DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

[FuckingFabulous]

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

I haven’t read every post, just all OP’s posts so apologies if this has been said already but:

You have 2 secondary aged kids, right? What are they using for online learning right now- laptops? Can you not commandeer one of those to do the essay this evening, and leave the older kids and DH to look after DD, make dinner etc?

Also, could the older kids help in the search during a break for lessons?

Once you've written it up in longhand, take photos as well as trying the scan to text.

I'd then address the overlying issue of thirty tons of shit everywhere.

Bin bags. Big, strong bin bags.

Open box 1. Put everything in it that belongs to him or is less than absolutely essential into a bin bag. When the bin bag is full, put it in the wheelie bin outside.

Open box 2. Repeat.

Open box 3. Repeat.

By the time you've got to box 30, he doesn't own anything any more.

If during this time, you come across your marriage certificate, keep that to one side. It's handy when submitting a divorce application. Because ADHD is not a get out of jail free card when somebody has had their nose put out of joint in the last month and then had a perfect retaliatory opportunity presented to them.

DP does the boxing and stashing in the loft thing. He doesn't do it to my stuff, though. Because it's mine, not his.

Menual

What the fuck? I suggest you go away and research ADHD / executive dysfunction and the debilitating affect it can have on your life before you spout such offensive bullshit.

Oh do bore off.

The man is married with a child. He's perfectly capable of developing enough self-insight not to give himself a task of this magnitude. I managed to work out what kinds of things led to a feeling of complete overwhelmedness before I'd ever found out that there was such a term like executive dysfunction. What is he supposed to be, 14?

Knowing oneself and one's limits is a personal responsibility, especially when it will impact on others. If I decide to tip everything out of the loft, and sling it all over the bedroom, it won't just be me who is affected when I can't manage to deal with it.

Would you tell someone with ASD who struggled to communicate that they should just "stop inflicting their communication on others because it would be selfish and accomplish nothing"??

Hi! Welcome to my life!

Interesting news. Wallowing in having communication difficulties gets one nowhere. While I have asked for understanding from others in the past, I have also worked extremely hard to improve on my end.

Sounds like you have been seduced by the modern philosophy that once you've found out you have an official disability, you're excused from striving for self-improvement. I am so glad I was born too early for it. If I'd been exposed to this style of internet disability activism at a formative point in my adolescence, I wouldn't even be able to type this post. With unpleasant real-world consequences for me as no-one in the real world outside tumblr is really willing to be the unpaid support human for someone who doesn't put in any effort themselves. Well, not if you're female, anyway.

There is a sweet spot of mutual kindnesses between "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and expecting other people to manage and compensate for your difficulties for you. Finding that sweet spot starts with taking responsibility for your decisions (it was his idea to do an epic clear-out!) and noticing what you struggle with, so you can develop coping strategies. And no, creating problems and then passing the buck to someone else is not a coping strategy.

Ah, well, I'm sure I'll change no minds here.

Off I go to heave everything out of the garage on to the driveway, and then just stare at it in a paroxym of indecision. Then I can just demand DH drops everything (and he's got a lot on this week!) to sort it out for me, yeah?

I can understand why you would be absolutely fuming. Stay away from the hammer! During my Masters, I spilled hot coffee on my computer and I had to type all the end of my dissertation. I simply went to a friends place and borrowed her laptop. In Covid times, I would ask my neighbour or a friend to lend me their laptop, then type it all and disinfect their keyboard.

The important thing is that you try and remove yourself from the situation and focus on the task at hand as your levels of stress must be at an all time high

It must be incredibly stressful trying to sleep in a room that is full of things like tools taken out of the shed. I hope you live in a bungalow because the idea of emptying a shed into an upstairs bedroom is crazy!

I’m a bit concerned that he was able to bulldozer you into allowing the stuff to be put there OP. Do you feel afraid to stand up to him?

No luck yet I take it.

I hoard myself and am terrible for putting stuff in dumb places, I can fully understand it taking ages to find. I recently emptied a box and found a lost book I'd been looking for - a book I had previously looked in that very box for and didn't notice!

