DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

[FuckingFabulous]

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

Oh and at the weekend, or when next possible, I'd be tempted to insist he stayed in the bedroom (or between there, attic and skip), until all the stuff is sorted and put away.

Sorting through stuff is hard and incredibly time-consuming. The only way is to push on through.

I can’t believe some of the replies here, she’s caring for her unwell child as a tiny part of her life. Sounds like you have a hell of a lot on your plate so enjoy that coffee. I don’t personally think ADHD would cause this, if he can normally hold down a job then there is no excuse for this. Glad you’ve made him look for it, I get stressed enough with the state of how my kids leave the house, I would want to rip my hair out if it was an adult doing it.

Hope you manage to get your work sorted and good luck at hospital.

Unless you think he’s taken it out of the house and lent it / sold it , get looking !

I would do whatever is needed to get the laptop found on time.

I’m interested that this is seen as a manifestation of your dh’s adhd. My exh used to do very similar things. Pulling everything out from all of the storage in the house and piling it up in much used and much needed spaces. In order to sort through it as it made him anxious. I’ve often wondering if he had adhd.

Your biggest mistake was letting him empty all that crap into your bedroom in the first place. I'd have probably tolerated one pile of stuff for 24 hours before bollocking him until he had got rid of it/stuffing it all in a bin bag and chucking it back in the shed/loft.

I’m sorry OP. My DH can be like this but not as extreme as yours by the sound of it.

Just to say I feel for you and I think you’ve had some shit responses on here by people just looking for an argument.

I really feel for you. I’m imagining how great it would be if you set up a skip outside your window and just launched his stuff into it as you go through the boxes - then he could just go through it and repack at his leisure, out of your way. I know it would be awful to actually do that, I know being a hoarder is not easy and it probably causes him a lot of anxiety, but it’s obvious how hard you are trying to make things work.

But if the boxes are neat, and organised, it's relatively easy to go through them.

But if a messy stack, and each containing very random things so you have to go through each individual box to the bottom, and moving a box could cause a whole stack to be unstable etc, yes that would take some time.

Jeeze, I can feel my whole body tensing up just reading this, OP.

And some of the responses you've had are incredibly unpleasant. I can only think that those people haven't bothered reading your posts about your sick daughter and the hospital.

I really hope DH finds it, and meanwhile, I hope you're reassured by the academics on here who are saying that asking for an extension simply isn't the issue that it would have been this time last year.
I also hope all goes well at the hospital.

It's extra shit that shouldn't need doing though.

He should know where he left the laptop & know better than to bury it in amongst stuff that he is sorting out.

OP, I am an OU tutor and in my experience you will easily be given an extra extension. Ask for longer than you need and take the pressure off yourself.
Is there anything you can do to make your laptop make a sound?

@saraclara

Jeeze, I can feel my whole body tensing up just reading this, OP.

And some of the responses you've had are incredibly unpleasant. I can only think that those people haven't bothered reading your posts about your sick daughter and the hospital.

I really hope DH finds it, and meanwhile, I hope you're reassured by the academics on here who are saying that asking for an extension simply isn't the issue that it would have been this time last year.
I also hope all goes well at the hospital.

I agree with this post.

Good luck, @FuckingFabulous to you and your DD.

*isitsafetocomeoutyet

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

So along with doing her degree and caring for her sick DD, she also has to micro-manage an overgrown manchild?

If the stacks of crap are going to mean important things get lost? Umm yeah, you don just let that happen. As for overgrown man child- you realise he has ADHD? It does require a level of help to keep some behaviours from bringing the house down round your ears. You don’t just let them carry on and say “now look what you’ve done!”

So it's her fault? She should have done more?

Wow. Just when you think you've seen everything on mumsnet.*

Absolutely, also can't believe this post blaming the op now for just not 'managing and supporting' her DH better....
I'm guessing those who just can't see how bad it could possibly be have never had to deal with any level of hoarding never mind extreme.
Over this pandemic the patients I've seen with this which have created difficulties with hospital admissions (actually accessing the patients home to get to them) and discharges have rocketed.

Thee comes a point where when your partner is this much of a burden, you have to question if you should stay in the relationship.

I'd be so furious that I'd want him out of my sight/the home for some time. Are his parents Nearby?

I feel stressed on your behalf. My DH piles stuff in the bedroom because hes too lazy to put it away. It does my head in so much I moved to another room.
Your laptop isn't under the bed is it? That's where ours get shoved just so no one stands on it.

There are a lot of people who lack empathy around online, aren't there.

OP, you've got a ton of shit to cope with, and I think you're brilliant for doing so well with it - I definitely would not be able to do half as much. I hope your husband is incredibly apologetic - I'm often overwhelmed by mess (which is ever present with 3 young kids) so I have some sympathy with his inability to know where to start, but he should be very sorry for causing the problem in the first place and keen to do whatever he can to fix it. Any sulkiness or wingeing from him would be completely unacceptable. I hope the laptop turns up soon!

I also hope your daughter's appointment goes ok, and that things become a bit easier for you all soon.

Another academic saying that this is an extremely good reason to need an extension - we don't just look at reasons for extensions in isolation, we consider the context in which the student is having to function. Particularly at the moment, we appreciate that there are tons of stressors (we're labouring under them too!). When someone has an unwell child and is having to cope with so much, you bet I'd bend over backwards to try and take some of that stress away by giving extra time.

Please remember too that your tutors care about your wellbeing, unlike bored and frustrated anonymous posters who are looking for someone to kick to make themselves feel better.

I am a uni lecturer. Some of the replies on here are mean. Far meaner than the university would be. At the moment we are giving a lot of extensions as people are overwhelmed by lockdown, caring responsibilities and just general life shittiness. Our students can get three weeks just by asking, and longer in consultation with wellbeing or other support. We are not mean about people asking for extensions, we don't think now is the time to pressure people, it's time to give them a bit of leeway and encourage them to get their work done and complete their degrees. It all ends up the same

Lucky most people on here don't work at a uni!

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson absolutely! Typical mumsnet to be less supportive to a mum of a sick child with a husband with ADHD than those actually affected by their late work!

Poor you OP.

Get to the kitchen table with mobile and a4 pad and pen.

Focus on what you can do and let your tutor know assignment will be in next week.

Channel rage at assignment - ignore DP completely whilst he finds the laptop and sorts the children or whatever just put him out of your head completely. He does not get your attention today.

I say this with love as a fellow disorganised house stressball carer. I know if this sort of thing happens to me I end up spending all day and most of the night unfucking the mess into organisation so life can carry on with a sense of normal tomorrow BUT the priority (your assignment) will be completely overlooked in the process.

So fuck it, no laptop today. Get the assignment down on paper. As done as it can be, ready to type out or take photos of on your mobile and send to a friend to start typing out.

Stick to your plan, get it done, ignore all else. Time raging is time wasted. Tomorrow is important dd day, today is for your assignment, don't lose focus.

and PM if you need prompting from one what been there

Particularly at the moment, we appreciate that there are tons of stressors (we're labouring under them too!).

Exactly OP, they've changed the marking time from 10 working days to 15 as everyone is under additional stress. Ask for the maximum and if you don't need it then that's fine. (said by someone who asked for the maximum last year as I was about 2 weeks behind, was unexpectedly furloughed and ended up handing it in a day early).

I would also being totally fuming !! I can TOTALLY see your situation in my mind and it drives me barmy

Good luck with everything OP. One foot in front of the other will get you there.