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AIBU?

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Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:28

[quote aSofaNearYou]@2ndtimemum2 What a lovely romantic description of childbirth. Mine wasn't anything like that, I didn't cope so well, there were complications, and mainly I was just exhausted and in a lot of pain. They didn't hand me my "bundle of joy" afterwards while we all celebrated the magical moment, my DP had her while they stitched me up after what I had just endured.

What I have said is not disgusting at all, you are determined not to view childbirth as anything other than a magical moment, but the reality is that it is a risky, potentially extremely painful medical undertaking. Mortality rates are no longer high but that they once were speaks of the gravity of event, and complications are less rare. I think it is disgusting to dismiss that as you do, but each to their own!

There may not be a benefit to her DD being there, or there may be. As I said in previous comments, her DD may be distressed by hearing her mother in pain and not being able to go to her. Or she may not. But either way, OP should not have to ban her from entering to avoid it being viewed as an open invitation in the name of "fairness".[/quote]
So you don't have a beautiful baby as a
Result of labour? And it wasn't the happiest day of your life? Answer those questions and ill then discuss the rest of your post

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 16:32

@2ndtimemum2 Yes I had a beautiful baby at the end of it, but no it wasn't the happiest day of my life. The biggest a scariest, certainly.

Jollygoodtime · 08/02/2021 16:33

I feel this birth is being romanticised. Yes a new life is a beautiful thing but not the birth itself. I know grown men who have been somewhat traumatised by it, never mind young girls. If it were me I would find some form of childcare, even if I had to pay my mother. I wouldn’t have them in my house when I was giving birth. The last thing you want if anything goes wrong is the kids being there, husband not being able to be with you or baby etc. It might be a long labour and they’ll be stuck upstairs all day. One of them is 2. She will need looked after. Even without the Dsd there, there is a lot going on. And you’re looking only at best case scenario. If everything (hopefully it will) goes well, the girls can come home right away and meet baby once you and DH have had a cuddle and settled.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:33

[quote aSofaNearYou]@2ndtimemum2 What a lovely romantic description of childbirth. Mine wasn't anything like that, I didn't cope so well, there were complications, and mainly I was just exhausted and in a lot of pain. They didn't hand me my "bundle of joy" afterwards while we all celebrated the magical moment, my DP had her while they stitched me up after what I had just endured.

What I have said is not disgusting at all, you are determined not to view childbirth as anything other than a magical moment, but the reality is that it is a risky, potentially extremely painful medical undertaking. Mortality rates are no longer high but that they once were speaks of the gravity of event, and complications are less rare. I think it is disgusting to dismiss that as you do, but each to their own!

There may not be a benefit to her DD being there, or there may be. As I said in previous comments, her DD may be distressed by hearing her mother in pain and not being able to go to her. Or she may not. But either way, OP should not have to ban her from entering to avoid it being viewed as an open invitation in the name of "fairness".[/quote]
You obviously are just a dramatic individual i gave you the figures for maternal survival with is 99.999% but you still choose to call it a life or death situation?

And if you read the ops post she actually called her previous Labour a magical experience but of course you make sure to scare her into telling her she could die

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:36

[quote aSofaNearYou]@2ndtimemum2 Yes I had a beautiful baby at the end of it, but no it wasn't the happiest day of my life. The biggest a scariest, certainly. [/quote]
Your one of the first mothers who I've ever heard admit that having their baby wasn't one of the happiest days of their lives

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2021 16:39

OP’s DSD hasn’t even said she wants to witness the birth. OP said DSD wold be horrified at the idea.

This is really all about the H, who wants to dictate how to OP who should be present at the birth.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 16:39

@2ndtimemum2 I've said over and over again it's rarely life or death now, but that the level of physical and emotional strain remains the same hence why prior mortality rates are worth noting.

It's only you repeatedly refusing to see the difference and focusing purely on "well she won't die, so..."

I'm clearly not "just a dramatic individual" as several others, the majority in fact, have noted that the reality of childbirth is being downplayed and romanticized on this thread. And please do tell me how I am being dramatic after being awake for 3 days with a slowly progressing labour with several complications.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:41

@aSofaNearYou if you'd read my previous post you'd see that my 1st birth resulted in me hemorrhaging and needing surgery but all worth it for my baby.

And after your description of birth why are you telling the op its a great idea to inflict that on a 10yo when you as a grown woman found it traumatic why are you encouraging the op to have a little girl there to witness what you have described as the scariest experience of your life?

Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 16:41

@2ndtimemum2 the day I had my DD was one of the worst days of my life. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t ecstatic to have had her Confused

just accept that not everyone has the same birth experience as you and that people have different opinions instead of picking away at posters for disagreeing with you

Wanderlust20 · 08/02/2021 16:42

It's a private special experience, you get to decide who is there.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:46

[quote Whyyyyyythough]@2ndtimemum2 the day I had my DD was one of the worst days of my life. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t ecstatic to have had her Confused

just accept that not everyone has the same birth experience as you and that people have different opinions instead of picking away at posters for disagreeing with you[/quote]
If you'd read my post you'd see that I haemorrhage on my first birth however thank god for our amazing health care system that I'm ok and so delighted I had my baby because the second I held him it was all worth it

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 16:48

@2ndtimemum2 My days with my daughter are among the happiest of my life, but I feel no shame in admitting the day I struggled to push her out with the cost of great pain wasn't the happiest of my life. I was barely conscious by the time she was born.

