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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
lucillevanpelt · 08/02/2021 11:55

Flowers to you OP, it sounds incredibly stressful. Hoping you are able to find the laptop. And not lose all sanity in the process.

Also hope the extension is agreed and believe that other posters are right in that up to three weeks should not be an issue at the moment. Also special circumstances forms don’t need to be submitted right now, they need to be sent in before end of module. I think the link shared earlier might be one version but you can also complete it entirely online.

I can’t believe how unsympathetic some posters have been. I send you strength for what sounds like a very hard week coming up with your DDs condition as well as the assignment.

Joeblack066 · 08/02/2021 11:56

@jentinquarantino20

I can’t believe some of the replies here, she’s caring for her unwell child as a tiny part of her life. Sounds like you have a hell of a lot on your plate so enjoy that coffee. I don’t personally think ADHD would cause this, if he can normally hold down a job then there is no excuse for this. Glad you’ve made him look for it, I get stressed enough with the state of how my kids leave the house, I would want to rip my hair out if it was an adult doing it.

Hope you manage to get your work sorted and good luck at hospital.

Then you’re wrong. ADHD would absolutely cause this. Think Hyperactivity for a minute. Then the person is overwhelmed and utterly disassociates themselves from it. Very common in a neuro diverse adult. His guilt at the extreme pressure that it has put the poor OP under will be heightening his anxiety and render him incapable of moving forward. OP, the immediate thing is find the laptop, not sorting the stuff. That comes later. Both of you need to prioritise that and if he knows that this is what he must do with you now that should give him enough focus to be able to do it. Then imo, drop all conversations about the room while you finish your essay and he is Dad. Resume everything else after Weds. It is exhausting living with an adult who is ND at times. Make sure you are getting support too OP.
Sarri · 08/02/2021 11:59

Hi OP - just wanted to offer some reassurance, I'm an Open Uni tutor and I have no issue with people asking for a second extension, particularly at the moment. Open Uni study is often something people have to fit in around the rest of their lives, we know it's tough at the best of times, and these are certainly not the best of times. And once you've got through this, do have a chat with your tutor and /or student services about your circumstances and how they can support you. We're a helpful bunch and want to help you do well.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 08/02/2021 12:00

OP, take a deep breath, and then start looking. Having an extension isn't the end of the world, that's what they're there for. My tutor is handing out 21 day extensions like they're sweets, she knows it's not normal times and delays are to be expected. I totally understand how frustrating it is, I would also be fuming, but it's not an ideal frame of mind to be writing an assignment in. You've come this far with your degree so you will get it done, it's just a small blip.

CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 12:01

What has he said? What is he going to do about the piles of stuff he has filled your room with?

I know you dont want to manage him, and you shouldnt have too, but what if you gave him a deadline? Or told him to sleep on the couch until he sorts it out.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:05

@MyGorramShip

I have ADHD, and honestly, the laptop could be anywhere. Especially if it’s been two weeks and he’s bought stuff into your room.

I’d suggest asking him what the first thing and last thing he bought down were, and start looking from the first lot of stuff.

Is he medicated? I am now and it’s made a huge difference. I was only diagnosed in August and started meds in October, I hardly every lose anything now.

No, he isn't medicated. His job (which he's not doing right now) involves a lot of driving and the doctor said he'd feel uncomfortable with prescribing while he had to drive so much. DH was diagnosed three years ago. I've said repeatedly that he should try medication but it's not my body or my choice. I think he's frightened to try it.
OP posts:
Dagnabit · 08/02/2021 12:07

I would be extremely pissed off too. Not sure why people on here are giving you a hard time; maybe they have that Monday morning feeling and you’re bearing the brunt? Your life sounds particularly hard going right now. Hope you find the lap top and your daughter’s health improves. Flowers

KickAssAngel · 08/02/2021 12:08

Op, I'm hoping you are busy in a fruitful search for the laptop, not buried under one of the piles.

When this crisis is over, you need to sit your husband down and tell him that he is making life unlivable. Your description of your bedroom goes way beyond the normal, even for people with ADHD. I speak as someone married to a man who also does these things. I have actually banished all of his clothes and personal belongings to the spare room as his mess and disorganization made our bedroom difficult to navigate. He also never replaced things and then we have the panic to find them. But your husband is way outside of what most people could tolerate. Once emotions have died down you need to look for any support you can find, such as any groups that meet. You also need to ask him to engage with any ground rules you could have, and get him actually thinking about what is acceptable in the house. I would be at the point where it would be me or the piles.

And if he's furloughed, then why are you still doing all the work? You both need to get him being more responsible and supportive. He will have strengths that you can use, but right now he is making family life intolerable.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:08

@SeaToSki

One option

Ignore the mess, write the essay out in long hand. Download a scanner app to your phone and set it to convert to text. Hopefully that will work and you will just be able to check it through and make a couple of edits. If you cant scan it to text, then submit photos of the long hand essay and promise you will type it up when the laptop surfaces.

This is what I'm thinking is going to have to be the way. Still haven't found it. I've looked in every other room and DH has gone through about twenty boxes, I've sifted through his random piles of stuff, checked under the bed, down the back of cabinets and radiators. I can't find it! It's a really slim one, so I hope it's not had something heavy bashed down on top of it!
OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 08/02/2021 12:08

I'm not sure I would trust him to look actually. Couldn't be so the home learning and give you peace to systematically go through the room? Assuming it's even in there, don't ignore other places in the house.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 08/02/2021 12:09

I'm a bit shook by the comments! Your husband has inflicted chaos on the household, lost your laptop and it's somehow your fault?!

