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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 08/02/2021 13:13

@Youseethethingis

I think we did alright by them in how we modelled consideration for everyone and respect You keep saying that, and yet somehow it doesn’t extend to the OP or her DD. It’s nice your family is happy though.
Thank you Smile
Blurp · 08/02/2021 13:16

If it is the latter and the presence of DD will mean a better and less dangerous labour, then oh my goodness ABSOLUTELY DD should be there

Not if DD is 10/11 years old! She doesn't HAVE to be there, no matter how much OP wants her (and I know OP hasn't said she wants/needs her there; I'm talking generally). Just as OP can veto anyone she likes; other people (apart from the father) can't be forced to be there, and particularly a child!

At that age I'd have been utterly useless at a birth; I was squeamish and would have been terrified of someone vomiting. And then I'd have fainted and been devastated to have let everyone down. If the DD WANTS to be there, fine, but if not, no way.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 13:19

@Blurp I don't think anybody is saying that OPs daughter should be there if she doesn't want to be. Just that it's perfectly fine for OP to say she would be comfortable with that if her daughter wants to come in, and that she wouldn't be comfortable with anybody else.

CharlieParley · 08/02/2021 13:22

Of course they don’t trump her feelings. To be honest, and once again it’s just my opinion and how we have done things in our family, but it’s very rare that any one person’s feelings would ‘trump’ anyone else’s. And that’s my point I suppose. But again, this is just my opinion

Help me out here, please Holly60. If giving birth is not one of those rare circumstances where you accept that one person's feelings may trump another's in a family, what does qualify?

FWIW, I understand where you're coming from, and I can see the appeal of your approach. I consider it harmful though to teach children that fairness and kindness require always considering everyone else's feelings. Or that putting your own needs and feelings first is something to be discouraged on principle. That's not good self-care.

At one extreme is putting everyone else's feelings and needs first. At the other extreme is putting everyone else's needs and feelings last. In my view, the best approach is not a middle ground position that teaches children that all needs and feelings have equal value, but a balancing approach that teaches them to recognise whose needs or feelings take precedence in any given situation and act accordingly. And that on some occasions this means putting their own needs and feelings first and on others it means that another person's needs and feelings come before their own.

I taught my children for instance that a newborn's needs and feelings take precedence and why. And why mother's needs must be met to ensure that they can meet the newborn's needs. And so on.

Hettya · 08/02/2021 13:28

I think we did alright by them in how we modelled consideration for everyone and respect. I think they think so too - they are happy enough for us to look after their DCs anyway

Yet that consideration and respect doesn't extend to what a woman in labour might want does it. And I'm sure they are happy for you to look after their children. I'm sure they were happy for you to observe their wives giving birth as well.

Jacketpotato84 · 08/02/2021 13:30

Honestly what?? Never did i say she shouldnt have people caring for her when shes labouring/ giving birth. Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.. like other posters have said having children is about outting their needs first! Im not suprised her husband was upset. Also while im here i feel she has an unhealthy realtionship with her daugthter if shes trying to put this on her and the weird NEED for her to have her there. Shes a child whos shes supposed to be putting first. And you others stating people are nutters ect do you have your own thoughts or views or you just follow everyone else? Sounds like op just wanted mumsnet validation and she got what she wanted although my view differs im apparently mentally unwel.. seriously what has death rates got to do with anything if thats your point then why dont you suggest the op goes to a hospital or care setting to give bith? People can be so nasty but thats their problem not mine..

MintyMabel · 08/02/2021 13:31

an unrelated child in the room while she gives birth?

Her husband's daughter? Who presumably she agreed to include in her family when she married him? Unrelated seems a bit cold.

Jacketpotato84 · 08/02/2021 13:32

Honestly what?? Never did i say she shouldnt have people caring for her when shes labouring/ giving birth. Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.. like other posters have said having children is about outting their needs first! Ik not suprised her husband was upset. Also while im here i feel she has an unhealthy realtionship with her daugter if shes trying to put this on her and the weird need for her to have her there. Shes a child whos shes supposed to be putting first. And you others stating people are nutters ect do you have your own thoughts or views or you just follow everyone else? Sounds like op just wanted mumsnet validation and she got what she wanted although my view differs im aparently mentally unwel.. serioudly what has death rates got to do with anything if thats your point then why dont you suggest the op goes to a hospital or care setting to give bith? People can be so nasty but thats their problem not mine..

Jacketpotato84 · 08/02/2021 13:34

@asofanearyou that was for

Hillary111 · 08/02/2021 13:39

Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.. like other posters have said having children is about outting their needs first!

I imagine she's 'making it all about her' because SHE is the one giving birth! The person whose needs should come first in this particular situation are the OP's. The DSC 'needs' should not even be a factor on this occasion.

Hettya · 08/02/2021 13:39

Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.

