Ask for you experiences going no contact with a parent

[VivienScott]

My mother is a narcissist and was horribly emotionally a to a certain extent physically abusive towards me as a child. The physical stuff only stopped when I hit her back as a teenager (I’m not proud of that by the way, but it did put an end to it)
I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with this and also a large family argument that happened over Xmas. Since then my mum has pestered me weekly by text and been quite abusive when I’ve not responded how she wants, e.g she asked if I’d “stopped sulking yet” when I responded that I wasn’t sulking I was in therapy and processing things, she responded that I was being a spoilt cow trying to ruin everything.
Any contact with her leaves me rattled for days and sets back my recovery, even though I know she’s in the wrong, so I need to go no contact and block her for my own sanity.
Has anyone who’s done this got any advice on how to get through it or any experience they can share?

Thanks for replying @CuriousaboutSamphire. It's really helpful to hear about other people's experiences, although I'm sorry you went though it
That's a great idea to say statements out loud to remind myself why I am going through with NC. I've started doing it today already!

No problem @OhTinnitus

I've had 35+ years practice and it still needs to be said every now and then!

I am repeating it today. DF texted about them having had their covid vaccines. I have replied in a friendly and supportive manner. But DH is working away and I am now sat here alone waiting for the text, wondering what the sting in the tail will be!

Chances are that will be it for another few months... but occasionally DF surpasses himself and I fear that happening again, and again, and again...

I'm finding the dual perspective on this thread interesting too. Sorry if for others it's off topic.

I read stately homes the other day and a lot of it resonated. And I am sure there are some ppl who have had a terrible old time of it, but there seemed to also be some who might have had a similarly bad time as me but who had gone nc and who felt it was certainly abuse etc.

I don't feel that strongly... my mother was an alcoholic, is still. I've blocked out much of my childhood. She was horrid to me sometimes. I had a gynae condition as a teen which she failed to acknowledge or deal with even though she was a doctor. She found out id gone on the pill (which was for said condition) and called me a slut etc. I had a serious bf who I was too scared to sleep with so was still a virgin! General lack of emotional support or engagement over many years and volatile behaviour.

But... She had her own past family trauma and a bad marriage. It was the drink talking. She tried so hard in so many ways and just failed a bit. I don't resent it I think we are all human. Now we have something of a relationship, we are not super close but she's not mean anymore just a bit weird and damaged. I wouldn't go nc because it would affect my dc and dsibs. We were LC for years but now we talk quite frequently.

I feel like I want to keep seeing both sides. Not all people are cut out to be parents and it's pretty hard to know if you will be before you try. Particularly as child free wasn't such a mainstream choice 35 years ago. Anyway I'm glad she chose to have children in spite of her own family issues!!

Sorry for all the people on both sides of the equation who are feeling hurt by their experiences.

Would just add that I've just read a couple more posts re sexual abuse by relatives and others and of course that is unforgivable and I would absolutely go NC in those or other similarly traumatic circumstances. I can't imagine how awful that would be and my mother for all her faults would never have let something like that happen.

I meant to add that I'm in the late 40's so by no means a youngster acting glibly.

That said, for any 'youngsters' who may be surfing the internet in search of consoling stories, I've recently supported a teenage girl who, with the support of Child Protection and Safeguarding, has decided to leave her toxic homeland environment and, after hearing about the harrowing catalogue of events she'd suffered at the hands of a neglectful Mum, I and an army of others are behind her. She made that call to save her sanity, at the tender age of 14.

No decision is taken lightly. Ever.

As for re-writing history, my own Mother denies everything she said to me, every thing she's accused me of - some of it written in text.

Take your judgement elsewhere.

@whatcangowrong

I'm finding the dual perspective on this thread interesting too. Sorry if for others it's off topic.

I read stately homes the other day and a lot of it resonated. And I am sure there are some ppl who have had a terrible old time of it, but there seemed to also be some who might have had a similarly bad time as me but who had gone nc and who felt it was certainly abuse etc.

I don't feel that strongly... my mother was an alcoholic, is still. I've blocked out much of my childhood. She was horrid to me sometimes. I had a gynae condition as a teen which she failed to acknowledge or deal with even though she was a doctor. She found out id gone on the pill (which was for said condition) and called me a slut etc. I had a serious bf who I was too scared to sleep with so was still a virgin! General lack of emotional support or engagement over many years and volatile behaviour.

But... She had her own past family trauma and a bad marriage. It was the drink talking. She tried so hard in so many ways and just failed a bit. I don't resent it I think we are all human. Now we have something of a relationship, we are not super close but she's not mean anymore just a bit weird and damaged. I wouldn't go nc because it would affect my dc and dsibs. We were LC for years but now we talk quite frequently.

I feel like I want to keep seeing both sides. Not all people are cut out to be parents and it's pretty hard to know if you will be before you try. Particularly as child free wasn't such a mainstream choice 35 years ago. Anyway I'm glad she chose to have children in spite of her own family issues!!

Sorry for all the people on both sides of the equation who are feeling hurt by their experiences.

If you feel that your own DC aren't at risk of her behaviour then I can see why you maintain contact, but my young children have already been on the receiving end of their DGM's sobbing and manipulation and I won't have them growing up with the same fear, obligation and guilt.

