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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 09/02/2021 23:09

This reply has been deleted

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VinylDetective · 09/02/2021 23:17

I think that any parent should out their own children before any partner or spouse

I know we put children on pedestals these days but really?

Catmaiden · 09/02/2021 23:20

You come first, full stop. You chose. Your body, your baby, your birthing choices

CandyLeBonBon · 09/02/2021 23:21

@Hugoslavia

I don't think that you should be your husband's top priority, to be fair. I think that any parent should out their own children before any partner or spouse. I think that your description of your DSD is a little unfair. I'm sure that she does stare. She's a little girl whose Daddy has left her Mum and now lives very far away, as well as having a new baby sister to contend with. And it sounds like she is carrying some of her mother's pain with her too. I would cut her some slack. However, I wouldn't have her at your house at the time if the birth simply because, the less on your plate, the better. I would be looking for as much help as I could get with childcare, not taking on additional work.
Do you have children @Hugoslavia?
aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2021 23:36

I don't think that you should be your husband's top priority, to be fair. I think that any parent should out their own children before any partner or spouse.

🤣🤣 While the "partner or spouse" is giving birth to his child? Are you having a laugh??

BenoneBeauty · 09/02/2021 23:46

Oh Op, I'm so sorry to read this and that he's not back. You deserve better. All the best with the birth.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2021 23:47

@Hugoslavia If we're actually going to go down the route of saying OP, by virtue of not being his child, does not deserve basic human decency and respect from him even whilst delivering his child, because he should be putting his child above her in all things... perhaps he should be putting his youngest, unborn child first, and allow his/her mother the stress free delivery she needs. He should have the common sense to recognise that that takes precedence over how his oldest child might falsely perceive the snub of not being allowed to look at her step mum's vagina while she is in labour. After all, they are both his children, so both have the "golden ticket" to compassion and consideration.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2021 00:09

This is one of those threads where people REALLY NEED TO READ THE OP'S POSTS!

She's heavily pregnant and her H is being an arse. The situation with the children is pretty irrelevant now and she doesn't need lectures from lazy posters.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 06:46

@Nanny0gg 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
This ^ all the way!
Honestly, who wades in to a thread this long without reading the OPs posts at the very least? 🙄

GLTM · 10/02/2021 07:16

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user47000000000 · 10/02/2021 08:04

GLTM omg the stepmum jealously crap coming out again.

OP, it’s so complex and it’s your labour and birth, nobody ever tells someone who has their mum that they have to have their mum in law too cause they’ll have the same relationship to the baby. Just do what you need for you. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2021 08:24

@ShinyGreenElephant - so sorry to hear that you H has slunk off and hasn't returned yet - what the FUCK does he think he's doing?!

What an utter arsehole cunting move that is. Angry

I hope that you are ok and that you will have enough support when it comes to the birth but jeez, are you sure you want to keep this puerile, toy-tossing twat in your life?

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 08:42

Yes it's your body etc, but you have a very important role as a SM as well
There is no “but” when it comes to a woman’s rights over her own body. EVER
Dangerous nonsense.

MzHz · 10/02/2021 09:36

@Youseethethingis

Yes it's your body etc, but you have a very important role as a SM as well There is no “but” when it comes to a woman’s rights over her own body. EVER Dangerous nonsense.
Sadly not the case when you’re a fucking step mum apparently Hmm
aSofaNearYou · 10/02/2021 09:53

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Hettya · 10/02/2021 09:53

Yes it's your body etc, but you have a very important role as a SM as well.

Her role as a SM does not trump her right to decide who sees her give birth ffs.

Are you the dp? Hmm

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2021 10:51

[quote Youseethethingis]@Nanny0gg 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
This ^ all the way!
Honestly, who wades in to a thread this long without reading the OPs posts at the very least? 🙄[/quote]
The people posting after you!

I feel like turning into the Thread Police and @ every single one of them

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2021 10:52

That's the people who posted after the OP's update without reading, I meant...

Cokie3 · 10/02/2021 11:01

This reply has been deleted

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Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 11:24

@Nanny0gg
I have turned into the thread police. Just reporting any nasty, abusive, attacking comments, because the posters are an utter disgrace and a 38 week pregnant woman who is already stressed out her tree really doesn’t need it.
This thread really is the very worst of Munsnet.

YoniAndGuy · 10/02/2021 11:28

OP I'm sorry it's turned out this way. Ignore the idiocy on this thread - if you're even still reading.

You've made the right decision by the sound of it. Having people who you are comfortable with and who you can rely on for support is the one essential for a good labour. Don't have him there - after this, I'm sure your eyes are well and truly opened.

He doesn't sound like a good partner at all.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 10/02/2021 12:46

She's a little girl whose Daddy has left her Mum and now lives very far away, as well as having a new baby sister to contend with. And it sounds like she is carrying some of her mother's pain with her too.

@hugoslavia Where does it say who was responsible for the break up and who it was who moved away? And as for "I'm sure that she does stare," did you miss the comments she made about DD2's birth i.e. "you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc"?

Jesus Christ some people will turn a scenario inside out via their arsehole to create an opportunity to bash someone and take away the rights afforded to others just because they're a step parent Angry

LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 13:00

Hugoslavia
I don't think that you should be your husband's top priority, to be fair. I think that any parent should out their own children before any partner or spouse
Birth is not a spectator sport.
Nobody has the right to demand to be with a labouring woman.
She is giving birth. Her choice who is there.

Bibidy · 10/02/2021 13:05

@douliket

I can understand where your oh is coming from. How do you think your dsd will feel when both girls are chatting excitedly about their new sibling and one girl gets to say how much she can't wait to be there wen baby arrives and how she will be part of it all. At such young ages,the other girl can take this up as the new baby will have a closer bond to your daughter than to her. How is she to understand this. I think you are being very unfair to this little girl. I think you should have thought this out more, I think you are being grossly unfair. Also, it doesn't sound as if your dd is adamant on being there so I would knock this on the head, tell both girls that because of covid the midwife is only allowing your dh in but maybe both girls could come in for the cutting of the cord. Another suggestion could be to tell the girls that the midwife said only one in at a time so your dd can stay for the birth and your dsd can come in to cut the cord, this way everyone is happy and all are involved .
Urgh OP's daughter doesn't even want to come in!!! OP just doesn't mind if she does.

OP's 2 daughters live in the house and have nowhere else to go. SD has no need to be there.

And once again, it is NOT ABOUT SD'S FEELINGS! It is all about the person who is giving birth.

DNHandTNS · 10/02/2021 13:15

He's already got one child from a broken relationship, now he's walked out on another one aided and abetted by his mother who is ENABLING him. His Mother's probably the reason his first relationship failed and she's doing him NO favours by enabling him. What she should be doing is encouraging him to be a man not a wuss and face up to his responsibilities and communicate well with his partner.

No wonder he's an absolute baby. This type of Mummys boy will flit from woman to woman with absolutely no consequences because Mummy will enable him and never make him take responsibility.

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