Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

@Cherrysoup

Is there any way to let dsd’s mum know her ex’s bonkers plan? Then she won’t let her come.

Playing the devil’s advocate here but the SD’s mum has clearly used SD in the past to deliver some very sexist and nasty messages to the OP. Wouldn’t it have the opposite effect if the OP contacts the mum and expressed her discomfort about the idea of SD being present at the birth? She might even encourage SD to insist on being present just to make OP feel bad. I know it sounds bonkers but using SD to tell the OP that she’d likely have a miscarriage because of her age also is, tbh she sounds very nasty and spiteful to use her child to deliver such an utterly vile message to the OP.

@GoadyTwoShoes

Hi OP, with the greatest of kindness, I don't think the issue here is really about your upcoming labour. I get the impression that you and your DH are subconciously using this event to assert your different approaches to parenting in a stepfamily. DH believes that all the DC should be treated the same regardless of parentage, and you beleive that there should be differences for biological children. Both opinions are valid but I really think that you both need to discuss how you are going to handle this going forward. There may be situations in the future where your DH wants to give priority to his biological children over yours - would you be happy with that? Hope that everything goes well with the birth, a new baby is a lovely way for you all to be more connected

They already have their own and shared children.

Hope you managed to have a good chat with your husband @ShinyGreenElephant
I absolutely wouldn't want my step daughter at a birth of mine either (neither would she want to be there!)
The only thing you could do if it's not going your way is ask your 11yr old to be upstairs with your step daughter until they can be shouted down (when baby has arrived and your covered up and more comfortable)

Hope your home birth goes well! Keep us all posted x

@Jacketpotato84

No, not mostly the fucking children. Obviously. Mostly HER.

Do you have any answer to my point about the severity of childbirth, and my application of your logic that "people do it all the time" to people on their death beds?

Clearly not, if you're still of the mindset that it is "not worth it" for one day. It is literally a life or death scenario. Stop downplaying it, we have far too much trouble with men dismissing the very real struggles specific to women without people like you giving them permission for their misogyny.

I nearly died due to complications in pregnancy and my DS was sadly stillborn.
I cannot accept the view that pregnancy and childbirth are not a big deal.
I also cannot accept that the person who is pregnancy and labouring isn’t the most important person in that scenario.
Sorry, but that view is just awful.

@Youseethethingis I couldn't agree more, the view of childbirth some are expressing on here is truly shocking to me.

I think your husband needs to learn about contraception, all these poor kids being born into this shit show

Less that 1 in 100000 women die during childbirth in developed countries so for 99.999% women labour results in a woman surviving and a beautiful baby. You are more than 10 times more likely to die in a car crash. Death 100% of the time ends in a sad event...dying 100% leads to death...pregnancy 99.999% results in living.
And before I'm asked i have given birth twice and the first time I haemorrhage and needed emergency treatment or I would've died.

The op definitely doesn't need to be reading about risks 2 weeks before she gives birth for someone to prove a point.

@Nanny0gg I know, I meant another new sibling is a another connection between the whole family

The point is that pregnancy and childbirth are a big deal. Obviously the risks are lower in this time and place, and OPs personal risk factor has been deemed very low for a home birth to be considered, but that doesn’t mean that the actual process can just be dismissed as a minor event

@Youseethethingis

The point is that pregnancy and childbirth are a big deal. Obviously the risks are lower in this time and place, and OPs personal risk factor has been deemed very low for a home birth to be considered, but that doesn’t mean that the actual process can just be dismissed as a minor event

Of course its a massive event for a woman ive donw it twice myself and to be honest I don't think its in the ops best interest to be reminded of the risks 2 weeks before givong birth but actually I can't find the statistics for the UK but in ireland no woman in 2018 died during childbirth.

The op wants a vote whether her husband is being unreasonable to want her step daughter there when shes given permission for her own 2 biological daughters to be there.

Your choice. If you want Manchester Utd football team there it’s up to you. At the time you probably won’t care so much whatever happens, but I think your dh is being unreasonable. Ask him if he’d want step child to witness him getting prostate exam. It’s personal and intrusive. He’s bein a Pratt I think.

Yes, and down posters are arguing that it’s not a big event and OP should be puting everyone else’s feelings above her own.
That’s a big problem that people have this attitude that pregnancy/childbirth can be minimised when it suits everyone else.
It’s just the way the discussion has gone, that’s all.

I was a young teenager when I first saw a film of the birth of a child and remember being completely horrified. Now I'm older I think to be CHOSEN to witness such a miracle would be amazing and a really dig deal. Only the expectant Mother can choose who she feels comfortable with when she is at her most intimate and vulnerable. The husband SHOULD NOT be allowed to put his wishes above hers at such a time.

