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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
mumwon · 07/02/2021 21:14

I can understand at the moment why some women might want to give birth at home
That little thing called covid
In days gone by children were often there at the birth & its only fairly recently that women went into hospital - traditionally mums to be would give birth in the 2 up/downs in the front room! (kept for posh don't you know!)
make sure they see the call the midwife :) for preparation!
I think your not so dh is a prat. Does he think your a queen who needs to give birth publicly?

pistachioglace · 07/02/2021 21:15

DSD should be welcome to be at the house but you shouldn't have any children at the birth, it's not always going to be appropriate to have children there and seeing their mother in pain as dramatic as childbirth would seem to children is too much.

feistyoneyouare · 07/02/2021 21:15

I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD ?

Here we go again. Unless stepmums treat their stepkids identically to their own kids in every single facet, we're accused of not liking them. Your assumption is baseless. Can you honestly not understand how different it would feel for the OP to have her DSD in the room while she gives birth, no matter how much she likes her, than her own DD/s?

OP I think your DH is being a massive dick here. Your body, your birth, your decision. I'd feel like banning him from being there too based on what you've said here.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 21:15

I can see why your DH wants his daughter there too if you have said things like this in front of him. If you want it to be a big memorable family event then it's not fair to leave her out.

It's not her mother! She is not "left out" she is not part of it!

It's time when a husband should support and help their pregnant wife. he's an absolute dick to start a fight about something as stupid and outrageous.

Eekay · 07/02/2021 21:16

I think you may have deeper problems if your husband has walked out and gone to his mother's.
This, of all times, should not be when he has a massive go at you and then leaves in a huff.
Put yourself first. Wishing you a safe and peaceful birth.

lovemakespeace · 07/02/2021 21:16

I had my third baby at home. My kids were 3 and 1... I laboured from the early hours and when they woke at around 6.30am I wanted them OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! My sister in law kindly picked them up around 8am, my labour ramped up and the baby was born within the hour.

It was a very strong visceral feeling that I wanted to be alone. Hugely instinctive. My husband wasn't there either as he was trying to sleep or getting the kids ready. He just popped in. Exactly as I wanted it (didn't call the midwives either until the last 4 minutes so strong was my instinctive desire to be alone - not necessarily recommending that!!).

My point being there is absolutely no way you should have it dictated to you who should be present at the birth. Goes totally against our physiology. The body needs to feel safe to give birth.

yvanka · 07/02/2021 21:16

Youseethethingis

I don't think he's shown that she's low on his priority list at all, just that his daughter is also up there and he doesn't want her to be excluded. It's not like he insisted out of nowhere that he wanted his DC there, the OP said it first and made it into a family event. 11 is old enough to understand what's going on and I'd have felt very sad at that age to be treated this way.

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2021 21:17

Just wow. Your husband thinks he gets to decide who watches a baby come out of your vagina? When you don’t want them to? And he’s stropped off to stay at his mums as he is unhappy with your objection?! I can’t get my head around the level of unreasonable, let’s be honest and call it entitled misogyny because what else is dictating who can see a woman’s vagina unless you are that woman? Plus the voluntarily doing a one day round trip drive exactly when baby is due. Don’t you matter at ALL?

Borderterrierpuppy · 07/02/2021 21:18

Tell your husband when he gives birth he can have whoever he wants.
Giving birth is primal it’s much easier when we feel private protected and safe.
It’s not an entertainment event, it’s not a family activity.
You might find you can’t even tolerate your own children in the room at the time.

Mochatatts · 07/02/2021 21:19

It's making my blood boil and I don't even know you. I'm due in 4 days, our first child together, planned homebirth. We both have 2 boys from our previous relationship (mine 13 and 9, his 11 and 9) We don't know at this point which of the kids will be here, depends on days/contact, when baby decides to appear.
I have been through the process with my two, because they're interested in their sister arriving. They've asked questions without promoting and seem genuinely excited. They have been given the option to come in the bedroom and see I'm ok because there is the possibility of me getting sweary, sounding like I'm in pain etc , if they want.
OHs two have shown zero interest, he keeps trying to involve them asking what they think, are they excited, have they any name suggestions etc.
There is no way in a million years I want them anywhere near me when I'm in labour. Afterwards fine but during not a chance. And if he so much as suggested it I would be making my feelings very clear.
Your relationship with your daughters is not the same as the relationship with your DSD. If you and her father weren't together she'd just be someone else's child. Would you want your friends children there?
It's not his choice to make.

