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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 14:01

Will be thinking of you. Sorry some of the replies made you feel worse, I’m not surprised, some of them were truly ugly.

Look after yourself, no one else is making you a priority so concentrate on yourself and your baby and wishing you a healthy peaceful couple of weeks and a gentle, safe, happy delivery.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2021 14:03

@ShinyGreenElephant

Sorry, once the adrenaline of the argument wore off I've been really upset to the point that I'm feeling really ill, and some of the replies really weren't helping so I stopped reading. Haven't heard a word from 'd'h so at this point I'm looking at the kids going to my mums and I give birth with just the midwife. Not having someone there who causes me this level of stress at 38 weeks pregnant. Thanks so much for everyone who's been so supportive, I'm probably going to disappear again as I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment for AIBU but I'll update once DD arrives.
Really sorry to read this.

I hope you've been in contact with your midwife. She's definitely best placed to help and support you now.

Hope all goes well. Flowers

Youseethethingis · 09/02/2021 14:04

Oh OP, I’m so glad you will have your mums support in all this.
Your DH is going to feel about an inch tall when he realises the damage he’s caused, I’m still so angry with him for the way he’s treated you.
Wishing you an lovely peaceful, stress free birth just click your last DD Flowers

StatisticallyChallenged · 09/02/2021 14:05

What a selfish sod going off in a bloody huff because you won't let him choose who is present while you give birth

RuggerHug · 09/02/2021 14:05

Look after yourself OP and best of luck.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/02/2021 14:05

@ShinyGreenElephant

Sorry, once the adrenaline of the argument wore off I've been really upset to the point that I'm feeling really ill, and some of the replies really weren't helping so I stopped reading. Haven't heard a word from 'd'h so at this point I'm looking at the kids going to my mums and I give birth with just the midwife. Not having someone there who causes me this level of stress at 38 weeks pregnant. Thanks so much for everyone who's been so supportive, I'm probably going to disappear again as I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment for AIBU but I'll update once DD arrives.
Hope all goes well for you.
LemonBreeland · 09/02/2021 14:09

I can't believe he has just disappeared off to his mothers and left his heavily pregnant wife alone. The fact that he has stormed off in a tantrum and not tried to fix this is awful. Sounds like you'll be better giving birth without him.

I hope all goes well with your home birth. I've had two and they were great.

TheFaithfulBorderBinliner · 09/02/2021 14:16

I had two lovely home births, loved my midwives and they love their job. The birth is really important to get you off to a good start. Happy you, happy baby, happy baby, more time for everyone else, the more relaxed the house is, the happier you are, the happier baby is, etc

Such a special time, best wishes.

forrestgreen · 09/02/2021 14:19

I'm sorry it's worked out this way. Sending positive thoughts for your delivery.

Chanandlerbong01 · 09/02/2021 14:28

Oh @ShinyGreenElephant sorry to hear that.

Let me know if there is anything I can do for you and I will support as much as I can.... if you are in Yorkshire you are more than welcome to my physical support too, happy to help with shopping or anything.

FeedMeSantiago · 09/02/2021 14:37

Flowers OP.

I think sending the kids to your DM and having a home birth with the midwife is a good idea. I hope it all goes smoothly and calmly for you.

As ever who you have with you for the birth is 100% your choice.

gingerbiscuits · 09/02/2021 14:44

Your husband is being a twat!

Why on earth would your poor stepdaughter or even your daughter for that matter even want to be there? I'm all for encouraging siblings involvement & inclusion right from the beginning (no difference at all if they're half, step or full children) but there's a common sense element to it all.

At the end of the day, your birth, your choice.

ElevenSmiles · 09/02/2021 14:46

This reply has been deleted

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MotherofTerriers · 09/02/2021 15:08

OP I'm sorry some of the messages have been so unkind. Take care of yourself and I hope the birth goes smoothly

GabsAlot · 09/02/2021 15:09

sounds like an excuse just to leave now doesnt it-why would you ignore your heavily pregnant wife over this

Godimabitch · 09/02/2021 15:16

So sorry, your husband is behaving appallingly. I would have thought any mother worth her salt would give her son a clip round the year and sling him out for even thinking he was moving in because he's had an argument with his 38 week pregnant wife!

Hope your birth goes well Flowers

RedGoldAndGreene · 09/02/2021 16:09

I'm gobsmacked that he's not back.

Good luck OP Thanks

PADH · 09/02/2021 16:16

Best of luck op, look after yourself x

TheGoogleMum · 09/02/2021 16:29

I think the person who is giving birth should get to decide who is there for birth definitely! Would it help if maybe DD wasn't allowed either? It won't be much fun for her anyway?

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2021 17:21

@TheGoogleMum

I think the person who is giving birth should get to decide who is there for birth definitely! Would it help if maybe DD wasn't allowed either? It won't be much fun for her anyway?
Maybe read the OP's updates?
AhNowTed · 09/02/2021 18:09

Can't believe some of these replies.

It's not a spectator event. Bloody hell.

You're 100% right OP.

Catmaiden · 09/02/2021 19:26

Best wishes for the birth OP, think you've made a wise choice birthing with the MW and sending your children to your Mum. Your H is a nasty abusive twat, leaving you alone over an argument HE generated Angry You are better off without him.

DNHandTNS · 09/02/2021 20:47

@ShinyGreenElephant I'm so sorry to hear that the coward has slunk off to his mother's house and not tried to sort this out. I hope his mother stops enabling him or he will have another broken relationship under his belt.

I know this is painful and I'm so sorry for that, but what I will say is- You don't need two babies! Enjoy your new baby and focus on her. All the best. Flowers

douliket · 09/02/2021 22:51

I can understand where your oh is coming from. How do you think your dsd will feel when both girls are chatting excitedly about their new sibling and one girl gets to say how much she can't wait to be there wen baby arrives and how she will be part of it all. At such young ages,the other girl can take this up as the new baby will have a closer bond to your daughter than to her. How is she to understand this. I think you are being very unfair to this little girl. I think you should have thought this out more, I think you are being grossly unfair. Also, it doesn't sound as if your dd is adamant on being there so I would knock this on the head, tell both girls that because of covid the midwife is only allowing your dh in but maybe both girls could come in for the cutting of the cord. Another suggestion could be to tell the girls that the midwife said only one in at a time so your dd can stay for the birth and your dsd can come in to cut the cord, this way everyone is happy and all are involved .

Hugoslavia · 09/02/2021 22:57

It's entirely your choice. But it does seem unfair to allow one daughter in, but not the other,from a child's perspective. I think that it's semantics though. Chances are neither will want to be there. DSD might be at her mum's. DD could be at her Dad's (unless DH is her father). You could end up having it in hospital.