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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 08/02/2021 12:24

Of course they don’t trump her feelings. To be honest, and once again it’s just my opinion and how we have done things in our family, but it’s very rare that any one person’s feelings would ‘trump’ anyone else’s. And that’s my point I suppose. But again, this is just my opinion

Holly60 - I disagree. I think there are definitely times in life when one person's feelings DO matter more than others and this is one of those times.

Eg if SD was giving birth in the future and wanted her own mum in the room, I wouldn't expect her to feel pressured into inviting OP in too so as not to hurt her feelings. It would be totally unreasonable of OP or anyone else to expect that.

Sometimes there genuinely IS one person who matters most. It's not forever, but in that moment you have to let that person dictate.

longwayoff · 08/02/2021 12:27

Maybe ask husband to put on a hospital gown, lie on his back for a few hours, with his legs up in stirrups and invite an assortment of relatives and friends in to inspect his undercarriage. Bring chairs. Stay as long as they like and feel free to comment. If medically qualified, why not have a poke around to see how things are progressing? He'll find it just as inviting as any woman would. Insist his daughter attends.

ElizabethP141 · 08/02/2021 12:27

"That is a good point, my GP passed flu onto me when I was in labour. Lovely doctor, very caring but he was clearly not well and everyone else was fine so I'm certain I got it from him. So with a 2 day old baby I went down with raging flu and was in bed for 2 weeks, I'd never had flu before and it was really bad."

@ancientgran totally! Imagine is DSD brought COVID into the house when she comes to stay the week before and all manner of chaos that could unleash. Not worth the risk IMO and is completely reasonable to say so.

Equally, it would be interesting for the OP to check with the midwife. I would say it is unreasonable to have any extra people in the room at all for their sake.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 12:29

@fpurplea The DD says she doesn't want to watch, but honestly I can't imagine listening to my mum scream in pain for hours and not at some point wanting to check nothing was going wrong, to sooth my worries. She cannot accurately predict how she will feel at the time.

And yes, it is fairly likely none of the children will want to watch, but it isn't an unnecessary drama to iron out what she would be comfortable with in various scenarios, that is why we have birth plans, because she will be in no fit state to discuss it at the time. The idea is the birthing partner advocates your birth plan, not directly challenges it.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 12:38

@SummerBlondey

If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs

You're going to breast feed a 10 year old? What?

OFGS!

DD - 2 YEARS OLD!

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 12:38

@longwayoff

Maybe ask husband to put on a hospital gown, lie on his back for a few hours, with his legs up in stirrups and invite an assortment of relatives and friends in to inspect his undercarriage. Bring chairs. Stay as long as they like and feel free to comment. If medically qualified, why not have a poke around to see how things are progressing? He'll find it just as inviting as any woman would. Insist his daughter attends.
Any chance that a watermelon could be inserted first?
Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 12:39

[quote aSofaNearYou]@fpurplea The DD says she doesn't want to watch, but honestly I can't imagine listening to my mum scream in pain for hours and not at some point wanting to check nothing was going wrong, to sooth my worries. She cannot accurately predict how she will feel at the time.

And yes, it is fairly likely none of the children will want to watch, but it isn't an unnecessary drama to iron out what she would be comfortable with in various scenarios, that is why we have birth plans, because she will be in no fit state to discuss it at the time. The idea is the birthing partner advocates your birth plan, not directly challenges it.[/quote]
Unlike me, not everyone screams in pain during childbirth.

Some just quietly groan.

CecilyP · 08/02/2021 12:40

However I’m not sure I agree that you can’t decide who you see as your children. What about people who adopt? Those children are not biologically theirs, but adoptive parents make a choice at some point that they will love these children.

If you adopt, these children become your children. They live in your home every day. They no longer live with their birth mother 4.5 hours away and only visit once a month. This stepchild has her own mother!

Wannabangbang · 08/02/2021 12:42

With birthing, a mothers choice should be respected. It's hardly the most easiest of times, and you have the right to feel comfortable and at ease. Maybe compromise she can come and see baby once you've given birth but you don't want her there for the event.

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/02/2021 12:43

OP, if you're anything like me then you might find yourself a bit more plain-speaking whilst in labour. If your DSD is there and giving you the blank face you described earlier, it is entirely feasible that you'd end up shouting for her to leave the room because you can't stand being looked at like that. I'd perhaps tell DH that that's a possibility and that it would surely do your relationship with her more harm than good... Tbh you might also snap at your own DDs but at least you have a better relationship with them to start with!

YoniAndGuy · 08/02/2021 12:43

Have you seen your DH again yet OP?

There'd be a short reply to everything and anything he said onthis subject from now on.

