Ask for you experiences going no contact with a parent

[VivienScott]

My mother is a narcissist and was horribly emotionally a to a certain extent physically abusive towards me as a child. The physical stuff only stopped when I hit her back as a teenager (I’m not proud of that by the way, but it did put an end to it)
I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with this and also a large family argument that happened over Xmas. Since then my mum has pestered me weekly by text and been quite abusive when I’ve not responded how she wants, e.g she asked if I’d “stopped sulking yet” when I responded that I wasn’t sulking I was in therapy and processing things, she responded that I was being a spoilt cow trying to ruin everything.
Any contact with her leaves me rattled for days and sets back my recovery, even though I know she’s in the wrong, so I need to go no contact and block her for my own sanity.
Has anyone who’s done this got any advice on how to get through it or any experience they can share?

I'm on the precipice of this at the moment. I've been having a terrible few weeks after trying to talk to my parent about the abuse I faced as a child, and who won't accept what they did. It's been a horrendous and lonely time reliving it again. Unfortunately their response to me talking about the abuse is what is driving me to go NC. If they had just responded as a loving parent
might have, perhaps I could have moved towards forgiveness.
I very much doubt that many people would put themselves through the pain of going NC for no reason. Unfortunately a lot of emotionally abusive people refuse to accept their children's feelings as valid or think that abuse is only physical.

Nc with both dps (divorced when I was a baby). 10 years nc with dm then had cause to contact her (legal matter) regretted it within 2 weeks. Lasted just over a year. Been nc since 2012...she did send a woe is me letter and a few texts. I wrote back that I was sorry we couldn't have a dm /dd relationship anymore. She left me alone.
Df remarried and she never hid her hatred for me.. Df saw my dc for about 7 years then he won big money and they moved. I left it a few years and did call him... Sm shouted down the phone no room for my dc. Not sure why as they never had dc alone never mind overnight!! I stopped ringing. Been 21 years. He has no idea how many dc I have or where we live.

The only person who is an absolute cow his is your mother.

Good on you on having therapy, it will help you to understand that loving parents don’t treat their kids this way.

As for hitting- sadly sometimes to retaliate is the only way to stop it. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Go NC if you can- if your mother can’t/won’t understand basic rules of having civilised relationship then she’s not worth of having one.

You are a separate person and as such should be treated with respect by anybody including your mother.

I know a few people who are NC with their close family members.

We are NC with some as well.

I don’t know anybody who goes NC without a reason. There is usually an incident triggering NC that is a proverbial last straw after years and years of bad treatment.
Sadly the offenders play DARVO and go round family wailing “what have I done to deserve this” and said family ostracises the real victim(person going NC) as they are painted as the bad ones by the villains.

Good riddance albeit it hurts that they choose to believe just one (and twisted) version of events.

After NC... peace, no shit being thrown my way,no drama.

I have gone NC with sister and mum a year ago.
Took me a while to realise how toxic they both were.

My sister is a narcissist and also has MH issues which she fails to address, my mum enables her. They'd guilt me into giving them money which was never used for what it was supposedly intended for, would cause constant arguments about me never seeing them even though I'd go a few times a week, and they couldn't be bothered to see me.

They stopped me from going to my own grandmothers funeral because it wasn't "a good idea", they always have to be in control.

The final straw was when my sister tried to break into my flat while I was pregnant. She was caught on CCTV and yet she denied it, and my mum also covered for her.

I still feel a lot of anger and hate even though I now have a quiet life, definitely think counselling would be beneficial. It might be something you want to look into.

Good luck

Thank you Trixies for trying to understand how difficult it is. Will leave the thread now

I read about children thinking their parents had all these faults but why about us children we had faults as well. Nobody is perfect. My parents weren't always supportive of me but on the whole they loved me and were there for me. They had my back and tbh there's nobody quite like a mum or dad. I never cut off from then and glad I didn't. Mum is dead now and miss her like mad faults and all. Please remember nobody is perfect. If there is more good than bad though I would hang on in there.

@dottypotter

I read about children thinking their parents had all these faults but why about us children we had faults as well. Nobody is perfect. My parents weren't always supportive of me but on the whole they loved me and were there for me. They had my back and tbh there's nobody quite like a mum or dad. I never cut off from then and glad I didn't. Mum is dead now and miss her like mad faults and all. Please remember nobody is perfect. If there is more good than bad though I would hang on in there.