Devlesko · 07/02/2021 21:20

Is he normally like this? Does he put his child before you a lot?
Or has he just lost the plot.
YANBU show him this thread. Flowers

Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/02/2021 21:22

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

I can see why your DH wants his daughter there too if you have said things like this in front of him. If you want it to be a big memorable family event then it's not fair to leave her out.

It's not her mother! She is not "left out" she is not part of it!

It's time when a husband should support and help their pregnant wife. he's an absolute dick to start a fight about something as stupid and outrageous.

It is her family, her dad is the dad to this baby and presumably the op's younger dd also. Therefore his older dd should be allowed at the house to be included in this family event if the ops other kids are permitted to be in the house too.
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 21:22

@yvanka
At 11 she’s old enough to know who her mother is. And know that the relationship OP has with her own DD is different. As are you, presumably?
If he pushes this and tries to bully and manipulate OP to get what he wants, he’s decide his priory isn’t the OP and what she needs when she’s giving it birth, it’s his child’s feelings. Feelings she would manage if parented appropriately.
But oh no, better just to shit all over the wife.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/02/2021 21:25

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Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 21:25

It’s not ‘just someone else’s child’! It’s a sibling.
It’s awful how this child is being described, as deliberately making someone feel uncomfortable and all the other crimes she is supposed to have committed.

Noshowlomo · 07/02/2021 21:26

Would he really go and stay with his mother because he’s having a strop?

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 21:26

@Mumski45 there's no impossible position at all. Dsd lives 4.5 hours away and comes once a month if she feels like it. Shes shown zero interest in the baby other than telling me her mum says I'm likely to miscarry because I'm so old (34 btw). Shes not bothered. Hes decided he would prefer to do the big long round trip to pick her up before I give birth rather than after because that's what suits him, and is dressing it up as him wanting DSD there at the birth. He's got a son too and has shown no interest in having him there.

OP posts:
Tarantallegra · 07/02/2021 21:26

Your DH is being a twatwaffle. Also, I was in the room with my brother's home birth at aged 9 as my mum wanted me there (obviously she gave me the choice). It's not unusual at all and I was not scarred for life. I'm pregnant at the moment and I'm actually quite glad I've known what to expect for most of my life and it was a positive experience.

Confrontayshunme · 07/02/2021 21:27

I do agree that you should have who you want there, but if she is normally living in your house, say 3 days a week, you shouldn't turf her out for the 5 week window in which you might give birth at home. If she would normally be in the house, just say you would like her in another room. At 11, she can understand privacy and bodily autonomy.

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 21:28

This has made me want to scream. How dare he?

Soontobe60 · 07/02/2021 21:29

[quote LagunaBubbles]I take it this is his first baby? As your DDs are10 and 11 and your DSD is 10. Maybe he just wants her to feel part of it right from the start but no of course you don't need to have her there. Can you talk to.him?[/quote]
Did you read the thread? How can it be his first baby if he wants his 11 yr old daughter there???

3JsMa · 07/02/2021 21:29

@Livelovebehappy

YABU. bizarre to want DCs so young at the birth. Things can go wrong, or not as planned. Absolutely no benefit having children at the birth.
You will probably die seeing my almost 11 year old DS when I was giving birth Grin Grin Grin.They are 18 & 7 respectively and inseparable. Best decision I ever made.
peanutbuttermilkshake · 07/02/2021 21:30

I agree that at the age of 10 she’s old enough to understand that her relationship with you is different to your DD’s relationship with you, and she will be able to see why you don’t want her present at the birth. Hopefully when your DP speaks to her she will say she doesn’t want to be there and this will be easily solved. If not, stand your ground

Viviennemary · 07/02/2021 21:31

I dont think children should be in the room when you are giving birth. I can understand why your DH is unhappy about his own daughter not being allowed but the children you have together being allowed. Far more straightforward not to let any of them in during the birth. Then they can all come in and see their new sibling together. That would be more inclusive.

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 21:31

I can see why your DH wants his daughter there too if you have said things like this in front of him. If you want it to be a big memorable family event then it's not fair to leave her out.

Tone down the romanticism in front of him and say that you've actually decided you don't want any of the kids seeing it. As you've said, your eldest won't want to anyway and youngest won't know what's going on so it's a non-issue.

I completely agree!

You must have said to your DH that you want your DDs to see their sibling and share that special time of seeing her just being born. But DSD is the new baby's sibling too - so I can see him being put out.

I'm assuming DH is all of your DCs father which is why DSD is not as 'entitled' as your DDs are?

I don't see the issue - either he picks her up later or she comes over but stays upstairs but if she doesn't want to see you then he can't force her to.

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