'If you go to get DSD before I've had the baby, you won't be at the birth, neither will she, and we won't continue in a relationship after it. If you cannot respect my absolute right to have who I am comfortable with at my own birth, I absolutely don't want you as my life partner any more.'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/02/2021 12:43

I can see your point, and also his.

It is entirely understandable that you don't want someone in the room who will make you feel uncomfortable - yes.
But from his perspective, you agreeing to your own DDs being allowed into the room to see their sister being born, but HIS DD not being allowed in to see her sister being born, is divisive.

In all honesty, I'd have been totally grossed out at seeing anything of that kind at your DDs' age, and I don't think ANY of them should be in the room - and I think you are being a bit selfish wanting them to be!

Ban them all from the room until the baby is born, then let them all in to meet their new sister at the same time, would be my advice.

StatisticallyChallenged · 08/02/2021 12:45

The whole issue is being created by the insistence on bringing her to stay before hand. She would likely never ask any details of the birth if she met her sibling afterwards, nor give a monkeys even if she realised her stepsister had popped in.

The not so DH is creating this problem

strudsespark · 08/02/2021 12:46

Any chance that a watermelon could be inserted first?

Don't know if it's a myth, but have read somewhere that a tribe tied a string round the dh's balls to yank when his wife was in pain. Perhaps assorted visitors could help out with that Smile.

Sorry to take the piss op, but your dh is so out of line and I actually think you should ask him, if he would really care for this scenario if it were him.

Bibidy · 08/02/2021 12:46

@ContessaDiPulpo

OP, if you're anything like me then you might find yourself a bit more plain-speaking whilst in labour. If your DSD is there and giving you the blank face you described earlier, it is entirely feasible that you'd end up shouting for her to leave the room because you can't stand being looked at like that. I'd perhaps tell DH that that's a possibility and that it would surely do your relationship with her more harm than good... Tbh you might also snap at your own DDs but at least you have a better relationship with them to start with!
Yep I thought this earlier too. Hardly going to hold your tongue in labour.
Hettya · 08/02/2021 12:48

I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just giving my opinion. I’m also saying that it has worked for us, we are a large, loving close family and I’m so glad we brought up our children as we did. Of course what we did is not the only way, or the right way etc, it’s just what we did smile

The implication being that the op is not a large loving family if she doesn't violate her boundaries like you would. Righty ho. Great lesson in boundaries for your daughter's. Or do you just have boys who will grow up with your values about how women shouldn't have boundaries particularly in regards to their naked bodies. Go youHmm

user1471538283 · 08/02/2021 12:50

It's not him giving birth so he doesn't get to choose.

By the time I had given birth to my DS I didn't care who was there and let in loads of medical students. BUT I was asked not my DH.

Hillary111 · 08/02/2021 12:54

@longwayoff Yes! Great idea.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 12:55

Ban them all from the room until the baby is born, then let them all in to meet their new sister at the same time, would be my advice.

Yes, ban OPs daughter from the room she may be hearing her mother suffer in for hours, even if she wants to check on her.

PurpleRainDancer · 08/02/2021 12:59

Your husband is a completely controlling arse. He gets absolutely no say in who does or doesn’t attend/support you in labour. It’s not a fecking spectator sport. How dare he. Wishing you a safe and easy labour OP Flowers

kittycat863 · 08/02/2021 13:02

Why not suggest that he invite the same audience to his next prostate exam?

Hettya · 08/02/2021 13:09

Why not suggest that he invite the same audience to his next prostate exam?

I agree

Holly60 · 08/02/2021 13:09

@Hettya

I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just giving my opinion. I’m also saying that it has worked for us, we are a large, loving close family and I’m so glad we brought up our children as we did. Of course what we did is not the only way, or the right way etc, it’s just what we did smile

The implication being that the op is not a large loving family if she doesn't violate her boundaries like you would. Righty ho. Great lesson in boundaries for your daughter's. Or do you just have boys who will grow up with your values about how women shouldn't have boundaries particularly in regards to their naked bodies. Go youHmm

Both of my children are adults now with their own families. Love them all very much and am so proud of them. I think we did alright by them in how we modelled consideration for everyone and respect. I think they think so too - they are happy enough for us to look after their DCs anyway Grin
Youseethethingis · 08/02/2021 13:11

I think we did alright by them in how we modelled consideration for everyone and respect
You keep saying that, and yet somehow it doesn’t extend to the OP or her DD.
It’s nice your family is happy though.

Holly60 · 08/02/2021 13:12

I’m not saying anyone’s way of doing things is bad. I’m just saying what we did. Ultimately I will just be glad if OP has a good labour really. So she just needs to consider the opinions she has been given, and make up her own mind. Hopefully her DH will support her with whatever she ultimately chooses.