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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 07/02/2021 22:23

@timeisnotaline

*Terminallysleepdeprived Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours* This is wrong in every way. He’s not even entitled to be there himself, much less select the other spectactors. NOONE who the op doesn’t want is entitled to be there, because it’s her body.
This!!! ^ Honestly, I can't believe some of the responses on this thread...
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 22:23

What is this incessant need to have children with every single partner, with no consideration for the ones that are already here?
I hope this is just a general statement and not a dig at the OP that she didn’t, years ago, clarify that she didn’t want to consider his child by inviting her to watch her give birth.

Blurp · 07/02/2021 22:23

You're not being unreasonable at all, OP. It's up to you who's there.

But if neither of the older girls want to be there, and the younger girl is too young to be bothered but needs to be looked after, why not put the 10 & 11 year olds in charge of the 2 year old? Your DH can check on them every so often; give them snacks and DVDs or something (whatever will help them keep the 2yo entertained) and they'll be fine.

If they wanted to be there it would be different, but they don't particularly, so it would probably be best to respect that, and use it as a way to solve your dilemma.

feistyoneyouare · 07/02/2021 22:23

@Conundrumofsorts

I have just re read your silly little digs about italics and really wish I hadn’t bothered answering you. I feel quite embarrassed that you focussed on that in an attempt to win an internet argument.
Do you? I don't. It felt relevant.
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 22:24

your step daughter has as close a relationship to the baby as your daughters
The parent/child relationship is paramount here, not the sibling relationship.

PADH · 07/02/2021 22:25

@catinbootsx

These step-parent/blended family threads are so depressing. Every. Single. Time.

What is this incessant need to have children with every single partner, with no consideration for the ones that are already here?

I have a blended family but have had no need to post about because it works well and we've had no drama. Obviously only difficulties within families are posted on here but its not representative of all families. Its the same reason we only hear about controlling MILs etc - it's not reflective because the good ones don't warrant a thread.
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 22:27

I promise I'm not breastfeeding a 10 year old! I have an 11yo and a 2yo. Dsd is 10 and I dont dislike her or think she is evil manipulative or any of the above. She is cute and funny and loves her little sister a lot, she can be very kind and caring. She does have a lot of issues due to the high level of conflict between DH and her mum and has been very very unpleasant to me in the past. Usually it doesn't bother me as she is a little girl and doesnt mean it and I'm an easy target. But giving birth is a very vulnerable time and I need to feel relaxed and comfortable and I won't with her there, just like I wouldnt with my MIL there or the next door neighbour. It does NOT mean I hate her!

In terms of my kids being there, its not my first choice. Noone wants to mind them due to covid, and I wanted a home birth anyway so it was the easy solution. DD will be on the 3rd floor with her headphones on and a load of snacks, but if she wanders down for any reason I would be fine with that. I won't want her around during the majority of labour (she talks wayyyy too much ) but in my head it seemed a nice idea for her to see the birth itself - clearly most people think that's weird and I take that on board. She doesn't want to anyway. But if it was DSD wandering in and out for a nose because she got bored, I couldn't stand that and I think even if she was upstairs i would be worried in case she appeared, then told me later how pathetic and ugly I looked when I want to feel powerful and amazing and like I've achieved something wonderful.

OP posts:
EvilKinevil · 07/02/2021 22:27

I think this post should actually be moved onto the stepparenting board. OP you need to be heard by other stepmothers who share your life experience. Of course YANBU.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/02/2021 22:29

He does know where babies come out from, doesn't he?

How appropriate is it to bring another woman's child into a room to look at somebody's vulva and anus? Just because there will be a baby coming out at the same time, that doesn't mean it's appropriate for her to be expected to look at it. An actual child, well, even if they're wanting to be present, they've been there themselves - but not somebody else's.

Mind you, if he stays sulking at Mummy's instead, it'll be the perfect time to relax and have the birth you are most relaxed with...and hopefully, baby will agree!

PokemonTrainerRed · 07/02/2021 22:30

If you've expressed a romantic view of childbirth with your kids there I'm not surprised that your h wants dsd there.

However- hasn't he seen a birth? Doesn't he know there could be blood, poo, your naked bits, screaming etc? It doesn't sound like the sort of place that any child should be.

Would he have a prostate exam with your dd11 in the room? He must be able to articulate why he'd rather shrivel into a ball than have her there.

Tell him that you realise that dd11 won't be in the room until baby is born (and maybe cleaned of blood and maybe you'll need to cover your lower half to save her blushes ) but he needs to stop controlling the birth. You are going through it so the choices will be yours unless the midwife asks him for a decision in case that you can't make one.

Tell him that he must know deep down that dsd and her mum won't want that to happen. Having a new baby will inevitably make him reflect on dsd's birth but she can come down a couple of days afterwards.

