Ask for you experiences going no contact with a parent

[VivienScott]

My mother is a narcissist and was horribly emotionally a to a certain extent physically abusive towards me as a child. The physical stuff only stopped when I hit her back as a teenager (I’m not proud of that by the way, but it did put an end to it)
I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with this and also a large family argument that happened over Xmas. Since then my mum has pestered me weekly by text and been quite abusive when I’ve not responded how she wants, e.g she asked if I’d “stopped sulking yet” when I responded that I wasn’t sulking I was in therapy and processing things, she responded that I was being a spoilt cow trying to ruin everything.
Any contact with her leaves me rattled for days and sets back my recovery, even though I know she’s in the wrong, so I need to go no contact and block her for my own sanity.
Has anyone who’s done this got any advice on how to get through it or any experience they can share?

I went nc with my narcissist mother when I was 33 and pregnant with my first child. I never spoke to her or had anything to do with her until her death just over four years later.
It was made easier by the fact I lived 450 miles away from her. I never regretted my decision, felt only regret that I had not done it years earlier, and did not attend her funeral.

Best thing I ever did. 6 years NC. I'd put up with so much abuse and been expelled from the family every time I stood up to her.

Eventually I said OK, enough is enough. I had to love myself enough to expel this horribly abusive woman from my life. In that time I've become much happier.
Just be warned, it will not be as easy as walking away and closing that door.

If she's anything like my mum anyway!

My mum forced my only family member who came to my wedding to leave halfway through.
Then sent my young daughter a card saying that I wouldn't be able to stop them being in her life for much longer.
Then tried to find a solicitor to take DD from me. No idea how that went but it was a message passed on via a sibling, that DD would be spending the rest of her childhood between her house and my grans house because they deserve DD. Funnily enough said sibling was at risk of losing her own child not long after, and I was the only family member considered at all appropriate as a possible temporary solution as I am estranged from the family and the only one not under SS support.

Then shes tried clawing her way back into my life on 3 or 4 separate occasions, usually when someone's died or dying. She wants DD there to say goodbye to people she doesn't even remember.

Just be prepared that you may need to cut out more than just her, you may lose the rest of your family and anyone who has any link to you from childhood because they have a way of twisting things to all be you.

Imagine living with serenity. It is a proactive task to achieve. It means cutting out the abusers.
Here is a link to no contact daughter to mother.
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/no-contact/

I've been no contact with both of my parents for just over 6 months and I'm in my mid-30s. I wish I'd done it earlier. I didn't because it took me two decades to realise that just because they hadn't been physically abusive, didn't mean that the alcohol problems and emotional abuse/neglect weren't severe. I've never married, never had kids, because I don't trust people and I'm scared of repeating the cycle.

Anyway - point being, if you have a therapist, that's worth its weight in gold. Mine has been a hero throughout. If a relationship isn't working for you, or is harming you, consider ending it. It isn't different just because it's a biological one.

(Stand Alone is a UK charity that's also a great resource.)

Good luck.

I moved a couple of hundred miles away when I was just 17. No mobiles back then, it was great.

That set the scene for me. I'm now 55 and have very very little contact with DPs at all. Just enough to know they are alive, to support DSis if she needs it!

It can be hard to say it out loud, but "Hey! I very deliberately have had almost no contact with my parents for almost 40 years" feels quite good to me!

I went lc with both of my parents when my ds was born and nc about 6 years later.
My parents went through the roof when they realised that I'd blocked them on everything. Turning up at my home, dcs schools and kicking off. I had dozens of letters too. In the end I had no choice but to involve the police (which only made them worse) I eventually got a non mol order.
They then tried to take me to court over access to my dc . They failed.
It's been 3 years since they last did or said anything and its been bliss like a massive wait has been lifted and I no longer have to worry about what they will say or do next.
What I'm saying is that your mum will push back but if you stick with it it will be worth it in the long run

I'm on the other side OP. My daughter shut her door in my face over seven years ago because I called her second husband a racist and a fascist (which he is).

I have never regretted going NC with my abusive mother.

I just stopped contacting her one day, stopped taking her calls, answering her messages, blocked her and her husband (not my DF) on SM. For a while she tried to contact me a lot, then my kids, then the flying monkeys came (aunts, cousins, old school friends). I have ignored it all. Her letters go in the bin. Her gifts go to the charity shops. Five years in, I still get the occasional card. I did worry that she might arrive on my doorstep one day, but turns out she’s not really that bothered.

It’s liberating to be this free. No one in my life is ever abusive to me now.

Good luck @VivienScott

@TheWernethWife

I'm on the other side OP. My daughter shut her door in my face over seven years ago because I called her second husband a racist and a fascist (which he is).

You can have hope that she might come to her senses. I hope she does, if he is as bad as you probably suspect he is!

I DID come to my senses, that's why I am NC with my parents.

I went NC with my father then I got pg with dd.
I decided that I wasn’t going to expose her to his shit - he was a Narc. I know lots of people throw that term around but I did some training around MH and personality disorders and when it cane to the section on Narcissism it might as well have had a photograph of my father there.
Luckily for me he decided to completely blame DH and didn’t even try to get in touch, I think he tried to harass me via my brother but he was pretty LC and a bit of a Narc himself so never got involved and he was divorced from my mum by then. So it was quite easy for me
I didn’t go to the hospital when he was dying (had heard that one so many times before ironically) or his funeral and have no regrets
whatsoever
I did miss having a Dad and when I was younger there was a lot of fun ( mostly slightly insane unsafe fun but you dont realise that as a child) but I don’t miss him personally and not having to deal with him was great

Curious don't think so. Someone asked her if she was ever going to speak to me again. Oh no, she said, that ship's sailed.

