Husband wanting to quit job

[Dreamylemon]

My DH has a relatively well paid, stable job which he has done for the last 10 years. He has had periods where he hates it (busy periods) and other times over summer where it's quieter and he is fine. It allows him to work from home and be flexible, however he works very long hours. He has made no attempt to change the way he works with his long hours or address stress. He is a bit a martyr and people pleaser and I am often shocked at how much he does for other people ( which isn't part of his job) it took him 7 years for the qualifications to get this job during that time I supported him finiacially.

He is now saying he will quit his job and learn coding in September and get a new job. He is basing this in his friends ( who work in jobs around IT) saying he will find a job easily and praising a website he made about 15 years ago.

I said I need to hear more information about what jobs are out There, what qualifications need etc salary before he makes this decision and we need to look at finiances ( I work PT) He doesn't have this information. He is very academically clever but has no drive or direction and it feels like he quits jobs to chase another he doesn't gave enough info on.

I know AINBU in insisting he actually has a plan before quitting a stable job in the middle of a pandemic but how the hell do I get him to listen?! I want to scream!!

@thesandwich nope. He doesn't seem to have the skills for networking or drive to progress his career. He has been very lucky with jobs so far and his luck will only carry him so far.

I quite like this YouTuber who talks about the sort of stuff your husband might get into:

youtube.com/c/FlickThrough

But then again, that might get him too keen on switching. Personally I think he just needs to spend a few years incorporating coding into his courses, and also thinking about what he likes in the job, such as the summer holidays.

@thinkingisallowed he wouldn't be eligible to climb the ranks at uni as he is not publishing. He did go for a more management job but didn't get it. I'm glad he didn't as I don't think he is suited to managing people - too much conflict for him. I'm making him sound a spineless wimp here. He is a great guy but at the same time, sensitive, perfectionist, detail orientated. I couldn't do his job.

The other thing is not just the coding (in whatever form that takes) you are often told you have to use a system/application and then work out (sometimes within minutes!) how to use it yourself (Google is your friend and stackoverflow lol). As people have said, if he would feel embarrassed to ask questions of anyone then it is not for him. Also perfectionism is ok...lots of programmers would love to be perfectionists, but pragmatism (or the business decision) wins.
There is also a lot of politics/egos in IT and constant risk of projects being canned (and maybe you along with it) work being changed halfway through development so having to change what you have already done. How resilient is he?
He also maybe asked to take on responsibility for a team and then he would have to do people management/career management same as he is doing as a lecturer. The only way to get out of it is to be a contractor, but this has its own stresses and means that you absolutely have to stay out of the politics.

If he’s looking to move in technology and development the IT market will change quite considerably with the tax changes IR35 will bring in April this will stop a lot of the self employed contractors. Many of well paid development roles will be taken by very experienced ex contractors.

I think it's an absolutely insane plan. If he is good enough to make a living from coding then he needs to prove it in his spare time before quitting. The reality is that he won't earn the sorts of sums mentioned here as a junior developer.

@HairyToity

My husband does this on me. Different field of work though. He's the main breadwinner, and he always agreed with me, he can't quit job till he has another to go too. I don't mind a less well paid job, just something that we can get by on without money stresses. I'm quite frugal, and my part time job brings in 20k a year.

He's always too busy to work out this new direction though.

I left a job I hated in 2009. It was before children. I saw my savings dwindle to nothing in no time. I did eventually get a new better job, but it took a long time, and my finances suffered terribly.

Exactly this.

As I said earlier, it's very irresponsible and selfish to quit a job without one to go to, not to mention bloody stupid. Especially if you have kids/a family, (or even if you are married, and sharing a home and life with someone but don't have children...)

Some people seem to be under the impression that they can quit their job, go on a 6 week course at college in something they fancy, and then walk straight into a £65K a year job in the field of work they did their little course in.

In reality, you will have a loss of maybe quite a few 100 pounds (for the course,) and then several 1000 pounds a month loss (coz you'll have no salary.) And don't even think about claiming dole money, when you willingly gave up your job. Even if you are lucky enough to drop back into employment after just several months, you will still take a couple of years to recover financially.

It's an irresponsible fantasist who thinks it's a good idea to give up their job, in the hope of walking straight into another one. What are you going to say when the prospective employer asks why you left your last job? 'Oh I got bored and couldn't be arsed to stay, so I jacked it in.' Yeah THAT will impress them!!!