Do you have a copy online or on a USB stick? If so, I think there comes a point when you tell DH you're going to Tesco/Asda to buy a new laptop and he's paying for it!

@AllMyPrettyOnes

Well it's got to be in the house somewhere. Do you really need another extension?! It could turn up in ten minutes.

I think you need to ascertain that first. Has he thrown it out by mistake ? Has he taken it to Cash Convertors ? Just going through the ridiculous piles should take no longer than an hour. When I lose stuff, I blitz each room one by one and close the door when I've done this.

Have you got any friends who would lend you a laptop? Put a facebook post up or something. A surprising amount of us hang on to cranky old ones with knackered batteries and the like "just in case".

Still not found. I could weep. Actually, to be truthful, I fully intend to take myself into the shower and sob my heart out in a little while.

Thanks to the poster who offered to type it up for me. I'm very touched. Also the poster who sent me a PM. Really lovely people. I very much hope I won't need to take anyone up on their very kind offers. My tutor has said they're happy to grant me to the end of the week and to be in touch if I need more time, so that's good. I will be getting in touch with the student support services to explain my situation a little more and see if they can offer me any support. Ditto with the special circumstances, I didn't know about that.

I've noted what one poster said about medication and the DVLA. Also what another few said about hoarding and keeping an eye on the behaviour.

I've ordered a huge skip just for house and garden stuff and told DH that it's coming and he absolutely has to sort what's going in it with me and prioritise what he wants to keep
from his hoards or I'll lob it all in and he'll have to replace anything essential that ends up in it. I've also told him that if I have to do the assignment on one of the DCs laptops after hours (both live lessons all day and they have teams/zoom meetings with friends after) then that is what I will do, but that he will definitely replace that laptop for me at the start of next week if it's not found.

What's occurred to me and is concerning me now is two potential things. One- that we HAD a skip recently due to a refurbishment (I've got that on my plate too) and I'm really feeling that DH might have mistakenly put my laptop in the skip that got collected a few days ago. Genuinely. Because I have scoured the bedroom and pulled out every box and emptied them, knocked over the piles and sifted through like a mad woman and I've not found it. I wasn't expecting it to be an easy find and expected it to show up somewhere mental like behind the bathroom radiator or something. It's nowhere I can find it! Dh is scratching his head and saying he doesn't understand it, he used it and he put it somewhere..... but then mentioned he already chucked "a few boxes of crap" in the little skip we had so he is also wanting to have a clear out.

Two- he's put some boxes up in the loft but he's no idea which boxes or where, and that is absolutely rammed with stuff. The laptop may be in there.

And because of his ADHD it would be unkind for me to say "DH, you fucking idiot!! How have you let this happen?? Think about what you're doing!! Stop creating such fucking chaos!! Stop making me need to hold your hand through basic adulting!!!"

No matter how much I might want to right now in my frustrated state, that would be cruel. So, whilst he absolutely knows I'm pissed off, it's here that I'm doing my venting.

So. Now I'm feeling a bit less panicked, a lot more sad, and a bit more focused...... I've got all my notes. I can definitely use my daughters laptop when she's in hospital. I won't be able to send it, but I can definitely do it, and then send when I'm home. I'll take all my notes and annotations with me, plus her laptop. But if I tell DH that I could do it like that, he'll totally stop looking and won't feel any need to find it, and also will feel like I no longer have any need to be upset. And I think I do.

Is there a possibility he's actually very carefully put it somewhere before starting and then forgotten?

I had a couple of weeks special/bereavement leave when my mum was dying. Finally went back to work.. couldn't find my work laptop anywhere. Looked in all my usual places. Called my in-laws in case I'd taken it there when they were helping with the kids. Panicked in case I'd taken it to the hospital.

A day later when I'd calmed down I found it in the drawer I had carefully tucked it in the day we got the news, because I'd known I wouldn't be working for a bit and it should be somewhere secure.

I think you are putting too much down to ADHD here. Yes, some of it may be down to that. But the rest of it is down to his utter selfishness - and your willingness to pick up the pieces every time he breaks something. So where's the incentive for him to stop crashing around and be more careful?

Because, really, if he has form for losing things, he shouldn't be asking to borrow anything.

