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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:55

[quote Youseethethingis]@RootyT00t
I could probably go to parents night with DH at his invitation (as one of the two people with PR) if I wanted, although it would probably have the effect of making DSDs actual mum hugely uncomfortable and/or furious.
I can’t just phone up the school and stick my oar in. Because I don’t have the right. I’m not her parent.
Do you really need me to spell out all the things that a step parent, as one of the billions of adults in the world who do not have PR for a child, cannot just unilaterally decide or get involved in on a child’s behalf?
I don’t think it’s me that’s got a strange view to be honest 💐[/quote]
But you can!
You absolutely can. I really don't understanding where you are coming from with this.

But that aside, maybe that's because posts like the above sting me , as an adopted person. People need to stop and think what they are posting on a public forum (and I don't mean OP).

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 22:58

Oh my goodness, adoption isn’t anything like being a step parent! Adoptive parents are the parents in every way apart from the biological part. A step parent isn’t really any sort of parent. More like the subs bench when the actual parents need or ask for back up I’d say.
Nowhere near comparable.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 10/02/2021 23:00

Really feel for the OP having read her updates. Bottom line it's a shitty time for her DH to instigate a power play round such an emotive topic. OP has the last word on this, end of, and he is the one stirring the tension up with regard to the kids, not her.

As an aside, having been a step parent, I only went to Parents evening for my DSDs when they lived with us as teenagers and their mother had re-located so their gcses weren't too disrupted. I went when she couldn't at the request of DSDs , in agreement with my ex and his ex. I never considered it my right, and imagine it only would be in clearly defined circumstances agreed by all involved where appropriate. Am now interested to know the legal position. Off to Google I go.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 23:03

@Youseethethingis

Oh my goodness, adoption isn’t anything like being a step parent! Adoptive parents are the parents in every way apart from the biological part. A step parent isn’t really any sort of parent. More like the subs bench when the actual parents need or ask for back up I’d say. Nowhere near comparable.
Still not "a part" of our parents though, are we?

Given that you are a step parent, I find your views very strange. But i think we've exhausted that , and will have to agree to disagree.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 10/02/2021 23:05

www.tbilaw.co.uk/site/blog/family-matters-blog/can-new-partner-play-role-in-my-childs-life

Covers it pretty well.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 23:07

Oh my goodness, adoption isn’t anything like being a step parent

I agree. It isn't the same thing at all.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 23:14

Still not "a part" of our parents though, are we?
You are more your parents child than DSD will ever be my child. I’m sorry my comments have stung but they really have nothing to do with adoption at all.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 23:22

@Youseethethingis

Still not "a part" of our parents though, are we? You are more your parents child than DSD will ever be my child. I’m sorry my comments have stung but they really have nothing to do with adoption at all.
Okdoke. Let's leave it there.
Jacketpotato84 · 10/02/2021 23:23

I dont think posters where saying op was unreasonable because they think op should have the step child witnessing the birth, its because i think view is here shouldnt be children in he house when she is in labour and in pain regardless of the relationship to her, this thing about the bio daughter coming in if she wants but not the step does give the view as her being not equal in the family which can cause a whole load of upset.
I can see why the husband got upset but we are only seeing one side to a story. I dont think anyone here is saying she should have both children in with her. She has her plan now anyway i wish op a happy future with her family.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 23:24

@Jacketpotato84

I dont think posters where saying op was unreasonable because they think op should have the step child witnessing the birth, its because i think view is here shouldnt be children in he house when she is in labour and in pain regardless of the relationship to her, this thing about the bio daughter coming in if she wants but not the step does give the view as her being not equal in the family which can cause a whole load of upset. I can see why the husband got upset but we are only seeing one side to a story. I dont think anyone here is saying she should have both children in with her. She has her plan now anyway i wish op a happy future with her family.
Yep. That was pretty much it. And same here.
MaLarkinn · 10/02/2021 23:34

It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 23:43

Can you see where she's coming from???

CecilyP · 10/02/2021 23:43

Having a situation where both girls are in the house at the time and one is allowed in and one not would be unkind to the SD. But the solution to that is not that the SD comes in against the wishes of the woman giving birth, it's that she's not in the damn house to feel left out. Which she doesn't need to be because she doesn't live there - this has only come about because the not so DH has engineered the situation by insisting on collecting her before the OP gives birth.

Absolutely this!

