Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

@Lalliella

YANBU. Your body, your birth, your choice.

But - are you really sure about a home birth? My first was a textbook labour, 10 hours, all good. The second the placenta wouldn’t come away, I haemorrhaged, and I avoided theatre and a blood transfusion only because I was in hospital and the right people could be called into the room really really quickly to sort it out. I would always totally advise women against a home birth.

Home births are statistically as safe as hospital births for low risk mothers particulary those who have given birth before.

Completely your choice and absolutely not being unreasonable at all.

Couldn't you turn it on it's head and use COVID as a reason? If your DSD lives in a different household I'm thinking why would you risk infection bring another person into your household just before birth? DSD or no DSD.

It's also another person the midwife has to be in the room with which seems unfair.

I can't believe how many posters think that OP is being at all unreasonable. This is madness. The usual step parent bashing. None of these situations would be considered reasonable:
'OP's dad should be there because it's HIS grandchild'
'OP's MIL should be there as it's HER grandchild'
'OP's FIL should be there as actually, it's HIS grandchild too'
'Perhaps OP's BIL should be there too. It's his niece or nephew after all'

Stepchildren do not just get carte Blanche to ride roughshod over everything just by virtue of their seemingly protected status. Why does it not compute with some posters that it's OP's body and it's completely different having her own children, who she birthed personally, there whilst she is giving birth again? I have been a step parent and have given birth, and I cannot imagine how vulnerable and on edge I would have felt having my SD there whilst I was in the midst of labour.

Your chuff, your choice.

@AnneLovesGilbert

What do some of you expect OP to do to improve relations with a child she sees so rarely, who is being repeatedly manipulated by her bitter mother to be incredibly rude and horrible to her? She sounds like a nice woman but she’s not a fucking saint. I’d struggle to love a child who told me I smelled disgusting and my newborn was ugly. Some of you are either angels walking among us with bottomless forgiveness, or you’re liars who have leapt on an opportunity to bully a heavily pregnant stressed woman because she’s a stepmum and you’ve got issues you’re projecting.

Ultimately you can’t control the actions of others, only your own. The little girl does sound very rude, but that doesn’t mean that OP can’t do the right thing. And in my personal opinion (which is only an opinion and not even a suggestion let alone anything else) the right thing would be for all siblings to meet their new baby at the same time.

@LalalalalalaLand123

Of course "your body, your choice". I just find it terribly sad that the dynamics of the relationships in your family are so bad that you desperately want to exclude DSD but include your DDs, while the new baby will be a sibling to all of them. You say you love DSD, but your posts indicate the opposite. Regardless of the absolute rightness of "your body, your choice", you're still creating two tiers of children - the preferred ones that are allowed to witness their sibling's birth, and those who are banned. This may well create increased tensions and deterioration of already bad relationships. Ideally, I would try to improve these relationships, not make them worse. Your DSD sounds rude and unpleasant, but she is a kid and you are the adult in the situation.

I just can't get my head around this attitude at all.

Being in a blended family doesn't mean that you need to pretend that your stepchildren are yours? They have their own mother and father and there is no way that SD will relate to OP in the same way she does to her own mother either. I don't understand why there is so much pressure for stepparents to act like bio parents when there is zero expectation on the kids to do the same - NOBODY should be expected to act this way, it's false.

You can still love and look after SCs, but it doesn't mean that you have to do exactly as you do with your own child. I would have a bath with my own child, but I would never dream of doing that with my stepchild - to me this is the same sort of situation, it is something so intimate. If there is one time in life a woman should be able to do exactly as she wishes with no thought for anyone else it should be when she's giving birth!!

OP would rather her SD wasn't there because she will be in an extremely vulnerable state and doesn't feel comfortable being in that position in front of a child that isn't hers. That is totally fair.

There are “two tiers” of children when you are a mother though.
Tier one is My Children
Tier two is Not my children, of which there may be many that you care for very deeply, without necessarily needing to share everything that’s for your own children with them.
Your own children should be in a category all of their own because of all the children in the world they are unique in their relationship to you.
This doesn’t have to be a negative thing to a child who has her own two parents if she’s not made to think she’s being deprived of something she should have a right to expect.

