Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

@Holly60 yes of course we can agree to disagree. I'm glad you can see OPs needs should come first if the matter in question is important to her.

But I'm just struggling to get past the idea that modelling to young girls that they should put the feelings of others first, no matter how much pain they are in, is being seen as a positive thing to do. "Kind and considerate", even. In a world where women being subjected to emotional and physical abuse and remaining in the situation is such a prevalent problem, I see very dangerous ramifications to this outlook.

You talk about a mother and a daughter, but when she married DH, OP chose to become a step mother to her SD. Because of that, her DSD as well as her own DD’s feelings are her responsibility
You are assuming the position that by marrying the DH, OP became his daughters mother.
She didn’t.
Yes, she has responsibility towards her DSD, but they aren’t mother and daughter and no amount of wishing or marrying or hand wringing will make it so.
Ultimately the DSDs feelings must be guided by her own parents.
I’d hate to be kept away from my own mother on account of her husbands childs imagined sensibilities, if it came to it.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Holly60 yes of course we can agree to disagree. I'm glad you can see OPs needs should come first if the matter in question is important to her.

But I'm just struggling to get past the idea that modelling to young girls that they should put the feelings of others first, no matter how much pain they are in, is being seen as a positive thing to do. "Kind and considerate", even. In a world where women being subjected to emotional and physical abuse and remaining in the situation is such a prevalent problem, I see very dangerous ramifications to this outlook. [/quote]
I think I’m possibly just thinking back to my labours and thinking about how i felt and who I needed in the room. Midwives: big tick! DH:tick! Anyone else?? No thank you. So therefore I think I’ve been assuming that having DD was a nice thing rather than something that was going to help OP labour well.

If it is the former my opinion stands that it is appropriate to consider If doing something that would be ‘quite nice’ for you could actually really hurt someone else, especially a child.

If it is the latter and the presence of DD will mean a better and less dangerous labour, then oh my goodness ABSOLUTELY DD should be there

@WaltzingBetty
it's not child abuse for a stepdaughter to see her stepmums genitals during childbirth if the child wanted to be their and her mother didn't mind.
It is however completely unnecessary and unhelpful to have an audience when giving birth.
I used to be a midwife and the more people in the room the less likely birth would be straightforward

And by the way I have modelled this to my DD AND my DS as they have grown up, as has my husband. We are feminists in my household

I’m saying you can’t have one rule for one sibling and one for the other.

Yes you can I'm a stepdaughter. I'd be baffled if my DSM didn't do anything with her DD until she's cleared it with me first, what does their relationship have to do with me? As a child I wasn't fussed either, obviously they have a much closer relationship, they are mother and daughter. She's not my mother.

And this is not about dishing out lollipops. It's about a woman going through a grueling physically exhausting and potentially dangerous process. It's something she alone is going through. The baby will be shared, but the birth is all her. Her "D"H is a dickhead to even think about stressing her this close to the birth by inviting someone who does not like her. As are some of you by trying to make her feel that's reasonable.

I wouldn't blame the OP is she tried to book into a hospital after all just to get some peace.

@TheSparkleJar

I’m saying you can’t have one rule for one sibling and one for the other.

Yes you can I'm a stepdaughter. I'd be baffled if my DSM didn't do anything with her DD until she's cleared it with me first, what does their relationship have to do with me? As a child I wasn't fussed either, obviously they have a much closer relationship, they are mother and daughter. She's not my mother.

And this is not about dishing out lollipops. It's about a woman going through a grueling physically exhausting and potentially dangerous process. It's something she alone is going through. The baby will be shared, but the birth is all her. Her "D"H is a dickhead to even think about stressing her this close to the birth by inviting someone who does not like her. As are some of you by trying to make her feel that's reasonable.

I wouldn't blame the OP is she tried to book into a hospital after all just to get some peace.

