Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
VividImagination · 08/02/2021 11:33

Ds1 (25) has ADHD. I try not to go into his bedroom if I can help it as it stresses me out. I can’t think what it would be like if I had to share a room with him so I really feel for you. Whilst your dh should, of course, have put your lap top back where he found it, that’s not how an ADHD mind works.

You need to calm down, find your laptop and finish your assignment. Ignore the bedroom until you get home with your daughter then find a day that you can help your dh with a bedroom blitz. Chuck as much as you can (I know that might not go down well) and find places for everything else. You shouldn’t have to but he won’t be able to tackle it on his own and you know that.

I will need to do a blitz on ds’s room soon and it’s quite a thought!

TheSparkleJar · 08/02/2021 11:34

As for overgrown man child- you realise he has ADHD?

And? I have autism. Does that mean I can't be a twat sometimes? And because her DH has ADHD she has to do everything? Adults try to learn coping strategies.

Rupertbeartrousers · 08/02/2021 11:35

@MumInBrussels

There are a lot of people who lack empathy around online, aren't there.

OP, you've got a ton of shit to cope with, and I think you're brilliant for doing so well with it - I definitely would not be able to do half as much. I hope your husband is incredibly apologetic - I'm often overwhelmed by mess (which is ever present with 3 young kids) so I have some sympathy with his inability to know where to start, but he should be very sorry for causing the problem in the first place and keen to do whatever he can to fix it. Any sulkiness or wingeing from him would be completely unacceptable. I hope the laptop turns up soon!

I also hope your daughter's appointment goes ok, and that things become a bit easier for you all soon.

Hear hear
Londt · 08/02/2021 11:37

You have the patience of a saint.

I hope you find it quickly. Building the motivation to finish and submit an assignment can be difficult at the best of times, never mind with everything you have going on. It will all be worth it in the end when you have your degree though.

Good luck with everything.

MyGorramShip · 08/02/2021 11:38

I have ADHD, and honestly, the laptop could be anywhere. Especially if it’s been two weeks and he’s bought stuff into your room.

I’d suggest asking him what the first thing and last thing he bought down were, and start looking from the first lot of stuff.

Is he medicated? I am now and it’s made a huge difference. I was only diagnosed in August and started meds in October, I hardly every lose anything now.

Scbchl · 08/02/2021 11:40

Hope he finds it quickly and everything goes okay with your daughters tests.

AintPageantMaterial · 08/02/2021 11:40

@SonjaMorgan

*Again... that information is really clearly typed, by the OP, upthread!

As is the reason he can't/won't help!*

I read that. I am still struggling to grasp how much stuff can be in one room. Even if you stacked my bedroom full (but so I could still use the bed) of boxes it would only take an hour or two to go through.

But the issue here is that you lack the imagination to envisage someone having a bedroom that is much, much larger than your bedroom. It’s not a substantive point that needs debating on this thread.
BlackeyedSusan · 08/02/2021 11:41

Searching systematically moving each pile two foot to the left( or right)

Been there done that. Autistic household.

CharityDingle · 08/02/2021 11:41

Fingers crossed OP that you find the laptop and get the assignment done.

PrivateHall · 08/02/2021 11:41

Ah op you have the patience of a saint Flowers You need to get a decent extension, realistically you were never going to be able to produce a decent essay in one day anyway, especially with so many distractions! As others have said, systematically search, it will turn up eventually. Do NOT start sorting and tidying today, that is his job, he doesn't sound like he does anything to help with home school or general housework so he absolutely must sort this mess.

BrownFootStool · 08/02/2021 11:42

If OU is like many other universities they may have a 'no detriment' policy due to covid, which can mean that not only are all extension requests auto-granted but late submissions may not be penalised.

Hope you find it. Always always always back up your work somewhere else. Mostly people don't do this until they lose their work one time (I know I didn't).

Levirandal · 08/02/2021 11:42

Hugs. Your stress levels must be through the roof. My dad and his sister are both hoarders. Thankfully his stuff is contained to a garage, shed and a loft. My two kids both have adhd and the executive functioning issues that go along with this. Thankfully they’re both medicated which helps to a degree.

He needs to be helping. Could your secondary age child spare an hour to help? My dh is an unorganised person and it drives me crazy as it means all the work falls onto me. Is your dh medicated?

I hope you find the laptop and that it goes well for your dd at the hospital this week.

oneglassandpuzzled · 08/02/2021 11:43

You are studying but haven’t used the laptop for a fortnight? Does this mean you have another device you have used during this time, iPad for instance?