Do you honestly think people go NC with their parents just because they are not perfect? Thank fuck there is nobody in my life like my Mum or Dad they were horrible abusive people.

@dottypotter

I read about children thinking their parents had all these faults but why about us children we had faults as well. Nobody is perfect. My parents weren't always supportive of me but on the whole they loved me and were there for me. They had my back and tbh there's nobody quite like a mum or dad. I never cut off from then and glad I didn't. Mum is dead now and miss her like mad faults and all. Please remember nobody is perfect. If there is more good than bad though I would hang on in there.

This made me chuckle. Going through the pain of going NC just because my parents weren't perfect?! My parents didn't love me and weren't there for me and didn't have my back. If they had done those things I wouldn't have gone NC!

@dottypotter

I read about children thinking their parents had all these faults but why about us children we had faults as well. Nobody is perfect. My parents weren't always supportive of me but on the whole they loved me and were there for me. They had my back and tbh there's nobody quite like a mum or dad. I never cut off from then and glad I didn't. Mum is dead now and miss her like mad faults and all. Please remember nobody is perfect. If there is more good than bad though I would hang on in there.

Spoken like a person who has never been through the heartbreak of making that decision

I agree with so many posts here, it is liberating but can be difficult when the parent or outsiders even, dosn’t make it easy.

My mother is a controlling, selfish manipulative narcissists. I’m currently NC, been now for 3 years, the hardest part was my DCs asking for her and my DBs DC as, as others have said it sometimes means cutting other family members out. It’s not the first time I’ve gone NC, I did for about 6 years, I only let my DPs back in my life when my first DC was born because I wanted her to have a relationship with my family, mainly my dad. I don’t regret it as I got a few years seeing my Dad while he was still alive but I always knew that one day it would go bad again. Unfortunately my Dad enabled her their entire marriage, I think he stared to see the truth towards the end. As a result my DB who has always been her baby won’t have anything to do with me. I’ve not gone NC with my other DB, buts it’s quite obvious he dosnt see me to make life easier for him. I’ve actually avoided speaking to relatives because I don’t want the hassle of getting lectures about my mother as there is one face for them and another for me. Plus they see her as the poor widow these days. I would love to tell them what she really thinks about them, but that would make me as bad as her.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking after some time that maybe you blew it out of proportion and things may not be that bad. I’ve done that and regretted it.

If you can get counselling or even have a good friend who is supportive that you can off load to that will help as you will have all sorts of emotions going on. I still occasionally get a pang of guilt, sadness, resentment but I’m able to process it better these days after talking to a counsellor.

@dottypotter

I read about children thinking their parents had all these faults but why about us children we had faults as well. Nobody is perfect. My parents weren't always supportive of me but on the whole they loved me and were there for me. They had my back and tbh there's nobody quite like a mum or dad. I never cut off from then and glad I didn't. Mum is dead now and miss her like mad faults and all. Please remember nobody is perfect. If there is more good than bad though I would hang on in there.

Thank you for expressing this insightful, compassionate point of view.

@dottypotter Repeating what I said earlier. Very, very few people would do something this self-injurious for no reason. I’d extend that a bit further: very, very few would do it because their parents weren’t perfect. It is an extraordinarily difficult and traumatic thing to do, and I struggled on for two decades because I kept telling myself that I wasn’t perfect either, we all make mistakes, they did the best they could.

It made me miserable.

Your parents loved you and had your back. That’s fantastic. My parents loved me, but they weren’t capable of being parents. They weren’t perfect, and they weren’t monsters - they were that tricky bit in the middle where you have panic attacks being around them, where you have flashbacks, nightmares and week-long depression after being in their company at Christmas, and you feel like you’re the one with the problem.

I’m not perfect. The difference is that I did not choose to have children despite being seriously unfit to parent and then take it out on those children. If you have fond memories of your imperfect parents then I’m honestly glad for you. I don’t. I have fear, guilt, anger, and grief.

Please be careful. If a friend or colleague said this to me I’d be gutted.

I went nc with my father for the last 10 years of his life. It was temporary but having dd1 made me realise I could never resume contact.