@2ndtimemum2 The point of mentioning the mortality rates of women and babies in childbirth isn't to say that OP is likely to die, it is to demonstrate that despite the aftercare in modern medicine being very strong, that is nonetheless the actual amount of strain and trauma that the mother's body undergoes during labour. People need to have some respect for the process. Telling her "people do it all the time you know" and calling her a power hungry diva for not prioritising the feelings of others at that time is a dangerously glib and dismissive attitude, and I would argue acutely offensive with any level of awareness of the reality of childbirth.

I sincerely hope OP has not been scared by the comments I've made on this thread about childbirth, but I doubt it since this is her third child. She clearly knows the score, hence the nature of this thread. I would say though that if we are to talk of concern about stressing OP out, why not take her seriously when she talks about the situation that is actually stressing her out about her labour - the idea of her SD watching.

Bizarre behaviour from your 'd' h.

And let's not forget, as much as people keep saying she should just ban all of the children - which I don't agree with, as her and her DD should have the option if it's what they want - that is not what her husband suggested. He has taken offence to the notion that his DD isn't allowed to be in the room, and reacted with extreme defensiveness to her saying she is uncomfortable with that. The two is not the same and one of them is horrendous.

Unless they're a doctor or midwife, no one who is not already intimately familiar with my vagina would be in that room.

Don't need to RTFT, absolutely, YANBU!
Giving birth ( I've done it 3 times) is the most beautiful and simultaneously undignified event I have ever been through. No one gets to use it for their own end. Your DH is being an utter dick and so is anyone who suggests your reaction is anything other than your absolute right to express.
You DH is utterly misplacing his want for DSD to be part of this. I will read on now and see what happened but I just wanted to give you my unequivocal reaction to your question..

I am going back to RTFT, but in the meantime, I am shocked that your DH is inviting people to your labour. Of course it is your choice.

I must admit though, I would not want my own child (if I had one) present either. I always found depictions of Labour quite scary to watch on TV when I was a child.

Having read through your posts OP, I stand by what I said before but I'd just like to add that you're off your rocker thinking your DD should be at the actual birth. I'll put it down to the hormones

[quote aSofaNearYou]@2ndtimemum2 The point of mentioning the mortality rates of women and babies in childbirth isn't to say that OP is likely to die, it is to demonstrate that despite the aftercare in modern medicine being very strong, that is nonetheless the actual amount of strain and trauma that the mother's body undergoes during labour. People need to have some respect for the process. Telling her "people do it all the time you know" and calling her a power hungry diva for not prioritising the feelings of others at that time is a dangerously glib and dismissive attitude, and I would argue acutely offensive with any level of awareness of the reality of childbirth.

I sincerely hope OP has not been scared by the comments I've made on this thread about childbirth, but I doubt it since this is her third child. She clearly knows the score, hence the nature of this thread. I would say though that if we are to talk of concern about stressing OP out, why not take her seriously when she talks about the situation that is actually stressing her out about her labour - the idea of her SD watching.[/quote]
In ireland not a single woman in ireland died in 2018 from childbirth so the risks of labour have nothing to do whatsoever with this discussion and you actually called it a life and death scenario for added drama to make your argument more extreme which is disgusting.

Comparing death and giving birth is laughable and idiotic at the end of labour you are handed an amazing beautiful baby and its one of the happiest days of your life and brings great joy to so many people but on your deathbed I doubt anyone would describe it as the happiest day of their life and will bring sadness to your family so big difference.

Giving birth is a massive event for the woman and 100% up to each woman who she chooses to have present. The husband made the choice to ask his daughter to be there without speaking to the op and now there is this massive issue. And its very easy for all of us to say op leave your husband hes a dick etc but the op is living this life and leaving with a 2 yo and a newborn isn't simple.

The simple solution is to not have any children there...her own dd doesn't want to be there anyways so thats a non issue and then everyone is happy. What is the actual benefit of having dd there anyways?

I don’t think either should be at the actual birth as in the room. But I think you would be unreasonable to not allowed step daughter to be in the house with your daughter to meet their sibling and share the same experience after the baby is born.
They are equally the babies siblings.

I would say neither kids at the birth . But both at the house.

@2ndtimemum2 What a lovely romantic description of childbirth. Mine wasn't anything like that, I didn't cope so well, there were complications, and mainly I was just exhausted and in a lot of pain. They didn't hand me my "bundle of joy" afterwards while we all celebrated the magical moment, my DP had her while they stitched me up after what I had just endured.

What I have said is not disgusting at all, you are determined not to view childbirth as anything other than a magical moment, but the reality is that it is a risky, potentially extremely painful medical undertaking. Mortality rates are no longer high but that they once were speaks of the gravity of event, and complications are less rare. I think it is disgusting to dismiss that as you do, but each to their own!

There may not be a benefit to her DD being there, or there may be. As I said in previous comments, her DD may be distressed by hearing her mother in pain and not being able to go to her. Or she may not. But either way, OP should not have to ban her from entering to avoid it being viewed as an open invitation in the name of "fairness".