Worried830410 · 08/02/2021 11:43

Did you find it op?

Could you maybe borrow someone else's? A friend or family just for today?
Your dh should take over the house today and let you get on with it.

oneglassandpuzzled · 08/02/2021 11:44

Sorry, meant to say, device which you could use to at least make a start while your husband keeps on searching?

ApolloandDaphne · 08/02/2021 11:46

Once it is found please find a safe place
keep it and don't let your DH borrow it unless he uses it in front of you and you take it back from him.

SeaToSki · 08/02/2021 11:47

One option

Ignore the mess, write the essay out in long hand. Download a scanner app to your phone and set it to convert to text. Hopefully that will work and you will just be able to check it through and make a couple of edits. If you cant scan it to text, then submit photos of the long hand essay and promise you will type it up when the laptop surfaces.

Menual · 08/02/2021 11:47

I know that you say he has ADHD but, if he cannot see the fundamental flaw in this (lack of) reasoning then he could at least have the decency to accept that ‘sorting’ things is not something he can do. I am completely clear that I am shit at painting so I do not inflict my painting on those around me because it would be selfish and would accomplish nothing.
This is the behaviour of a deluded, self-indulgent individual. I don’t think his condition excuses it at all. I do actually think this warrants an argument (and a serious conversation).

What the fuck? I suggest you go away and research ADHD / executive dysfunction and the debilitating affect it can have on your life before you spout such offensive bullshit.

Would you tell someone with ASD who struggled to communicate that they should just "stop inflicting their communication on others because it would be selfish and accomplish nothing"??

Do you demand people in a wheelchair stay out of your way in shops?

Never read so much offensive and ignorant crap in one post. If you have no idea what you're talking about (which clearly, you do not) then kindly refrain from spouting your ignorance.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 11:49

@TeeBee

Do you know somebody who could lend you a laptop for a day? I often lend my spare to a friend if she's having tech problems.
That's assuming she's got a backup...
Cloudybeanie · 08/02/2021 11:50

I'd be furious too OP, hope you find it, and/or can secure an extension.

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 11:51

Honestly I would want to commit murder and would be giving him the task of building a new patio Angry

Arrivederla · 08/02/2021 11:51

@Plussizejumpsuit

Also the people being cunts saying op is looking for an excuse need to have a look at themselves. Why go to the nastiest interpretation? Or are you just looking for somone to be unpleasant to?
Exactly this. Some really horrible and unhelpful posts on here.
LookItsMeAgain · 08/02/2021 11:54

I know this isn't probably going to be of much use to you until you find the laptop @FuckingFabulous, but if it is a shared laptop, can you have a 'place' for it that it gets returned to after someone uses it?
A really noticeable place for the laptop to be, so if your DH uses it, and doesn't return it to the 'place' after using it, that day, you can ask him to return it and when you're finished with it on a daily basis or whenever, you leave it back to the 'place'? If someone doesn't return it, it's very obvious and you would only have a few hours of carnage to go through rather than a whole weekends-worth?

I hope you find it soon too.

DahliaRoses · 08/02/2021 11:54

GET OFF BLOODY MUMSNET AND LOOK FOR IT. you didn't really need to ask for another extension, as you would easily find your laptop in one day. so you are being a bit of a pisstaker, yes.

OldPervsWithNoFannyOfTheirOwn · 08/02/2021 11:55

After the crisis is over read back your opening post:

I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself

This happened a week before you need your laptop (timebound & v important to you) and he announces:

He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own

You say your DH wouldn’t deliberately hide it, and I’m guessing you included that because you knew someone would think it. It was actually his response below that made me think it and the timing of the above that made me post suggesting it anyway even after you preemptively dismissed it.

I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it

Most people wouldn’t immediately fire back responsibility onto the other person without even making an effort, or would ask for help, not announce defeat.

I hope you find the laptop, get the assignment in and, most importantly, that all goes well at hospital and that your DC is well.

But when things are calmer maybe raise with DH how, even if he didn’t deliberately hide the laptop, his actions announcing he can’t find it and so you have to, and that he might have put it in any of the piles so you will have to sort all of his mess out may make him look the teensiest bit guilty of engineering this as punishment for you putting your foot down and to make you reluctant to be firm about your boundaries again in case something similar happens again.

If he really didn’t mean it he should still know that his actions could have detrimental consequences beyond what he intended, so if he really doesn’t want to cause you distress he needs to find a better way to manage his behaviours.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.