Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
tatutata · 07/02/2021 21:31

He's such a moron I would dump him. Just for his total lack of knowledge or even interest in how childbirth works.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 21:31

@Conundrumofsorts I'm not accusing her of any crimes! I love her to bits I do a lot for her and I enjoy having her here. We'd already planned for her to arrive 2 days after the birth which isn't an ideal time tbh as your milks coming in and you're bleeding and hormonal to have a child telling you you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc. That was what happened when DD2 was born but I sucked it up and got on with it because she is DHs daughter and has the right to meet her baby sister ASAP. She does not have the right to be there when I'm giving birth though, that's my choice and my choice at the moment is looking to not even include DH

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 21:33

But also, personally, I think a labour room is no place for any kid.

Arobase · 07/02/2021 21:34

Where on earth do these people get the idea that giving birth is a theatre performance to which they can invite whoever they want? It's absolutely bizarre to invite anyone, no matter how close, to come along to watch your wife naked and in pain without at least finding out first how your wife feels about it.

FlyingPandas · 07/02/2021 21:35

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Mumski45 there's no impossible position at all. Dsd lives 4.5 hours away and comes once a month if she feels like it. Shes shown zero interest in the baby other than telling me her mum says I'm likely to miscarry because I'm so old (34 btw). Shes not bothered. Hes decided he would prefer to do the big long round trip to pick her up before I give birth rather than after because that's what suits him, and is dressing it up as him wanting DSD there at the birth. He's got a son too and has shown no interest in having him there.[/quote]
The more I read of your posts OP the more i can't quite work out why you wanted to have DC with him at all...

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 21:35

Hes decided he would prefer to do the big long round trip to pick her up before I give birth rather than after because that's what suits him, and is dressing it up as him wanting DSD there at the birth

I do have to agree with him on this one - I don't think it is a good idea for him to leave you and do a 9-hour trip straight after you have given birth leaving you with a new born and a 2-year-old DD regardless of whether your older DD is there. I do think it would be better for him to preferably get DSD before you go into labour.

BakewellGin1 · 07/02/2021 21:38

All I am taking from this is that you are very brave giving birth at home with your children there.

I would have felt responsible for them as well as myself and don't think I personally could focus on giving birth.

Also I'm thinking my DS11 would have been traumatised if he could have heard anything from either of my births and I was relatively quiet. Being in the room would have awful for him.

If I was you I'd be leaving all DC with DH and going off on my own to give birth would probably be more relaxing and save any arguments of who is where.

Melroses · 07/02/2021 21:38

I was at a neighbours when my DSis was born.

The idea of being there never entered anyone's heads (I knew nothing until she was born anyway). I saw her when they were both tucked up in bed and the midwife had tidied up.

At that age, getting a little hold of a nice clean wrapped up newborn baby was a massive treat.

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2021 21:39

You can choose to have who you want present when you give birth. He is 100% unreasonable in treating it as a spectator sport.

I do think he has a point about collecting his daughter before you go into labour rather than leaving you with a newborn and 2 children a matter of days after giving birth though.

Kaia20 · 07/02/2021 21:40

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for deciding who you want at the birth but what I think is unreasonable is that you’re here saying ‘I don’t dislike her at all’ and ‘I love her to bits’ but in the same paragraph coming out with things she’s done and her facial expressions and the thought of her face whilst you give birth making you feel ill.
I might be wrong but it’s really coming across that you don’t like this little girl AT ALL.
Don’t have her at the birth if you don’t want her at the birth, but don’t sugar coat it then roll it in shit. You clearly don’t like her.

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 21:40

At that age, getting a little hold of a nice clean wrapped up newborn baby was a massive treat.

Yes. Same. And seeing my mum in extreme pain, all covered in blood would have terrified me.

nodrink · 07/02/2021 21:41

@Soontobe60

Obviously it’s completely your decision. However, look at it from both girls POV. This baby is their half sibling, an equal relationship. They’re almost the same age. They are step sisters. If you choose to have your dd there over your dsd you’re creating division between them. You’re saying your dd is more important to the baby that your dsd. Personally, if you really don’t want her there, then I think your dd shouldn’t be there either. They can both stay in their rooms and come in to see their new sibling once it’s been born.
Totally agree with this!
homeschoolingyay · 07/02/2021 21:42

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme,

Confused It's not extreme. I'd feel the same.

