching about him on mumsnet!! 😅

OP posts:
katy1213 · 10/02/2021 22:35

How come you are not one of the people he chooses to please?

HairyToity · 10/02/2021 22:36

My husband does this on me. Different field of work though. He's the main breadwinner, and he always agreed with me, he can't quit job till he has another to go too. I don't mind a less well paid job, just something that we can get by on without money stresses. I'm quite frugal, and my part time job brings in 20k a year.

He's always too busy to work out this new direction though.

I left a job I hated in 2009. It was before children. I saw my savings dwindle to nothing in no time. I did eventually get a new better job, but it took a long time, and my finances suffered terribly.

Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:37

@Hardbackwriter I agree. His heart is not in it and although he seems to be at a fairly laid back uni, his career is going nowhere. I'm up for him making the right move

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 10/02/2021 22:39

@timeisnotaline

Oh, that makes it a bit less easy, tbh. As a PP said a PhD in statistics could practically write their own ticket a lot of places. The City are falling over themselves to hire them as quants. If he has struggled with academia he’s not going to cut it as a city quant. Excellent technical base needed, extremely practical approach as well - this perfectionist vibe would mean he never got anything done (they are perfectionist of course but differently to making sure they’ve spell checked, it’s making sure they are using good coding practice and that things work, but need to drop stuff / move on/ trouble shoot etc) I’d focus on data science.
Oh, I'm definitely not suggesting it as a career path for OP's husband. Just saying that the private sector prospects for a skilled statistician are very good. But you are right that that has to come with practicality and business or domain savvy, or at least the ability to acquire same.
Original poster
Dreamylemon · 10/02/2021 22:40

@katy1213 I've wandered this myself. I think it would be fair to say I also need to work on my assertiveness! He is, as I have said thoughtful and kind, but seems to have no insight about work matters or his own issues....

OP posts:
thesandwich · 10/02/2021 22:40

Is he on LinkedIn? With a profile showing his interests especially stats?
And following data science groups/ companies?
Look at vacancies and see which agencies are recruiting for them. Worth some conversations.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 10/02/2021 22:44

has he considered a different job within the / a university? One that is less student facing? It would need more political skills and would mean more meetings, though. Or try to get promoted in the area he's in e.g. to professor?