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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you cook all adult DC's meals?

301 replies

BoredBeforelEvenBegan · 09/02/2021 18:57

If they live at home, obviously.

DD is 24 and I cook all her meals - she likes different food to the stuff DH and I eat and we eat dinner later than she does so I usually cook her meal separately in the evening. She doesn't cook herself but makes herself a sandwich for lunch sometimes.

She pays board so I always considered this to be fair enough, until I saw someone on here mention that they don't cook for their adult DC.

Do you cook for yours? Do they cook for you? fantasises about someone else making my dinner for a change

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 09/02/2021 21:06

Dc 21 and almost 19.

They prepare and cook their own breakfast and lunches - sandwiches, omelettes, fried egg sandwiches.

I tend to cook most evening meals. Dc1 cooks Sunday roast, and occasional second meal through the week.

Dc2 cooks a meal, two out of three weeks. Tends to be easier, meals. However, he also cooks occasional cakes.

They’re both pretty proficient at following recipes.

itbemay1 · 09/02/2021 21:06

Yes 21yo DD eats with us every night, same meal as us though. When she was commuting to work I used to put hers on a plate in oven for later. Not sure if cook her a separate meal at a different time though.

ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay · 09/02/2021 21:07

If my children live at home at that age, I'd hope they'd take it in turns to cook us meals. I don't like the idea of cooking two different meals though

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2021 21:08

I wouldn’t cook at a different time. My dc either eat when we do, or cook their own meal.

EileenGC · 09/02/2021 21:12

I don’t have adult children yet but my mum never cooked different meals for us. There was food on the table at each meal, you either ate it or made something else yourself. She wouldn’t throw food away or make something new until what was in the pot was finished, so not eating also meant you wouldn’t get new options for a few days Grin

Like a PP said, a house shouldn’t be a hotel.

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2021 21:13

Maybe you need to engage her more in cooking. Ask her to plan and cook one meal a week for everyone. It’s not a lot to ask. There may be mutiny, you’re doing her a disservice by not teaching her how to cook..

dancingbymyself · 09/02/2021 21:20

I'm really sorry, but you shouldn't be happy she wants to stay at home. You need to prepare her for the world and ensure she is independent.
Many people don't like cooking and middle their way through, be it beans on toast or ready meals. The point is, she needs to learn to budget and plan for it, as well as get some basic cooking skills.

I'd hope you'd want more for her than living at home, having her dinners cooked for her, at this age.

SarahBellam · 09/02/2021 21:21

My 12yo and 15yo do their own lunches, but I’ll do one evening meal with a variation (e.g. DD is a vegetarian so if I make a chicken curry I’ll use a separate smaller pot for hers and make it exactly the same but use chickpeas instead of chicken - that sort of thing). We all eat at the same time. It wouldn’t cross my mind to make her a different dinner at a different time.

maddiemookins16mum · 09/02/2021 21:28

@NuniaBeeswax

On MN your children should be doing all their own washing, ironing and cooking three course meals for the whole family by the time they're out of nappies.
I disagree. I normally see on MN ‘they’re my children I’ll cook (slave) for them for as long as they appear incapable of doing it themselves and then come on here and moan that I’m treated as the hired help’.
JaceLancs · 09/02/2021 21:31

I cook for myself and adult DS if I want to or he’s busy
If he wants something different we each cook our own
Most evenings we cook and then eat together - it’s the most companionable part of the day - when we catch up with each other
If I’m busy or working late he will cook for me or start dinner off but only if he knows what we are having or what I’d like
In general I’m better at meal planning and to be fair I actually like cooking

FlyingByTheSeatof · 09/02/2021 21:37

Your life, your family do what makes you happy OP.

My DC 13 and 15 cook for themselves sometimes.

