Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

@Youseethethingis

You’re saying that the OP isn’t the most important person in all this. Which makes you wrong, no matter how old you are or how many kids you’ve got. What do you suggest OP does with her own children? Send them to the shed? Gets her mother involved? All because DSD can’t just stay with her own mother until next scheduled contact? 🙄

Also, does the SD even want to be there anyway? It sounds like this is an idea by the OPs DH to make his life easier

@Nonamesavail

I just dont think I could exclude dsd like this? Its her sibling too. Maybe have them both come in when baby is born

Totally agree with you

Women supporting women and modelling strength, kindness and consideration can only be a positive

And you really think you are doing that? I'm sorry to say that if you have been going about telling women in labour to think of other people's feelings then you have not been kind and considerate to any of them.

All you are modelling is a dangerous disregard for your own needs and wellbeing, something no girls need encouraging to do more of. Perhaps by strength you mean "sucking up your experiences during labour so you never falter from putting others first". To me, that is not strength. Strength is knowing your own worth and not allowing yourself to be walked over at times when you have every right to be put first.

I would absolutely hate to model for my daughter that she shouldn't make a fuss about labour and should go along with what others want for it, or she is a bad, inconsiderate person.

@Youseethethingis

Erm, he wouldn’t be her DH if they hadn’t decided to marry, and therefore create a blended family. His being ‘an emotionally stunted twat’ is quite frankly neither here nor there. Also, that is someone else’s DH you are insulting Yes so they are married. And what? My DH has never behave in this way towards me, even though 😱 he has an older child who isn’t mine. The “D”H is lucky that my insult was so mild.

So my point was that this entire situation had only come about because they chose to get married. Which is fine, as long as they accepted at the time they chose to get married that things might not always be as straight forward as they might like. OP chose her DSD at the same time she chose her DH. Her DSD did not choose her. Therefore it is her responsibility to make the blended family work and make life pleasant for DSD, not the other way round

But the thing is, these are children we are talking about. Just children. If it were a discussion about OP having, say DM or
MIL I would absolutely say that OP gets to have her DM and boot out MIL (I am a MIL by the way and would totally understand and hot foot it out) but these are little girls. Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children

Only on MN do people lose all sense or reason because someone is "just a child". I don't even know what to say to the above comment other than I have absolutely had it with this nonsense.

If labouring women can't expect to be prioritised over a child feeling "left out" because that child's feelings in that regard are genuinely viewed as more important than the medical emergency unfolding, then I despair.

Children. Do. Not. Need. To. Be. Pandered. To. In. All. Things. Just. Because. They. Are. Young.

Oh I agree there, absolutely. All step parents are obliged to support their partners as parents, be kind, welcoming etc etc.
But there are limits to everything and this is absolutely well past the limit.
DSD did not choose to have a step mother but no step mother chooses to give up the right to give birth as they see fit.
Kindness requires you to know when other people’s needs are greater. There will be times where DSDs needs come above everyone else in the family at that particular time and I would hope all step parents could recognise that time and act accordingly.
This is not that time.

@aSofaNearYou

Women supporting women and modelling strength, kindness and consideration can only be a positive

And you really think you are doing that? I'm sorry to say that if you have been going about telling women in labour to think of other people's feelings then you have not been kind and considerate to any of them.

All you are modelling is a dangerous disregard for your own needs and wellbeing, something no girls need encouraging to do more of. Perhaps by strength you mean "sucking up your experiences during labour so you never falter from putting others first". To me, that is not strength. Strength is knowing your own worth and not allowing yourself to be walked over at times when you have every right to be put first.

I would absolutely hate to model for my daughter that she shouldn't make a fuss about labour and should go along with what others want for it, or she is a bad, inconsiderate person.

Well shall we just agree to disagree? I can see your point- of course women should be the focus and the most important person in the room when they labour. But I also see it from the point of view of those girls and just feel quite sad for the DSD that she is being treated differently even tho this is her sibling too. I thought my solution was quite a good one. Of course this is totally academic now - I should imagine OP has gotten bored of us and is off having a cup of tea somewhere with her feet up

Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children

No but. She is a labouring woman. Her feelings matter most. SHE is giving birth. SHE is the one experiencing the pain. SHE is the one at risk of death or disability of injury. SHE is the one who counts here. Who gives a toss what other people might think? "Ohhhhh I think it's only fair if x watches this because y will be doing so..." fuck the fuck off!

[quote Meggymoo777]@Jacketpotato84

'You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not.'

