Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 10/02/2021 21:54

@RootyT00t

Going against the grain here.

It does seem a little bit unfair given the girls are similar ages to have one that not the other (with the reasoning 'she's part of me'). I can understand why DH feels the way he does, if I'm honest, and it doesn't bode well long term.

Is there a backstory to your relationship with DSD?

A woman’s birthing body isn’t an equal opportunities exercise.
RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 21:55

@GCAcademic I didn't say it was. I said what i said.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 21:56

I think it's weird that so many (presumably women) don't think that the op should have bodily autonomy over this. It's quite disturbing tbh.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 21:56

@LolaSmiles

RuledbyASD Locking a child out for not being related is deliberately over-emotive.

How about a less emotive 'a labouring woman has the right to decide who is with her during labour '?

Really it comes down to whether we believe that a labouring woman has the right to decide who is present during her labour without other (non-labouring) people feeling entitled to chime in with their wants.

No, it doesn't .

it comes down to the fact that OP doesn't consider her children and stepchildren equal, and DH is picking up on this.

I understand it is her decision, and it absolutely is, but she cannot make the decision in the manner she did and expect there to be no consequences to that.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 21:57

@Youseethethingis

Oh for fucksake why are people still trying to pretend that a step child is the same as a child???? OP wouldn’t even have the right to go to parents night because she’s not the child’s parent and yet people are still trying to convince themselves that the child has a right to watch OP give birth? Or that OP and her daughter don’t have the right to be together if they so choose? What is this parallel universe we have fallen into???
A step child is the same as a child.

and of course a bloody step parent can go to parents night!

HTH.

PADH · 10/02/2021 22:03

My parents are equal, yet I only gave birth with my mum.

Both of my children's grandmother's are equal, yet my MIL wasn't there when I have birth.

It's not about who is more entitled or should be entitled to be there, its about who the birthing mother is comfortable having there. End of story. No justification needed.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:04

@PADH

My parents are equal, yet I only gave birth with my mum.

Both of my children's grandmother's are equal, yet my MIL wasn't there when I have birth.

It's not about who is more entitled or should be entitled to be there, its about who the birthing mother is comfortable having there. End of story. No justification needed.

That's completely different.
LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 22:04

I think it's weird that so many (presumably women) don't think that the op should have bodily autonomy over this. It's quite disturbing tbh
It comes back to the central problematic idea that women exist to prioritise other people and their wants.
This means instead of a labouring woman having the right to choose her birthing partner, some think she is a spectator sport where any family member who wants a ticket can have one because not being given a front row seat to a woman in labour is going to hurt the feelings of non-labouring people. As a good woman, OP should know she has to suck it up, smile nicely and graciously prioritise everyone's feelings over her own labour.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:11

@LolaSmiles

I think it's weird that so many (presumably women) don't think that the op should have bodily autonomy over this. It's quite disturbing tbh It comes back to the central problematic idea that women exist to prioritise other people and their wants. This means instead of a labouring woman having the right to choose her birthing partner, some think she is a spectator sport where any family member who wants a ticket can have one because not being given a front row seat to a woman in labour is going to hurt the feelings of non-labouring people. As a good woman, OP should know she has to suck it up, smile nicely and graciously prioritise everyone's feelings over her own labour.
No it doesn't.

This has jack shit to do with gender and the attempts to bring every single thread down to "it's because women should do a b and c) is totally tedious.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 22:20

This has jack shit to do with gender and the attempts to bring every single thread down to "it's because women should do a b and c) is totally tedious.

It's not to do with gender. It is to do with biological sex though. And the expectation that the op should be happy to have an audience, not of her choosing, whilst she's naked and pushing her baby out. And she has no say over who witnesses that ffs?? Do you think the ops husband would be happy to have an audience next time he has a prostate examination?

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:24

@Hettya

This has jack shit to do with gender and the attempts to bring every single thread down to "it's because women should do a b and c) is totally tedious.

It's not to do with gender. It is to do with biological sex though. And the expectation that the op should be happy to have an audience, not of her choosing, whilst she's naked and pushing her baby out. And she has no say over who witnesses that ffs?? Do you think the ops husband would be happy to have an audience next time he has a prostate examination?

Nobody is saying that she should be happy to have an 'audience', and that she has no say. I don't know why on AIBU time in and time out it's black and white and if you see any flaw in OP's post you are a terrible woman and how dare you risk her bodily autonomy.

I think OP should have the right to decide. I disagree with, and see an issue with, her sentiment that her daughter is part of her but that SD isn't. That's my own opinion, and I'm entitled to that.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 22:25

think OP should have the right to decide. I disagree with, and see an issue with, her sentiment that her daughter is part of her but that SD isn't. That's my own opinion, and I'm entitled to that.

The daughter is part of her. The SD isn't. That's just a fact.

Understandingnotignorance · 10/02/2021 22:25

Your body your choice. I had the same argument with dh over my mil being present!