Cokie3 · 10/02/2021 23:51

@RootyT00t Adoptive parents have LEGAL RIGHTS. A stepparent has ZERO legal rights. If the SD's mum objects to OP being present at SD's parent-teacher interviews, she as the mother, has the legal right to object to anyone else other than her and her exH being present. If OP and her husband divorce, OP has ZERO rights to see SD again.

The MOTHER calls the shots, not the stepmum. If as mother she says no to OP being present at school, she has that legal right. Adoptive parents are legally vested and sign court documents, a step mum/stepdad/defacto does not. You cannot compare the two.

The OP can solve this easily by giving birth in a hospital. That will ensure baby has is safe if anything goes wrong and no one except herself has to be in the room giving birth and she can give the hospital the authority to prevent anyone she doesn't want being there.

Itssnowman · 11/02/2021 00:23

All the very best with the birth of your baby OP. Just to say, I did it alone with my youngest... not through choice, but COVID restrictions meant it was just me and midwife. And it really was ok to be honest, she was really lovely and stayed with me the whole time. Lots of love to you... sorry to hear you’re having to deal with shit... last thing you need at this stage. Hope you stay stress free for remainder of pregnancy x

Fiona2020 · 11/02/2021 00:41

As a step mum it’s completely natural to choose one over the other. One you have a bond with and gave birth to!

Fiona2020 · 11/02/2021 00:43

I have two step children. One is 12. I can say under no circumstances would I let her witness me give birth. Absolutely not.

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2021 01:17

[quote RuledbyASD]@TurquoiseDragon I have given birth myself and wouldn't DREAM of locking a child out must because she isn't biologically related to me! She is the baby's sister! Just as much as OP's daughters are!!!

This thread has made me extremely sad. Thank god my daughter won't ever have a stepmother [/quote]
None of the children will be there. The father of the baby isn't going to be there.

Maybe read the OP's posts. Properly. Especially the last one.

Gloomandglow · 11/02/2021 02:30

WTAF. This thread is the most bonkers thing I've read on MN in a long time.

OP gets to choose who she has supporting her when she gives birth.

MyOtherProfile · 11/02/2021 04:17

Hope there's enough space for OP to announce the birth in a couple of weeks! And that she still feels she wants to, after some of these crazy posts!

LolaSmiles · 11/02/2021 06:55

Really feel for the OP having read her updates. Bottom line it's a shitty time for her DH to instigate a power play round such an emotive topic. OP has the last word on this, end of, and he is the one stirring the tension up with regard to the kids, not her
I agree. It's really shitty of him. She is the one who is going to be giving birth and she seems to be low on his priorities, which is horrible.

A labouring woman gets to decide who she is comfortable being present when she is in labour. It's as simple as that. No but DH wants someone there, no but think about how unfair it is to have one person present and not another, no but you're locking a child out for not having the same DNA, no well you should tell A they can't be there unless you're happy for B to be there too.

The labouring woman has the final say.

user47000000000 · 11/02/2021 07:24

thank god my daughter will never have a stepmother

How do you know that? Maybe your husband will decide one day he wants to be with someone with more empathy Hmm

OP hope you are doing ok today. You are perfectly within your rights to have whoever you want during your labour and at the birth of your baby.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 07:33

How do you know that? Maybe your husband will decide one day he wants to be with someone with more empathy

Errrm, they're widowed, so not likely tbh.

BluebellsGreenbells · 11/02/2021 07:33

It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from

He’s free to invite anyone to his medical procedures, he’s not free to invite anyone to someone else’s.

HowQuicklyTwoAndTwenty890 · 11/02/2021 07:44

@MyCatHatesEverybody

She's a little girl whose Daddy has left her Mum and now lives very far away, as well as having a new baby sister to contend with. And it sounds like she is carrying some of her mother's pain with her too.

@hugoslavia Where does it say who was responsible for the break up and who it was who moved away? And as for "I'm sure that she does stare," did you miss the comments she made about DD2's birth i.e. "you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc"?

Jesus Christ some people will turn a scenario inside out via their arsehole to create an opportunity to bash someone and take away the rights afforded to others just because they're a step parent Angry

well the 'D'H has another 5 year old by a different relationship, apparently, so I am sure the OP was not the cause of the DSD;s mum's pain (if indeed anyone but the DH was the cause of it).

The H is behaving deplorably. To go off in a huff leaving his wife about to give birth and the two Dcs (one of whom is his and only 2 so will need some sort of supervision if there is a home birth) is nothing more than disgusting.