I had a home birth, older child was watching TV but came in to say hello to the baby as soon as he was born, I didn't want him there for the birth.

My main issue was my mother was in the house and I was adamant she wasn't going to be there for the birth, the last thing I needed was to worry about her and she'd have been in a state if I as much as groaned. I told the midwife that if my mother came in the room I was leaving regardless of where we were in the process. So predictable mother did put her head round the door, I think she asked the midwife if she'd like tea or something. As no one told her to go I got up ready to leave, midwife realised I meant what I said and mother was told she wasn't to come in.

Do you have a room where you can shut the door so she can't wander in? If you have then get midwife on side and she won't come in. Of course she will still be in the house but is that a compromise you can live with.

Personally I've never understood birth as a spectator sport, I was much more comfortable getting on with it by myself and only had DH there as everyone was scandalised at the idea of him not being there but the compromise was he wasn't there for the whole labour. My favourite birth of 4 was on a very busy delivery ward where the midwives were rushed off their feet and just popped in to do obs and then disappeared and dh was at home with other child. Semi dark room and being left to get on with it was my ideal but then we are all different.

Hope you can get it sorted.

Of course it's your choice!!!! This is the most intimate, vulnerable event of your life and you get to have as much say and control as possible. If he can't see that, he's a selfish, thoughtless fool. This is nothing to do with dsd vs DD and everything to do with an inconsiderate partner.

@LalalalalalaLand123

The dynamics in their family do not need to be "so bad" for OP to not want the SC to watch her giving birth. That is a natural thing that does not need to be viewed as a dramatic rejection.

I think people are getting hung up on the point of OPs DD being allowed in being to "witness the birth of their sibling". What if OP wants to hold her daughter's hand, or her daughter hears screaming and decides she would like to check her mum is ok? It isn't about "witnessing the magical moment". It is about whatever gets OP through the ordeal, and laying out what she would be comfortable with in different scenarios.

@Youseethethingis

There are “two tiers” of children when you are a mother though. Tier one is My Children Tier two is Not my children, of which there may be many that you care for very deeply, without necessarily needing to share everything that’s for your own children with them. Your own children should be in a category all of their own because of all the children in the world they are unique in their relationship to you. This doesn’t have to be a negative thing to a child who has her own two parents if she’s not made to think she’s being deprived of something she should have a right to expect.

Oh my goodness I agree with you. However I’m not sure I agree that you can’t decide who you see as your children. What about people who adopt? Those children are not biologically theirs, but adoptive parents make a choice at some point that they will love these children. And even if you can’t love your step-children, which is certainly valid and should not be judged, surely you can treat them with as much kindness as if they were your own?

of course it is different to being a mother, but not less than. Because she is DDs mother, she is comfortable having her in the room. Because she is DSD’s step mother she should consider her feelings too, and think about how her DSD will feel if she does just have her own DD to witness the birth of their sibling. If she was not DSM to this little girl, and the baby wasn’t her half sibling, she wouldn’t have to consider her feelings at all.

But SD's feelings don't trump OP's feelings in this situation.

We're not talking about taking OP's DDs to the zoo while leaving SD at home, the woman is giving birth!

OP's feelings are the only ones that matter in this scenario.

When did giving birth become a family spectacular? Do they bring sandwiches? I'm old, my children were born in the days when there were no spectators, mothers, husbands, sisters, brothers, extended family, neighbours and random shoppers all banned. Which would still be my preference. Your husband is being very unreasonable.

@ElizabethP141

Completely your choice and absolutely not being unreasonable at all.

Couldn't you turn it on it's head and use COVID as a reason? If your DSD lives in a different household I'm thinking why would you risk infection bring another person into your household just before birth? DSD or no DSD.

It's also another person the midwife has to be in the room with which seems unfair.

That is a good point, my GP passed flu onto me when I was in labour. Lovely doctor, very caring but he was clearly not well and everyone else was fine so I'm certain I got it from him. So with a 2 day old baby I went down with raging flu and was in bed for 2 weeks, I'd never had flu before and it was really bad.

