Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

The sensible option would be not to allow any childrdn to be present. But people are so up in arms about rights that common sense has flown out of the window.

I’m so sorry your husband is being such a massively selfish cock nostril, @ShinyGreenElephant.

Good luck with your birth, I hope it’s just like dd2 delivery and a memory you and your girls will always treasure.

My midwife friends who have delivered with mums only say it’s been very calm and positive

Ffs I really feel for you @ShinyGreenElephant - there's such a lot of ridiculous shit on here. I hope your husband comes to his bloody senses. What a dickhead.

@Viviennemary

The sensible option would be not to allow any childrdn to be present. But people are so up in arms about rights that common sense has flown out of the window.

The sensible option would be to READ THE OP's UPDATE

I am sorry you are having such a terrible time OP.

I hope you get to have a wonderful birth without your DH acting up. You sound like a wonderful mum and stepmum.

Good luck with the baby OP. Sorry your husband turned out to be an awful one. What a terrible time to find out! I hope you have a lovely birth.

If your husband chooses to leave a trail of tears from various women and children behind him that's his life call. There's nothing you can do about it. This isn't yours to fix. It's unforgivable doing this to a heavily pregnant woman.

Oh OP, I feel really mad at him on your behalf. How dare he put you through this and leave you coping alone at such a late stage of pregnancy.

I hope your birth goes well

I hope you are OK, OP. I'm sorry you have such a poor excuse of a husband.

@ShinyGreenElephant

Hi, thanks for replies. It wasn't prearranged contact, were having her for half term and were planning to have her for a week a few days after the baby was born, maybe 2 days after. She lives a long way away so its not as simple as just picking her up, its a full day round trip. Shes 10 and I dont dislike her at all, I love her, but shes not an easy child - she can be very rude and demanding, shes called me all kinds of names in the past and made up lies about me and she loves to report back to her mum if I do the tiniest thing she doesnt approve of. She has a blank stare that she does a lot, particularly to me, which i usually just brush off but I can just picture me trying to push a baby out and being glared at like that and it makes me feel ill.

I dont want to have to send my kids away, there's noone to have them due to covid which was the main point of a home birth and I've been so excited to have them there. Dd11 has made it clear she will stay in her room until the placenta has been disposed of because its gross and awkward, but I want her to have the choice to come down if she changes her mind because it would mean a lot to me to have her there. Dh has shown zero interest in having either of his kids there, this is a brand new idea tonight he's just come up with and decided not to consult me.

If he only came up with this idea tonight, how has he "decided not to consult you?!?!?!?!?!" He decided tonight - he told you tonight? How is that not consulting you?!

@RuledbyASD

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVU! Your poor stepdaughter. You're really not helping with the already tarnished image of all the loving stepmothers out there

28 pages on and you come in with that @RuledbyASD, fuck sake man. Bloody moonfruit.

Karaoke at a funeral vibes.

Did someone leave the gate open at the cunt farm, with a trail of breadcrumbs leading straight to this thread?

If he only came up with this idea tonight, how has he "decided not to consult you?!?!?!?!?!" He decided tonight - he told you tonight? How is that not consulting you?!

1. Telling her is not consulting her
2. She's the one giving birth - he has no position to be telling her anything.

@catinbootsx

These step-parent/blended family threads are so depressing. Every. Single. Time.

What is this incessant need to have children with every single partner, with no consideration for the ones that are already here?

How very fucking DARE you? I have a stepfather to my daughter because my husband died - her father

You should be ashamed of yourself

@TurquoiseDragon I have given birth myself and wouldn't DREAM of locking a child out must because she isn't biologically related to me! She is the baby's sister! Just as much as OP's daughters are!!!

This thread has made me extremely sad. Thank god my daughter won't ever have a stepmother

Some women have concerns about a mw seeing their fanjo never mind flashing it to whomever their dh decides he wants to be there. What if his dm now feels excluded? Or his dsis? Maybe hire a mini bus?

Good luck

How very fucking DARE you? I have a stepfather to my daughter because my husband died - her father

Well it's not the same situation for you then is it.

Going against the grain here.

It does seem a little bit unfair given the girls are similar ages to have one that not the other (with the reasoning 'she's part of me'). I can understand why DH feels the way he does, if I'm honest, and it doesn't bode well long term.

Is there a backstory to your relationship with DSD?

Can't believe there are people voting YABU!

Oh for fucksake why are people still trying to pretend that a step child is the same as a child????
OP wouldn’t even have the right to go to parents night because she’s not the child’s parent and yet people are still trying to convince themselves that the child has a right to watch OP give birth?
Or that OP and her daughter don’t have the right to be together if they so choose?
What is this parallel universe we have fallen into???

RuledbyASD
Locking a child out for not being related is deliberately over-emotive.

How about a less emotive 'a labouring woman has the right to decide who is with her during labour '?

Really it comes down to whether we believe that a labouring woman has the right to decide who is present during her labour without other (non-labouring) people feeling entitled to chime in with their wants.