My DM would definitely have cooked for me if I was still living at home (I would also have cooked for myself) mainly because she's a control freak and would hate me in her domain, whereas I would expect my DC to cook for themselves at 24 but I know I'd still want to cook for them if I felt like it.

notalwaysalondoner · 09/02/2021 21:38

Me and both my siblings aged 25-30 moved back in with our parents for lockdown 1 (big space in lovely countryside and we like each other). We did a cooking rota - each person cooked for the whole family 1 night per week, 1 takeaway per week and 1 night 'foraging' where you cook your own dinner. No WAY would I be cooking for my 24 year old child regardless of if she pays board - board is to cover her food/bills/room, not your services as a chef! I would see it as a balance of if for example she hates cooking but does a lot of family cleaning/laundry (not just her own)/ironing/gardening/DIY then maybe it would be a reasonable balance, but if she doesn't do much else to pull her weight as an adult in the household then it is not reasonable. You aren't doing her any favours either, eventually you will get resentful if she's there for years and she needs to learn how to be responsible for her own and others' wellbeing. I see it as a bad sign that someone would just take that kind of thing for granted and not offer to share the load more to be honest.

RoseMartha · 09/02/2021 21:49

If I were you, I wouldnt be cooking something different for her to eat at a different time. I would expect her to do that herself.

I would however cook enough for the three of you to be eaten together or for her to heat up hers later in microwave.

WaiterTheresAFly · 09/02/2021 21:52

I can't imagine sending my child out into the world thinking 'oh well, there's always ready meals'. Cooking for yourself is a basic necessary skill.

Who cares if she isn't interested in cooking? I'm not interested in half the things I have to do like hanging up washing but you have to be able to look after yourself.

Does she do other basic chores like change bedding and clean bathrooms?

MojoJojo71 · 09/02/2021 21:52

24 yo DS is home at the moment. I make an evening meal for him, me and his 8yo sister. If he doesn’t want it he can make himself something. Breakfast and lunch are mostly DIY although if I’m making myself a sandwich I would offer him one too

Macncheeseballs · 09/02/2021 21:53

No effing way

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2021 21:58

When the girls were at home we all ate the same, usually cooked by either myself or DH.

When I was younger and at home mum cooked everything (and did my washing). When I started dating DH one of our activities was cooking together (and baking), I learned more cooking from him than mum.

Sweettea1 · 09/02/2021 22:08

Even my ds 13 will make himself tea every now an again. If he asks for something am not cooking I say yes make it yourself tho an he will.

Starseeking · 09/02/2021 22:17

I don't cook separate meals for my DC who are 3 and 4; we all eat the same thing, so I certainly wouldn't be doing it for an adult DC.

Start off by getting her to help you do things in the kitchen, she can wash, chop and stir Unser instruction, so get her assisting you from tomorrow OP!

Starseeking · 09/02/2021 22:24

*stir under instruction

CherryRoulade · 09/02/2021 22:26

We have one at home. Sometimes I cook, sometimes she cooks, sometimes she wants something different and we cook separately.

maddy68 · 09/02/2021 22:27

Of course we do. Wouldn't just cook for us and them cook a separate meal that's just daft?

Mumski45 · 09/02/2021 22:34

No way. 2 adults and DS1 (15) and DS2 (13). The only times we don't eat the same thing is if we have a variety of leftovers that need using. DH makes everyone breakfast. We all usually do our own lunches although DH and DS's will offer to make for each other depending on who is in the kitchen first as they like the same things. We share out evening meal cooking between us (not necessarily evenly) although I usually do more than the others as I only work mornings on some days.

Original poster
BoredBeforelEvenBegan · 09/02/2021 22:34

@BackforGood

Yes we're incredibly close, she's my best friend and I'm so glad she doesn't want to leave home because I'd miss her so much!

So you are infantilising her in order to keep her at home ? Confused

No. I would miss her if she left home, and I'm happy to have her here for as long as she wants to be here, but I would be perfectly happy for her to leave. To be honest DH and I had pretty much banked on her having left home by now. The house would seem empty but I can't deny that it would be lovely for it to be just us. DD doesn't go out at all (even pre covid) so we don't get any time to ourselves.
OP posts:
reader12 · 09/02/2021 22:35

I think you’re babying her because you enjoy being needed, but you’re basically raising her to be incompetent to suit your own emotional needs and that’s not good parenting.

Did you make a huge fuss about the burned pan, enough to put her off trying again? She needs to learn to cook and you need to tell her it’s time for her to step up.