Many people would love to jack in their shitty boring job and work in a job/career doing something they love, chasing their dream, and living a blissfully happy life doing their dream job... be that an actor, writer, horticulturalist, singer, musician, astrophysicist, archaeologist, travel writer, running an animal sanctuary, forest ranger, etc etc etc... But in reality the vast majority of people will never do these jobs...

Sadly, for many people it IS just a dream ...

Coming from academia employers concern will be great you get the theory what can you actually do. Is there a topic he’s passionate about? Can he set up a blog with a monthly post on a new statistical / data view on this topic? Link to it on Insta or Twitter where he can also share cool views and insights as he works through things? A year of that would go a long way.

@TheNortherner I think he would be ok asking for help and like the challenge of problem solving. He'd hate work he spent hours on abandoned. Managing people I think would be hard for him too. He has done some management of people before but I doubt he has thought about that part of the job.

My DH is a senior software developer and head of technology for an internet company . . it took him ten years of hard graft and learning to get where he is and he started off on about 20k for his first job . . I'm not saying this to be unkind OP but learning some coding online and then walking into a 65k job as one poster suggested is just pie in the sky! He should do it by all means but it is a risky basket to put all of his eggs into.

@littlepattilou I think stress plays a big part in people who quit and walk out- not thinking straight or worried they cannot carry on. Quitting your job is better than having a breakdown

@timeisnotaline I suggested a similar thing to him- could he do a vlog on stats. His strength is he is friendly, approachable (his people pleasing skills!) and knows how to explain things simply. He would be good. Another good idea to build up a portfolio before he makes a jump.
This is what I mean about drive though. If you want to make the move I'd be getting my ducks in a row ( mumsnet favourite phrase).

I have a Twitter account I post interesting research in my field onto and to network in view of any new employer being likely to lookme up, or if I set up in private practice I already have some contacts, connections and a presence. It's not necessary at all in my current NHS job but you have to lay the foundations for the future- whatever that brings.....

@spicedlatte I'm under no illusion. He is on about £45 as a lecturer. I'm imagine a junior coder would start on half that - hence the serious discussions needed re money!

I've been reading this book - it has lots of good tips! It also doesn't tell you to just do it, it has practical advice on how to prepare for a move.

I'm the breadwinner and have been working out how much I need to save before jumping ship so I can keep my side of the finances going while I find my feet.

@littlefluffyclouds13 you don't need to rtft it has been established he is indeed woefully misinformed....

Hmm maybe didn't attach? Here's a link: www.amazon.co.uk/Escape-Manifesto-Corporate-Something-Different/dp/0857083627

I'm a software engineer and would certainly suggest looking towards the data science fields. It wouldn't take much to get in at mid level as the coding here is secondary from understanding the data/statistics.

If he thinks he can be a website developer he might be in for a shock. High pressure, lots of competition, whizz kids everywhere and the in thing changes every week. Nothing is ever 100% right and you have to decide where to compromise to meet commercial targets.

[quote Dreamylemon]@littlefluffyclouds13 you don't need to rtft it has been established he is indeed woefully misinformed....[/quote]
Dhs friend is a lecturer, he is totally envious of his friends work/life balance! Dh is now a senior developer but although his salary is decent, the hours he puts in and the immense stress really aren't worth it

If he is commutable to bbc media city in Salford he should check out the positions there, the devs there get paid less than in a corporate environment but the culture is more academic in nature, and there's a real emphasis on pushing the tech frontiers and seeing jobs through to completion, with lots of personal development thrown in. Lots of devs there are career changers. My DP was the same. He loves it!

Of course, it's all at risk in a few years when the charter is up for renewal but it might get him skilled up in the meantime.

They're all working from home at the mo and for the foreseeable, and it should be flexible working once they start filtering back.

@Dreamylemon

Anyone that is a lecturer are there any tips in managing his workload? I'm coming from a different job role but I still see he can put in boundaries to protect his time,speak to his boss about his workload etc?

I wish I could advise. DH is also a lecturer and he wakes at 4:30 each morning and gets started shortly after. His colleagues regular send 2am and 3am emails. And life at present seems to be all admin, rather than the bits he actually likes.

If he wants to retrain, I agree with others that he needs to go part time, not quit. He also needs to really think about his personality and strengths/weaknesses - otherwise he might simply move to a role that he’s not suited for.