My earliest memories are of severe violence toward my mother.

I was cut out of his will. Which is darkly funny because in his lifetime he used to threaten to disinherit my paternal half sisters if they didn't pander. So he actually got to follow through on it with me. Expect he enjoyed that.

My paternal half sister are minimal and no contact with me because I went nc with my father. Minimal contact sister is fully aware of why. They just pretend it didn't happen. They weren't in the home then anyway.

My father smashed my mother's head so hard against the ceramic toilet bowl once it broke. I'm surprised she even survived that attack.

@dottypotter

Nobody knows whether they are unfit to parent. Anyway even if you cut off from your parents it's still not perfect you then haven't got any parents. Your just swapping one problem for another. Cutting parents off just leads to other problems.

My father raped me violently for years and my mother let him get on with it so she could have a nice life. I'm pretty bloody certain my life is better without them in it. And cutting them off has solved more problems for me than it's caused

@dottypotter I’m not striving for perfection. I’m striving for not being abused. Nobody would ever say that a woman shouldn’t leave an abusive spouse because she was just swapping him for the problem of being alone.

I will survive being estranged. I’m not clear that I would’ve survived another 20 years of being in their lives.

Also, of course nobody knows for certain what kind of parent they’ll be. There’s a difference between being imperfect at times and saying the wrong thing, and being emotionally abusive and/or addicted to alcohol, and unprepared to do anything about it.

I honestly think we’re talking about such different things here that I’m not surprised you can’t get your head around cutting your parents out of your life.

I was no contact with my father for over 25 years best thing I ever did. Only one of my siblings kept in touch with him and he was so nasty to her. When he died no one from his family went to his funeral none of his siblings cousins or children. It’s only since he died I feel that I can forgive him.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It’s so hard to break the hard wiring I guess and self doubt does creep in. I’m keeping the abusive messages and a diary of how I’ve felt to remind me of why I’m doing this and to discuss with my therapist. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future if I ever feel strong and healed enough to overlook it, but I can’t see that happening for a while.
Regarding none of us being perfect, part of my therapy has been looking at myself seeing behaviours I’ve taken from my mother that are harmful. While I’m not perfect and never claimed to be, I’ve been over my behaviours and issues I don’t believe the fault for my mothers behaviour lies with me.

Your Mum sounds like a carbon copy of mine. I went no contact. She turns up on my doorstep from time to time (despite me moving and not telling her or new tenants/neighbours where we moved to).

No regrets. My life is far less complicated. Helps that my siblings also went no contact. Last time she turned up after many years of no contact, she hadn't changed a bit!

And yes, there is a grieving process. Grieving for the parent you never had. I couldn't talk about my Mum for about 15 years without getting upset. I physically shake if she turns up on my doorstep.

I had therapy about 20 years ago. When I told him all that Mum had done to me and my siblings he looked visibly angry. It was a shock hearing it from someone else that it was abuse. You know it in your mind deep down but it was a huge shock having a professional say it out loud. It did help me come to terms with it though.

I'll never let her know my children.

Ime resuming contact just reminded me of why we were nc. No scope for moving forward when she was exactly the same sadly. Don't have any wistful ideas things can ever be different op... The more confidently you accept this is it now the happier you will be... Holding out for a better relationship wil keep you that bit anxious about the future.. Without her it can be exactly as you choose from now on. I sometimes smile knowing dm would be enraged about bits of my life... The ddogs I have, the fact I don't iron!! That the house isn't spotless. My life, my choices, great dh - she never wanted me to have one. She was never happier when I was a single dm just like her..
Grieve for the dm you wish you had. Then move on.

Several years ago I was recommended a book called, when you and your mother can’t be friends. I bought it but could not bring myself to read it. I wasn’t ready at the time to face up to a lot, I just wanted to hide away from it. Reading this thread though I think I’m going to finally read it as it’s supposed to be very helpful.

My mum was a drug addict growing up, sexually abused by her dealers whilst she was out of it. She replaced drugs for alcohol and is still as toxic. She messages me on the odd occasion but I have no problem not hearing from her.

She has caused me years of emotional and physical trauma, she rings me when she's drunk (I don't answer) and refuses to get help so I'm basically NC with my Mum.

I'm so sorry to hear of your upbringing OP and hope you find peace xxx