OP has never said she is insisting on her own DD being present at the birth - she has given her the option. And YES... while she's giving birth it is quite literally ALL ABOUT HER!!!

'Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really?'

OP has clearly said numerous times said the 2yr old won't be present - read the bloody thread

'And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.'

If this is the attitude you have in life then I'm concerned about your family. Sorry, not sorry 🤷‍♀️ [/quote]
Actually in the 3rd ops post she says that dd2 will be there if she's awake due to lack of childcare!

@aSofaNearYou

*But the thing is, these are children we are talking about. Just children. If it were a discussion about OP having, say DM or MIL I would absolutely say that OP gets to have her DM and boot out MIL (I am a MIL by the way and would totally understand and hot foot it out) but these are little girls. Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children*

Only on MN do people lose all sense or reason because someone is "just a child". I don't even know what to say to the above comment other than I have absolutely had it with this nonsense.

If labouring women can't expect to be prioritised over a child feeling "left out" because that child's feelings in that regard are genuinely viewed as more important than the medical emergency unfolding, then I despair.

Children. Do. Not. Need. To. Be. Pandered. To. In. All. Things. Just. Because. They. Are. Young.

Let’s just agree to disagree. I live one way, you the other. Everything gets exaggerated on here anyway, I’m sure if we met in RL and had a conversation we would find that we have some common ground somewhere

Therefore my advice would be for fairness, neither are in the room when their sibling is born

Fairness is that the op chooses. That is that. And a great lesson for the DH / dsc that they don't get to call the shots on this. A good life lesson indeed

@Youseethethingis

Oh I agree there, absolutely. All step parents are obliged to support their partners as parents, be kind, welcoming etc etc. But there are limits to everything and this is absolutely well past the limit. DSD did not choose to have a step mother but no step mother chooses to give up the right to give birth as they see fit. Kindness requires you to know when other people’s needs are greater. There will be times where DSDs needs come above everyone else in the family at that particular time and I would hope all step parents could recognise that time and act accordingly. This is not that time.

I do see your point. If it really is that she NEEDS her DD in the room to labour well, rather than just a nice to have, then of course she must be there.

@Hettya

Therefore my advice would be for fairness, neither are in the room when their sibling is born

Fairness is that the op chooses. That is that. And a great lesson for the DH / dsc that they don't get to call the shots on this. A good life lesson indeed

Perhaps I meant parity then. It’s not about calling the shots though, or winning, or getting your own way. It’s just trying to work together to look after everyone’s feelings. If it really is the absolute be all and end all that DD is in the room (which isn’t the impression I got from OP) then of course she must be. If it’s not totally necessary, then perhaps there is a compromise somewhere. I don’t know, it’s just how we do things in our family

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@dnhandtns sorry if I wasn't clear, my DD is planning to stay upstairs with headphones on watching netflix and wants me to text her when DD3 is born and there is no placenta to be seen. I've not put any pressure on her to come and watch, she doesnt want to and I wouldnt want her there for most of it as she would be a major distraction tbh. I've just given her the option to come and watch the very end if she changes her mind, assuming everything goes as smoothly as last time. She probably won't and I would never try to force her to, will be the last thing on my mind at the time! But I've spoken to her about it and told her its her choice so I don't want to now take that choice away.

@tarantallegra thank you ❤

@pebbles086 I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's exactly how I'm imagining this going with dsd there, followed by the first day of DD3s life being dominated by an absolute shit storm when she rings her mum and tells her about it and mum goes ballistic. No thanks 👎[/quote]
Why have you hidden it from her mum? You've already put DSD in a shit position in that she is having to hide things from her mum?

100% your choice to have whoever you want there. I personally wouldn't want kids there.

You do not sound like you love your DSD though. You either don't see how excluding her sounds or don't really care. She's not a stranger. She's not some random. She's your husband's daughter. Think about it from a kids point of view. Your sisters are allowed but your step mum can't stand the thought of you being there.

I feel sorry for the DSD generally. Not for not being allowed at the birth but the suggestion that she shouldn't be part of the big family get together after the baby is born.

I do see your point. If it really is that she NEEDS her DD in the room to labour well, rather than just a nice to have, then of course she must be there.
Thank you.
I don’t think OP has said that, it’s more a case of the DD will be around because she lives there and if she wants to stick her head in OP would be happy to see her, not stressed and uncomfortable like her DSD would make her feel.
Why should a mother and daughter be kept apart to spare the feelings of another child? What of their feelings?