I'm not encouraging OP to have her daughter there. I am saying neither of them should have to forego the option in order to be "fair" to her DSD. It would not have been appropriate for a child to be there at the final stages of my DDs birth, OPs may progress differently. But differently does not mean "no big deal so therefore a free for all".

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 08/02/2021 16:51

He’s a dickhead and totally unreasonable. I’ve never heard anything so preposterous. Tell him to do one, you’d be better off just you and the midwife.

Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 16:52

if you'd read my post you'd see that I haemorrhage on my first birth however thank god for our amazing health care system that I'm ok and so delighted I had my baby because the second I held him it was all worth it

so? What’s your point?

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 16:55

@Whyyyyyythough

if you'd read my post you'd see that I haemorrhage on my first birth however thank god for our amazing health care system that I'm ok and so delighted I had my baby because the second I held him it was all worth it

so? What’s your point?

My point is its impossible.to argue with stupidity Wink
aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 16:57

My point is its impossible.to argue with stupidity

Indeed, it is.

Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 16:59

@2ndtimemum2 no I genuinely was wondering what your point was. that you think women all have a similar experience of labour and birth?

Youseethethingis · 08/02/2021 17:00

@2ndtimemum2
The fact that medical advancements meant that you didn’t die, doesn’t negate the fact that your body suffered and immense and life threatening trauma.
You could downplay many, many horrendous and critical medical situations by saying “oh but they got treatment so not a big deal” if you wanted to.
I get that it’s maybe too nuanced an argument for some people though.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 17:01

[quote Whyyyyyythough]@2ndtimemum2 no I genuinely was wondering what your point was. that you think women all have a similar experience of labour and birth?[/quote]
No a poster compared dying to labour my.argument was no matter how bad labour is you will have a baby in the end so it will be worth it however if your.told your dying the only thing that you have in the end is death so you can't compare dying.to labour!

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 17:03

[quote Youseethethingis]@2ndtimemum2
The fact that medical advancements meant that you didn’t die, doesn’t negate the fact that your body suffered and immense and life threatening trauma.
You could downplay many, many horrendous and critical medical situations by saying “oh but they got treatment so not a big deal” if you wanted to.
I get that it’s maybe too nuanced an argument for some people though.[/quote]
In a thread where a woman is 38 weeks pregnant with a healthy pregnancy death should not be mentioned!!! In real life would you talk about infant mortality to a pregnant woman? No so.it.has no place in this discussion

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 17:04

@2ndtimemum2 No, obviously not, we are talking about it to the people not taking OP seriously

OP doesn't need the reality of childbirth impressed upon her, if she did she wouldn't have made this post.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 17:06

No a poster compared dying to labour my.argument was no matter how bad labour is you will have a baby in the end so it will be worth it however if your.told your dying the only thing that you have in the end is death so you can't compare dying.to labour!

You can compare dying to labour when questioning the logic that because childbirth is a natural process, it shouldn't be viewed as a big deal, which is what happened. Comprehension is so low on this thread.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 17:12

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@2ndtimemum2* No, obviously not, we are talking about it to the people not taking OP seriously*

OP doesn't need the reality of childbirth impressed upon her, if she did she wouldn't have made this post.[/quote]
You can't use death to.make people take this seriously. If people downplay labour that on them. I have repeatedly said labour is massive lifechanging event but its very hard to explain that to.someone unless you've gone through it. The op is going to read this, god.love her her husband has walked out leaving her heavily pregnant and with a 2 year old without now worrying about a horrific labour. No matter how bad the labour it will be worth it because she'll have a baby at the end.

As I have said its her choice to have whoever she wants at her.labour..she's in an awful position due.to.what her.husband has done and I really hope.they figure it.out.together.

Youseethethingis · 08/02/2021 17:12

In a thread where a woman is 38 weeks pregnant with a healthy pregnancy death should not be mentioned!!! In real life would you talk about infant mortality to a pregnant woman? No so.it.has no place in this discussion
Minimising what a huge event childbirth is has no place in this discussion. The OPs not some wet behind the ears FTM, she knows what she’s about, and she knows who she would like and not like to be there.
That’s it really.

Whyyyyyythough · 08/02/2021 17:13

no a poster compared dying to labour my.argument was no matter how bad labour is you will have a baby in the end so it will be worth it however if your.told your dying the only thing that you have in the end is death so you can't compare dying.to labour

life isn’t black & white. you can’t dismiss the after effects of a bad birth experience with ‘but the baby is here so it’s fine!’. unless you think the mental health of women comes second to having a healthy baby?

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