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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 17:15

no matter how bad the labour it will be worth it because she'll have a baby at the end

🤦🏻‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 17:17

Minimising what a huge event childbirth is has no place in this discussion. The OPs not some wet behind the ears FTM, she knows what she’s about, and she knows who she would like and not like to be there.
That’s it really.

This.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 17:18

@Whyyyyyythough

no a poster compared dying to labour my.argument was no matter how bad labour is you will have a baby in the end so it will be worth it however if your.told your dying the only thing that you have in the end is death so you can't compare dying.to labour

life isn’t black & white. you can’t dismiss the after effects of a bad birth experience with ‘but the baby is here so it’s fine!’. unless you think the mental health of women comes second to having a healthy baby?

The op hasn't mentioned any mental health issues? And who said having a baby comes second to a womans mental health? I have said repeatedly its the ops choice who she has there
WayTooSoon · 08/02/2021 17:26

How would he like it if you invited a person of your choice to watch him being naked and vulnerable for an unknown amount of time, unable to escape, potentially sh*tting himself and having his genitals rip in half? Can he really not understand why you would want to control as much as you could? What a twonk.

Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 17:26

The op hasn't mentioned any mental health issues? And who said having a baby comes second to a womans mental health?

you don’t need to have preexisting mental health issues to be traumatised by a bad birth experience. YOU are implying that as long as the baby arrives safely, nothing else matters. Which is not true at all.

StatisticallyChallenged · 08/02/2021 17:55

no matter how bad the labour it will be worth it because she'll have a baby at the end

Where do you start with that...

WhenPushComesToShove · 08/02/2021 18:12

It's worth noting that when pushing, some Mothers may inadvertently poo; imagine your step daughter telling that to her Mum and I think you have the unequivocal answer to your extraordinarily misguided husband's wish for DSS to be there. Really, it's your choice - end of!

WhenPushComesToShove · 08/02/2021 18:13

DSD not DSS 😳

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2021 18:24

This is definitely a situation where the stepchild definitely doesn’t come first. The woman giving birth does. People just need to suck it up and accept it.

Gooseysgirl · 08/02/2021 19:15

Sorry NRTFT, but yes your DH is being a dick and it's a simple 'no fucking way!!!' from me

Sheepies · 08/02/2021 20:35

If you aren't comfortable then that's fair enough, and your decision should be respected (I would feel the same). The important part of sibling bonding will be once baby is here, not whether she is in the house, your DH is being ridiculous.

PADH · 08/02/2021 22:49

@Jacketpotato84

So the baby your having is your husbands i take it.. so your step daughters sibling! You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.
Rude.
Humblebumbleoh · 08/02/2021 23:43

Calm down people
Confused

PADH · 09/02/2021 00:15

[quote Whyyyyyythough]@2ndtimemum2 the day I had my DD was one of the worst days of my life. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t ecstatic to have had her Confused

just accept that not everyone has the same birth experience as you and that people have different opinions instead of picking away at posters for disagreeing with you[/quote]
Me too. Love my kids to bits but their births most certainly were not the best day of my lives.

And this toxic positivity about magical births is harmful for mothers who don't experience that moment, or that instant bond. It's more pressure added to mothers, more ways to make them feel guilty or inadequate and can contribute to PND.

Santaiscovidfree · 09/02/2021 11:21

Surely more risk of young girls being long term emotionally scarred from watching a long difficult birth? The dd's are pre teen!!
Some dramatic people here!

Bibidy · 09/02/2021 11:37

This thread has gone wild.

The point is giving birth is a huge, physically and mentally, and so the woman in labour should be able to absolutely dictate the terms of who is and isn't there. There is no more to it than that.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2021 12:23

The OP is never coming back...

dontdisturbmenow · 09/02/2021 12:34

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling co.firtabke with your DD present but not your SD. You clearly feel different about them and that's totally understandable.

But I wonder whether there is more to it than just this conflict, ie if you do have expectations from your oh that he treats your eldest Ashe does his own kids, that he does do exactly that and therefore feels hurt that you can do the same with his eldest.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2021 12:36

OP is a regular poster I believe so I'd be surprised if she isn't still seeing the thread!

sixpencenonethepoorer · 09/02/2021 12:58

Jeez

She's not breastfeeding a 10 year old

She's not insisting her daughter comes into the room

She doesn't hate her step daughter

It's her right to have whoever she would like in the room

She's not asking for posters permission to have her own daughter in the room.

It's not a shit show.

Ad-infinitum

The OP is giving her daughter the option to come in if she would like to. It is entirely the OP's choice who she would like to have in there. Nothing here is radical / crazy / bizarre. A woman, wanting to give birth in the way she wants to. End of story. Or at least it should be.

OP - absolutely your choice! Spoke to my SO about this last night (we are a blended family) - and he was insistent it would be my choice too. Frankly I wouldn't want his 14 year old son staring at my vagina, and I suspect he wouldn't be overjoyed either!

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 09/02/2021 13:38

Sorry, once the adrenaline of the argument wore off I've been really upset to the point that I'm feeling really ill, and some of the replies really weren't helping so I stopped reading. Haven't heard a word from 'd'h so at this point I'm looking at the kids going to my mums and I give birth with just the midwife. Not having someone there who causes me this level of stress at 38 weeks pregnant. Thanks so much for everyone who's been so supportive, I'm probably going to disappear again as I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment for AIBU but I'll update once DD arrives.

OP posts:
HelloThereMeHearties · 09/02/2021 13:39

Best of luck with the birth, OP Flowers

I hope your DH comes to his senses!

LaBellina · 09/02/2021 13:44

So sorry to hear that OP.
You deserve better. I think the solution of sending your DC to your DM and give birth with just the midwife being present is your best option for now.
I hope you’ll have a peaceful and safe delivery.
Best wishes 😘

Albgo · 09/02/2021 13:49

Big hugs and I hope you have a smooth birth. x

4Mongrels · 09/02/2021 13:56

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

Good luck for the birth Flowers