I'd not have any of the dcs in the room tbh. Childbirth isn't pretty. It can be quite shocking and distressing to watch. I'd rather give birth than watch someone giving birth any day.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 21:43

OMG giving birth is 100% about the POV of the woman giving birth!!!
Banging my head off a wall here 🤦‍♀️

AB1GA1L · 07/02/2021 21:46

@2typesofjungle

Giving birth isn't really a spectators sport, so if I were you I'd knock the lot of them on the head.
This. Your body your choice.

I have three teenagers now and they won’t even stay in the room if I change my top. You couldn’t pay them enough to watch me give birth.

But good for you and your DD if that’s what you both want. Your DP can fuck the fuck off.

feistyoneyouare · 07/02/2021 21:47

@Conundrumofsorts

It’s not ‘just someone else’s child’! It’s a sibling. It’s awful how this child is being described, as deliberately making someone feel uncomfortable and all the other crimes she is supposed to have committed.
So children are perfect and can do no wrong?? Would you want to give birth with a child staring at you in the way OP has described her DSD doing? FWIW I'm not blaming the child, her behaviour sounds like it's been instilled by the mother. But the OP is more than entitled to feel she wouldn't want to give birth with that going on, FFS.
MeridianB · 07/02/2021 21:50

@MessAllOver

YANBU.

But honestly... In your shoes, I would take myself off to the local birth centre by myself where I could just focus on me and leave the whole bloody lot of them to sort themselves out.

This... because it sounds like your DH has sufficiently bad judgment to bring his DD into the room to stare at you anyway, at which point you’ll be able to do nothing about it.

He’s a prize prat.

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 21:52

@feistyoneyouare I have already clarified that op should have who she wants there so I have no idea why you equate my dislike of the way a child is being talked about to saying otherwise.

No back story? It’s obvious that op does not like this girl and I would have preferred it if this had come out originally.

I don’t like this child, I don’t want her there. No drama.

Kaia20 · 07/02/2021 21:55

Exactly this.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 07/02/2021 21:57

@FortunesFave

I think you 'very much hoping" your DD would come into the room is a bit weird.

It's not pretty or moving for a child to see! It's bloody awful!

I'd just say no children in the room at all!

I don’t think this is true universally. My cousin watched both her siblings being born, she was 12 for the first. She was fascinated and excited and proud of her Mum. It didn’t put her off in any way and she went on to have 2 home births herself. Her brother on the other hand did not want to be in the room at all, but did stick his head round the door at one point to say could they all shut up because he was trying to sleep Hmm
CJsGoldfish · 07/02/2021 22:00

Of course you are the one who decides who is in the room.
It isn't the not wanting dsd there that is an issue, it's the insistence that your other dd's witness the birth.
Your eldest doesn't want to and your youngest won't be old enough to process and/or reconcile what she is seeing. But you would 'love' for them to be there to see it.
Fulfilling some kind of weird fantasy in your own mind about how delightful it would be for them isn't thinking of them or the reality at all. It also not respecting what your own child has told you.

I wish you well OP but please be a bit more considerate and realistic here. Even though I'm sure everything will go wonderfully for you, there is always that slight chance it doesn't and the potential effect it may have on your CHILDREN really does need to be considered.

MeridianB · 07/02/2021 22:01

you you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc

Wait, she said this to you two years ago when your youngest DD was born? Please tell, me her father made her apologise?

And this...Dsd lives 4.5 hours away and comes once a month if she feels like it. Shes shown zero interest in the baby other than telling me her mum says I'm likely to miscarry because I'm so old

seriously?! This is vile.

tara66 · 07/02/2021 22:02

I still don't get that it is not OP's 10 year old daughter who breast feeding. There are only 3 girls at the moment. Her own 2 girls aged 11 and 10 and one stepdaughter aged 10. So one of them is still breast feeding??

BornOnThe4thJuly · 07/02/2021 22:05

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours
Is he fuck! Come off it, he’s not giving birth for crying out loud Confused
12frogsincoats · 07/02/2021 22:05

@tara66

I still don't get that it is not OP's 10 year old daughter who breast feeding. There are only 3 girls at the moment. Her own 2 girls aged 11 and 10 and one stepdaughter aged 10. So one of them is still breast feeding??
Her DDs are 11 and 2.
Swipe left for the next trending thread