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:26

@Hettya

think OP should have the right to decide. I disagree with, and see an issue with, her sentiment that her daughter is part of her but that SD isn't. That's my own opinion, and I'm entitled to that.

The daughter is part of her. The SD isn't. That's just a fact.

Yes. I'm aware of that.

Doesn't stop me thinking it's an unfair sentiment, and seeing issues with this long term.

Doesn't mean I think "women" should put up and shut up, or smile and be kind and let DH do whatever he wants, or any other ridiculous posts along those lines.

GCAcademic · 10/02/2021 22:26

I think OP should have the right to decide. I disagree with, and see an issue with, her sentiment that her daughter is part of her but that SD isn't

Do you think that the SD’s mother thinks that her daughter is “part of” the OP? I suspect not.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/02/2021 22:28

If giving birth isn't an issue of sex then I don't know what is tbh!

Having a situation where both girls are in the house at the time and one is allowed in and one not would be unkind to the SD. But the solution to that is not that the SD comes in against the wishes of the woman giving birth, it's that she's not in the damn house to feel left out. Which she doesn't need to be because she doesn't live there - this has only come about because the not so DH has engineered the situation by insisting on collecting her before the OP gives birth.

Hettya · 10/02/2021 22:33

Do you think that the SD’s mother thinks that her daughter is “part of” the OP? I suspect not

Indeed.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:34

@StatisticallyChallenged

If giving birth isn't an issue of sex then I don't know what is tbh!

Having a situation where both girls are in the house at the time and one is allowed in and one not would be unkind to the SD. But the solution to that is not that the SD comes in against the wishes of the woman giving birth, it's that she's not in the damn house to feel left out. Which she doesn't need to be because she doesn't live there - this has only come about because the not so DH has engineered the situation by insisting on collecting her before the OP gives birth.

As per your sentence, that is quite clearly not what I said. I was responding to the poster who was claiming that anyone who disagrees with the OP is because we believe women should just be kind and smile and do whatever they are told, as is pedalled out on any and every thread it can be shoehorned into, when in actual fact I don't know many people who think like that, and I certainly don't.

I just didn't think the phrasing or sentiment was or is right, but that's just me, and that's an opinion.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:35

@GCAcademic

I think OP should have the right to decide. I disagree with, and see an issue with, her sentiment that her daughter is part of her but that SD isn't

Do you think that the SD’s mother thinks that her daughter is “part of” the OP? I suspect not.

I've no idea, but that's completely bloody irrelevant here.
Viviennemary · 10/02/2021 22:38

So now OP's DH has gone off in a strop. Well done MN.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 22:45

*RootyT00t

Youseethethingis
Oh for fucksake why are people still trying to pretend that a step child is the same as a child????
OP wouldn’t even have the right to go to parents night because she’s not the child’s parent and yet people are still trying to convince themselves that the child has a right to watch OP give birth?
Or that OP and her daughter don’t have the right to be together if they so choose?
What is this parallel universe we have fallen into???
A step child is the same as a child.

and of course a bloody step parent can go to parents night!*

Legally, morally and biologically a step child is not the same as a child. Whether your emotions tell you something else is another conversation.

I didn’t say a step parent couldn’t go to parents night. I said they don’t have the right to go. Because they don’t have PR. Because it’s not their child.

HTH

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:46

@Youseethethingis

*RootyT00t

Youseethethingis
Oh for fucksake why are people still trying to pretend that a step child is the same as a child????
OP wouldn’t even have the right to go to parents night because she’s not the child’s parent and yet people are still trying to convince themselves that the child has a right to watch OP give birth?
Or that OP and her daughter don’t have the right to be together if they so choose?
What is this parallel universe we have fallen into???
A step child is the same as a child.

and of course a bloody step parent can go to parents night!*

Legally, morally and biologically a step child is not the same as a child. Whether your emotions tell you something else is another conversation.

I didn’t say a step parent couldn’t go to parents night. I said they don’t have the right to go. Because they don’t have PR. Because it’s not their child.

HTH

They do have the right to go to parents night.

You have a very strange view on things.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 22:48

So now OP's DH has gone off in a strop. Well done MN
I don’t think she’s in a strop so much as wisely protecting her 38 week pregnant self from the abuse and accusations she been subjected to here.

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 22:49

I don't think she had any abuse or accusations, at all.

Most folk were on board and a couple of us had a minor debate about stepchildren.

Besides PP said OP's DH not OP herself.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 22:52

@RootyT00t
I could probably go to parents night with DH at his invitation (as one of the two people with PR) if I wanted, although it would probably have the effect of making DSDs actual mum hugely uncomfortable and/or furious.
I can’t just phone up the school and stick my oar in. Because I don’t have the right. I’m not her parent.
Do you really need me to spell out all the things that a step parent, as one of the billions of adults in the world who do not have PR for a child, cannot just unilaterally decide or get involved in on a child’s behalf?
I don’t think it’s me that’s got a strange view to be honest 💐