Its her loss, I have other children who she cut off at the same time. They have no idea what goes on in her head.

@TheWernethWife that has to be hard.

I prefer not to consider what my DPs think. I have some idea that DF brags about what DSis and I have achieved, as though he has been the arcitect of our 'success'. His ego won't allow the truth n!

How can name change say her mum does not show up on her door step because "she's not really that bothered"? You have chosen to go no contact, ignored all her attempts to contact you and then make that statement; she is complying with the choice you made and at the same time getting slighted for not trying to see you. My son has gone nc with us both, a thing of great grief - we follow his rules to the letter in the hope he will see how we are trying to work toward a reconciliation and now you imply we are at fault if we stick to the rules. Good heavens, damned if we do damned if we don't. Do you have any idea when there has been no reason for such action how it hurts.

How can name change say her mum does not show up on her door step because "she's not really that bothered"? You have chosen to go no contact, ignored all her attempts to contact you and then make that statement; she is complying with the choice you made and at the same time getting slighted for not trying to see you. I think you are projecting your feelings on to that post.

The point she was making was that whilst her mum is happy to cause all sorts of ructions online etc she won't actually put herself out far enough to travel. It's a symathy play rather than a real desire to make any changes.

And I have to say that if my DPs claimed they were following my rules in the hope we could have a reconciliation I'd probably move again! I don't want to see them do anything! Any time I have to see or hear from them it only makes my resolve not to do so again stronger!

And I am sure both of my DPs think we have no contact for no reason whatsoever.

I did it about 14 years ago and I am so much happier and healthier without them in my life. I have had space to heal and space to reflect without having to firefight their ongoing shit

To begin with there was a lot of processing of grief over the relationship we could have had so be ready for that

Do you have any idea when there has been no reason for such action how it hurts.

Very, very few people would do something as self-injurious as cut off a parent for no reason at all.

My parents complied entirely with my request of NC. No texts, calls, letters, visits, anything. I try my absolute hardest to remind myself that this is a sign of them respecting the boundary and a good thing. Sometimes I'm plagued by the thought that it means they don't care. I think it's natural to feel it, even if it's illogical. NC is a really difficult thing for all parties.

I went NC with my narcissistic SM in April and extremely LC with my enabling Dad at the same time. Only keep very light contact as my DGM lives with them and I get an occasional update on her.

It is hard to process it all and grieve and I am having CBT. However knowing that I never have to have contact with a narcissist again is such a relief. I don't think I will feel truly free until they are both dead though which sounds awful but there we go.

Both claim they have no idea why I have done what I have but fortunately my DAunt has witnessed their behaviour over the years so I have someone I can talk to.

@trixies

Very, very few people would do something as self-injurious as cut off a parent for no reason at all

Oh they would .My daughter who is very LC with us and her siblings has invented reasons to justify NC and then been called out on it when the truth emerged . This has happened at least twice .
Eg She reported to grandparents ,that other relatives had said things to third parties about her . Third party denied it ever being said .

She does it to justify continued LC /NC. Yes she has MH issues, but that doesn’t make it any easier . I am sure there are other things that have made her go NC with us but I fear her MH issues have twisted reality for her so much so she cannot differentiate between the two .

I fear her MH issues have twisted reality for her so much so she cannot differentiate between the two .

That's what my mother has said about me. It's not true, she just doesn't want to admit the truth

Even if what you are saying is true, unless your daughter is hundreds of people @trixies point still stands

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney She may well fall into the category of "very, very few people". I've just not seen a parent with an NC child say anything other than "it's for no reason" or "they're mentally ill". It happens, but it's too rare to account for the statistics on family estrangement.

I feel this is getting a bit off topic for @VivienScott - one of the reasons why FB groups are exclusively separated between NC adult children and parents of NC adult children.

Sorry @VivienScott
I was taking my lead from other posters who were speaking from the other side .

I went NC with my dad for 10 years when I was in my mid 20s. He was trying to bully and control me as if I were still the small, scared child I had been. I did eventually get back in touch in a very controlled way...I felt strong enough to cope with him and the relationship was much more on my terms that it ever had been before. I don't regret the NC and I dont regret getting back in touch. He died not long after so I guess I felt all the loose ends had been tidied up.

Interesting thread, I suppose that it shows that there are two sides to every story. At least in the minds of the people involved. When you only hear one side ("my parents are abusive" or "my son in law is a racist") it is impossible to pick apart the rights and wrongs of the individual situation. What I mean is, I am certain that the mother in the OP's case genuinely believes she is doing nothing to warrant her child going NC, despite how obvious it is to anyone who is removed from the situation.

My advice is go for it, if there is a toxic environment you need to either treat the cause of the toxicity or remove it entirely. Treating an abusive mother isn't an option, so NC is the only alternative. The important thing is to remember it's a permanent move. It's too easy to forget how awful people are when we have no contact with them - rose-tinted spectacles and all that. Once you've gone NC, stay NC, no matter they or other relatives try to persuade you to change your mind or they try to make amends.