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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 12:30

Sort out the maximum extension you can OP. That will calm you and him enough to search methodically. You will find it. I agree with the suggestion of searching every room, from top to bottom. Taking a bit of time to do the easier rooms first will probably turn out to be more efficient in the end. Can he remember why he was using it?

boredinthouse · 08/02/2021 12:33

OP I’ve sent you a PM.

HadEnoughOfBears · 08/02/2021 12:41

Ask for the maximum extension you can get. If you don't use it all then fine.
There's no shame in asking for it particularly with all the constraints you are working under at the moment.

And step away from that hammer...

Allfednonedead · 08/02/2021 12:47

As someone with ADHD, with a DH with undiagnosed but obvious ADHD, you have my deepest sympathy.
You are doing so much, and are under so much stress, it is a miracle you have not thrown a great screaming tantrum at your poor DH.
Just one thing to think about later - you mentioned the doctor didn't want to prescribe meds because of the driving. It's true you have to notify the DVLA that you're taking them, but actually all the research shows you're much safer while medicated. Basically if the medsake you unsafe to drive, they're not doing their job, so why would you carry on taking them?
But that's for later, when the laptop is found, the assignment is handed in, your DD's condition stable and you have had a chance to calm down!
Feel free to pm me to ask about taking ADHD meds when that time comes.

PhillipPhillop · 08/02/2021 13:25

Completely understand how you can't find something in a house that has 'stuff' piled up. What I suggest is that you hole yourself upstairs and let dh cope with life downstairs. He can bring you food and drink when needed. If he is anything like my dp he will be going through those boxes at a snail's pace and definitely NOT methodically. He will get distracted by other items then forget what he's supposed to be looking for. Meaning the task will need to be started again so best if it's left to you in the first place. Is it possible to check it hasn't slipped down behind something in the room first? That would be my first thought but depends on the boxes. Also check stuff and then move it out of the room as it could be stuck between boxes. Can you tell I've done this before? Smile Good luck

BloggersBlog · 08/02/2021 13:26

I've stopped to make lunch and that's half the day gone. Soon it'll be time to make dinner, then I've got all the end of day stuff with DD.... I just feel so defeated

NO NO NO!!!! He does it for goodness sake - NOT YOU!!!! You get on with making up for his lack of ....whatever....you fill in the gap

AiryFairyMum · 08/02/2021 13:29

Not helpful I know, but I'd be smashing everything with the hammer until he finds it. How utterly selfish he seems to be.

chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 13:30

Remember to look up as well as down when searching. DH lost a folder years ago. We found it in a bag hung on a high coat hook.

Els1e · 08/02/2021 13:30

I can understand how frustrating this is. My mum has ADHD and there is this permanent sense of chaos around the house. I hope you find the laptop soon and can get on with your assignment.

diddl · 08/02/2021 13:30

I hope you get an extension, Op.

In all honesty, if he's not thoroughly & methodically looking through stuff, then you might as well look whilst he does everything else.

Myshinynewname · 08/02/2021 13:31

How long is the assignment? If you're absolutely stuck write it out and send it to me. I'll type it up for you tonight and email it to you. Would that help? You sound like you have been working really hard and I'd hate you to give up on something you've wanted for so long.
My DH has (undiagnosed/suspected) ADD and I understand how you feel. I love him and he has a lot of amazing qualities but living with him is exhausting at the best of times.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 08/02/2021 13:40

One job. Find the laptop. Ignore anything else. Root carefully through everything. You will find it. With a clear focused mind. Focused on one job. Find the laptop. You'll feel calmer (I guess) Lock yourself away. Send assignment. Then start on stacks of crap. Ensure your DP is standing close by. Push stacks over onto him. What a wonderful sense of achievement you'll have tonight. Xxx

IM0GEN · 08/02/2021 13:43

@SchnitzelVonCrummsTum

Another academic saying that this is an extremely good reason to need an extension - we don't just look at reasons for extensions in isolation, we consider the context in which the student is having to function. Particularly at the moment, we appreciate that there are tons of stressors (we're labouring under them too!). When someone has an unwell child and is having to cope with so much, you bet I'd bend over backwards to try and take some of that stress away by giving extra time. Flowers
This.

My DD is a student and half her classmates are asking for extensions and getting them. None of them have children or are carers.

Topseyt · 08/02/2021 13:46

Not much to add, but I would be furious too.

I hope you find it soon. When you do, don't lend it to him again. We have separate computers in this house as they are extremely personal items. That way you can keep it in a safe place.

Murmurur · 08/02/2021 13:49

I think the longhand writing is a good shout. You need to prioritise doing your actual work so you can provide evidence of having done it. Submit as photos by the deadline and then you can type it up (doing most of it with 2 thumbs on a phone if necessary) while you are in with DD.

I really feel for you OP.

Humblebumbleoh · 08/02/2021 13:55

I’d be furious too op.

Mellonsprite · 08/02/2021 13:58

Tbh I’d go nuclear at him, so you’re a better person than I am. It’s so careless, can he not understand why you’re frantic?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/02/2021 14:00

@TeeBee

Best you stay away from that hammer OP Wink
^ - this!
Motnight · 08/02/2021 14:02

When I started to read this thread I hadn't understood the situation that you are has to deal with, Op. Things can't continue this way.

Good luck.

SecondRow · 08/02/2021 14:04

Does he know where he was sitting when he used the laptop? Sitting on the bed maybe? In my case it would always be near a plug socket, I rarely use it on battery only in case it runs out so could you check near all the electrical sockets?

Oblomov21 · 08/02/2021 14:05

Find laptop. Give him a timeframe/deadline that he has to sort piles, put them back in the loft.
Just tell him that this is not ok.

chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 14:28

Good idea re electrical sockets.

MumInBrussels · 08/02/2021 14:36

@Myshinynewname

How long is the assignment? If you're absolutely stuck write it out and send it to me. I'll type it up for you tonight and email it to you. Would that help? You sound like you have been working really hard and I'd hate you to give up on something you've wanted for so long. My DH has (undiagnosed/suspected) ADD and I understand how you feel. I love him and he has a lot of amazing qualities but living with him is exhausting at the best of times.
This is such a nice thing to offer!
Hont1986 · 08/02/2021 14:45

You can write up an essay in Google Docs on your phone if you really can't find it.

RootyT00t · 08/02/2021 14:55

@AStudyinPink

How do you get to a point where there’s so much mess you can’t find a laptop with two grown humans on the case?
Quite
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