Honestly there's nothing wrong with dreaming but does he even understand what 'coding' means?. He can't just leave a job and 'learn coding'. If he really wants to learn, he needs to do it on the side.
There are are many IT development jobs out there, that's true (although the salary depends very much on location and experience), and many of them will go to bright young things who have been coding since nappies (exaggeration - but you know what I mean)

I'm 46 and I never even used a computer till I started my degree - the first time I used the internet I was doing a masters in IT and I was 22 - it was netscape - I made a website - it was shit. Super shit. I was also shit at coding - just because you're intelligent doesn't mean you're cut out for certain jobs.
I battled by doing back end stuff (SQL) for years before I cut my losses and became a tester instead, because I understand how it all goes together, I just ain't good at doing it myself.
These days its very very complicated stuff going on and new languages becoming 'top dog' all the time. Even testing got more complicated - they want automated testers, which - shock horror - means you have to learn to code again. I did a course in it. I'm not very good at that either frankly. Therefore I'm very much stuck in old school jobs where they exist until I retire (thats fine by me - I just work to pay bills)

The problem with 'coding' roles is that these days many of them are outsourced to lower cost labour markets. There are still plenty of IT jobs around, but in my sector at least, we're really only employing mid-senior roles in Europe/Uk.

The entry level roles are mostly grad schemes or apprenticeships, which aren't really aimed at your DH demographic. IME the roles that are in good supply in the UK are generally those where being UK based is important for the role - either because there's a customer facing aspect and you're expected to do a certain amount of f2f, or there's a UK specific aspect to the role (eg working on projects that need security clearance or awareness of specific UK legislation or culture).

I'd say to do well in IT you either need to become a specialist in a niche area, be very good at self promotion, or move into senior management. Probably not so different from academia or other careers. This isn't to say moving to an IT role is a bad thing or should be discouraged, but the idea that you can spend a few hours learning coding and walk into a cushy job is somewhat unrealistic. Character flaws that he refuses to acknowledge will hold him back in IT just as much as any other career.

Talking of which, your DH sounds quite similar to me - being very detail orientated, with perfectionist tendencies. He either has to be able to let that go, or software development, for the most part will be a terrible fit. Software by its very nature has bugs, trying to write perfect code beyond a few lines will be a very quick descent into madness and no company will give him the amount of time he wants to perfect his code, so he'll either be frustrated that he's not meeting his own standards, or work all hours to do the work to the standard he feels it should be done (or both). This won't be appreciated by anyone he works with as time is always of the essence and no-one cares how perfect your code is if you missed the release date.

Your husband is saying you're not being supportive by pointing out pitfalls. I completely disagree. If he seriously wants to move then the most supportive thing you can do is help him chart a realistic course into new roles, including understanding the pros AND cons of them and how much work it will take to get there. Financial implications are of course a part of this.

My old manager made a similar jump from academia into private sector (finance) after visiting a life coach. She shared some of her insight with me but a key is to have a life review rather than just focusing on work. One of the first activities they get you to do is an honest evaluation of your skills, what you like and dislike doing and then scoping that against new roles. They also look at how much is shapeable by you through enhancing personal skills and boundaries vs what are core expectations of the job. If your DH is struggling to enforce boundaries now it will be harder in a new job where he's desperately trying to make a good impression.

I work in Uni research but had a stint doing BI for NHS a few years ago.

While on BI team, we had a personality type away day: 90% of our team were 'helpful' personalities. How OP describes her OH's personality is what most of us were like.

NHS BI does rather little true data analytics, but plenty of data extraction & interpretation & monitoring. If he can handle the corporate culture aspects (very active managers which was a shock after being a feral academic), NHS BI or something like an insurance company BI's team might suit him. NHS BI don't do statistics or true analysis compared to what we do in science.

For BI, Key skill to get is SQL which you can pick up from free tutorials. Understand RDBS. There are other 'BI tools': they are all basically about turning numbers into pictures for the decision makers. Not super clever analytics at all.

The true high pay (£40k+) in NHS or private sector BI is in managing teams of analysts, though, not in some kind of personal amazing programming or dataset skills.

DH does not have to manage others & has pay rate comparable to senior Uni lecturers by writing apps & data handling for websites (private sector company providing services to all sorts). His is insecure work of course since it's private sector, they can fire you at drop of a hat (when the revenue stream dries up or the business model changes, as it often does in private enterprise). He gets income security by having multiple little contracts with different employers.