I'm with @NelAntartic on this, and I hope @VivienScott finds support and strength here. @Vivien - the violence also stopped for me when I hit my mother back when I was 14. I totally hear you.

People don’t walk away from a loving, supportive family. These decisions are always hard and with good reasons. It is never a child’s job to fix and support a parent who isn’t willing to do the work themselves. Whatever age the ‘child’

Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this :/

I am pretty much completely NC with my mum. She has diagnosed borderline personality disorder and was extremely abusive and neglectful to me growing up. But she would also accuse me of being disloyal if I tried to leave, or suddenly turn nice (once she had a full-blown 'realisation' that she had been abusive and would never do it again...it was faked). And as I got older she would call me and talk for ages about her problems and expect me to solve them for her.

It was gradual but I moved out permanently when I was 15 and gradually contact got less and less. I maybe speak to her once a year, probably less. It was easy for me because she didn't ever really try to get in contact...it was me making all the effort, so when I stopped doing it, it basically faded away.

The hardest thing was giving up on her ever being the person I needed. Also, she was part of me - it was just me and her growing up, and as much as I needed to get away, she was such a big part of me that it was a complicated process.

But yeah, mainly for me it was a case of not getting sucked in by her nice side, so she never got a chance to become abusive or invade my boundaries.

@dottypotter it’s not about normal, it’s about not having had a loving childhood, having been told I was unwanted repeatedly, that I was an unpleasant child, hit because my sibling did something wrong that was nothing to do with me, constantly belittled and essentially surrounded by negativity.
I’m not sure what you’re hoping to add to this post, but the “alternative” view point you’re adding is horribly similar to the gas lighting of a narcissist.

@TheWernethWife

I'm on the other side OP. My daughter shut her door in my face over seven years ago because I called her second husband a racist and a fascist (which he is).

This is what I find so sad about these situations. We, all too often, hear about how awful some people are , yet we fall hook, line and sinker for the story that we've been told

I am low contact with most of my family because I find some of them very difficult to be around. A variety of reasons.

I'm glad I didn't go the whole hog and cut them off completely though. They weren't abusive, so it's different, but I do hope people only go no contact if there really is no other solution.

I went NC 25 years ago. My emotionally abusive mother went too far. She told me I was a millstone round her neck after I'd supported her thru my Dad's terminal illness, helped her find a new house, found her a dossy part time job ( to keep her occupied she was a wealthy widow) & Ben her company for 2years after, all the while completing my teaching degree & never missing an essay deadline. The only thing other people would see as an issue was my sister stirring & trying to make me reconsider . She was conflicted, didn't like me at all but I was a handy whipping post & she didn't fancy being my replacement. But id expected that. I had nasty letters for a year off DM , but tbh I wasn't bothered. The relief was so huge I felt she couldn't hurt me any more. Her olive branch of a coffee, stood up, in her kitchen ( I obv wasn't worthy of a sit down which was her usual coffee & chat routinr) ,with no mention of her screaming, puce faced insults or, an apology failed to move me. Viper.

Now NC with my dad. Came to see who he really was after betraying my trust in a big way. Final straw was kicking my dog. He had some good things about him and did activities with me and my brother growing, holidays etr up but don’t think he ever truly loved us. I feel mostly okay about my decision but not sure if I should contact him on birthdays and other special occasions. Its tricky but ultimately healthier.

My friend is non contact with her children most of the time. She is occasionally a difficult friend but is often a horrible mother.

My friend does not see her children's point of view. She has her feelings and her ideas of how things should be. She refuses to accept anything different. When they were children she controlled them totally. She won't accept they are adults now and they refuse to be controlled any more.

She was terrible this Christmas and all her children have subsequently blocked her. She now says she doesn't know why they've blocked her. Many, many people have told her that she cannot behave the way she does and expect her children to not react in response. In her head she seems to believe she has done nothing wrong and doesn't ever expect or understand consequences for her actions.

I reminded her of the details about the massive fall out this Christmas and asked if they'd made up and was that why she expected them to want to speak to her again. She just blanks the question. She expects them to just forget and go on as if things are normal. There is an absolute denial of any responsibility on her behalf. She blocks it all out as if it didn't happen.

Her children are not forgiving and forgetting. Each bout of non contact is lasting longer and longer. Her behaviour isn't getting better and she refuses to change. I try to help her see what she is doing wrong but she refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing.

I think her children keep giving her chances in the hope she changes. I doubt she is capable of changing.

As a friend I manage her difficult behaviour. I won't put up with it and she accepts that. She won't do the same for her children.

Anyway the bastard died 2018, and you can bet I fucking celebrated. As did my siblings. I made a very large donation to a charity that he would have absolutely hated in his name

This very much resonates with me - thank you @rubbishonthetelly

I have two siblings and one entirely agrees that I would also be justified in going NC with the other. Minimum contact currently.

It isn't that I had a shitty childhood, lots of people do, but I am not obliged to have abusers in my life simply because we share DNA.

This could be my life that you have described.

My husband is NC with his so called father and two of his siblings. Life is so very much better without the lot of them, I'm so proud of him for breaking free.