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 08/02/2021 12:10

Do you have word on your phone, you could use the dictate function to speak your essay into it. You would absolutely have to carefully edit it but the bulk of it would be typed up for you.
Mind you, I think I could type an essay on my phone given the amount of stuff I post on mumsnet!

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:11

@DahliaRoses

GET OFF BLOODY MUMSNET AND LOOK FOR IT. you didn't really need to ask for another extension, as you would easily find your laptop in one day. so you are being a bit of a pisstaker, yes.
Another person who completely underestimates the sheer magnitude of stuff DH has stacked up and the absolutely chaotic way his brain organises and remembers things. It could be anywhere. When I find it, he'll remember why he put it there and the reason will make sense only to him. But until then? No hope.
OP posts:
slashlover · 08/02/2021 12:11

@DahliaRoses

GET OFF BLOODY MUMSNET AND LOOK FOR IT. you didn't really need to ask for another extension, as you would easily find your laptop in one day. so you are being a bit of a pisstaker, yes.
And you are being a bit of an arsehole, yes.
CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 12:15

What is his usual process for remembering? He's an adult. He must have developed some coping strategies. Tell him to use them.

Where was he sitting when he was on the laptop? Did he get up and walk with it after, or slide it underneath the sofa, or ask one of the kids to put it somewhere? I cannot believe that a grown adult would have added the laptop in between the piles of other junk he was sorting through, because the laptop isnt part of the junk and has no reason to be added to it.
Why dont you try searching everywhere else?

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:16

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

I'm a bit shook by the comments! Your husband has inflicted chaos on the household, lost your laptop and it's somehow your fault?!
It seems pretty standard for mumsnet, but I was hoping to find some support, since, like most people, I literally cannot get in IRL right now. If times were normal, I'd have gone directly to my sister's house, had a coffee and got all this off my chest, then buggered off to the library with my notes and books and done it there. But I can't.
OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2021 12:16

He sounds like he doesn't even do the bare minimum while at home on furlough, let alone start cracking on with extra jobs.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2021 12:17

Though in my house, I'd be seething about my dh losing something, he would look, I would look, then I'd realise I left it in the boot of my car a fortnight ago and have to go and sheepishly apologise.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:18

@CakeIsEternal

What is his usual process for remembering? He's an adult. He must have developed some coping strategies. Tell him to use them.

Where was he sitting when he was on the laptop? Did he get up and walk with it after, or slide it underneath the sofa, or ask one of the kids to put it somewhere? I cannot believe that a grown adult would have added the laptop in between the piles of other junk he was sorting through, because the laptop isnt part of the junk and has no reason to be added to it.
Why dont you try searching everywhere else?

I have. It isn't in any of the other rooms. I've looked. DH just called me all enthusiastically so I raced upstairs for him to show me a hammer he thought he lost. According to him, that should be encouraging. That's one lost thing found!
OP posts:
TeeBee · 08/02/2021 12:20

Best you stay away from that hammer OP Wink

MumInBrussels · 08/02/2021 12:21

OP, when you say he's gone through 20 boxes of stuff looking for your laptop, is he likely to have done it properly, so you can be certain that it's not actually in one of them? Also, it's not been hidden put under a pillow or something to keep it safe while he sorts everything out (when he thought about starting this mad project, I assume he planned to sort everything out at some point...)? I really feel for you, this sounds like a nightmare. My tension levels are rising just reading about it!

callmeadoctor · 08/02/2021 12:23

Hire a skip (or one of those bag thingys) and get rid of it all.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 12:23

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He sounds like he doesn't even do the bare minimum while at home on furlough, let alone start cracking on with extra jobs.
That's not strictly true. He's very good with the kids, excellent with all maths based home learning, and really good at explaining things in ways kids understand. He's good at finding solutions to problems he didn't create! He will do the dishes and laundry, it will just take him all bloody day to do them. He takes the dog out, feeds the animals, plays games with the kids, helps with DD as much as he can..... he's just got this horrible ADHD induced need to hoard and sort things but he never sorts them! Never! And he needs so many reminders to stay on task. He gets very frustrated with himself and I know he's in a bit of a state now because he knows how badly I need this laptop, but him being frantic about finding it is making him even more overwhelmed, as is my obvious annoyance. But I can't hide it, I'm so pissed off. I've stopped to make lunch and that's half the day gone. Soon it'll be time to make dinner, then I've got all the end of day stuff with DD.... I just feel so defeated
OP posts:
CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 12:23

You only posted this this morning. I would have struggled to search every room in my house (excluding the bedroom he is searching) in that time period.

This isnt your fault, at all. I dont understand the replies you've had on here other than to put it down to sexism. Maybe they think that you're the wife so your husband can do no wrong and you must take all responsibility. But you do need to find this so get stuck in. Once this is dealt with, read him the riot act. This is your life too, your home and your children's home. You cant live like that.

PicsInRed · 08/02/2021 12:24

@SmileyClare

the boxes are stacked floor to ceiling Out of one box I've pulled bedsheets, decorators caulk, screws, books and a photo album

That's worrying. I understand now why you feel like crying. This isn't someone having a sort out, your dh seems to have spent a week making more muddle and mess and it sounds as though he has some serious hoarder tendencies. Sad

I agree - he seems to be exhibiting hoarder behaviours, and these tend to manifest or worsen with age.

I would keep a very careful eye on this OP.

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