Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 07/02/2021 22:05

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

In pretty much all matters I say that a parent needs to treat a step child like their own child. But not here. Not in this. It is entirely up to you who is present when you give birth. Absolutely your choice.
This!!

Step children should be treated equally but that does NOT mean the SAME.

Your DH is being a dick

GladAllOver · 07/02/2021 22:06

I can't imagine how anyone could say YABU not to allow someone at the birth. It is entirely your choice and you don't even need to explain your reasons. They are private too.

feistyoneyouare · 07/02/2021 22:06

[quote Conundrumofsorts]@feistyoneyouare I have already clarified that op should have who she wants there so I have no idea why you equate my dislike of the way a child is being talked about to saying otherwise.

No back story? It’s obvious that op does not like this girl and I would have preferred it if this had come out originally.

I don’t like this child, I don’t want her there. No drama.[/quote]
Yes, you did clarify it. The bit I'm really getting at, and which you haven't answered, is why a truthful description of unpleasant behaviour on a child's part is so intolerable to you. You can't possibly believe children are total innocents and 100% incapable of behaving unpleasantly. Yes, the OP's DSD is a child, seeing as the italics seem important to you. But it sounds like she's a child who's capable of unpleasant behaviour from time to time, which I've already said I don't think anyone can blame the little girl for.

It's your apparent intolerance to anything negative being said about a child's behaviour that I find unrealistic, as though children are perfect paragons who must be defended to the hilt at all costs.

unmarkedbythat · 07/02/2021 22:07

No one has a right to be present. You're the one giving birth. You choose.

MessAllOver · 07/02/2021 22:08

Ask him if he has discussed it with DSD's mother. If he hasn't, tell him to talk to her about it. There is no way I would want my child in the room with an unrelated woman giving birth and in pain. I might offer to bring her round a couple of days later so she could meet her new sibling in good time.

stevalnamechanger · 07/02/2021 22:09

I'd tell him he won't be there either

Lullaby88 · 07/02/2021 22:09

I feel bad for you OP, it is 100% your choice who you have there at such a vulnerable moment. You need to be comfortable. I hope your husband can find some common sense and empathy within himself to realise the pain of childbirth and he is making it more difficult for you? Hes being ridiculous!

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 07/02/2021 22:11

YANBU

Your husband has no say who is present when you give birth.

I’m due in 8 weeks. I’ve told DH to have his kids for extra days in the run up to the birth as when I come home from hospital I want a quiet house in which to recover with no visitors (including SC) for at least a week. You are definitely not being unreasonable not wanting her there whilst you give birth.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 22:12

What?!?! It’s not a social occasion or a spectator sport. I tell you what, when he next needs a prostrate exam or is passing kidney stones invite your best friend, your mum and your sister. See what he thinks of that. No one cares what he thinks or who he wants there. I know there have been some mental threads lately but this is a whole new level

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 22:13

@feistyoneyouare I don’t need to answer to your demands Grin. How on earth do you know if the op is being truthful?

I find it a little odd to be so fixated on a child being evil and manipulative. I rather think it’s a little girl who has some sort of trauma at being caught in the middle of a not very amicable situation with her parents.

Adults have a huge advantage here in terms of autonomy, emotional development and maturity.

That’s why I feel uncomfortable at some of the things being said.

I hope that answers your questions.

catinbootsx · 07/02/2021 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 22:13

What if you'd said you wanted your mum there and he said in that case his mum should be there or it's not fair. It's just really odd to me that he would expect you to be comfortable with his daughter there unless you really saw her as your own daughter.

MichelleofzeResistance · 07/02/2021 22:14

Oh so it's about him wanting to do the drive when it suits him more than about DSD.

It sounds like your prediction is right that DSD's mother will not be up for this at all, not to mention you have dealt with DSD being delightful about the last baby you had so you know from experience she's not going to be spellbound and desperate to be involved, or very nice to you. And you being tense and stressed during the birth is not in your or the baby's best interests. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And that would be apart from the most essential bit that you're the one giving birth and anyone present is there solely because you've chosen for them to be a help and support to you in the process. Or because they're a child of yours that you have no other childcare for.

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 22:16

I have just re read your silly little digs about italics and really wish I hadn’t bothered answering you. I feel quite embarrassed that you focussed on that in an attempt to win an internet argument.

Lemmeout · 07/02/2021 22:16

Omg I would blow my fucking top in this situation . It’s your body. No way, yuor are her live fucking life experience to witness. Fuck no. He is being a total cunt,

Draineddraineddrained · 07/02/2021 22:17

Would it be odd of me to ask why you love her so much when she's so bloody horrible to you? I'm a big advocate of stepparents knowing what they're getting into and treating all the kids in their blended family the same, but that doesn't mean you would LOVE a child who it seems behaves quite horribly to you. Is this you doing PMA (fake it til you make it) or just that you know stepparents get shat on a bit on MN if they express any issue with their step kids and don't want the thread derailed down that route?

Ps YANBU at all, you decide who gets to see you birthing, your DH is a knob. I assume he is often a knob if he's done nothing to discipline his child who has said such horrendous things to you.

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 22:18

@catinbootsx

These step-parent/blended family threads are so depressing. Every. Single. Time.

What is this incessant need to have children with every single partner, with no consideration for the ones that are already here?

Exactly.
CutePixie · 07/02/2021 22:19

YANB. At 10/11 years old I’d be traumatised if I saw my mum give birth. Your body your choice.

PADH · 07/02/2021 22:19

@tara66

I still don't get that it is not OP's 10 year old daughter who breast feeding. There are only 3 girls at the moment. Her own 2 girls aged 11 and 10 and one stepdaughter aged 10. So one of them is still breast feeding??
Her daughters are 11 and 2 - she breastfeeds the 2yo. Her step daughter is 10.
timeisnotaline · 07/02/2021 22:19

Terminallysleepdeprived
Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours
This is wrong in every way. He’s not even entitled to be there himself, much less select the other spectactors. NOONE who the op doesn’t want is entitled to be there, because it’s her body.

Embracelife · 07/02/2021 22:20

Up to you who is in room with you.
If you want dd and not dsd it is your choice.

You have dd 11 with your dh.

Then he went and had dsd who is 10 with someone else ?
Then he came back and you have dd age 2 and now a baby.

So older dd and dsd have same father?

Meggymoo777 · 07/02/2021 22:21

This situation is mental... your DH is absolutely nuts. Who exactly does he think he is trying to dictate who's in the room when you give birth?

Has he honestly just stormed out to his mother's? Let's hope his mother talks some sense into him and he comes back with a grovelling apology.

And absolutely blow your top with him, how dare he stress you with this crazy bullshit idea 2 weeks before you give birth.

Bumblebee1980a · 07/02/2021 22:22

Absolutely agree with you. Your body, your birth. It's important you're comfortable and relaxed.

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 22:23

Oh so it's about him wanting to do the drive when it suits him more than about DSD.

Surely it's more about him not wanting to drive a 9-hour trip when OP has just given birth, leaving her alone with a newborn.

BiggestJulie · 07/02/2021 22:23

Of course it is your choice who is there when you give birth. Nevertheless, although it is your body, this baby comes in to a family and your step daughter has as close a relationship to the baby as your daughters. If you don't want your step daughter there, then I think it would be wrong to allow your daughters and exclude her. I would say make it just you and your husband and the other children can come in when you are ready - but it shouldn't be some siblings and not others. That really seems wrong to me, and I understand how it could feel hurtful to your husband and step daughter.