Ask for you experiences going no contact with a parent

[VivienScott]

My mother is a narcissist and was horribly emotionally a to a certain extent physically abusive towards me as a child. The physical stuff only stopped when I hit her back as a teenager (I’m not proud of that by the way, but it did put an end to it)
I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with this and also a large family argument that happened over Xmas. Since then my mum has pestered me weekly by text and been quite abusive when I’ve not responded how she wants, e.g she asked if I’d “stopped sulking yet” when I responded that I wasn’t sulking I was in therapy and processing things, she responded that I was being a spoilt cow trying to ruin everything.
Any contact with her leaves me rattled for days and sets back my recovery, even though I know she’s in the wrong, so I need to go no contact and block her for my own sanity.
Has anyone who’s done this got any advice on how to get through it or any experience they can share?

@dottypotter

You have just shown your total ignorance, your attitude is precisely why people are reluctant to speak openly about it. Reread the thread today then sit and have a think Your comments are very hurtful

I am not ignorant but i think todays generation are selfish and cut people off for no reason really. Sometimes people rewrite their whole childhoods. Some people are really bloody horrible to their parents. There is no respect. You must also think of the message you are giving to your own kids.

please try and see it from all angles too.

You've heard from people on this thread who have been abused by their parents: raped by their dads, in my case beaten and abused by both my parents. They don't magically stop that kind of behaviour and some of their behaviour is completely unforgiveable. You just can't get past it.

People don't have to justify themselves to you. But perhaps you need to keep those kinds of opinions to yourself as you obviously have no idea what you're talking about.

Yes, I am NC with my mum because she married a man who sexually abused his own children (and she also holds weird views about children and sexually inappropriate behaviour that is quite worrying). It's a horrible decision to have to make and it's not the path I ever wanted to take in my life. My mum and I had a wonderful relationship growing up and I never in a million years saw this coming. But now because she is being emotionally manipulated by her partner, she's also become quite emotionally abusive herself (never mind the obvious risks they both pose to our dc). I am sad it couldn't have been different, but it's such a relief to not have her around anymore dropping bombs on my life.

I am teaching my DS that if someone abuses you then it is fine to cut contact with that person. I want my DS (and all children) to know that you never have to tolerate abuse.

My parents abused me so much that I now struggle to hold down a job as I can't deal with stress or conflict, have awful nightmares which can affect me for days and have very low self esteem. But hey I guess I have just rewritten history.

I fought for years to maintain a relationship with my parents and even when I cut off contact with my SM I offered my dad the opportunity to have another chance but he chose to reject it.

I'd give anything to have had a normal upbringing.

but what is normal?

@dottypotter

Are you a parent who's child has gone no contact?

*not true but what is a serious reason.!!! AS i have said before also its down to the child because children who have been removed from their parents care due to neglect still seek them out when they are older.

I think sometimes you have to think what are you teaching your own children too.*

It's my post you're responding to, but you surely can't include me here? Thankfully, my abusive parent is dead, but surely, if he were alive I would be justified in going no contact, considering that he sexually abused my DSis and me? I'm still in contact with my DM, though the relationship is difficult.

As to your other point, that's incredibly naive. It isn't necessarily about wanting a relationship in such circumstances; sometimes it's about getting answers not about wanting a relationship with the birth parents.

I'm an adoptive mum to two DDs (11 and 8) who are birth siblings. Maybe they will seek out their birth parents or maybe not. We'll support them either way. Meantime, we are their parents, as their adoption orders confirm, and we're the ones they call Mummy and Daddy.

Can you possibly take note of what people are actually saying? You don't seem to want to understand any other point of view from your own.

@dottypotter You heard that therapists encourage keeping up no contact from where, exactly? I've had therapy for two decades and not once has a therapist expressed a personal view on what I should do. That's not their role. I approached a therapist about reconciliation sessions with my parents, and they advised on a fairly big number of them. Were they encouraging the maintenance of the relationship in order to financially benefit, in your view?

Some of your comments on this thread have honestly been awful. I can't see what possible benefit you're getting out of this, and you're certainly not helping the OP.