Of course you are absolutely right, you totally can. What I meant to say is that I personally wouldn’t

Haha I’ve just realised you weren’t even quoting me! I think I need to go and make myself a cup of tea

God I can't believe some people think OP is being unreasonable.

This isn't about anyone else but OP and her comfort!! She is giving birth!!

Saying having her SD there is the same as having her DD there is ridiculous, that's like saying it's the same having her MIL there as it is her own mum.

Her DH is being a total dick and needs to back down. OP will be going through something huge and he should be supporting her, not giving her more stress.

@Youseethethingis

You talk about a mother and a daughter, but when she married DH, OP chose to become a step mother to her SD. Because of that, her DSD as well as her own DD’s feelings are her responsibility You are assuming the position that by marrying the DH, OP became his daughters mother. She didn’t. Yes, she has responsibility towards her DSD, but they aren’t mother and daughter and no amount of wishing or marrying or hand wringing will make it so. Ultimately the DSDs feelings must be guided by her own parents. I’d hate to be kept away from my own mother on account of her husbands childs imagined sensibilities, if it came to it.

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother. And another way of saying ‘her husband’s child’ is to say step-sister. I’m only giving my opinion of course, which is that when you create a blended family, you become just that, a family. And it is up to the adults to make it a family for the young people whose choice it was not. But I caveat that this is just my opinion.

@ShinyGreenElephant

And to those asking DD11 has a different dad but doesn't see him at the moment. DH also has a 5yo son. He hasn't suggested having him at the birth thank god although maybe that's his next bright idea.

@ShinyGreenElephant So you have 5 children between you already DH doesn't see his oldest two a lot. Your DD11 doesn't see her father why on earth are you bringing another child into this drama. You should be taking care of the children you have already as they already sound somewhat damaged.

I have not once said she should have her DSD in the room when she gives birth, but she should consider how to make it fair for all the little girls. Women supporting women and modelling strength, kindness and consideration can only be a positive.

Really? Considering how few times in her life the average woman gives birth, surely she can put all these worthy impulses aside for a few days each time and just concentrate on herself!

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother
So not her mother. Because it is different.
Glad we have finally got there.

The husband ought to be de-escalating this situation out of consideration for his very heavily pregnant wife, he should be doing everything he can to sheild and protect her from extra stresses and strains
he should accept that she is the start of the show and if she wants to be a bit of a diva (not saying you are OP) he should manage things, it IS all about her, she is the earth mother empress at this time.
But because he's (apparently) a petty minded bully of a man who has to have everything about him, who can't stand anyone else taking the limelight, who can't even stepaside at this very important time for his wife, because of this he is throwing his toys out of the pram, pissing on the parade because he can't be the carnival Queen☹️

No chance OP!

Hold your ground. I had similar with my mil. I caused a big family fall out when I said she couldn’t be in the room as the other SILs had let her - under protest

Don’t bank on her not wanting to be there - it’s an event. Kids don’t want to miss out.

It never fails to surprise me that the birthing mothers wishes should be put aside for other peoples wants..

@Youseethethingis

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother So not her mother. Because it is different. Glad we have finally got there.

of course it is different to being a mother, but not less than. Because she is DDs mother, she is comfortable having her in the room. Because she is DSD’s step mother she should consider her feelings too, and think about how her DSD will feel if she does just have her own DD to witness the birth of their sibling. If she was not DSM to this little girl, and the baby wasn’t her half sibling, she wouldn’t have to consider her feelings at all.

@Youseethethingis

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother So not her mother. Because it is different. Glad we have finally got there.

Quite.

I do sometimes think that the term 'step-mother' (or father) should only be used when the actual mother (or father) is no longer in the picture (for whatever reason)

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother. And another way of saying ‘her husband’s child’ is to say step-sister. I’m only giving my opinion of course, which is that when you create a blended family, you become just that, a family. And it is up to the adults to make it a family for the young people whose choice it was not. But I caveat that this is just my opinion.

It's not not being a family for OP to not want her DH to purposely bring her SD to the house at a 1000% stressful time when there's no need.