I have to agree this is all just very sad for DSD. Please please OP try to treat her the same as your DDs going forwards (whatever you choose to do regarding your labour) otherwise you have the potential for a very sad little girl who could grow up feeling really left out. I genuinely wish you all the best and hope you can all find love and happiness together as a big blended family.

It’s not about calling the shots though, or winning, or getting your own way.

Yes it is. The op chooses. That's that. You think it's ok for a woman to compromise about who is watching when she gives birth, but it really isn't. There are boundaries, and those are for the op to set. If she's happy for her own DD and not DSD to be there, then that's how it is. Just because you don't do it that way in your family, doesn't make your way right or ok for anyone else.

Are people hard of reading on here today?

So your darling daughter is 11 and the step one is 10? So your husband cheated on his ex with you and got you pregnant ! Only to then stay with the other one and get her pregnant as well! Before then leaving. No wonder the child doesn't like you no offence!

The mental gymnastics it took to come up with THIS scenarios has totally blown my mind.

Ffs try reading before you post!

@Youseethethingis

I do see your point. If it really is that she NEEDS her DD in the room to labour well, rather than just a nice to have, then of course she must be there. Thank you. I don’t think OP has said that, it’s more a case of the DD will be around because she lives there and if she wants to stick her head in OP would be happy to see her, not stressed and uncomfortable like her DSD would make her feel. Why should a mother and daughter be kept apart to spare the feelings of another child? What of their feelings?

But this has been my point all along. If OP hadn’t chosen to blend their families, then this situation wouldn’t exist. With choosing to blend two families, OP has to accept that there will be some compromises to make. You talk about a mother and a daughter, but when she married DH, OP chose to become a step mother to her SD. Because of that, her DSD as well as her own DD’s feelings are her responsibility. She is not just a mother, she is a step mother as well and her actions have an impact on 3 little girls, not just 1, or 2.

@Santaiscovidfree

Nanny0gg are you the ex?

But maybe someone needs to talk to her. That way there won't even be a sniff of DSD being at the birth.

I cannot imagine any child biological or step actively wanting to witness their mother give birth.

When we were at secondary school we had to watch a video of a woman give birth. We all found it traumatising and really didn’t want to watch it.

The poor kid will probably run screaming at the idea of being forced to be at her stepmothers labour and birth.

My mid teen still speaks squeamishly about seeing me in pain when I went into labour with my youngest. And she only saw the bit at the beginning before I left for the hospital.

Anyone who says the ‘poor step daughter being sidelined/not made welcome blah blah blah’, are utterly ridiculous. The poor child will not want to be there. The H is an arsehole and if he persists OP ring DSD’s mum and tell her what your dickhead H is planning.

No ten year old wants to watch ‘the magic of birth’ none whatsoever.

I don't think OP has hidden it, I think her DH has decided not to tell his ex because he knows she'll go batshit at his plan.

I think this would be very different if the SD lived there - it is of course the woman's choice but at the same time saying "you can come in but you stay out seems unkind. But this doesn't need to happen because she doesn't need to be in the house at all - her DH is creating this situation by choosing to bring her even though he knows she might be unkind and he knows his ex will be very unamused.

If dh goes to collect dsd at the first sniff of labour likely they will both miss it anyway.. Dc 3 was less than a 3 hour labour..

@Holly60
But the thing is, these are children we are talking about. Just children. If it were a discussion about OP having, say DM or MIL I would absolutely say that OP gets to have her DM and boot out MIL (I am a MIL by the way and would totally understand and hot foot it out) but these are little girls. Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children.

Yes they are little girls. Little girls who will grow into women, what lesson do you want to teach them? That they alone can make decisions about their body? That they dont have to allow anyone to see their body if they're not comfortable? That when they give birth they need to think about themselves and their baby? Or.. that other people have a right to their body? That a man can make decisions about their body? That they have to allow someone rights to their body out of fairness, even if it makes them uncomfortable?
Shes 10, she's old enough to have it explained to her that it's not appropriate her to be present when OP gives birth but she'll see the baby shortly after they're born and the baby wont even remember which sibling they saw first.

@Hettya

It’s not about calling the shots though, or winning, or getting your own way.

Yes it is. The op chooses. That's that. You think it's ok for a woman to compromise about who is watching when she gives birth, but it really isn't. There are boundaries, and those are for the op to set. If she's happy for her own DD and not DSD to be there, then that's how it is. Just because you don't do it that way in your family, doesn't make your way right or ok for anyone else.

I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just giving my opinion. I’m also saying that it has worked for us, we are a large, loving close family and I’m so glad we brought up our children as we did. Of course what we did is not the only way, or the right way etc, it’s just what we did