My mother let her partner abuse me from toddlerhood to early adulthood so although she'd never done anything directly to me, it was the constant turning a blind-eye that drove me apart from her over the years. One day I stood up to her and we had a big row. I told her everything and that I felt like she didn't care about me. She laughed and said 'well maybe you're right' and honestly as soon as those words left her mouth it was like something just went off in my brain and I just thought I don't have to put myself through having anything to do with her any longer. Turned around on the spot and physically walked away. Zero contact from then on.

Had initial support from victim support then longer term therapy and came out the other side. Life is great now and I'm really, truly happy. I will never, ever see her again or have anything to do with her ever again, not even when she's dying. All happened nearly a decade ago and I'm so glad I broke free. Do it if you think it's right op. I hope you find peace soon like I did

That said, until it happened to me I really couldn't understand how anything could get so bad that you wouldn't be able to have your parent in your life anymore. I certainly never thought it would be something I'd have to deal with. Not that I would have thought that people who did go NC were terrible people, but I would have just thought that there was something very different about their lives and their relationships with their parents then my own.

But the destruction that has been caused in my family by my mum and her partner and their choices (which unfortunately also involve her knowing he has engaged in sexually abusive behaviour with children since his original offences, that he was arrested and convicted of, but working very actively to normalise it and pretend its fine behaviour between adults and children), it's just been something that is no way to ever come back from. It's destroyed my trust in the people I trusted the most.

I tried very hard for a long time to heal that relationship and try to find a way that we could still have a relationship but not involving my dc and not involving her partner. But literally every conversation with her turns around to what a horrible evil person I am for not understanding that what he did wasn't really that bad, how horrible his daughters are (who he sexually abused) and how much trouble they have caused them (they have been NC since they were late teens, we're all now 30s and 40s), what a cruel person I am for not letting them have contact with my dc, etc, etc.

The cost on my mental health and my actual physical health has been horrific (as a result of the stress, I became physically ill and now in the process of likely being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease). I couldn't keep doing that to myself or confusing my children about what if any relationship they would have with their grandmother who dipped in and out of their life being shouty and mean every couple of months. Literally I would feel well, be happy, family life would be great, and she'd pop up every month or two sending me abusive messages about what an awful person I am and how terrible I have been for not overlooking all of this. There comes a point when you recognise that your own wellbeing and that of your family is more important than maintaining any sort of relationship with a biological parent.

I think until you've reached that point where you literally can't go on without freeing yourself from someone doing this to you over and over again, it's incredibly difficult to imagine how horrific it is and also what a change it can make when you don't have to live in that cycle anymore, with your heart dropping to your stomach every time someone knocks on the door unannounced or a message comes through on your phone.

I went NC when my DD was about 4 weeks old. My DH had previously tried to convince me to 'heal the rift'. He quickly saw that the issue wasn't on my side and then fully stood by my decision.

My gran tries to tell me stuff that's happening but I cut her off and tell that I don't want to know (her memory is a bit wonky now) and we carry on about something else.

I've literally never looked back. We haven't had a single conversation in years and I'm a better parent and person for it.

I've had lots of therapy to help me come to terms with what happened, and no one ever said I should go no contact with my DM. They helped me process my anger with her, but they never told me what kind of relationship I should have with her going forward. That isn't the therapist's role at all.

I went NC with my narcissistic, manipulative Mum 5 years ago. I so wish I'd done it sooner. I'd have saved myself a lot of stress.

I stopped responding to her calls and texts totally, because she triggers anxiety in me to the point of palpitations and I don't see why by virtue of giving birth to me, she affords herself the right to blight my life.

I had a bad relationship with my siblings for years due to my Mum's "games" of lying about us to each other. Basically she didn't get on with my Dad yet chose to stay with him, and take her bitterness out on her children.

All except my brother who is her golden child and yet, has turned out to be lovely. We are close and she can't bear it.

I do look at friends and wish my Mum was like theirs. But I don't want to even be in the same room as her. She is toxic, and dislikes women generally.

