Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

[BoredBeforelEvenBegan]

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

May I ask does she do her own washing?

No. I assumed that was included in her board?

@reader12

I think you’re babying her because you enjoy being needed, but you’re basically raising her to be incompetent to suit your own emotional needs and that’s not good parenting.

Did you make a huge fuss about the burned pan, enough to put her off trying again? She needs to learn to cook and you need to tell her it’s time for her to step up.

I laughed about the pan.

I don't enjoy being needed, it's a pain in the tits frankly.

And the fantasising about someone else making you dinner is silly - you don’t need to be a martyr and fantasise about it, just tell her you want her to cook dinner for all of you once a week. And then let her get on with it and not make her feel incompetent while she tries. It could be something as easy as ham egg & chips. It’s just weird for an adult not be be able to do these things.

Incidentally for those who asked, I don't work because I'm disabled (rheumatoid arthritis is the main reason but I have a few other health conditions also). This is another reason why I feel it's fair that I at least cook for DH, who's currently wfh long hours.

@BoredBeforelEvenBegan

May I ask does she do her own washing?

No. I assumed that was included in her board?

Is this a joke? Surely you can't be serious. She's 24 years old.

Your username does have the word 'Bored' in it.

@BoredBeforelEvenBegan

I left home when I was 17, married by 20 and by the time I was DD's age I had her to look after too. My mother never showed me how to cook - I just cracked on (and committed some horrific crimes against food in the process, until I learned not to).

Like I say I do worry about her being able to look after herself when she leaves home - ready meals are all very well and she won't starve but I'd like her to be able to cook more than that. DH never learned to cook anything at all and it's a bit of a pain, particularly when I don't feel well enough to cook (I've got a few health conditions which mean sometimes I feel completely fucked/in pain). He says that if he lived alone he would just order takeaways every night, as some of his friends do.

Neither of them give a shit that you carry all the cooking duties despite your health issues.

That’s not funny, or cute, that’s downright disrespectful toward you from both of them.

It’s lovely that you have a close relationship with your DD, but having her living with your forever as she’s your best friend is very likely not what is best for her. She needs a Mum more than a bestie and you’re not doing her any favours letting her be dependent on you like that.

Living at home as an adult - absolutely fine.
Living at home like a child - not fine.

@BoredBeforelEvenBegan

May I ask does she do her own washing?

No. I assumed that was included in her board?

Only if her board is high enough to cover her share of food, bills AND a housekeeper salary....

It sounds like my 11yo has more responsibility round the house than your adult DD

Surely if you are so disabled that you are unable to work at all, chopping, lifting pans, etc must be difficult for you.

@gorillasinthemist it's a lyric from a Smiths song.

@gorillasinthemist

Surely if you are so disabled that you are unable to work at all, chopping, lifting pans, etc must be difficult for you.

Some days, yes it is. To be honest I'm shit at asking for help even when I'm not well. I hate to be seen as reliant on people or not independent in any way. Getting older and being less able to do stuff scares the crap out of me.

She doesn’t do her own washing? My mum loves to cook for me when I go back home for holidays and I literally don’t move a finger for 2 weeks when I’m there but come on, she wouldn’t dream of washing my clothes. Nor would I...

Why would they learn to cook when they can use their being 'unskilled' as an excuse so they never have to cook.

Cooking is a basic skill. As Gusteau says, 'Anyone can cook.'

I cook for my resident adult (returned because of Covid having been living away for a year after graduating). It’s more a practical thing than anything: not enough space for them and me to cook at the same (ish) time in the evening. And frankly it feels churlish on my part to be cooking something for DH and I and not throw in a bit extra for another plate just as a point of principle

Yikes. She doesn't even do her own washing.

OP, when someone rents a house, do you think the landlord does their cooking and washing for them? She is not paying for you to be her skivvy. It's to cover her share of the bills AND teach her the real cost of living.

The fact that she doesn't bother cooking when you are disabled is absolutely appalling.

There is no way that I would cook a separate meal for an adult in my household. If that person’s contribution to the household consisted of washing up and the odd bit of hoovering, I would have a serious “come to Jesus” meeting about fair distribution of labour. This sort of (sadly common) extended adolescence of adult children does them no favours whatsoever IMO.

I don't yet have adult children. However I started contributing meaningfully to cooking when I lived at home from aged 13 as I was the first one home. I was veggie and the rest were meat eaters. At 13 mum would leave instructions what needed doing each night so that dinner was on the table when everyone else got home or shortly after. As a young adult (18+) I was in charge of Tuesday tea. I would meal plan it, parents would buy it when they did the weekly shop, and I would cook it.
Now I have a 9 year old. In lockdown she is on charge of Monday night dinner (2keyworker parents, we chose a night she isn't at the childminders). She 9 so we are at the pasta and a jar of sauce / heating up soup / eggs and toast level of cooking - she says wants to learn to do a roast but basically is only interested in the potatoes!
I would fully expect your husband and daughter each to be in charge of one or two dinners a week each - if he's out very late perhaps let him have the weekends!

My Yr 13 cooks for us 4 odd nights a week. He is a great cook and has been doing that since he was about 14.

Other nights I cook what I want (which he doesn't like) so he cooks for himself. Occasionally he likes what I cook so eats my food.

Today for example I made roasted veg, spicey potatoes and hunter chicken. He doesn't like hunter chicken so ate the roast potatoes and veg and made a different type of chicken (nandos style).

It's pretty infantilising to cater specifically to your DD.

Her board covers food/ utilities, not service surely?

Does she have additional needs?

Is there a reason a 24 year old adult woman cannot prepare her own food?

I'm not sure you're doing her any favours

She's 24 and I'm sure if she had to could follow some basic recipes from you tube.
On your off days encourage her to Cooke something simple for you all. Pasta or meatballs or similar. You could sit and guide her through it all.
Cooking is a basic necessity and you are doing her no favours by doing it all for her.

My eldest is only 17, can't cook a whole meal but can rustle up a pot of rice, makes a great pasta and cooks eggs for everyone on the weekends.
Teach her a pasta sauce as that can be adapted to many meals, how to cook rice and do a simple stir fry. Those few will build her confidence and she may well surprise you

She doesn't even do her own washing at 24 years old? Honestly, I despair. You have completely infantilised her.

I hate to be seen as reliant on people or not independent in any way.

You feel this way, yet have raised your daughter to be exactly this.

[quote BoredBeforelEvenBegan]@gorillasinthemist it's a lyric from a Smiths song.[/quote]
What I meant was that I wondered if you were so bored that you had made this all up.

Her board might cover bills, groceries but not you being her personal housekeeper. I can't believe that any parent would think this normal, particularlty given your disabilities.

Op im sure this won't happen to you however my sister is49 and still lives with my dps. She doesn't lift a finger. My dm fault of course.

Whoever cooks will be cooking for the family - who are all adults - we don’t do separate meals, we all sit at the table and eat together.

My DD is 24. She was away at uni 4 years, but came home for first lockdown and lives with us now. She buys and cooks her own food. Very occasionally we all eat together or I buy us takeaway.
She is my best friend, I do understand that! Luckily living away from home she got the hang of cooking.
I'd encourage your DD to learn some skills - it could be fun to do it together? Then she can help take some of the weight off you.