ChonkyChook · 07/02/2021 22:30

He's got a son too? Is that a 3rd Mum? Busy chap.

Gone to stay with his Mum because his partner won't give birth like a zoo exhibit. Quite the catch.

In your shoes I'd give birth at hospital, he can look after the kids and you'll be looked after by a midwife and won't feel like you're having a baby on a school trip.

Pepperxo · 07/02/2021 22:31

Err I wouldn't have any of them there. I wouldn't be able to parent be responsible for children's feelings when I'm in the middle of giving birth.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 22:32

@Draineddraineddrained shes not always horrible to me, not by a long shot. Shes lovely a lot of the time and the VAST majority of nasty things shes said are her mothers words coming out of her mouth. Shes only little and she can be very sweet. She was difficult when I was pregnant with DD2 and straight after her birth but shes been great about 80% of the time since. Still don't want her to see my vagina though

OP posts:
ClarencesMum · 07/02/2021 22:32

You've already turned it into an event by wanting your own children there so his child has a place there too if they want.

Though why you'd want any type of audience is beyond me, but you do so it's all or nothing.

CutePixie · 07/02/2021 22:32

@ShinyGreenElephant maybe you shouldn’t have either of the girls present. Childbirth isn’t always a smooth process and it might upset your DD.

How long have you been with your DH? Is your DD2 his? If so, did you make an effort to include your DD1 and DSD in raising her? After all, they are both half siblings of your younger DC.

Pepperxo · 07/02/2021 22:32

I'd go to the hospital for a break from them all.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/02/2021 22:32

YADNBU! It’s you giving birth and you need to feel totally relaxed and like you’re in an utterly safe sanctum. If you don’t want your DSD there then that’s it. You won’t be able to relax and she’ll potentially upset you or cause problems (inadvertently) with the birth.

Your DH is being a complete idiot about it. Personally I’d be considering having him there too.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2021 22:32

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Conundrumofsorts I'm not accusing her of any crimes! I love her to bits I do a lot for her and I enjoy having her here. We'd already planned for her to arrive 2 days after the birth which isn't an ideal time tbh as your milks coming in and you're bleeding and hormonal to have a child telling you you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc. That was what happened when DD2 was born but I sucked it up and got on with it because she is DHs daughter and has the right to meet her baby sister ASAP. She does not have the right to be there when I'm giving birth though, that's my choice and my choice at the moment is looking to not even include DH[/quote]
How can you enjoy having a child with you who is so rude and dismissive?

jarofsticks · 07/02/2021 22:33

So he's buggered off out now so you don't get your opportunity to tell him what you need to say? Classic dick move, he gets to cool off and probably go complain to his mother about how hard done by he is while you have to stay home with the kids and talk to noone.
What will you do if he just goes ahead and picks her up early? Or if he huffs off out and leaves you to labour alone? I know you said you'd rather he wasn't there but is your mum going to come help in that scenario?

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 22:34

But if neither of the older girls want to be there, and the younger girl is too young to be bothered but needs to be looked after, why not put the 10 & 11 year olds in charge of the 2 year old? Your DH can check on them every so often; give them snacks and DVDs or something (whatever will help them keep the 2yo entertained) and they'll be fine.

If they wanted to be there it would be different, but they don't particularly, so it would probably be best to respect that, and use it as a way to solve your dilemma.

Exactly this!
I can't see your DSD wondering in for a nose if she really doesn't want to see you giving birth - most kids her age will never come downstairs again Grin

What room will you be having the baby in?
Is it possible to block this room off eg lock the door put something in front of it so you can relax knowing no one is going to barge in?

I am thinking it might be quite stressful for your older DD so having someone there a similar age might be helpful for her if they get on well.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2021 22:34

@ClarencesMum

You've already turned it into an event by wanting your own children there so his child has a place there too if they want.

Though why you'd want any type of audience is beyond me, but you do so it's all or nothing.

No it's not.

I've been present at the birth of a few of my DGC. Their other GM was not.

Meggymoo777 · 07/02/2021 22:34

@ClarencesMum

You've already turned it into an event by wanting your own children there so his child has a place there too if they want.

Though why you'd want any type of audience is beyond me, but you do so it's all or nothing.

You are completely batshit 🤣
Summersummer22 · 07/02/2021 22:35

You can have who you want at your birth OP.

I’m shocked to read your partners child is 10. I haven’t read your full update OP. I can’t engage with your first couple of descriptions as I assumed she would be quite a bit older. From your description... I’m glad I’m not anybody's step child!

When more children are created AFTER the existing ones FIRST it seems there conflict because those who come after seem to want to take PRIORITY!!

rawalpindithelabrador · 07/02/2021 22:36

I wouldn't have him in there, either.

Whichname98 · 07/02/2021 22:36

YADNBU