@Bibidy

of course it is different to being a mother, but not less than. Because she is DDs mother, she is comfortable having her in the room. Because she is DSD’s step mother she should consider her feelings too, and think about how her DSD will feel if she does just have her own DD to witness the birth of their sibling. If she was not DSM to this little girl, and the baby wasn’t her half sibling, she wouldn’t have to consider her feelings at all.

But SD's feelings don't trump OP's feelings in this situation.

We're not talking about taking OP's DDs to the zoo while leaving SD at home, the woman is giving birth!

OP's feelings are the only ones that matter in this scenario.

Of course they don’t trump her feelings. To be honest, and once again it’s just my opinion and how we have done things in our family, but it’s very rare that any one person’s feelings would ‘trump’ anyone else’s. And that’s my point I suppose. But again, this is just my opinion

If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs

You're going to breast feed a 10 year old? What?

@SummerBlondey

If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs

You're going to breast feed a 10 year old? What?

She has a 2 year old DD as well..........

Adoption is nothing like step parenting.
An adopted child is as much their parents child as a biological one. You don’t have a third parent with more rights than you doing the bulk of bringing up your adopted child.
And, again, kindness can be getting each a bag of sweets on a trip to the cinema.
It doesn’t mean keeping your own child away from you in case you upset someone else’s child.
Nor does it mean allowing someone you don’t want to be present when you give birth.

@unmarkedbythat

Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children

No but. She is a labouring woman. Her feelings matter most. SHE is giving birth. SHE is the one experiencing the pain. SHE is the one at risk of death or disability of injury. SHE is the one who counts here. Who gives a toss what other people might think? "Ohhhhh I think it's only fair if x watches this because y will be doing so..." fuck the fuck off!

THIS^

@Holly60

Therefore my advice would be for fairness, neither are in the room when their sibling is born.

Fairness in this situation is putting the needs of the woman in labour first. Nobody else’s feelings matter and she is fucking well entitled to invite or leave out anyone she wants.

Of course they don’t trump her feelings. To be honest, and once again it’s just my opinion and how we have done things in our family, but it’s very rare that any one person’s feelings would ‘trump’ anyone else’s. And that’s my point I suppose. But again, this is just my opinion

But if you do not think a labouring woman, or someone going through an equally traumatic ordeal, should be prioritised over the feelings of someone who is perfectly healthy, then you are simply NOT being kind, no matter how you dress it up.

I think it was suggested way up-post that all the children should meet the baby at the same time. I totally agree with you that it would be better for DSD to stay at home. Then be dropped over to meet the baby at the same time as all the baby’s other siblings. That way all baby’s siblings meet baby together

You probably missed it but that is not doable because the DSD lives 4.5 hours away so a 9 hour round trip. So OP, having just given birth, would be left looking after all 3 while preventing the 2 older DD’s from seeing the baby. That would take some juggling!

Of course you have the right to veto attendance, yes I think your DH has massively overstepped, but honestly, I think you've both made this far more of an issue than it needed to be. You've said repeatedly that you'd "like" your DDs in the room at the moment of birth, but none of your children actually want to be there. This seems like an awful lot of divisive, unnecessary drama for giving DD the option of attending, even though she doesn't want to and almost definitely wont.

Your desire for them to be there does not trump their desire to not be there, and giving the oldest DD the option to be present is just hanging on to your fantasy of an unrealistic "perfect" birthing experience, as well as possibly putting subconscious pressure on her to attend just because she knows that you would like it.

Just say none of them are coming in, because they wont anyway.

but it’s very rare that any one person’s feelings would ‘trump’ anyone else’s
You are literally arguing that the OP and her DDs feelings are trumped by the need to be “kind” to the DSD.

You're going to breast feed a 10 year old? What?

This thread has come full circle.

From reading some of these replies you'd think the OP was wanting to leave her DSD out on a trip to Disney. It's childbirth ffs. It doesn't need witnessed by all your nearest and dearest.