You just have to go on with life OP, and cherish the relationships you do have. Friends, partner, children etc. Your life will be better without her influence in it.

Be aware she'll try every trick in the book to get you in her clutches again. Messages via siblings, turning up on your doorstep etc. Be strong and keep her away. You know why you want to go NC. Live your life and don't look back. I'm not saying it's easy. But it can be done.

I am not ignorant but i think todays generation are selfish and cut people off for no reason really. Sometimes people rewrite their whole childhoods. Some people are really bloody horrible to their parents. There is no respect. You must also think of the message you are giving to your own kids.

Dotty please answer yes or no: do you feel your attitude towards people who go NC with parents includes people who went NC because their parent was a child rapist? Or otherwise seriously abusive?

DH went NC with his parents 10 years ago now. We had to be quite robust in the beginning as they wouldn’t leave us alone- turning up at the house (so we moved), calling (so we screen their calls), sending letters to his work (he does read them, but they go in the bin). We still have flying monkeys contacting him occasionally- the last was his childhood acquaintance’s Mum via email 🙄 Anything like that is deleted. They’ve even written to my parents to ask them to make him/ us see sense.

@dottypotter

I'd give anything to have had a normal upbringing.

but what is normal?

I would have liked to have lived in a house that has normal disagreements and quarrels that didn't turn into manipulation and violence. I would have preferred to have not been used as a sex toy by an older relative. I would have preferred to have not been called slag, bitch, slut etc by people who should have looked out for me. I would have preferred to have not been terrified of losing my mother because she told me she was dying of cancer (I was 12). I would have preferred to have not been an emotional and physical punchbag. I would prefer that my mother actually likes me for all the things I've tried to do for her despite the shocking things she accuses me of. I've started to stand up for myself after years of of this because I will not allow it any more.

It's not taken lightly. I think you have zero insight into the sheer toxicity of these environments and I'm actually grateful that you've not experienced it. I and many others have not had that luxury/normality.

If I knew you in real life, I'd be distraught and frankly, devastated at your lack of insight and support.

they were that tricky bit in the middle where you have panic attacks being around them, where you have flashbacks, nightmares and week-long depression after being in their company at Christmas, and you feel like you’re the one with the problem.

@trixies oh my god this describes my situation 100%. I'm struggling so much to make sense of it. If thats how it feels does that mean protecting myself is warranted? But surely that would make me even more scared as well? How does one know whats the right thing to do.

I am not ignorant but i think todays generation are selfish and cut people off for no reason really. Sometimes people rewrite their whole childhoods. Some people are really bloody horrible to their parents. There is no respect. You must also think of the message you are giving to your own kids

Today's generation?! I'm 58. I went NC with my Mother when I was 53.

Without my narcissistic, manipulative, lying (amongst many other things) Mother my life is much happier and I wish I'd detached from her malevolence many years ago.

Your commentary is weird

The message I am giving to my kids is that there comes a point where you decide that a relationship has a toxic effect on you and so it’s ok to step away from it, even if you happen to be related to the person.

@lalalalands At risk of starting dotty off again, one thing I've come to accept through therapy is that your body keeps the score. I couldn't live with those symptoms, and I tried over twenty years to learn to minimise them or to overcome them, but couldn't do it. So ultimately I had to be like, this isn't good for me to have in my life.

Protecting myself hasn't made me more scared, thankfully. It's like someone has taken their foot off my neck and I'm starting to understand and know myself for the first time, without fear. It's an absolute gift, even though it's been - and still is - incredibly, incredibly hard.

Yes. But get some therapy as it will bring up so many difficult feelings and can impact on other relationships.

*dottypotter
I'd give anything to have had a normal upbringing.
*
but what is normal?

This is so true. My childhood would have seemed to other people be a 'normal upbringing'. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

@trixies Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it! I'm glad it worked out so well for you, knowing yourself for the first time without fear sounds wonderful and absolutely worth it. xx

Thank you @trixies. It was your comment that inspired me to post so I really appreciate your kind words.
I'm sorry for what you went through too None of us deserved what happened to us.