Borrow one of the children's laptops and they can timeshare the other after school. Them talking to friends is not as important as your essay and there is no harm in them understanding that.

I would absolutely use a child's laptop for an adult to complete something essential.

Op, why shouldn't you scream and shout at him for once? This is so important to you and with all the other things going on you're allowed to vent and not hold it in because of his ADHD. Does he realise everything seems to rest on your shoulders?

^
And because of his ADHD it would be unkind for me to say "DH, you fucking idiot!! How have you let this happen?? Think about what you're doing!! Stop creating such fucking chaos!! Stop making me need to hold your hand through basic adulting!!!"^

You're making too many concessions. Unless this is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he's got the capacity to remember previous events.

Remember to keep backing up your essay as you type including onto a memory stick.

Agree with pp. He may have adhd but as an adult he should have strategies in place to reduce the impact on his family, which could include medication. Presumably he does so to cope at work.

Definitely use your dd's laptop while she is not needing it. It sounds as if you are also carrying the brunt of your dc care and wellbeing. Have a think about what he could reasonably do to relieve this. (Could he do lunch while you looked) It is possible you have taken on more responsibility over time that he could share, even if done slower or differently to how you might.

I've only read the OP's posts so apologies if this has been mentioned multiple times, but have you taken photographs to keep a record of what you're having to deal with?

Is there is a chance that he knows he put it in the skip? The first thing he said to you was that he didnt think he would be able to find it. Did he maybe say that because he knows it is gone?

Argos do same say delivery on a lot of stuff. He could order you one tonight/tomorrow morning and you would have it by tomorrow afternoon. It needs to come out of his own personal spending money though; not any joint funds.

Why cant you shout at him? People with ADHD are not absolved of responsibility. They have to learn to self improve just like everyone else. They need to learn coping mechanisms. Like he knew he wouldn't finish this job after piling everything into your bedroom... so why did he even start? He isnt stupid. He knows his own pattern. He did it anyway. He could have taken a step back, talked to you before doing it, found an alternative like 10 boxes at a time and bot allowed to open anything else until the junk has been binned and the keep stuff put into labelled boxes. But he didnt; he plowed right in doing what you say he always does, and now he cant finish because he is overwhelmed.

His condition isnt an excuse for this. It's an excuse for the initial urges and struggling with it if this had been someone else forcing it on him. He is old enough to know better and work around his condition. You absolutely can lose your temper at him.

Maybe he hasnt bothered to learn how to manage this, and to think about others before himself, because you walk on eggshells around it and dont confront any of the horrible things his behaviour puts you and your children through.

Its maybe time to try a different method of dealing with him. Make him see what it has made you feel. Make him sort out coping strategies.

@PhillipPhillop

Op, why shouldn't you scream and shout at him for once? This is so important to you and with all the other things going on you're allowed to vent and not hold it in because of his ADHD. Does he realise everything seems to rest on your shoulders?

I'm not 100% sure he does realise that.

He works well with structure imposed on him very strictly. He was in the military for many years and his condition was managed well by virtue of the environment. But I am not a drill instructor and I refuse to be one. Maybe that's a reason for the hoarding- not having many personal possessions when living on base etc. But I'm not interested in delving into it right now. I'm just so disappointed that the things that are mine are given such poor priority and value.

@kirktonhouse

I've only read the OP's posts so apologies if this has been mentioned multiple times, but have you taken photographs to keep a record of what you're having to deal with?

Yes, I definitely do this.

I found a lost laptop down the side of a sofa once, hidden behind a cushion.

I agree that its odd that the first thing he said is that you wouldn't be able to find it - if he had it recently surely that would make it more likely that you would find it soon - i.e. because at least you would know it is in the house somewhere.

Is there is a chance that he knows he put it in the skip? The first thing he said to you was that he didnt think he would be able to find it. Did he maybe say that because he knows it is gone?

I hate to say it, but I agree with this.

Do you think he knows he's fucked up and has gotten rid of it completely?

@Murmurur

Borrow one of the children's laptops and they can timeshare the other after school. Them talking to friends is not as important as your essay and there is no harm in them understanding that.

100% this. If you allow them to prioritise chatting to your friends that is just silly.