OP's own kids will be there because they live there and have nowhere else to go. Why would you bring another kid into it when she could happily be at home with her own mum and then come to meet the baby when they've arrived?

Anyone else wondering if he's come back home yet?

Of course "your body, your choice".
I just find it terribly sad that the dynamics of the relationships in your family are so bad that you desperately want to exclude DSD but include your DDs, while the new baby will be a sibling to all of them. You say you love DSD, but your posts indicate the opposite.
Regardless of the absolute rightness of "your body, your choice", you're still creating two tiers of children - the preferred ones that are allowed to witness their sibling's birth, and those who are banned. This may well create increased tensions and deterioration of already bad relationships. Ideally, I would try to improve these relationships, not make them worse. Your DSD sounds rude and unpleasant, but she is a kid and you are the adult in the situation.

@Bibidy

No I’m not, I’m saying that she became her step mother. And another way of saying ‘her husband’s child’ is to say step-sister. I’m only giving my opinion of course, which is that when you create a blended family, you become just that, a family. And it is up to the adults to make it a family for the young people whose choice it was not. But I caveat that this is just my opinion.

It's not not being a family for OP to not want her DH to purposely bring her SD to the house at a 1000% stressful time when there's no need.

OP's own kids will be there because they live there and have nowhere else to go. Why would you bring another kid into it when she could happily be at home with her own mum and then come to meet the baby when they've arrived?

I think it was suggested way up-post that all the children should meet the baby at the same time. I totally agree with you that it would be better for DSD to stay at home. Then be dropped over to meet the baby at the same time as all the baby’s other siblings. That way all baby’s siblings meet baby together

@LalalalalalaLand123

Of course "your body, your choice". I just find it terribly sad that the dynamics of the relationships in your family are so bad that you desperately want to exclude DSD but include your DDs, while the new baby will be a sibling to all of them. You say you love DSD, but your posts indicate the opposite. Regardless of the absolute rightness of "your body, your choice", you're still creating two tiers of children - the preferred ones that are allowed to witness their sibling's birth, and those who are banned. This may well create increased tensions and deterioration of already bad relationships. Ideally, I would try to improve these relationships, not make them worse. Your DSD sounds rude and unpleasant, but she is a kid and you are the adult in the situation.

I have to say I think I absolutely agree with you

@Godimabitch you didn’t read my comment properly. I asked if the room OP plans to give birth in isn’t in the way of the kitchen or front/back door. This prevents any of the DC accidentally walking through. I said that I wouldn’t want any children to be there if I was giving birth. I wouldn’t want an audience. However, I thought it might be a good idea for all the DC, blood or not, to see the baby at the same time, once baby is cleaned and mum is comfortable. They should all be able to see their half sister.

What do some of you expect OP to do to improve relations with a child she sees so rarely, who is being repeatedly manipulated by her bitter mother to be incredibly rude and horrible to her? She sounds like a nice woman but she’s not a fucking saint. I’d struggle to love a child who told me I smelled disgusting and my newborn was ugly. Some of you are either angels walking among us with bottomless forgiveness, or you’re liars who have leapt on an opportunity to bully a heavily pregnant stressed woman because she’s a stepmum and you’ve got issues you’re projecting.

@Hallomi

I understand the idea being behind your DH wanting his daughter to be there, I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling. He should have spoken to you first though.

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme, I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD ?

Had you missed the part where she was giving birth in a couple of weeks?! That's enough stress to make anyone want to curl up in a ball and cry, without such huge issues coming out right before it!

OP: Your body, your birth, your choice.

I wouldn't like my stepkids to see me legs akimbo fanjo hanging out, sweating and panting while pushing a human out an potentially shitting uncontrollably at the same time. A birth leaves a woman very vulnerable, and she should ONLY have people there who are a) professionals and b) family/friends who she is very very close to and comfortable with. You are not being unreasonable. Do not give in.