Gosh yes, a birthing woman wielding her power by daring to decide who she will have at the birth Confused

Nonamesavail · 08/02/2021 13:40

@MintyMabel

an unrelated child in the room while she gives birth?

Her husband's daughter? Who presumably she agreed to include in her family when she married him? Unrelated seems a bit cold.

She is related to the baby as much as the posters daughter is?
Hettya · 08/02/2021 13:42

She is related to the baby as much as the posters daughter is

But not to the birthing mother. Who is the one who gets to choose.

feistyoneyouare · 08/02/2021 13:42

Children. Do. Not. Need. To. Be. Pandered. To. In. All. Things. Just. Because. They. Are. Young.

^ THIS

Jacketpotato84 · 08/02/2021 13:47

@Hettya

Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.

Gosh yes, a birthing woman wielding her power by daring to decide who she will have at the birth Confused

A mother.. deciding on how her children will be cared for and what they will be witnessing whilst shes is in no fit state to be looking after them.. infact what does the midwifes say about this/ people leading her care? Is the husband looking after the children whilst she gives birth or just being babysat by netflix?
user47000000000 · 08/02/2021 13:48

OP, stick to your guns on this one. You aren’t being U AT ALL

Godimabitch · 08/02/2021 13:49

At one extreme is putting everyone else's feelings and needs first. At the other extreme is putting everyone else's needs and feelings last. In my view, the best approach is not a middle ground position that teaches children that all needs and feelings have equal value, but a balancing approach that teaches them to recognise whose needs or feelings take precedence in any given situation and act accordingly. And that on some occasions this means putting their own needs and feelings first and on others it means that another person's needs and feelings come before their own.

Yes!

TurquoiseDragon · 08/02/2021 13:50

Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.. like other posters have said having children is about outting their needs first!

Are you really this dim?

Of course a labouring woman puts herself first, FFS. As others have said, women need to feel comfortable during birth, it reduces the chances of problems occuring. Giving birth is not a spectator sport, and anything that increases stress for the woman should be avoided. This includes a woman deciding who is in the room or not.

And this is a situation where the father steps up and reassures his DD that she's not being pushed out. After all, the DD already has 2 parents, so it's not the OP's job to do the reassuring here.

OP, I think you do need to listen to your oldest DD, she's indicated she doesn't want to be there, so don't force it.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 13:50

@Jacketpotato84

Saying people do it all the time is my point that it seems shes getting a bit power happy making it all about her because shes the one giving birth when there are other people to consider.

I don't think I have even heard many men saying anything as preposterously misogynistic as this, and that is saying something. And you think I'm the one that's "nasty"?

My point about mortality rates is bloody obvious. You are saying "people do it all the time" as if that makes it no big deal and she shouldn't be making a fuss. I reminded you that without modern medicine, childbirth is something so risky that many women die from it. We have better medical care now but the level of physical trauma the mother undergoes remains the same. Something being common and natural does not make it easy. As I said before, people also die all the time. Should they be told to put others first and stop making a fuss, too?

MaxNormal · 08/02/2021 13:53

If a woman feels unsafe in labour things can go badly wrong. At worst, this ridiculous plan could risk the life of OP and her new baby.

Hettya · 08/02/2021 13:54

A mother.. deciding on how her children will be cared for and what they will be witnessing whilst shes is in no fit state to be looking after them

She's already planned how her children will be cared for. Or didn't you notice.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2021 13:57

Is there any way to let dsd’s mum know her ex’s bonkers plan? Then she won’t let her come.

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/02/2021 14:00

@Cherrysoup

Is there any way to let dsd’s mum know her ex’s bonkers plan? Then she won’t let her come.
Yes, I wondered if OP might do well to send a message to DSD's mum saying 'Just so you know'! That would solve the problem...

I don't suppose that DD/DSD have phones or can contact each other, by any chance? That's another way to leak the information.

GoadyTwoShoes · 08/02/2021 14:00

Hi OP, with the greatest of kindness, I don't think the issue here is really about your upcoming labour. I get the impression that you and your DH are subconciously using this event to assert your different approaches to parenting in a stepfamily. DH believes that all the DC should be treated the same regardless of parentage, and you beleive that there should be differences for biological children. Both opinions are valid but I really think that you both need to discuss how you are going to handle this going forward. There may be situations in the future where your DH wants to give priority to his biological children over yours - would you be happy with that?
Hope that everything goes well with the birth, a new baby is a lovely way for you all to be more connected Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 14:08

If a woman feels unsafe in labour things can go badly wrong. At worst, this ridiculous plan could risk the life of OP and her new baby.

Indeed. My DD had to be delivered by ECS because she became distressed due to the stress levels in MY body. Who knows how much more distressed she would have become if I had not been in the hospital. I was in a very bad way too. OP is having a home birth and it is all the more imperative it goes smoothly as a result.

Or do please enlighten me as to how the SC not feeling "left out" is worth risking both of their lives.

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